You Won’t Believe What the Dude from the Countdown to Extinction Album Cover Looks Like Today!

 

Can you believe it’s been 22 years since Megadeth released the now classic heavy metal album, Countdown to Extinction?

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Those of you wondering, “what ever happened to the withered prisoner and what does he look like today?” are in luck because he recently turned up at a fundraiser in Hollywood looking AMAZING!

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Real life superheroes

Superheroes are more popular than ever because we’ve finally realized that normal people can’t do shit about anything. As far as we know, the superheroes of our comic books don’t exist but that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who have special abilities that make life better. Here are some real life superheroes that are making a difference:

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The parents who bathe their infant in milk, just in case

The blind dog who can’t stop sniffin’ vinegar

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Uncle Tim… NOT.

These motherfuckers

These motherfuckers

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The garbage man who says “THIS is why I never want kids” whenever he comes across a bag of used diapers, though his colleagues know he can’t gave kids because of a tick that burrowed into his sack when he was 12. 

Chicks with attitude

The guy who claims he's a nudist even though he wears a jockstrap when he drives

The guy who claims he’s a nudist even though he wears a jockstrap when he drives

That little fuckin’ smear who lives next door

Simone “Bart” Simpson

Old Scott down at Chubby’s

The radio DJ who wears a bib for several different reasons

The radio DJ who wears a bib because his wife was sick of washing the spit off the front of his shirts

The cod fisherman who has always wanted to try on a pair of Air Jordans

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The organic farmer who can’t remember where the Beavis doll that’s tied to the grill of his tractor came from

The old lady who refuses to swear unless her son dies

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The Mayor of Chillsville

Ontario's Shed Heads

All of Ontario’s Shed Heads

Movie review — Nightcrawler

Exclusive - Jake Gyllenhaal Films Scenes For 'Nightcrawler'

Time and nutrients have chiseled Jake Gyllenhaal–once considered America’s widest-eyed baby boy–into the man you will see in November’s Nightcrawler, now in theatres.

The new, gaunt Jake slightly resembles a golden age Rick Campanelli who like the film’s nightcrawler, changed the way we watch TV.

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If I keep going on about looks they’ll write a scathing feature about me on slate.com  so let’s chill and walk, not crawl all over Nightcrawler.

Jake plays the main crawler but there’s a few others in the movie too. The crawlers are guys in LA who aren’t scared of blood and who go around and film accidents and fires to sell to news TV. I thought news TV made their own videos but I got no problem learning new things as long as it doesn’t make me look like a stupid idiot, I mean I’m 32 for Christ’s sake.

The main cralwer starts his own crawling business and quickly rises through the ranks because he’s fucked and doesn’t care about anyone but himself and he really doesn’t mind blood at all. He’s like one of those guys in high school who I’d talk to because I felt bad for him but then after you talk to him you’re like “oh fuck him” and you’re relieved that can officially say you hate him because you’ve done your due diligence and didn’t rely on the opinion of others.

I thought we were going to see Rene Russo nude for the first time since 1999′s The Thomas Crown Affair, but nude sex between Jake and Rene was only implied and not shown. This was probably a good thing because Jake’s arm’s were so veiny in this fucker that if we saw the rest of him we might think he was a snake master and not a nightcrawler. I get the veins though because the movie is about news and the news always says “if it bleeds it leads” and veins make bleeding possible.

Jake Gyllenhaal On The Set Of 'Nightcrawler'

Like a grandpa who won’t shut up, this movie is telling us that we watch too much TV! But it’s also about being your own boss, which is the American dream 2.0, I think.

There isn’t much to this thing, it’s about a veiny loner who finds a new job and gets way too into it. Sounds to me like the last half of Forrest Gump, a movie about a way nicer guy.

