Tea vs. coffee vs. Colin Hanks

Tea

tea-cup_1798148b

Probably tea

Colour: Yellow Brown
Ideal Temperature: Hot in the winter, ice cold in the summer, lukewarm for prank on grandpa’s birthday
Country of Origin: Anywhere with leaves
Caffeine: Let me check
Mix it with: Milk, honey, lemon, sugar, Marmite
Best Enjoyed: While reading a good book or after sex with a brainiac

Coffee

cup-of-black-coffee1

Bowl of coffee

Colour: Black Brown
Ideal Temperature: Hot
Country of Origin: I don’t know
Caffeine: Not enough according to today’s busy parents
Mix it with: Cream, sugar, milk, cinnamon, donut, dirt to make stage mud
Best Enjoyed: Before an A.M. funeral

Colin Hanks

colinhanks02

Colin Hanks

Colour: Beige with brown fibres
Ideal Temperature: Reasonably warm
Country of Origin: United States
Caffeine: Most mornings except Tuesdays when Samantha takes the kids to school and Colin gets to sleep in. On these days he rises around 10:30am PST, sends Samantha a “good morning” text and checks the Internet for news and any social media mentions. He used to subscribe to the L.A. Times but delivery was spotty and what’s the point anyway? He’ll grab an couple of oranges from the tree out back and make a juice with the oranges, some carrot, ginger root, spinach and pineapple. When he drinks it down he thinks to himself, “for body, mind and soul”. He cracks a smile, washes the glass and calls his agent.
Mix it with: Comedy or drama, he can do both.
Best Enjoyed: On the big or small screen

Which do you prefer?

A tour of my new club – “The G Hive”

When my cousin Mutt died I figured he’d leave me his recipe for egg blasters but instead he gave me a million dollars! Since Mutt loved dancing, the indoors and free toilet paper, I thought it fitting to invest the money into a new nightclub that I’m calling “The G-Hive” based on the first letter of my first name and the things that bees make.

ghive-logo4-e1367189779287

I was going to call it “The Mac Shack” based on the first syllable of my last name and the type of dwelling that blues musicians are born in, but McDonalds already owns the copyright. Apparently they have plans for a new restaurant concept that only serves mustard buns, aimed at budget-conscious consumers.

Would you care for a tour? Please take off your socks but leave your shoes on– instead of stamping hands we smear a bit of clover honey on your ankle.

hudsons-design-amsterdam-violin-man.jpg-large

Welcome to the foyer! We constructed the entire facility on top of a lost underground city that local shamans call Zenembria. I’ve got some guys coming in this afternoon to take care of “Sad Felix”, the name we’ve given to this statue which is the only remnant of the once thriving kingdom; well, that and Princess Hyla whom we hired to tend bar/live in the Blue Vapour Room. She has a TINY butt!

sic-clean-roomjpg-da3d02554af29be1

Here’s the kitchen where Chef Pierre and Lucy are prepping the menu, which will be very modern. Stick around after the tour and you’ll be able to try some of our signature dishes including a very tasty argon-grilled chicken with a tangy hydrogen gastrique.

Legend has it that King Arthur created the round table because he was sick of the point jabbing in his gut every time he’d sit at the head of his triangular table. It’s this innovative thinking that inspired me to install our main bar in a pit under the viewing platform. Here’s Mickey Jean, our head of security showing you the way down. Wear glasses if you got ‘em, there’s still quite a few worms in the shaft.

article-2195207-14BBCD10000005DC-632_634x448

guacara-taina-cavern-bar-560x295
And here we are in the main bar area. Bit of a snooze right now but once everything is fully installed it’ll look more like an authentic, aboveground Irish Pub with a dance floor made out of old cutting boards. Okay, let’s head back up.

We all know that conflicts occur at nightclubs which is why we installed this Slam Room for any troublemakers looking to release some tension. I’m not sure who these boys are but at least they’re fighting here and not in grandma’s billiard room. 

PA180521

And here is the rest of our staff, trying out their costumes for our opening night party we’re calling BANANA BASH.

The-group-of-spooky-undead-scary-winners-for-the-costume-competition-take-to-the-stage.-Small-650x433

If you want to come, simply bring the following flyer and some jelly beans for our ferret and we’ll get you in no problem. Thanks for stopping by and pick up your wallets on the way out. Sorry, we nicked them all when you were checking out the pit to make sure none of you are cops–our viper tub isn’t exactly street legal at the moment.

flyer_vector_52 copy

You Won’t Believe What the Dude from the Countdown to Extinction Album Cover Looks Like Today!

