10 Reasons School Stinks

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HERE’S ANOTHER BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL THAT I POSTED ON A DIFFERENT WEBSITE. SCHOOL STINKS.

What is it like in today’s schools?

Next week kids of all heights and weights will go back to school to learn about things we adults don’t care about. But today’s schools are vastly different than the ones we used to dream about sex in, and the kids have changed too. Back in my day we’d jump to class and instead of computers we had smart kids chained to the back wall.  What else is different? Let’s find out:

Did kids still get in trouble for chewing gum?

The roots of chewing gum in class go way back to the origins of gum itself.

Aristocrats loved getting seated beside the windows of posh restaurants to show the hungry poor how well-fed they were. It got so popular that the wealthy yearned for a more portable way to display their ability to eat food any time they wanted. Chewing gum was designed as a way for the rich to appear to be eating while on the go and it caught on quickly, but thanks to gum’s low prices, fake eating became a trend that everyone could enjoy. It was especially prevalent in schools and soon every child was chewing, causing teachers to burn school lunches and eventually the banishment of gum once they figured out what was happening.

Even after gum went from being a tool for pretend eating to a pleasurable mouth exercise, schools continued to enforce the century-old rule. Surprisingly, gum is quite popular in today’s schools but rather than chew with their mouths, students chew with their noses for easy concealment and fresher snorts for when they sniff fuck after school. Sniff fucking has essentially replaced the more pedestrian blow job and will likely inspire the next generation of pornography.

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What happened to Coles/Cliffs Notes?

We’ve all ‘cheated’ on a test, book report or salad contest by using abridged versions of course material called Coles Notes here in Canada and Cliffs notes in the United Stains. You’d be naive to think that modern children don’t use shortcuts to get their homework done, they just do so in a different way.

In modern schools students are surrounded by technological devices, providing ample nooks and crannies in which to hide tiny scrolls called “wee cheaties”. Teachers have a very hard time controlling the flow of wee cheaties within school walls because of the sheer number of them.

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What about bullies?

Today’s culture doesn’t reward bullies like our generation did but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist–at least in the physical world. During the school day all identified bullies are strapped into rigs that take them into a massive simulation where their avatars are free to roam. They are able to live their fantasies of killing teachers and pissing on nerds so that by the end of the day they can return to a normal home life.

Do they still have to ask before going to the bathroom?

Everyone remembers the embarrassment of having to ask a teacher to use to the bathroom. Today’s schools have replaced bathrooms with “Creative Co-Habitats”, which are essentially white-walled rooms filled with bean bag chairs and Plasticine. Students are free to enter the habitat whenever they please and are encouraged to explore their bowel movements and innovate new ways to dispose of human waste while collaborating with their peers.

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Do teachers still get apples from students?

No, they get frozen honey instead.

What happened to blackboards?

Blackboards gave way to whiteboards which have been replaced by advanced LED displays linked to an intricate network of schools around the globe. The display aggregates lessons worldwide ensuring that the pepperoni dancer’s son in Italy is getting the same education as the blacksmith’s bastard daughter in Tokyo.

This way, every idiot of the future will be very easy to control and manipulate because we’ll know exactly what’s in those shriveled little fuckin’ peanut brains of theirs. Today’s random assortment of morons is very difficult to control because we cannot predict their actions, which has led to crime, teenage pregnancies, Amy Adams movies and the Washington Redskins.

New video — Toronto_GameBoy return$

This is the follow-up video to this baby, which introduced comedy fans to a new and innovative character who’s into toys. Get crazy and watch in public for everyone to enjoy.

New York Yankees diss track

Glenn’s back with a follow-up to his hit song, “Toronto Blue Jays (team and birds)”

Here’s a fat track that’s bound to discourage New York’s Yankees from winning the American League East while stopping Yankees in New York from being confident in their team.