To help me get through the movie without chewing on my jacket, I bought a combination of a medium popcorn and a medium drink. I’m such a career medium–shirts, pants, combos–that the sound of the word “medium” makes me feel at home. We were going to refill our drink on the way out so that we could sip until dinner but we forgot probably because we were mad at the nightcrawler for being such a damn doorknob.If I had a friend like that there’s no way I’d answer his emails.

I’d rate this movie “A” for “Anyway, I saw Nightcrawler” because it probably won’t be the first thing you tell your co-worker you did this weekend. I’ll probably lead with the chicken curry I made for dinner on Sunday followed by the goal I scored in hockey on Friday, then Nightcrawler. Have a great afternoon and check out the full glennmacaulay.com blog library, available on demand NOW.

Overheard – Halloween 2014

Halloween 2014 was definitely one of the spookiest in recent memory! As a snapshot of the most frightfully delightful day of the year, I assigned glennmacaulay.com intern Little Cliff to go out to some of Toronto’s hottest Halloween parties and report back with what the people were talkin’ about. Take it away, Cliff! (photos by Garn)

It rained all night and nobody understood my “dart, bored” costume. I didn’t enjoy any of the parties I went to. I tried my best to get some good quotes but I could barely hear anything over the loud music so most of these I either heard while on the subway home or I guessed:

“Where’d Matt go?”

“Let’s go down into the sewer and have sex tonight.”

“No, my family never took walks together.”

“Tony!!”

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“This sucks.”

“I don’t blow my nose unless I’m actually sick.”

“There’s a marble in one of the toilets.”

“Are there any standalone New York Fries locations?”

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“Dude, you can’t have two favourite colours.”

“HBO baby!”

“Jen can get us free rice after this.”

“I love it when a bald dude smiles.”

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“I need a new phone, holy shit.”

“I’m thirsty.”

“Don’t lie to me you fucking shithead.”

“I didn’t eat dinner tonight.”

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“Remember the Transformers cartoon? Like, the old one?”

“I’m cold.”

“It would suck to work here.”

“How much does it cost to subscribe to a newspaper?”

Alternatives to seasonal jumps

The other day I saw this little kid jump into a pile of dead leaves only to emerge covered in dog shit and old cigarette butts, making her look like some sort of leprosy-ridden Chewbacca. Every season has its own unique thing to jump into that we associate with childhood innocence but at what cost? Here are some alternatives to the most popular things to jump into, organized by season:

Summer
Major Jumper – Swimming Pools

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For centuries summer has been the hottest season of the year besides the heat generated by the non-stop action of PGA Tour season. The easiest way to beat the heat besides replacing your heart with a fridge motor is to swim in water that’s colder than the air. This form of bathing also affords adrenaline junkies the opportunity to test out air-based tricks like flips, dips and tornadoes but it’s all a bit played out. If you’re having trouble following what I’m talking about, simply remember this nursery rhyme: Summer is hot, pools are cool, the world is brown, pools are blue

Alternative – grass clippings

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Pools don’t grow on trees but grass sure does, and with so much unwanted grass clippings littering city streets and parks, it makes sense to use them for something other raccoon bait.

Winter
Major Jumper – snow

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Snow is a very safe, all-natural substance whose white colour reminds us of innocence and the boring part of our eye that doesn’t do anything. It’s also edible so if some gets in your mouth while you’re jumping into it you won’t have to force yourself to puke like you would when jumping into the bean pit during post-summer. I don’t think we should limit ourselves to just one kind of winter pile though.

Alternative – pile of salt

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Every foodie dreams of diving into a pile of salt and in most seasons this is completely unreasonable. But come winter big piles of chunky salt are utilized to season our ice and snow in case aliens come and we need to trick them into it so they leave our meat and seeds alone. Salt is rougher than snow but if you come home covered in salt your cat will give you the licking you’ve always sought.

Spring
Major Jumper – Mud

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Besides being a a dead ringer for poo, mud is a sign that winter is over as well as a source of nutrition for our nation’s nomads. You wouldn’t want some guy swimming around in your almonds, would you? Stay out of the mud!

