Glenn Power Rankings – January 2016

This is your opportunity to see what’s up and what’s down in the life of the butter boy himself, Glenn. It’s time for…

powerrankings

 

1. Ignoring Exhaustion 
Last month – #36

A touch of insomnia and a head full of “oh man’s” brought Glenn belt-to-belt with that bald bitch himself, Exhaustion, in January. He used to face this threat by pupating but now he only gently whines and attempts to push it into the pit using a Spotify playlist full of energy-laden jock jams. If you see him sleepy-eyed, fear not! He is now trained to ignore Exhaustion’s lullaby (a pretty rippin’ blues number featuring Ronnie Wood on pedal steel).

2. Plowin’ Through Groceries
Last month – #12

“Value” is a land mammal’s version of the sea’s unlimited bubbles, and nothing says “value” like making use of all the food (eaten or smeared) you bought from the store. Due to a decrease in “Fear Meals Won’t Taste Good” (last month’s #49), Glenn’s groceries are flying out the fridge and into one of the many pans he’s accumulated over the years thanks to miscommunication between loved ones when it comes to gift ideas.

3. Small glasses of milk
Last month – #98

By re-discovering a perfectly sized Ghostbusters 2 juice glass that can be filled to the brim without costing him the carton, coupled with a re-engagement with the guilt-free quench that a cool glass of skim provides, Glenn is back sippin’ cow tea before bed.

4. Being patient with video games
Last month – #22

As a gift to himself and any screen bean who happens to visit his armoured headquarters, Glenn bought a next generation video game console sometime around the turn of December. With so many plastic PMs invested in this venture he’s been forced to put more effort into playtime and not get frustrated when the boy on the screen doesn’t do what the man stroking the buttons is demanding.

6. Timing showers
Last month – #2

Glenn quit the hockey team last year and while it’s given him time chew on a few puzzles, his active life has suffered. In January he took a squish at squash, which, combined with his summer slams on the tennis trail has completed the move away from team-based stick sports to individual racquet slams. Since many squash meets happen midday at a nearby gym, Glenn’s been forced to adjust his morning shower schedule so as not overdo the shampoo. It’s been a rocky road but we fully expect the timing of showers to shoot back up the rankings next month.

6. Not eating chicken
Last month – #7

It’s was hard for Glenn to reach for a commercial flesh that wasn’t bird this January. Experts suggest this is the result of a surging ignorance of the tit and a committed embrace of thigh and leg, body parts that have kept Glenn on budget and on flavour.

7. Tripping over lamps
Last month – #1

Glenn tripped over zero lamps in 2o15 according to data mined from his Apple Jeans and yet here he is, lips deep into Janny with two trips on the charts. Both instances yielded disastrous bulb replacements, which raised questions such as “Do we have light bulbs?”, “Where are the light bulbs?” and “Can you recycle light bulbs?”

Premium members get access to the full 407 point list and bonus monthly gifts. This February, glennmacaulay.com is offering members a complete illustrated history of deodorant brand loyalty, starting at puberty with the fabled Right Guard epoch, leading up the current Old Spice revolution. 

Phighting Kingdom Theme

I was looking through my old CDs in my parent’s basement’s garage and I came upon the old Phighting Kingdom soundtrack. Remember that game? It was the really violent one where you could eat other characters’ children after you killed them. Anyway, I forgot they made this techno theme song to lead off the CD and it brought back such fond memories that I uploaded it to YouTube:

Wednesday “What If?”

 

WHAT IF I were an international remix DJ?

My name would be DJ John Leno and when the world’s top booker asks me, “What’s with the name, beat man?”, I’ll hand them my business card:

Jay-Leno copy

But WHAT IF the booker looks at it then says, “I get it, but why not ‘DJ Jay Lennon?'”?

I’d give them a crooked look and explain that phonetically, it doesn’t sound as smooth, and since my business is sound I needed something that really hums.

WHAT IF the booker then says, “Sorry, my childhood best friend’s name was John Leno so that’s why I’m sensitive”?