 

Can you believe it’s been 22 years since Megadeth released the now classic heavy metal album, Countdown to Extinction?

81FHrSbtPFL._SL1300_

Those of you wondering, “what ever happened to the withered prisoner and what does he look like today?” are in luck because he recently turned up at a fundraiser in Hollywood looking AMAZING!

Bruce+Dern+Arrivals+NYFF+Premieres+Part+2+gBBV3szA73rl

Real life superheroes

Superheroes are more popular than ever because we’ve finally realized that normal people can’t do shit about anything. As far as we know, the superheroes of our comic books don’t exist but that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who have special abilities that make life better. Here are some real life superheroes that are making a difference:

nine-1

The parents who bathe their infant in milk, just in case

The blind dog who can’t stop sniffin’ vinegar

Olive&UncleTim

Uncle Tim… NOT.

These motherfuckers

These motherfuckers

garbage-man-620x413

The garbage man who says “THIS is why I never want kids” whenever he comes across a bag of used diapers, though his colleagues know he can’t gave kids because of a tick that burrowed into his sack when he was 12. 

Chicks with attitude

The guy who claims he's a nudist even though he wears a jockstrap when he drives

The guy who claims he’s a nudist even though he wears a jockstrap when he drives

That little fuckin’ smear who lives next door

Simone “Bart” Simpson

Old Scott down at Chubby’s

The radio DJ who wears a bib for several different reasons

The radio DJ who wears a bib because his wife was sick of washing the spit off the front of his shirts

The cod fisherman who has always wanted to try on a pair of Air Jordans

neuse_farmer copy

The organic farmer who can’t remember where the Beavis doll that’s tied to the grill of his tractor came from

The old lady who refuses to swear unless her son dies

Photo-Jun-21-3-47-20-PM

The Mayor of Chillsville

Ontario's Shed Heads

All of Ontario’s Shed Heads

Movie review — Nightcrawler

Exclusive - Jake Gyllenhaal Films Scenes For 'Nightcrawler'

Time and nutrients have chiseled Jake Gyllenhaal–once considered America’s widest-eyed baby boy–into the man you will see in November’s Nightcrawler, now in theatres.

The new, gaunt Jake slightly resembles a golden age Rick Campanelli who like the film’s nightcrawler, changed the way we watch TV.

temp

If I keep going on about looks they’ll write a scathing feature about me on slate.com  so let’s chill and walk, not crawl all over Nightcrawler.

Jake plays the main crawler but there’s a few others in the movie too. The crawlers are guys in LA who aren’t scared of blood and who go around and film accidents and fires to sell to news TV. I thought news TV made their own videos but I got no problem learning new things as long as it doesn’t make me look like a stupid idiot, I mean I’m 32 for Christ’s sake.

The main cralwer starts his own crawling business and quickly rises through the ranks because he’s fucked and doesn’t care about anyone but himself and he really doesn’t mind blood at all. He’s like one of those guys in high school who I’d talk to because I felt bad for him but then after you talk to him you’re like “oh fuck him” and you’re relieved that can officially say you hate him because you’ve done your due diligence and didn’t rely on the opinion of others.

I thought we were going to see Rene Russo nude for the first time since 1999’s The Thomas Crown Affair, but nude sex between Jake and Rene was only implied and not shown. This was probably a good thing because Jake’s arm’s were so veiny in this fucker that if we saw the rest of him we might think he was a snake master and not a nightcrawler. I get the veins though because the movie is about news and the news always says “if it bleeds it leads” and veins make bleeding possible.

Jake Gyllenhaal On The Set Of 'Nightcrawler'

Like a grandpa who won’t shut up, this movie is telling us that we watch too much TV! But it’s also about being your own boss, which is the American dream 2.0, I think.

There isn’t much to this thing, it’s about a veiny loner who finds a new job and gets way too into it. Sounds to me like the last half of Forrest Gump, a movie about a way nicer guy.

To help me get through the movie without chewing on my jacket, I bought a combination of a medium popcorn and a medium drink. I’m such a career medium–shirts, pants, combos–that the sound of the word “medium” makes me feel at home. We were going to refill our drink on the way out so that we could sip until dinner but we forgot probably because we were mad at the nightcrawler for being such a damn doorknob.If I had a friend like that there’s no way I’d answer his emails.