Alternative – nests

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You shouldn’t feel bad about gathering bird’s nests into a clean pile because birds love making them. Besides, for all the hair and old string we contribute to every nest, the least they can do is not peck us when we take one.

Fall
major jumper – dead leaves

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Humans have a natural need to jump into piles of skeletons because that’s how our ancestors proved they weren’t pussies. Over centuries we’ve evolved to jump into the next best thing to dead humans: dead leaves. By frolicking in what’s essentially a tree’s dead children, jumping in leaves is a pretty big “fuck off” to bark boys considering we use their oxygen all year. Plus, what if someone’s phone number is written on one of those leaves?

alternative - alive leaves

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In grade four I ran away from home for six hours and was briefly raised by a local hobo named Meals. He taught me to pile up alive leaves and jump into them, giving one the sensation of “swimming through a lake full of skin” as Meal put it. And fuck trees anyway, right? You never hear them whisper “save the humans” or anything and here we are feeding them CO2 all year long.

Celebrity secrets

Bono was back in the news last week when he revealed that his signature sunglasses are for glaucoma and not style and/or filtering out “things that aren’t beautiful”. It’s a pretty boring revelation but thankfully there are plenty of other celebrities out there whose famous accoutrements tell a very interesting story. Here are six of them:

Bill Paxton’s gold tooth

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Bill Paxton made a name for himself as an actor in the 80s and 90s playing a wide-range of characters in instant classics like Aliens and Apollo 13. His famous gold tooth became almost as famous as him, spawning a Saturday morning cartoon called One Nice Tooth and a breakfast cereal called “Teeth”, but was the tooth a simple act of vanity or a marketing stunt to spawn a Saturday morning cartoon and a breakfast cereal? Neither. In an interview with Playboy in 2003, Paxton revealed that the tooth is one of three keys that when used together, will open a vault hidden deep beneath the sprawling Paxton compound in the Sonoran desert. Paxton never confirmed what is contained in the vault but it’s common Hollywood knowledge that it’s likely the only copy of William Shakespeare’s comic book about female skeleton who doesn’t hate anything, which was said to be the inspiration for Anne of Green Gables.

Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt

It’s popular belief that Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt was designed by House of Givenchy during Paris Fashion Week, 2007. During an appearance on Jeff Probst’s “What’s Up?” podcast Bosworth admitted that she actually bought the shirt from a Chicago-based punk rock singer named Adam Fucking Bullshit after he impressed her with his hip, DIY aesthetic. She also bought a pair of socks made out of a wet pizza box that can briefly be seen during the banana scene in Blue Crush.

Charlie Chaplin’s tattoo

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Chaplin’s paw tattoo was a fixture in his early films but never got much attention compared to his moustache, hat and knee that looks like a potato. In 19th century London all British infants were sorted and “stamped” into one of twenty different groupings based on a number of factors such as head size and barf smell. In those days an infant wasn’t considered a human being until it could say the Queen’s name without laughing, meaning that infants were legally property of the crown until such a time. Each group of infants represented a different type of sacrifice that one would have to endure or else be tossed into the Thames.  Chaplin ended up a “Royal Moggy”, a group of infants that when called into service would be used to right the ballast of British ships carrying goods to North America. Thankfully, Chaplin was only called upon once where he spent a harrowing three week journey in a steamer carrying wool and pickle brine, bound for Newfoundland.

Rashida Jones’ fibre optic hair

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Jones has lived a life of privilege thanks to her famous parents Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton and though the multitalented actress has stayed grounded over the past several years, she was a complete nightmare as a teen. For her Sweet 16 party she requested a Ferrari made of bone china and a breast enhancement using whale blubber instead of silicon. Her parents did not indulge her and instead set her up with a procedure to replace her hair with fibre optic cables. Though furious at first, Jones eventually found the hair extremely useful during her years at Harvard where she was able to access information quickly and efficiently. Her hair was also named Top ISP of 2004 by Wired Magazine.