I’d lay a hand softly on their shoulder and explain how we’re all reminded of lost love ones at various points in our lives. The key is to not dwell on it, or to have the foresight to avoid it altogether. For example, I met a gorgeous woman named Hanna Remix and decided against pursuing a relationship with her solely because if she died I’d be reminded of her every time I lay down wax at a hype jam, which happens a lot, it’s my job.

WHAT IF the booker comes back with, “But if you’d married her she could’ve take your last name”?

Then I’d paint a vivid picture of Hanna and how her strong feminist upbringing meant she’d be adverse to the rather archaic tradition of name-taking.

WHAT IF the booker has done enough research to be able to respond, “Without that ‘archaic’ tradition your DJ name would be John Muir-Leno”?

I’d ask them how they know so much about Jay Leno’s mother.

WHAT IF the booker takes off his mask to reveal he was Jay Leno all along?

I’d ask if the part about the childhood best friend named “John Leno” were true because Jay does has a brother named Patrick, but likely didn’t have a best friend who shared his last name.

WHAT IF he asks how I know so much about him and his family?

I rip off MY mask to reveal I’m Jay Leno.

*Fade To Black*

Therefore, the answer to this year’s Wednesday What If?: “What if I were an international remix DJ?” is…

Impossible, there’s only one Jay Leno.

Famous snowmen

When the white starts falling, my brain starts calling and I trudge out onto the plains to make a man of snow.

No, that’s not a Neil Young lyric, it’s an artistic reality. My snowmen are deeply personal expressions of my ideal man and have never been exposed to anyone outside of my snooping neighbour, Hewlett, and anyone passing by en route to Pogo Acres during pear season.

Not everyone is as secretive as I am. You may not know it but there’s a thriving scene of artisans from pole-to-pole sharing their creations via social media and FROSTI, the glossy, Rupert Murdoch-founded semi-annual dedicated to all things chilly.

As an avid follower of the form I’ve scrapbooked images of my favourites and would like to share them with you to expose some under-appreciated work as well as to provide me an alibi for today, as my cousin told me he’s planning on framing me for “something bad”.

snowman07

Title: “Little Jeremy Dreams In Black & White” (2012)
Artist: Daphne C.

What is loneliness? We’ve been seeking the answer for eons and we found it in Daphne C.’s groundbreaking work created on a roadside patch next to a seasonal crab shack, closed for the winter.

large-snowman_1553925i

Title: “Election Promises” (2008)
Artist: MoonWave Collective

Wisely utilizing the spacious backyard of their leader’s wealthy parents as a canvas, the always controversial MoonWave Collective sculpted this stunning nine-footer, evoking the hopelessness concurrent with American electoral reform.

15

Title: “Father?” (2014)
Artist: Pupp Dolphin

Half craftsman, half enviro-warrior, 100% artist; Dolphin is a power player in the scene and sent shock waves throughout his sleepy Oregon neighbourhood  when a rare snowstorm afforded him the opportunity to create this disturbing piece. Reaction to the quad-baller was initially mixed until it was spared by bully and notorious man-melter, Scott McDonald. Word quickly spread thereby elevating its status to become a popular local photo op until it rained two days later.

snowman_using_phone

Title: “#HashTag” (2014)
Artist: Nimble

Breaking tradition is certainly the calling card of Nimble, who once used the heads of a group of kindergarteners as brushes to create a massive painting of a copyright symbol, commissioned by the organizing committee of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics.

snowman-2012

Title: “We Will Not Play Nice” (2001)
Artist: Virginia Greddy

Greddy sought to reflect the heart of man rather than his neck as an affront to the Spherist Period of snow crafting, which had dominated the medium for weeks.

snowman28_1554856i

Title: “Thomas, my word” (2015)
Artist: Saam William Ian

Ian was influenced equally by brutalists and The Empire Strikes Back when he first conceived last year’s Neige De Ronde Prize-winning piece. Taking a staggering entire afternoon and six flagons on hot chocolate, the finished man was an instant hit and was even mentioned in the season finale of Bones.

