Canada’s sexiest provinces/territories

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Easy poetry

Poetry is the easiest art form to master so if you’re looking to impress a girl, eulogize a Scottish guy or find a creative way to list your volunteer experience on a resume, use poetry. For years I’ve been one of the top poets in Ontario and it’s not because I see the beauty in boring things like lawns. Here are some tips to turn you into me:

Rhyme a sentence

Most poetry is goddamn nonsense but since it’s considered “art”, you can write anything and someone out there will think it’s profound. To make an easy abstract poem, write down any common sentence and then rhyme it to form something new.

Sample sentence:
All you gotta do is find at least two words that sound like each other.

Now rhyme it with any words you want to form a beautiful, abstract poem:
Ball stew rot of poo
piss grint rat beast
poo curds fat
drowned bike beach mother

Make a haiku

It’s so dumb that haikus are considered poems because they’re so easy to do as long as you know what syllables are. Syllables are like, the number of things that sound like… one thing in a word or sentence… um, they’re like drum beats but… what am I, a dictionary?

To make a haiku write one sentence that’s 5 syllables, another that’s 7 and then another that’s 5. I can make a haiku out of the bullshit I just wrote:

Syllables are like
The number of things that sound…
um, they’re like drum beats

make up whatever you want but don’t smile when someone reads it in front of you

Part of being a poet is knowing when to frown. Here’s something I made up that doesn’t have anything to do with my emotions:

The sound of winter
The taste of fall
The onion in the
Waterfall

Take this poem to your teacher and read it with a frown and you’ll get an A-, guaranteed. Crack a smile and it’s detention time where you’ll probably be forced to write a real poem about how rude you’ve been.

Place around with space

Every poet wishes they could draw but since they can’t they treat their poem paper like a canvas, splashing words here and there to make it look cool. You can’t put sunglasses on a steak and make it look like a cow but apparently you can wiggle words and make a poem a hit. Let’s take this poem I came up with just now:

Trees shake from top to tail
They’re Used to it.
Wind Moves Trees
It’s Used To IT.
Water?
Still.

Pretty boring. Watch what happens once we shift things around:

Trees shake from top to tail
                                            They’re Used to it.
                                                                    Wind Moves Trees
                                                                                           It’s Used To IT.
Water?
Still.

poetry

New numbers, 2015

Every year new numbers are added to an already packed list of classics to help us with modern transactions and equations unknown to past generations. For example, it would be extremely difficult to make change using old numbers after someone gave you their bitcoin for half your LEGO Brick Bux.

Here are this year’s official additions:

Nepp

number5

Nestled safely between ten and eleven, nepp will soon be gracing the jerseys of your favourite sports heroes.

Fullteen

number4

This number was designed to create a standard, worldwide speed limit. This is the neppth time scientists have attempted such a number and it looks like the math finally worked out.

Sespeiden

number3

Sespeiden will be used by the film industry in the increasingly confusing era of prequels, sequels and reboots. Disney is expected to be the first to adapt the new number when Star Wars Episode Sespeiden is released denty years after the original trilogy.

Denty

number2

Denty is another new number that combines all our daily numbers–the temperature, the date, NASDAQ–into one convenient number. It sounds confusing but its lead developer told the press that it is equal to “a bit”.

Seventy-Tulp

number1

This number represents every year that life has existed on Earth so that if aliens come and ask about our birthdays we can give them one solid answer.

Wet or not wet

Everything on Earth can get wet if you want it to. What’s worth getting wet this summer? Don’t bother thinking about it, we’ll tell you:

Dad’s Swiss Army Knife
Not Wet

knife

First off, if daddy finds out you went digging around in his sock drawer he might never let you turn the shed into an arcade so I’d avoid the knife altogether. But if you must grab it I know it’ll be tempting to wet your knife to see if it grows a new tool. Unfortunately that only works with a strain of water only found in the Swiss Alps that’s protected by a faerie who’ll trade you a cup for a smoke.