I’d rate this movie “A” for “Anyway, I saw Nightcrawler” because it probably won’t be the first thing you tell your co-worker you did this weekend. I’ll probably lead with the chicken curry I made for dinner on Sunday followed by the goal I scored in hockey on Friday, then Nightcrawler. Have a great afternoon and check out the full glennmacaulay.com blog library, available on demand NOW.

Overheard – Halloween 2014

Halloween 2014 was definitely one of the spookiest in recent memory! As a snapshot of the most frightfully delightful day of the year, I assigned glennmacaulay.com intern Little Cliff to go out to some of Toronto’s hottest Halloween parties and report back with what the people were talkin’ about. Take it away, Cliff! (photos by Garn)

It rained all night and nobody understood my “dart, bored” costume. I didn’t enjoy any of the parties I went to. I tried my best to get some good quotes but I could barely hear anything over the loud music so most of these I either heard while on the subway home or I guessed:

“Where’d Matt go?”

“Let’s go down into the sewer and have sex tonight.”

“No, my family never took walks together.”

“Tony!!”

halloween

“This sucks.”

“I don’t blow my nose unless I’m actually sick.”

“There’s a marble in one of the toilets.”

“Are there any standalone New York Fries locations?”

shutterstock_63187396

“Dude, you can’t have two favourite colours.”

“HBO baby!”

“Jen can get us free rice after this.”

“I love it when a bald dude smiles.”

Photo-Hal2010_big_05

“I need a new phone, holy shit.”

“I’m thirsty.”

“Don’t lie to me you fucking shithead.”

“I didn’t eat dinner tonight.”

IMG_7413

“Remember the Transformers cartoon? Like, the old one?”

“I’m cold.”

“It would suck to work here.”

“How much does it cost to subscribe to a newspaper?”

Alternatives to seasonal jumps

The other day I saw this little kid jump into a pile of dead leaves only to emerge covered in dog shit and old cigarette butts, making her look like some sort of leprosy-ridden Chewbacca. Every season has its own unique thing to jump into that we associate with childhood innocence but at what cost? Here are some alternatives to the most popular things to jump into, organized by season:

Summer
Major Jumper – Swimming Pools

rogue-pool-slide copy

For centuries summer has been the hottest season of the year besides the heat generated by the non-stop action of PGA Tour season. The easiest way to beat the heat besides replacing your heart with a fridge motor is to swim in water that’s colder than the air. This form of bathing also affords adrenaline junkies the opportunity to test out air-based tricks like flips, dips and tornadoes but it’s all a bit played out. If you’re having trouble following what I’m talking about, simply remember this nursery rhyme: Summer is hot, pools are cool, the world is brown, pools are blue

Alternative – grass clippings

imgp2070

Pools don’t grow on trees but grass sure does, and with so much unwanted grass clippings littering city streets and parks, it makes sense to use them for something other raccoon bait.

Winter
Major Jumper – snow

snowjump

Snow is a very safe, all-natural substance whose white colour reminds us of innocence and the boring part of our eye that doesn’t do anything. It’s also edible so if some gets in your mouth while you’re jumping into it you won’t have to force yourself to puke like you would when jumping into the bean pit during post-summer. I don’t think we should limit ourselves to just one kind of winter pile though.

Alternative – pile of salt

saltjump

Every foodie dreams of diving into a pile of salt and in most seasons this is completely unreasonable. But come winter big piles of chunky salt are utilized to season our ice and snow in case aliens come and we need to trick them into it so they leave our meat and seeds alone. Salt is rougher than snow but if you come home covered in salt your cat will give you the licking you’ve always sought.

Spring
Major Jumper – Mud

blonde_sinking_in_quicksand_by_kforrest1

Besides being a a dead ringer for poo, mud is a sign that winter is over as well as a source of nutrition for our nation’s nomads. You wouldn’t want some guy swimming around in your almonds, would you? Stay out of the mud!

Alternative – nests

nests

You shouldn’t feel bad about gathering bird’s nests into a clean pile because birds love making them. Besides, for all the hair and old string we contribute to every nest, the least they can do is not peck us when we take one.

Fall
major jumper – dead leaves

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Humans have a natural need to jump into piles of skeletons because that’s how our ancestors proved they weren’t pussies. Over centuries we’ve evolved to jump into the next best thing to dead humans: dead leaves. By frolicking in what’s essentially a tree’s dead children, jumping in leaves is a pretty big “fuck off” to bark boys considering we use their oxygen all year. Plus, what if someone’s phone number is written on one of those leaves?

alternative – alive leaves

jumpleaves

In grade four I ran away from home for six hours and was briefly raised by a local hobo named Meals. He taught me to pile up alive leaves and jump into them, giving one the sensation of “swimming through a lake full of skin” as Meal put it. And fuck trees anyway, right? You never hear them whisper “save the humans” or anything and here we are feeding them CO2 all year long.

