What’s the right vitamin for you?

Nobody knows where vitamins are or where they came from but we need them to play soccer, that’s for sure.

It’s pretty cool that each vitamin does something different but it’s insane that we still haven’t figured out the perfect mix that will enable us to jump higher, swim deeper and fuck each other weirder.

Experimenting with vitamin mixes can be a risky business–just ask John Merrick–but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore the advantages of a vitamin-forward lifestyle. I was itchin’ to find out how vitamins could positively effect my well-being so I spent my mom’s entire 60th birthday analyzing and researching every vitamin ever discovered. For the first time since my last Hat Club meeting, I’d like to share my findings to help you fold them into your daily intakes.

Vitamin B12


  • More of a dessert vitamin
  • Looks great on a kitchen shelf next to the jams and jellies
  • Been on the cover of SWALLOW Magazine a record 9 times
  • Won’t cure lice

Vitamin D


  • Passé but highly respected within the gambling community
  • Best stored deep in the pocket of an old man’s corduroy pants among used tissues and pennies
  • Pairs nicely with a glass of black wine
  • Not a great solution for head lice

Vitamin C


  • Smells like a sour dentist’s office
  • Found naturally in pinecones and magazine spines
  • Headlined both Vitamania ’86 and The Great Ontario Pill Grill
  • Ineffective against lice

Vitamin A


  • Great for your eyes, bad for a Christmas present
  • Is the title pill in the famous “take a chill pill” retort
  • Roughly equal to three spires of spice in most Baltic bazaars
  • Doesn’t have any effect on a human head infected with lice

Bobby Flay might be getting his own video game

The folks over at Konami have approached my management regarding a pitch for a new video game starring my favourite celebrity chef: New York’s own red rascal, Bobby Flay.

I’m currently terrified/excited at the prospect of finally adding a robust digital property to Flay’s already stacked portfolio. It’s a long road to production and nothing has been written in stone but I can’t help dreaming about popping champagne and snacking on Flay-inspired southwest favourites at the launch party.

I’m to pitch my idea next week in Orlando where Bobby is set to debut a new line of bowls inspired by the Navajo of Arizona, with proceeds going toward a stew school for overprivileged orphans . Though they haven’t confirmed that Bobby himself will be at the pitch, I’m very confident he will be, which will make it very difficult to keep my cool. I already have two very exciting ideas to choose from but I’d like some feedback from you guys if you have the time.

Idea #1

8-Bit Throwback – Bobby’s Southwest Mess


Imagine a retro side-scrolling adventure where you control Bobby Flay as he runs, jumps and kicks his way through 10 exciting levels to reach a BBQ Blast in Albuquerque where he’s to serve as the “Meatster of Searemonies”.

Along the way Bobby will be forced to battle unseasoned cuts of meat, and insane bosses like RAGIN’ CAGED-RAISED CHICKEN and SODIUM-LADEN SOUP CAN. But he can ‘t move on unless he turns every ear of yellow corn in the level into blue tortillas simply by kicking them.

– Too similar to Wolfgang Puck in Waffle World?
– Would work on mobile platforms but might cheapen the brand.
– Difficult to tell a fully-formed story using such a simple engine.

Idea #2

Sandbox game for next-gen consoles – Bobby Flay in The Cumin Chronicles, Chapter 1


Bobby awakes from a vivid dream to find himself naked and alone in the kitchen of Mesa Grill in Manhattan–didn’t it close in 2013? The mystery begins. You control Bobby and search the deserted restaurant to fill up your inventory and find clues. You spot a  lone boneless pork roast in the corner of the walk-in; equip the roast and begin an incredible journey of intrigue and self-discovery set in the cutthroat world of restaurateurs. Explore exotic kitchens and organic farms, collecting seasonings and tonics as you go, making sure your meat is kept moist to maintain XP. Slowly you’ll unravel the mystery of your current predicament and discover dark secrets that will change the way you sauté forever… 

I had my art director, Rolph, throw together some concept art:


Disguise your Bobby avatar as he enters the culinary underworld in search of answers.


Collect enough items and work your way through several quests to finally get your Bobby back on his feet and dating again.

– Would require licensing from KitchenAid or other major player for added realism. Too expensive?
– Would likely garner an ESRB rating of “M” (Content is generally suitable for ages 17 and up) to account for necessary nudity and side quest concerning Bobby’s messy divorce. Might alienate Bobby’s younger fans.
– Intricate plot and cinematic scope could potentially interfere with future Flay film projects–have Rico check with Bobby’s people

What do you think? I feel I’m on the right track but will definitely need to fill in some of the details in case they “grill” me at the pitch. Wish me luck!

Weird Noise Video

Halloween is almost here I think, which reminded me of this spooky thing that happened to me last year:

Overheard – Rogers Centre Bathroom


Strike three, I’m back!

My fans will be thrilled to know that I was in the house LIVE for last night’s historic fifth game of the ALDS wherein the Blue Jays erased years of Toronto sports futility with a breathtaking victory against the “Breakfast” Rangers. I say “breakfast” because it sounds like “Texas”.

Like most blue-brained ball boys, I tend to continually drink liquid during a game, which either results in a pair of pissed pants or frequent trips to one of Rogers Centre’s three bathrooms. These fabled stables have been in the news lately so in my continuing effort to go viral I activated the microphone I always have taped to my penis to capture spirited toilet talk from Toronto’s main men.

