Farmer’s Almanac: Spring 2015

I wasn’t asked to write this season’s Farmer’s Almanac but I did it anyway in case they scout the blog scene for new talent come winter. 


Farmer’s Almanac

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There should be some warm weather coming soon so don’t plant anything that needs to be cold. I know that if I leave strawberries out too long they get really gross so maybe don’t  plant strawberry trees until Halloween. 

By the way, what’s it like to be so dependent on the weather? Does it blow your mind that normal people use the forecast to plan vacations and make sure their daughter’s soccer game won’t get canceled? I guess it evens out because you guys probably don’t stress as much about social media as we do. Just as we have romantic notions of the carefree farmer chewing corn on his barn’s roof and watching a gentle rain storm slowly pass by, you picture us in front of a computer screen full of news and information, and a chat window connected to wide-eyed Brit who wants to know more about our pancakes.  


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I’m not sure why you need to know this–the sky has been the fuckin same since the universe was invented. If you’re scared that a full moon is going to mess with your parsley then you’re no different than the caveman who thought the moon was his wife.

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Where do farmers go for fashion inspiration? Church and whatever colour a pig’s blood is.

How does a teenage farm boy practice kissing? By licking stamps used on letters begging girls to come visit.

What’s the difference between a farmer and a homeless person? A homeless person begs for change while a farmer wants everything to same the same even though we have greenhouses and the Internet now.

Why did the farmer let the pie cool on his windowsill? Because he doesn’t have air conditioning.

How many farmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to screw it in, another to go on and on about how the sun is better.

A farmer, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest tells the other two, “god bless this nice weather”, the rabbi raises his glass and says “mazel tov” and the farmer goes “that reminds me, I gotta go shovel some cow shit”.


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Gardening is a miniature version of farming so if you’re a farmer and you don’t know how to garden then get the fuck off the field. Telling a farmer how to garden is like telling a firefighter how to light a cigarette.

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The city is a different place these days. If you want to get a haircut in the city you’ll have to go see a guy with tattoos and a beard who mounts skateboards to the wall, and no one knows why. 

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There’s nothing like spring’s first beef dinner and while you’re busy sharpening your killing scythe, it would be a good time for a refresher on proper gutting.

Step 1

Force the cow’s head underwater until it stops mooing.

Step 2

Make a lengthwise incision from the cow’s neck to its tail

Step 3

Drain the cow’s milk, filtering out any bits of horn.

Step 4

Rip out all the stuff in the cow that isn’t beef.

Step 5

Throw out everything that isn’t beef into the duck pond but save the bones and try selling them to a trinket maker.

Step 6

Have dinner with your favourite friends.

Today in TV history – ALF

The original ALF wasn’t a puppet, it was a talking piece of shit that Willie found under Brian’s bed. 

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My Jeopardy

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Welcome to today’s game of Jeopardy. Here is the game board for now.

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Blaine, you have the board

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I’ll take GLENNERATION “X” for $200

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What is Xena: Warrior Princess

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Correct, Xena: The Warrior Princess, starring the lovely Lucy Lawless. We would’ve also accepted X-Files. Dorothy, go ahead.

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GLENN-BUDDHISM, $200

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What is a cross?

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Incorrect. Yes, Brendil.

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What is his Minister’s dog?

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Correct. Brendil, your board

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WHO, WHAT, WHERE, GLENN, WHY, for $600 Alex

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It’s a Video Daily Double. Brendil how much would you like to wager?

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Ten bucks.

Okay, she's playing it safe. Please watch the screen.

Okay, she’s playing it safe. Please watch the screen and we’ll throw it over to Glenn himself.

What is a T-Ball Tournament?

What is a T-Ball Tournament?

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**Glenn wakes up, covered in sweat.**

Thank goodness, it was only a dream. I couldn’t possibly handle the attention I’d receive from having my own version of Jeopardy. I want to get famous on MY terms. I guess dreams ARE good for something.

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

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I’ll take “GLENN IS SATISFIED” for $100!

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I found this letter in University as I was traveling from the library to a protest against cigars. Sounds weird, but don’t forget, it was 2003. This letter is to a musician Cory who’s in a band with a guy named Woody.

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Scan

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Movie Review — Chappie

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Chappie is the new robot movie, made by humans, using robots, for humans, not robots. This is Hugh Jackman’s second major robot movie, the first being 2011’s Real Steel about a different sort of robot altogether.

The robot in Chappie is so cute. Chappie isn’t the name of the robot’s dog or anything, it’s actually the name of the robot, which is groundbreaking because robots usually have names with numbers or computer words in them. Hopefully this won’t deter robot fans from seeing it because they assume it’s about a British boy with a vivid imagination, when it’s really about a robot boy with a vivid imagination. That’s kind of what sets this movie apart from other robot movies because most names of robot movies could be applied to any other robot movie but not Chappie. This movie could’ve been called these other robot titles and it wouldn’t change anything, but if I were called “Larry” instead of “Glenn” I probably wouldn’t dream as big as I do.