Funny Beverage Coaster
Wet

coaster

A coaster’s job is to get wet so that whatever’s under it stays dry. Don’t let your coaster live the dry life for very long or it’ll start thinking it’s a bookmark. If you ever find yourself forgetting whether a coaster should be wet or dry, remember that it serves the same purpose as a Slicker* at an orgy.

*A Slicker is any dry person at an orgy who enjoys being sandwiched between two wet nudes.

rodent WHEEL 
WET

hamster-wheel

We all have memories of lying in the cool summer grass and spotting a dew-covered hamster wheel shining in the sun across the yard, beyond the viper pit. Whether you play it safe by constructing cute little SCUBA gear for your hamster or live dangerously by whippin’ it in there, nothing says summer like a
whet wheel.

Football
Dry

deflated-football1

A wet pig may be a sign of good luck in 38 of the world’s 59 countries, but if you’re wondering how moist your pigskin should be, keep it on the dry side. A true football should have the feel of a halfway-to-raisin grape.

Pack of playing cards
Wet

toilet-cards

Let’s say a magician stops you at the mall and asks to use your deck of cards for a trick–if those cards are dry he’ll be able to fully execute, impressing the crowd enough that he can legally call the deck his own. Wetness will create a slick surface that will make the simplest tricks–say a Peaky Joker or a Diamond Heist–a lot more difficult. Let him embarrass himself, take your cards back and tell the crowd “Guess this guy can’t come to the beach with us” then lead them to the beach.

Framed vacation photo
Wet and Not Wet

Framed-pebble1

This is obviously a matter of preference and will depend on the nature of the vacation depicted. I prefer to wet my not wet vacation photos and keep wet vacation photos not wet to avoid redundancy, but I know quite a few people who bring pics of the desert into the shower with them to create a special effect.

Gun 
Wet

handguns_salt_rain_SW_MP_cerakote_000

If you carry a gun it’s probably because you’re scared someone else with a gun will get mad at you start a gun fight. Keeping a wet gun means that if that person manages to shoot you and leave you for dead, you’ll have a supply of water to keep you alive until a dog sniffs you out and gives you a sailor’s death by eating you from the toes up.

bag of screws
Wet

ATBRMC20

I once built a treehouse using nothing but wet screws. After three weeks the water seeped into the central nervous system of the structure, giving it life. The treehouse then bonded with the tree creating a new being that called itself Blawnard the Judicious.

10 politically correct responses to Caitlyn Jenner

The Internet isn’t yet unanimous on how we should react to, and feel about Caitlyn Jenner’s journey into womanhood, so to avoid being persecuted for your own opinion that’s probably wrong anyway, here are 10 reactions that won’t ruffle any feathers (I think).

1. Good

2. I understand

3. Alright

4. I know

5. Okay

6. I’m in

7. See?

8. Very fair

9.  Nice

10. No problem

 

This month’s playlist

Last month we tried to order a new writer to pen a fake Bible from the perspective of roller derby girl but the job company shipped us a music critic by mistake. We felt bad that the guy spent 57 hours in a box en route to our offices, so we let him write one piece before shipping him back to Omsk.

My Playlist

By glennmacaulay.com music critic, Julian Lapterjunsting

Here’s what I’ll be jamming to this month when I hitch up to Alaska for HOLY MOLY AuthntcFstvl this coming July. My tastes are very complex and these tracks are challenging but I believe that when ingested together they form a nihilistic pattern that could be interpreted as a hyper-common argument. Enjoy!

Pinwzb

This Irish singer/slapper mixes hazy west coast post-dream drone with utter disdain for the bass clef (for once). I love the uplifting message and the understated whale winds she weaves from textures based around the idea of unlimited holidays.


The Dog Ate My… To Be Continued

This is what it would sound like if The Ramones traded their guitars for a Fellini film during softball season in rural Georgia in 1968. This is the perfect soundtrack for a chess picnic in June, minus the rain and undeniable circumstance.