Movie Review — The Hateful Eight

8_playing_cards

There’s only one way to cure the space fever that’s infected movie watchers worldwide this holiday season, and that’s by seeing a film that takes place on God’s great ground. This doctor would recommend a few syringes full of The Hateful Eight, a new horse-drawn bleeder from the Stud of Blood himself, Q. Tarantino.

If you prefer your earth muck-brown or grass-green then maybe should keep your melon on the moon because this baby is teeming with the white stuff and I’m not talkin’ whipped cream. It’s a snow-covered epic that screams, “I’m a cowboy movie”, although I felt I was watching award-winning actors playing dress up with clothes and hats by award-winning costume designers influenced by an old Pendleton catalog they found at the famous Rose Bowl Flea Market. Let’s just say that the leads look more “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” than “These Are Horsey Gentlemen”, know what I mean? I’m all for being stylish but when the guy steering the carriage looks more more fashionable than me–a hip, youngish northern urbanite with a keen eye for flair–I can’t help but get taken out of frozen Hell and into Elle.

It’s cool though, this is a movie, not the New York Times. There’s plenty of dirt, blankets, fur, chunky stews and wood-paneled shacks to evoke feelings of a time before non-stick pans.

The story is about a bunch of assholes who happen upon each other on this shitty mountain in Wyoming. There’s one woman whom everyone else revolves around like a nerd at a movie museum revolving around a life-sized BB-8 droid who’s revolving around itself while revolving around a made-up universe with planets named after nothing but human imagination. To tell you anything more than that would be to betray Me-Everyone else who doesn’t jam hard like me confidentiality, so let’s just say that they don’t spend their time in the shack exchangin’ boot sizes and fried bread recipes.

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With Tarantino telling everyone what to do and say you get a lot of adult themes, liquor use, swearing and shooting. There’s more than enough snow and a couple mentions of J.C.’s b-day to designate it a Christmas movie, with enough western themes to trick your dad into seeing it.

I’d give The Hateful Eight a “yee haw I didn’t mind paying for this” out of 10 and hope that Tarantino’s next movie has a few cell phones in it for Christ’s sake.

2015 Advent Calendar — December 25

Your December 25 Advent treat window looks like this:

Baby-Santa-Christmas-Costume----pTRU1-11940073dt

You peel it away and save it in your memory chest, almost forgetting to check behind it for the final holiday track in the series. It’s another classic, very straight-forward, can be played in Church, the kitchen, wherever. Thanks for listening everyone!

2015 Advent Calendar — December 24

Your December 24 Advent treat window looks like this:

tumblr_noxrk8dIlF1s0eisko1_500

You melt through it using a hot piece of iron you’ve been saving for a rainy today to reveal today’s classic Glenn holiday track:

It’s kinda cheating because it’s four years old but this challenge was tough and this song rules. Here are the lyrics, co-written by Warren G and Nate Dogg:

Regulators
We regulate any stealing of his property
And we damn good too
But you can’t beat any geek off the street,
Gotta be handy with the steel
If you know what I mean, earn your keep
Regulators! Mount up!

(Warren G:)
It was a clear black night, a clear white moon
Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume
Some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk
Just rollin’ in my ride, chillin’ all alone

(Glenn:)
Just hit the Eastside of the HBC
On a mission tryna find a gift for Warren G
Seen a rack full of toys ain’t no need to pause
All you skirts know what’s up with Santa claus

(Warren G:)
So I hooks a left on the 21 and Lewis
Some brothas shootin’ dice so I said “Let’s do this”
I jumped out the ride,
And said “What’s up?”
Some brothas pulled some gats so I said “I’m stuck.”

(Glenn:)
Since these toys on sale i’ma buy them all
These cashiers lookin so bored, they work at the mall
Wont’cha think of better things than some bored cashiers
I think I’ll call Warren G and we can get some beers

(Warren G:)
I’m gettin’ jacked, I’m breakin’ myself
I can’t believe they taking Warren’s wealth
They took my rings, they took my Rolex
I looked at the brotha said “Damn, what’s next?”