Terminator 
Short Circuit
Real Steel
A.I.
RoboCop
The Iron Giant
I, Robot

(If you’re not going to church today, use these j-pegs to trick your dumbest friend or oldest neighbour into believing a new reality)

The rave baby from South Africa’s top selling attention beacons, Die Antwoord, gives Chappie his name in the movie because in the movie she’s kind of his mom. At least that’s what Chappie thinks. Chappie’s mom is technically Dev Patel because he makes Chappie and the rest of the movie’s bots except for the one Hugh Jackman makes. Hugh Jackman’s robot is way bigger than Chappie and isn’t cute at all except that he’s called “Moose”, which was also the name of the shy little cutie in Ernest Goes To Camp.

Film's cutest "Moose"

Film’s cutest “Moose”

Chappie was made by South Africa’s only movie director, Neill Blomkamp. If you liked his other movies you’ll like this one because it combines the crud of District 9 with the tense, last minute computer uploads of Elysium. This is definitely the cutest of this three movies, with all the credit going toward Chappie himself. The two cartoons from Die Antwoord are only cute if you’re an asexual hacker.

If Blomkamp’s next movie is about the gritty underbelly of Johannesburg’s recycling industry it would make sense because Chappie is full of recycled ideas (and robot parts!) from the world of movies and robots. That’s okay though because Chappie is so friendly and his voice was very good thanks to South Africa’s only actor Sharlto Copley, who proves he’s more than just a human in this great piece of sound recording.

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I’d give Chappie a “it’s easier to watch Chappie than to Wikipedia ‘South Africa’s top entertainers’ because they’re all in Chappie” out of 10. This might even be the last robot movie before real robots, which will probably change the way we make robot movies. They probably won’t seem so cute once they’re out there taking our jobs and dating our athletes, eh?

Thanks for watching movies and I’ll see you on the street after you’ve seen a movie so we can talk about it.

Don’t roast me I’m already roasted

I may seem like a cocky, muscle-dicked, big brain who can handle anything thrown my way including all types of sports balls, ringed knuckles belonging to veteran punch givers and the eager lips of the world’s most exotic women, but the truth is I’m a scaredy boy who has never felt comfortable leaving the 50 km radius around mommy and daddy’s.

Living in the comedy world means there’s always the threat that some fellow joker will try goading me into a comedy roast, where an individual is purposely subjected to verbal abuse from his or her peers. No thanks! I’d rather spend an afternoon discussing the cast of Glee with a heavy smoker who is known for unpredictable, strong hugs and who brings celery sandwiches with no sauce to our little date.

In case anyone ever wants to roast me, I’d like to be able to say “Sorry, already been roasted”, which is why I’ve prepped this blog post. Here are some burns I’ve come up with that should eliminate the need for anyone to ever be mean to me, a concept so scary that I’ve written this while cowering in the linen closet.

Glenn has lost so much hair that child protective services is trying to find a foster home for his pubes.

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I’m a big fan of Glenn’s acting, especially when one of his legs played a wand in the first Harry Potter movie.

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Glenn’s wonderful parents are here tonight, which surprised a lot of us because we all assumed he was created after Jay Baruchel fucked a broomstick.

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Surprisingly, the only things that aren’t straight about Glenn are his teeth and the facts surrounding every award he’s ever won.

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I went into the bathroom after Glenn had taken a shit all I could smell was rotten french fries and soy sauce.

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They say it’s impossible for someone to be “too nice” but I once saw Glenn ask a bully out on a date after the bully pissed in his shoes.

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Glenn’s not very good at math but he can tell you that his toenails are longer than the circumference of his wrist.

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Glenn is so dumb that when a girl asks if he wants head he says “Yes please, my head is tiny”.

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Glenn is so impatient that diarrhea thrills him.

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If Glenn put as much effort into school as he has researching how to properly wipe his butt, he might not live above a restaurant and own a bike his father-in-law found in the trash.

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Glenn’s stubble is like a pile of manure – it looks like dirt and it smells like shit.

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Glenn is like skim milk – white, fat free and if you blow him bubbles start coming out of his mouth

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New song for Tuesdays only

This song popped into my head while I was trimmin’ some snow peas for dinner so I jammed over to my ‘puter and just pissed it out.

New video

In a test to determine whether cameras steal the soul of the subject being photographed, I made this video in my bedroom. So far, my soul feels intact although the other day I cut my hand and the blood was blue. Is that strange or am I simply eating too many Gushers?