John Aunt

What begins as a lesson in baroque clang, ends with a nod to the hollowness prevalent in 90’s-era stop ‘n go. With each chorus, Aunt calls for a new instigation of truth backed by throbbing rhythms, while the listener can’t help but respond by urging, “solve me!”.


Goodyear Tired

Bushy-headed prank slop from three Rhode Island teens who don’t nod to their influences so much as babysit them. The pubescent relentlessness raises questions about ethics in our caustic attitude toward “the new normal” but somehow it works, backed by Cody Nubbles’ otherworldly vocals and drummer Daryl Invicta’s two-three-nine patterns and drop stings.

Fruit Chute

Wonderful! That alarm means that the Fruit Chute is armed and ready to bring us the bounty of the summer season.

The Fruit Chute is a mysterious machine that some believe is one of the lost talismans of David Blaine. My former master found it in his mom’s garage while looking for a baseball card that he claimed had a swear word printed in the place of the player’s name. I’ve got the Internet and I still haven’t found mention of the misprinted card so I suspect he was lying to cover up the fact that he was living in his mom’s garage at the time.

He installed the Chute it in our office where it remains today, churning out delicious fruits that all smell like clay (they taste good).

Untitled-1We haven’t had a fruit come down the chute since the last of the nectarines back in August. Oh, it’s starting up! The machine sounds like this when it gets going:

And out of the purple vapour comes today’s fruit…

Untitledd-1

I don’t know what fruit this is. It smells like clay so it’s definitely from the Chute but it doesn’t look like anything I’ve ever chomped on. I don’t see a stem but it has the structural integrity of an unripened plum. I’ve never had a reason to mistrust the Chute so I’ll take a bite.

Hey, this is Russell, Glenn’s assistant. After he ate the fruit he started getting zits on his eyes so we rushed him to the hospital where they pumped his stomach to find this:

Glenn’s doing fine now but the creature is demanding we pay for food and accommodations while he sorts out what dimension he’s in. Legally that’s all we can say right now. Thanks for reading!

The Simpsons audition

The NFL’s most questionable suspensions

In the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension over bad footballs, we take a look back at some of the National Football League’s most memorable acts of discipline:

beebe

Don Beebe: 3 games and a$5,000 fine for scrawling “Don’s Room KEEP OUT” on the inside of his locker

willie-anderson

Flipper Anderson: 1 game for promoting AM radio on FM radio

bosworth.02

Brian Bosworth: 5 games for drawing eyes on his shoelaces and making them look like little snakes.

13-mark-brunell_606

Mark Brunell: 2 games and a $2300 fine for changing all the clocks in the locker room behind an hour so he’d have enough time to buy a “sorry I tried on your wedding dress” cake for his wife.

Mark Duper: 1 playoff game for signing an endorsement deal with Iams using the blood of his neighbour’s cat

kordell-stewart-pitts

Kordell Stewart: 7 games for clicking a pen while his son watched E.T. after Kordell got upset that he wasn’t able to watch a circus documentary he had heard about.

JOE THEISMANN

Joe Thiesmann: 3 games for leading off a pre-game prayer with “God, I know you’re busy trying to find me a Scottish version of Fran Drescher, but…”

Charles Woodson: 5 games for pickling his mouth guard in a brine that didn’t include mustard seed.

ronnie-lott

Ronnie Lott: 1 game for building a nest in the weight room using unauthorized yarn.

Brett Favre: 4 games for taking grass from Solider Field and sprinkling it on his voodoo field at home

082714-s-josh-70p

Josh Brown: 9 games for designing his autograph so that if flipped upside down, it spells out “I’M NOT DUMB YOU ARE”

hi-res-55b1a95102647016cbd72e8740a101d0_crop_north

Dwayne Bowe: 5 games for not seeking league permission in licensing his line of headphones that look like protective cups.

 

Proper essay structure

I recently completed a rigorous semester of study at the University of School, and although I maintained a ‘P’ average I wish I had’ve known how to write a proper essay before getting there.

To help out future students I’ve created a simple diagram that should help to guide you through your first essay. Thank you so much.
proper_essay_format