GLENN W. MACAULAY

I bet you $100 that last year’s March 13th wasn’t very good for you. It was a Tuesday and you probably wanted mama’s special for dinner but your spouse made broccoli and raisin sour mash instead. In 2013 I give you the opportunity to live the March 13th of your dreams with the second edition of Weird Al Karaoke as part of Toronto SketchFest. It’s at 10:30pm and features some of my favourite, real friends singing original parodies. Last time I sang a parody of “Sad But True” called “Bad Beef Stew”. As a special treat, here are the never before published lyrics:

Hey, I’m your chef
I’m the one who cooks your food
Hey I’m your chef
I’m going to make a stew
Oh no, I’m out of salt  
And I’m out of potatoes
Oh well, heat the pot
It’s almost dinner time

I’m your steam, cooks the veal
I’m your beets that you must peel
I’m the man who cooks your meal, bad beef stew
I’m your steam, big buffet
I’m your beets cook them all day
I am friends with Bobby Flay
You know it’s bad beef stew

You YOu you’re my boss
You’re my only employer
You you you’re my boss
You’re the one who pays
Do do do my best
Do my best when I make food
Do Do Do my job but this meal isn’t good.

I’m your steam that cooks the veal
I’m your beets that you must peel
I’m the man who cooks your meal, bad beef stew
I’m your steam, big buffet
I’m your beets cook them all day
I am friends with Bobby Flay
You know it’s bad beef stew

I’m your steam
I’m your beets
Bobby Flay
I’m your steam
I’m your beets
Bobby Flay
You know it’s bad beef stew

Wait, Wait, Don’t eat that
Don’t eat the stew it’s garbage
I’m I’m I’m ashamed
it’s made with rotten beef
Hey Hey I’m your chef
I’m the one who cooked your stew
Hey Hey, I’m your chef please don’t fire me

I’m your steam that cooks the veal
I’m your beets that you must peel
I’m the man who cooks your meal, bad beef stew
I’m your steam, big buffet
I’m your beets cook them all day
I am friends with Bobby Flay
You know it’s bad beef stew

I’ll be debuting a brand new show called WEIRD AL KARAOKE on January 4th at 10:00pm in Toronto’s Comedy Bar. It’s part of the Festival of New Formats meaning it’s FREE. The show will feature some of my favourites (and me) performing original parody songs. I’ve wanted to do this for awhile and now it’s happening. Do dreams come true? No! I had a dream two nights ago where I hugged both Mels from the Spice Girls. Yeah right that’ll happen. Silly ideas come true though. See you there!

Well, I’m about as married as a guy can get without being one of those guys who gets married a lot. Everything went great including the honeymoon in Hawaii where nothing funny happened. It was all mushy and sexy.

Anyway, now that I’m officially shackled to a pretty lady, my career in doing whatever it is this is will continue. I’ve already stormed out of the gate with a few new blog entries.

Stay tuned for fun, games and free sharks teeth if you visit this page more than 6 times in the month of Halloween. You’ll have to then send me a message so I can validate you. Then you’ll receive a catologue of available chompers. Send an order form within 60 days as well as a $49.95 convenience fee and you should receive your prize by whenever.

If you rely on glennmacaulay.com for all your news, lust and adventures, you’ve probably been disappointed at the lack of information lately. I have a good reason! And no, sorry Brad Pitt, I’m not retiring, but I am getting married. I didn’t realize it when I baked my now financé a proposal ham, but weddings are hard work and require a lot of attention and boxes upon boxes of granola bars.
Once I’m married I’ll be able to fully concentrate on creating some of the most important human work of all time, and this will be the place to find out about it. Sound good? Sorry, you’re not invited.

With all this summer heat it must be extremely tough for those in the street soup business. From all of us here at glennmacaulay.com, good luck and may your broths be savory and full of flavour.

In other news, my world famous personal blog has been as hot as a bowl of Italian Wedding on the 4th of July! There have been several updates lately that may unlock a secret emotion deep down inside you that you never knew existed. It happened to me. I now experience a boredom variant I call “Pennooning”.

If you’re hiding in a closet with your laptop because there are dogs after you, take some time to check out these Fyre Dryll album covers that myself and my friend Andy made.

I’ll be taping an episode of Rogers TV’s Late Night with Matty D on July 16 at the Garrison in Toronto. If you don’t own a TV then you have no choice but to come.

Why not get your computers to barf out some of this content that I’m a part of:

Some of my standup featured on James Boyd’s Farce After Dark podcast

I wrote and am in this Deck Crew short from the Space Janitors web series. It says Andy wrote it but it’s incorrect. Why would I lie about that?

I also added some new pictures including the proceeding product that I featured in Frugal Fridays over at the blog. Also check out the letter I wrote to the actor playing me in a movie.

Wow, I had fun creating this update, during which I ate 16 Twix bars as part of a dare.

It’s Saturday! The day where all you want to do is go buy things so that you feel good about yourself until Monday. Why not break the cycle and explore my website full of fresh miracles and unbelievable dreams. Check out the blog for new posts and the videos section for a new video featuring my latest character “The God of Paris”. If you’re reading this on a day other than Saturday, then brother, I don’t know what to tell you. Wait, yeah I do — Go gather fresh raspberries and bring them to me at once!

There is a new video added to the “Videos” section about me watching Top Chef. Where the hell else would I put it, under “Pictures”?! Sorry, the tone I’m going for in this post is “guy at pool party who is a bit more drunk than everyone else and brought homemade beer”.

I just turned 30, there’s a new video up and I own more pairs of shoes than at any other point in my life. Just try to stop me Satan I dare you!

My hand is finally starting to get better, meaning my typing speed is up, as is general squeezing. That means I’ve gotten back to writing blog posts about all sorts of stuff, everything except dolls, because those are for girls! So go ahead, click “blog” at the top and just get into it already.