Check out these choice quotes from last night that will echo through history, reminding us of the magic that was GAME 5!

“Does anyone have a condom? I’ve never seen one before”

“I’m currently pissing a no shitter ahahaha”

“Girls have innings, guys have outings, go Jays!”

“My man, is that a microphone on your wiener?”


“Buddy, I got runnies on first and turd–diarrhea I mean”

“Dude, my sister would LOVE this room”

“Check it out, I put my dick inside out–rally dick! Everybody join it! What do you mean how’d I do it?”

“Can anyone give me a lift to Mississauga after this? To prove I’m not crazy you can try some of my pee”

“If anyone here works for the team, tell Russell Martin that my girlfriend has his eyes tattooed on the back of her neck”


“Every piss is practice for your next piss in preparation for the big piss”

“Is there an electrical outlet in that stall? I smuggled in a Foreman grill and this salmon in my shorts isn’t getting any fresher”

“Did you know that if you put an ice cube under a hand dryer it turns into a cloud?”

“Whoa cool this toilet paper has a GO Train schedule scribbled on it”

“Is that black spaghetti on your penis or are you wearing a microphone?”


“Sorry bud, I’m gonna be awhile. Trying to kill some time because I’m sitting next to an annoying doctor who keeps telling me this dark purple zit ain’t a zit”

“Are there any cops in here? Legally you have to admit it. Okay cool, this toad is going in the toilet, no one squeal”

“Yo that chick selling beer out there has some hot fuckin’ ears”

“I forgot how boring baseball is. Wanna go to Jack Astor’s after this?”

“I want to throw my poo at the umps but all the staples in it might make it dangerous”


Anti-Stephen Harper song

I booked some studio time and contacted Canada’s top musical talent to record a thought-provoking track against Stephen Harper, but before I knew it a million other bands beat me to the punch.

To save some money I cancelled the booking, fired the band and quickly threw something together on my iPad that accomplishes exactly what I set out to accomplish. It’s a bit rushed but try to enjoy and please don’t forget to vote in Canada when it’s time.


City Toads (1990)


8 Things To Do On The First Day Of Fall


Follow this link to experience what is promised in this post’s headline

Facebook buttons of the future


Here’s a post I did for work that’s not as abrasive as what I’d post here. Click anywhere to get. 

My wedding vows

Three years ago I married a woman for the first time and since then we’ve shared our lives and toilet in wedded bliss.

Our wedding day is a blur of presents and money but if there’s one thing I do remember, it’s the vows I spoke directly into the eyes of my beautiful wife. In honour of our anniversary I’d like to share these vows with you with the hope that they inspire you to go out there and somehow find a single soulmate in a world of 7 billion people.

Love, Glenn


Hey baby baby, if I choke, save me
If I drown it’s my fault because only clowns drown
So lower me down into the ground in a race car casket
Complete with engine, oil and gaskets
I’ll want to race to the afterlife
To have sex with ghosts and wait for you, wife
It won’t be heaven without you or Kevin
Which Kevin is the Kevin I’d like to meet in Heaven?
Spacey, Hart even Smith would do
As long as they’re there with me, clouds and you
And if there’s no Heaven that’s alright as well
Being anywhere without you is like living in Hell
Speaking of Hell, it’s likely not bad
Maybe too hot and a little bit sad
But I’d rather suffer with you than party alone
So let’s make this quick and hit the bone zone

Daring actors of Hollywood

Lights, camera and action! TIFF is back for another year of critically acclaimed films, hot parties and loads of totally radical folks from the PR industry who truly believe they rule.

Unfortunately for all you film buffs, glennmacaulay.com was denied press accreditation again this year because we’re well-known for our HONESTY when it comes to movie reviews. Worry not because that won’t stop us from delivery premium content related to Toronto’s biggest annual event and to start things off we’ve got a little history lesson inspired a daring choice made by a modern actor.

During a Q ‘n A for this new movie, The Program, actor Ben Foster-Wright-Penn revealed he took real drugs to help him act like disgraced biker Lance Armstrong. This isn’t the first time a real deal actor has taken a big risk for the sake of cinema. Here are some other memorable ones:


To prep for his role as the uncle of Clifford (1994), a trouble-making little boy played by law-abiding adult Martin Short, Charles Grodin legally adopted a 48-year old named Nico and raised him as his own.


Laura Dern spent six months in a sad, sexless relationship with a British workaholic named Spencer prior to filming Jurassic Park (1993) with co-star Sam Neill.


Before puppeteering Jedi Master Yoda in 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back, Frank Oz trained by growing a creature on his hand. Right before shooting began the creature was surgically removed and eventually starred in Ghoulies (1984)


Sly Stallone spent two weeks wooing, dating, marrying, then divorcing a quiet nerd with major babe potential before shooting on Rocky (1976) began.


Keanu Reeves signed up for his first email account a mere four days before principal photography began on The Matrix (1999).


Ernie Hudson spent four months living with a spooky white family before Ghostbusters (1983).


Neve Campbell spent a week in the special needs kindergarten class of an L.A.-area elementary school to prepare for her scenes with Matthew Lillard in the horror classic Scream (1996).