Hat Man V. Rat Man (1987)

After my old hockey coach died while immersed in virtual reality, he left each of his favourite players something in his will. I received the rights to the story of Hat Man V. Rat Man, which he had purchased in 1989 at an auction famous for selling the original recipe for Duct Tape.

With the rights set to expire on Halloween of this October, I decided I’d better do something with the story and since my screenplay hasn’t been laminated yet I can’t legally produce a film. Here’s a brief telling of the tale that will hopefully go viral enough for me to make t-shirts.

Hat Man V. Rat Man 

The graffiti wars of the 1980s were well-documented but specifics are scant due to the artists’ unwritten rule that “Players aren’t Sprayers (we are sprayers in that we spray paint but we don’t talk about spraying (paint))”. Upon further research we learned that the rules were in fact written on the side of a low wall in Central Park:

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These famous lines were painted by a Bronx-born,  sewer-educated street artist named Lance “Hat Man” Thipthin. In 1987 it’d be hard to find a wall without his signature tag splotched on it like Peter Criss’ autograph on the thick thigh of a Kentucky housewife:

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For about a year, Hat Man was New York’s reigning king of spray paint spray painting until one unusually lukewarm July lunch hour when he spotted a tag near one of his own:

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Some say Kavid “Rat Man” Hice gained his artistic wizardry after being bitten by a radioactive Chinese man who bred Gremlins in the back of his junk store.  In reality, the Newark-native learned his trade while visiting Manhattan on weekends to visit a friendly police dog famous for sniffing out true talent and people who love to stab things.

As he walked the streets he took in the art that had exploded all over the big city streets. He would practice back home in Jersey using nothing more than a can of whipped cream and a piece of cardboard that his father ate because he thought it was a cake. Eventually, Rat Man brought his New Jersey street style to the New York streets whose street style was the style of the street, and the Rat was loose.

The pair actually painted the same walls for several years but never noticed each other’s tags due to each man’s stubbornness when it came to perspective.

“I only painted vertical walls and I never looked up because around here, on my streets, looking up leaves you open to someone pulling down your fly and filling it with with chocolate eggs. You get Easter’d in my neighbourhood you never get respected again,” said Hat Man in a rare interview.

Rat Man had a very different attitude:

“I decided to paint up high because in New Jersey you gotta keep your eyes to the skies unless you want them seagulls gaining a strategic advantage over you,” explained Rat Man in a New Jersey tourism guide from 1991.

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Another problem was how similar some of their tags looked while in close proximity to each other. Outsiders who weren’t from the Bronx OR New Jersey and who weren’t afraid to enjoy a full view of the world were confused by the apparent redundancy in the pair’s work.

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Once Hat Man saw what was going on that fateful July day, he knew he had to take action.

“I saw his shit when I accidentally looked up to check out a cloud that some guy said looked like a laundry machine. I was shocked and looked up at some more of my famous spots to find RAT MAN all over my territory. I switched my name to ‘Rat Man’ to show him what was up but he saw mine and did the same thing so for a couple weeks ‘Hat Man’ was ‘Rat Man’ and ‘Rat Man’ was ‘Hat Man’, which really pissed off Cat Man who got that man (Hat Man, formerly Rat Man) and me together for a truce,” Hat Man mentioned in a foreword to a cookbook penned by Cat Man, a respected graffiti elder in NYC.

The trio met in an alleyway where Cat Man had set up a complex system of mirrors so that both men could look each other in the eye without having to adjust their preferred perspective. There was some confusion over nods and head-shakes but eventually the two masterminds realized they were cousins and had played together as children.*

*In my script they try to kill each other then you learn that the narrator of the story is their mutual uncle named Fat Man, but it got too confusing.

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Only known picture of Hat Man and Rat Man together

And that’s the story of one of the great rivalries in graffiti history, which might be more well-known were it not for the story of CHUBBSTER V. NIMBST!, a tale that was loosely adapted into Jingle All The Way starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad as two feuding fathers.