Alec Baldwin’s cheek meatball

Alec Baldwin has had a meatball on his face for so long that most people don’t even think about it anymore. The truth is that the actor himself didn’t know it was there until Rob Reiner noticed it on the set of Ghosts of Mississippi. Right before Baldwin attempted to peel it off, Reiner told him it suited his face and that it could become something special. Always with the midas touch, Reiner was correct and the meatball-faced Baldwin’s career skyrocketed. When asked where he thought the meatball came from, Baldwin said “I think I was in the East Village dining with an old girlfriend at Mama Sauce’s, but if might’ve been during Easter ’87 when my brothers and I made meat eggs”.

Phil Mickelson’s chain

The famous golfer’s famous chain has nothing to do with his famous left-handed drive, but is instead proof of membership in famous hip hop collective, The East City Stompers. Phil financed one of their early projects, a mix tape featuring members Papa Smurph, Leeanne Rhymes, Yeah Man, Kicky P and Booky Chapters that led to their platinum selling LP, “White Guns”. Mickelson claimed he had nothing to do with the group’s infamous beef with rivals Famous Explosions which culminated in the unsolved murder of rapper/entrepreneur Bikini Atoll.

 

What they used as condoms in the old days

Back in the old days there was no such thing as rubber condoms so to avoid getting a woman pregnant, men of the realm would either have to fashion their own out of whatever was around or have a pig eat their own dick off. Here’s what some of yesteryear’s horn dogs used to dam the stream:

Blacksmith – Rot iron condom

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Baker – hollow bread condom

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Knight – No condom

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King – Silk condom made to look like a bigger dick

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Jester – King’s underpants condom

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Peasant – Mud condom

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Time Traveler – LifeStyles brand condom

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Wizard – Smoke condom

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Wizard’s Apprentice

Yeah right! Sorry, but I’m not going to fulfill your perverted fantasy of imagining a bright, young apprentice with a test tube around his underdeveloped peen staring dead ahead into the lustful eyes of the village harlot.

New comic – “Call of the Child”

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Tech graveyard 2014

With the exception of a new toilet flusher and some shoes whose colours are downright otherworldly by 1940s standards, yours truly hasn’t invested in much new tech in 2014. Just because I haven’t bought new gadgets, opting instead to invest in hedonism for my tastebuds (burgers and fries), I keep up with the trends in case I’m asked to represent Earth in some sort of intergalactic brainstorm.

Like any other year there have been survivors and corpses, with the former becoming as ubiquitous as our morning slurp and the latter becoming the butt of jokes that only industry insiders and annoying people will understand twenty years from now. I’m more interested in the failures, the Avro Arrows of the bunch because I see a lot of distilled human hope in these gadgets, hope that never got a chance to pupate and morph into pure dollars, cents and rabid Internet dissection. Let’s take a look at those devices that will NOT see the bottom of the kiddies’ Christmas socks this holiday season:

Nike Air Keyboards – Wozniak, Gates, Page & Brin signature models

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What is it?

Nike signed endorsement deals with three industry heavyweights and employed renowned street artists such as +Muck+ to collaborate on some customized boards.

Why didn’t it work?

Too much hype. Nike spent over six hundred million dollars building hype with teasers, pop up Internet cafes that served free ginger beer and a guerrilla art campaign that really pissed off Europe. The keyboards’ distinct graphics and air technology that made each keystroke feeling like you’re poking a chubby puppy’s belly weren’t enough to sway consumers. They also created controversy by replacing the “@” sign with the famous Nike Swoosh and attempting to create a new type of mail service called “NikEmail”.

Gluten-free monitor by Whole Foods

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What is it?

Back in 2011 consumers were shocked by a report indicating that most computer monitors contain wheat, which of course contains gluten. Whole Foods announced early this year that they wanted to expand their product offerings to include non-food items that would fit into their dedicated customers’ healthy lifestyles. They worked with Zenith to produce the world’s first gluten-free computer monitor.