Alt Prayer Positions

Anyone born in Ontario before the year 198F is no doubt familiar with this image, which every family was required to have taped to their oven door until the youngest child turned 16.

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Thanks to new legislation and a more relaxed attitude toward communication with the big guy, Ontarians are free to experiment with prayer position, which has lead to some pretty interesting stuff that the press refuses to cover. Here’s a very brief look at some popular, nouveau positions that I encountered while traveling from Ottawa to Pelee Point, gathering info for my book on wild thorns.

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Jazz from Cornwall shows off “The Funky Stomp” while asking God for the strength to tell his parents that he wants them to kiss him more often.

Beeny

Here’s Beeny from Grimsby demonstrating “The Judean Flute” form, which really worked out for him after asking God for less bubbles in his evening milk. Beeny begins and ends each prayer by producing a sound similar to a sarcastic catcall.

Paulina

Paulina invented this position so that she’d be able to pray AND describe her height while talking to her crush, Lonnie, at a party. She asked God for Lonnie’s attention and later that night he licked her stomach for an hour straight.

Ermy

Ermy told me he was inspired by the idea of a cyclops wearing an antenna when he came up with this position. He said he generally prays to generate goosebumps which he then photographs for his rather lame website, “A Year of Tingles”.

Donk

Donk almost got kicked out of his church after this smooth move caught on like wildfire among the youth group. He named the position “Mustang Sally” after his favourite hamburger at Lettuce Boys Diner. The burger has salsa instead of ketchup.

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Froggy from Kenora shows off an early version of the “Diaper Dance”, which he used before Christmas to ask God for a toy that will make his sister stop throwing her underpants at him while he’s trying to take a bath.


Attn. Frommer’s Travel Book – I went on vacation, please publish

I’m not sure how to get published on a travel blog because I’m not a travel writer so I’m putting this here in case any of you are in the biz. Please pay me if you post to your site. Thankx!!! :)


I had the pleasure of visiting the shores of the Mexico Ocean on a recent all-inclusive vacation for a week of sun, sand, fries and Mexico. Everything on this vacation was smooth including our ***bikini lines***, so the stress I felt trying to make custom hand-drawn plaid flags for my family on Christmas melted away like guacamole under a hairdryer. Don’t try making your own plaids if you don’t own a ruler.

The flight was a straight up and downer, no clouds, no problems, no one catching me spitting in the seat-back pocket. After we landed in the warm area we were ushered to a beautiful bus full of eager travellers who were ready for the brown food and pink drinks of the tropics. It was on this bus that I took my first vacation photo:

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At first I thought this was a poster for the Ontario leg of Metallica’s famous “Sanitarium” tour ’86, but it’s a spanish toilet

I was expecting the resort to be full of pools and clean concrete and my expectations were met. The resort’s staff was eager to serve us and all of them had black hair which is pretty cool for a rocker like me. I couldn’t believe how clean everything was until I realized it was clean because the staff is forced to clean it. Not a bad little job for neat freak if you ask me.

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These girls got mad at me for taking their picture and got even madder when I brought out my binoculars lol

As good as I am at entertaining myself by coming up with little poems inspired by insects I encounter, I still wanted to let the resort’s in-house entertainment give my creative mind a rest. Their thoroughly entertaining nightly shows make Hollywood movies look like Canadian dentist appointments. Speaking of our home and greatest land…

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I missed her so much and then there she was, standing proud onstage alongside Jesus and The Alamo, right where she belongs

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Not only was our Michael Jackson impersonator a very good spinner, but also a social media whiz

While my friends were off getting tattooed by a local whose main business is selling corn art to tourists who get lost in her avocado grove, I was busy planning a practical joke of my own while waiting in the buffet hall:

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I’ll never tell you my secret! (pssst definitely NOT a real tattoo)

We didn’t want our time in Mexico to be limited to the resort as we knew there was more, dirtier Mexico beyond the walls. We paid some extra gold and jumped on another bus to hit some prime spots that demonstrate why Mexico is one of the world’s most famous countries.

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I uttered 12 “bloody chupacabras” into a mirror inside this Mexican church and the next day a lizard nibbled my flip flip. Hashtag, “LessonLearned”???

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I forced my sweetie to smile on the hallowed grounds of Chichen Itza (some sort of Mayan rec centre) and we didn’t even get yelled at.

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It felt strange standing here knowing that the Mayans pooed all over this grass. Our tour guide told us not to eat any of the dirt but I nipped on some anyway.

I would TOTALLY recommend a vacation to anyone who needs to leave their house because they’re bored of it. Mexico has got enough heat and enough paved roads to make for an A+ vacation country. The best part is that they told us the tap water is undrinkable so I was able to keep a small vile on-hand at all times in case I got kidnapped and had to kill myself before they tortured me.

Safe Travels,

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