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Oh wait, sorry, my hockey coach is alive and well. Turns out we were both in the VR chamber and this whole story rights will thing was part of a new simulation. Phew. Too scary for me though, I think I’ll go back to an old favourite.

COMPUTER, please load c//steel_dreams.exe

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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Utopia To Me

I had the honour of being on my pal Chris Locke‘s excellent podcast, Utopia To Me! Listen as Chris and I build my ideal world run by a wise older brother and full of vehicles and Clearly Canadian drinks. Grab it on iTunes or Stitcher if you know how to use those things.

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How to pack light

Traveling can be a stressful experience, especially for those of us who are scared of everything. A smart traveler should eliminate as many controllable stresses as possible to leave their brain open to handle the unexpected, like having to sit beside a guy covered in moss.

In my experience, packing is one such stress that is easily combated. Here are three tried and true travel tips for travel trips that’ll nip stress in the hip.

Tip 1: Denim Blend

Everybody loves denim because it looks good, tastes good and is good. Unfortunately it’s the heaviest fabric in North America so packing a couple pairs of your favourite blues can lead to a lame load. Here’s a simple way to take your jeans with you without all the heavy lifting:

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Step 1: Add your denim to a blender or food processor with a splash of coconut milk and a pinch of cardamom. Place in resealable bottle or container.

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Step 2: Before hitting airport security, drink your jeans and enjoy the tropical, aromatic flavour.

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Step 3: Upon arrival at your destination, visit a kitchen supply store and purchase a simple pants mould.

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Step 4: Regurgitate and/or defecate your jeans mixture at earliest opportunity and pour contents into the mold

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Step 5: Bake mould at 350 degrees for one hour or until jeans are golden blue.

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Step 6: Remove from mould and try them on!

Tip 2: Towel Roll

You’re not always going to stay at a proper hotel when traveling so sometimes you’ll have to pack your own towels. Hear’s a surefire method to keep your towel load light and lovable:

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Step 1: Roll your towels as tightly as possible.

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Step 2: Prior to leaving for the airport, bus hut or train barn, smoke your towels right down to the nub.

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Step 3: Upon arrival, seek the local shaman and request a smokening. The standard rate for such a ceremony is usually around seven euro. The shaman will extract the spirit of your towels from your lungs and force it to orbit around you until needed.

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Step 4: Shower, swim, dip, soak, sweat–go ahead, live the wet life. Once sopping, the spirit of your towel should dry your body so long as the shaman successfully bound it to your essence.

Tip 3: Diapers

Author Douglas Adams famously declared the aforementioned towel as the most important travel accessory in his masterwork, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. While I don’t disagree on the merits of a towel, the fact remains that they are a nuisance to pack. If you’re only going to pack one item on your next vacation, choose diapers instead.

Diapers can act as a bathing suit, underpants, a towel, a beach hat, a weapon against local crooks provided you fill it with poo first, knee pads, a bandage, shoes, socks, a rat trap and a reasonable canvas for autographs in case you run into any celebs during your trip.

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An insightful traveler tries his hand at winemaking in the Bordeaux region of France.

Got any travel tips? Let me know in the comments and maybe I’ll steal your user name for use on my next child!

Kitchen dawgs on their bitchin’ hogs

Being a professional chef means standing inside a poorly vented, glorified bathroom for hours while surrounded by raw animal flesh and vegetables prettier than your own mother. They give their lives for their art so when it’s time to punch out they like to let loose by putting a motor between their legs and cranking the throttle up to 475º. Here’s a look at some gastro-gearheads who fry by night and fly by day:

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“The Caked Crusader”, Duff Goldman, shows off his red rocket that’s as sweet as butter cream over a bundt. If the road were a cake, his rubber burner would be his pastry bag, piping black streaks over Baltimore with a deft touch.

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Drop a dollop of Rocco DiSpirito on top of his silver bullet like you would ricotta on toast and you’ve got a meal that’s simply irresistible. Rocco’s Italian-America cuisine is ideal for the hungry while the image of him on his hog is great for the horny. 