Why didn’t it work?

Despite being warned not to attempt to eat the monitors, health nuts still attempted to, mostly due to the fact that the innards of each unit were flavoured to taste like chicken tikka masala.

Fax Machine by Xerox and JJ Abrams

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What is it?

The king of Hollywood reboots accepted the challenge from Xerox president Lolly Bave to reinvent the fax machine for the 21st century.

Why didn’t it work?

The biggest change Abrams made was replacing the classic high-pitched scream of the fax machine with the low, ominous hum of a large spacecraft crashing into Earth, like this:

Abrams also made the mistake of replacing the classic telephone handset that came standard with older machines with high-powered LED flashlight. The idea was to utilize the light in case of a deep paper jam, but with new technology already part of the unit, paper jams rarely occurred, rendering it useless.

Young Adult Printer

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What is it?

A laser jet printer aimed at the young adults who made novels like Twilight a smashing success.

Why didn’t it work?

When printing the machine would emit a soft cry which elicited several 9-1-1 calls from concerned parents who thought their teens were not printing their books reports, but rather were on the verge of suicide. The printer’s display also provided daily messages to users pulled from some of the more popular titles. Xerox spent a reported six million dollars acquiring the rights to these quotes and was forced to use cheaper parts, making each unit’s lifespan a paltry three months.

Chipotle GrillPhone

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What is it?

A smartphone manufactured by Chipotle fresh Mexican grill.

Why didn’t it work?

The prospect of the Grillphone was met with much fanfare as consumers marvelled at its cheap price tag ($14.99) and impressive array of standard features. Things went awry when a scathing Wired article revealed that users would be met with a “deal of the day” option every time their phone was activated. If one was to accidentally press the unit’s logo button while on this screen their E-Sauce account (necessary to use the phone) would automatically charge $10.99 to their credit card and a burrito would be made available at the nearest location. Also, if the user didn’t respond within 15 seconds, the burrito would be ordered automatically. The apps were also limited and were mostly about tacos.

 

Movie pitch: Glennegades

Title:

GLENNEGADES

Log Line:

A Toronto Glenn recruits the world’s top Glenns to stop a sinister brigade of Daniels from taking full control of the ‘Glenn’ Wikipedia page… and the world.

Synopsis:

In the year 2016 the Planet Earth is undergoing massive changes. A new generation of Tylers and Ethans threaten the existence of the Daves and Jims of old while the Internet continues to distract the public from shadows that lurk beneath the everyday mundane.

One afternoon, hacker, DJ and scientist Glenn M. stumbles upon a subgroup of Daniels looking to systematically erase the history of humanity’s most powerful names, starting with the Glenns. Before he has time to roll his eyes and spit on his monitor, Glenn M.’s activity is tracked by Daniels’ security forces and thanks to a anonymous tip (ends up being his brother, Scott), he leaves his apartment before it’s ransacked and vandalized with old bandages and Daniel Day-Louis posters.

Glenn M. hacks an airplane and flies it to Scotland where his name originated, rendezvousing with a beautiful Glenn named Glenn. Using her skills as a master seductress and half-decent jogger, Glenn helps Glenn recruit a team of world-class Glenns to fight this new threat in order to save not only Glenns but every name we hold dear. Taking Glenn and his team of Glenns around the globe in an action-packed thrill ride, GLENNEGADES is sure to be this century’s best and most exciting piece of art.

If you’re interested in financing this project please leave a crystal tulip on my doorstep and I’ll get back to you. I already have my business partnerships team working on deals to get Glenn-themed fries at Wendy’s (they’re way shorter than regular fries and come with a new purple dip) and a Glenn fedora with his signature seagull feather at Big It Up locations nationwide.

My art department has whipped up some images that I feel brings the hype. As you can see my company and I are well-prepared to take this project out of the stratosphere and into the part of outer space where no one even knows what food is.

Are you ready for opening night?

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