(Glenn:)
I call Warren G he doesn’t answer the phone
Maybe I’ll just split and watch Home Alone
It’s a good Christmas flick, for when you’re feeling blue
And when it’s all done put in Home Alone 2

(Warren G:)
They got guns to my head
I think I’m going down
I can’t believe this happenin’ in my own town
If I had wings I could fly
Let me contemplate
I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate

(Glenn:)
It’s snowing outside and looks real nice
Man, I hope Warren G didn’t go and play dice
He always gets into trouble with this guy named Nate
It’s not uncommon that they’re forced to regulate

I laid all my parcels down, I gave my cat a pet
Turn on my computer and log onto internet
Check out Facebook, type in “warren G”
Saw the following status update staring back at me:

(Warren G:)
Now Nate got the freaks
And that’s a known fact
Before I got jacked I was on the same track
Back up back up cause it’s on
N A T E and me
The Warren to the G

(Glenn:)
Just like I thought
He was hangin’ with Nate
and it sounds like he got jaaaaacked
Ah geez I’m hungry
I’m in need of a goddamn snaaaack

I saw a large pizza sexy as hell
I said “Oh I like your size.”
extra cheese with meat and some bro-co-li, peppers, on the side
I got a belly full of pie and it’s going real swell
The next track is jingle bellllllllss (fade in jingle bells)

(Warren G:)
I’m tweaking
Into a whole new era
G-Funk
Step to this
I dare ya
Funk
On a whole new level

(Glenn:)
What this track needs is some Aaron Neville

(Warren G:)
Chords
Strings
We brings
Melody
G-Funk
Where rhythm is life
And life is rhythm

(Glenn:)
If you know like I know
You don’t wanna step to this
It’s the christmas era
Funked out with a gangsta twist
If you joke like I joke
Then you smile like everyday
And if your ass is a buster
Santa Claus will regulate

2015 Advent Calendar — December 23

Your December 23 Advent treat window looks like this:

Miniature Exploder - Minex-l

You put on your lead-lined gloves and peel it back to reveal today’s funky-ass holiday track:

Here are the lyrics, one chapter long:

I sharpened up a candy cane
I shivved a fuckin’ guard   

I walked right out the cellblock, baby
It wasn’t very hard

Killed the warden with my boot
Stole the warden’s santa suit
Grabbed his gun and got away
I’d be home for boxing day

Man on the inside
said get up on this deal
2 fax machines for the price of one
That’s a goddamn steal

Little did i know though
the technology’s obsolete
I hadn’t been in public
since 1983

But I went and saw my family
dressed as Santa Claus
The warden’s blood was on the cuff
which gave my daughter pause

2015 Advent Calendar — December 22

Your December 22 Advent treat window looks like this:

lions

You send it on a boat back to its homeland (France), thus revealing today’s holiday track:

Here are the lyrics, which are the only honest ones of this entire audio adventure:

I
am great at presents
I take great effort
in buying gifts
For ones I love

But when it comes to wrapping presents
I am hopeless

I am the shame of both my parents
I’m impatient

I don’t get how people guess
The amount of paper needed for one gift
How do they make the corners look so sharp?
Mine end up looking like floppy tarps

Thank God for gift bags
And store-bought fancy gift tags
My gifts are thoughtful
But their skins are so awful

 

2015 Advent Calendar — December 21

Your December 21 Advent treat window looks like this:

office_graph_small-e1310388639706

You feed it to your pet horse revealing today’s joyous Joy Division-inspired track:

Here are the lyrics, which are fresh, local AND organic:

Snow is white water
He Is Harry Potter

We all know how the story goes
From boy to man over eight film span

An allegory certainly
But is it truly a  Christmas movie?

There’s always a part about holidays
Harry sometimes leaves, he often stays
They exchange presents and it always snows
They wear cute sweaters and Christmas robes

If it’s about magic and friendship
Is that not Christmas?
Is That not Christmas?