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Cooking’s resident bad boy, Tony Bourdain, takes time out of his schedule of traveling around the world for a buzz on a two-wheeled wasp. Get in his way and you’ll see why food ‘tude is far more dangerous than road rage.

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It’s rare to see this Bad Brained Brit with a smile on his eater so he must really dig a highway cruise on top of his black ball blaster. Put a helmet on, Gordon, you’ll need that brain to keep turning out tasty, modern classics.

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Building a culinary empire ain’t like pedalling mom’s rusted Raleigh to the corner shop for sweets. Between raising a family and earning kegs of quid with his shows, books and restaurants, Jamie unwinds by charging into the breeze on this pukka pedestrian plower.

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Chef Lynn Crawford could roast a whole goose with heat she generates while straddled on her big black Darth Dagger. She’s got squid ink in her veins and gas in her eyes so keep your horn covered while she’s on the road because you’ll be honkin’ out of respect.

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Tyler Florence is an inviting dish that’s salty, bitter, sweet, sour and speedy–sounds like a stir-fry to me. When he squeezes the clutch with those milky paws he treats it like winter’s first grapefruits, juiced into a refreshing custom cocktail that screams refreshment.

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Like Marvel Comics’ Ghost Rider, Alton Brown’s head catches fire when he straddles his Highway Hell Hammer, only it’s a figurative blaze of culinary ideas.

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He’d ride an Italian stallion if he could but oats are expensive and a horse’s roar is nothing compared to that of a properly tuned engine. Mario Batali prefers the stink of gas and engine oil to sea bass olive oil when flying up and down New York City streets. 

Canada’s sexiest provinces/territories

Click this text for a Glenn-made canada day special on another website

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Easy poetry

Poetry is the easiest art form to master so if you’re looking to impress a girl, eulogize a Scottish guy or find a creative way to list your volunteer experience on a resume, use poetry. For years I’ve been one of the top poets in Ontario and it’s not because I see the beauty in boring things like lawns. Here are some tips to turn you into me:

Rhyme a sentence

Most poetry is goddamn nonsense but since it’s considered “art”, you can write anything and someone out there will think it’s profound. To make an easy abstract poem, write down any common sentence and then rhyme it to form something new.

Sample sentence:
All you gotta do is find at least two words that sound like each other.

Now rhyme it with any words you want to form a beautiful, abstract poem:
Ball stew rot of poo
piss grint rat beast
poo curds fat
drowned bike beach mother

Make a haiku

It’s so dumb that haikus are considered poems because they’re so easy to do as long as you know what syllables are. Syllables are like, the number of things that sound like… one thing in a word or sentence… um, they’re like drum beats but… what am I, a dictionary?

To make a haiku write one sentence that’s 5 syllables, another that’s 7 and then another that’s 5. I can make a haiku out of the bullshit I just wrote:

Syllables are like
The number of things that sound…
um, they’re like drum beats

make up whatever you want but don’t smile when someone reads it in front of you

Part of being a poet is knowing when to frown. Here’s something I made up that doesn’t have anything to do with my emotions:

The sound of winter
The taste of fall
The onion in the
Waterfall

Take this poem to your teacher and read it with a frown and you’ll get an A-, guaranteed. Crack a smile and it’s detention time where you’ll probably be forced to write a real poem about how rude you’ve been.

Place around with space

Every poet wishes they could draw but since they can’t they treat their poem paper like a canvas, splashing words here and there to make it look cool. You can’t put sunglasses on a steak and make it look like a cow but apparently you can wiggle words and make a poem a hit. Let’s take this poem I came up with just now:

Trees shake from top to tail
They’re Used to it.
Wind Moves Trees
It’s Used To IT.
Water?
Still.

Pretty boring. Watch what happens once we shift things around:

Trees shake from top to tail
                                            They’re Used to it.
                                                                    Wind Moves Trees
                                                                                           It’s Used To IT.
Water?
Still.

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