Celebrity secrets

Bono was back in the news last week when he revealed that his signature sunglasses are for glaucoma and not style and/or filtering out “things that aren’t beautiful”. It’s a pretty boring revelation but thankfully there are plenty of other celebrities out there whose famous accoutrements tell a very interesting story. Here are six of them:

Bill Paxton’s gold tooth

paxgold copy

Bill Paxton made a name for himself as an actor in the 80s and 90s playing a wide-range of characters in instant classics like Aliens and Apollo 13. His famous gold tooth became almost as famous as him, spawning a Saturday morning cartoon called One Nice Tooth and a breakfast cereal called “Teeth”, but was the tooth a simple act of vanity or a marketing stunt to spawn a Saturday morning cartoon and a breakfast cereal? Neither. In an interview with Playboy in 2003, Paxton revealed that the tooth is one of three keys that when used together, will open a vault hidden deep beneath the sprawling Paxton compound in the Sonoran desert. Paxton never confirmed what is contained in the vault but it’s common Hollywood knowledge that it’s likely the only copy of William Shakespeare’s comic book about female skeleton who doesn’t hate anything, which was said to be the inspiration for Anne of Green Gables.

Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt

It’s popular belief that Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt was designed by House of Givenchy during Paris Fashion Week, 2007. During an appearance on Jeff Probst’s “What’s Up?” podcast Bosworth admitted that she actually bought the shirt from a Chicago-based punk rock singer named Adam Fucking Bullshit after he impressed her with his hip, DIY aesthetic. She also bought a pair of socks made out of a wet pizza box that can briefly be seen during the banana scene in Blue Crush.

Charlie Chaplin’s tattoo

charlie chaplin shirtless

Chaplin’s paw tattoo was a fixture in his early films but never got much attention compared to his moustache, hat and knee that looks like a potato. In 19th century London all British infants were sorted and “stamped” into one of twenty different groupings based on a number of factors such as head size and barf smell. In those days an infant wasn’t considered a human being until it could say the Queen’s name without laughing, meaning that infants were legally property of the crown until such a time. Each group of infants represented a different type of sacrifice that one would have to endure or else be tossed into the Thames.  Chaplin ended up a “Royal Moggy”, a group of infants that when called into service would be used to right the ballast of British ships carrying goods to North America. Thankfully, Chaplin was only called upon once where he spent a harrowing three week journey in a steamer carrying wool and pickle brine, bound for Newfoundland.

Rashida Jones’ fibre optic hair

rashida-jones

Jones has lived a life of privilege thanks to her famous parents Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton and though the multitalented actress has stayed grounded over the past several years, she was a complete nightmare as a teen. For her Sweet 16 party she requested a Ferrari made of bone china and a breast enhancement using whale blubber instead of silicon. Her parents did not indulge her and instead set her up with a procedure to replace her hair with fibre optic cables. Though furious at first, Jones eventually found the hair extremely useful during her years at Harvard where she was able to access information quickly and efficiently. Her hair was also named Top ISP of 2004 by Wired Magazine.

Alec Baldwin’s cheek meatball

Alec Baldwin has had a meatball on his face for so long that most people don’t even think about it anymore. The truth is that the actor himself didn’t know it was there until Rob Reiner noticed it on the set of Ghosts of Mississippi. Right before Baldwin attempted to peel it off, Reiner told him it suited his face and that it could become something special. Always with the midas touch, Reiner was correct and the meatball-faced Baldwin’s career skyrocketed. When asked where he thought the meatball came from, Baldwin said “I think I was in the East Village dining with an old girlfriend at Mama Sauce’s, but if might’ve been during Easter ’87 when my brothers and I made meat eggs”.

Phil Mickelson’s chain

The famous golfer’s famous chain has nothing to do with his famous left-handed drive, but is instead proof of membership in famous hip hop collective, The East City Stompers. Phil financed one of their early projects, a mix tape featuring members Papa Smurph, Leeanne Rhymes, Yeah Man, Kicky P and Booky Chapters that led to their platinum selling LP, “White Guns”. Mickelson claimed he had nothing to do with the group’s infamous beef with rivals Famous Explosions which culminated in the unsolved murder of rapper/entrepreneur Bikini Atoll.

 

What they used as condoms in the old days

Back in the old days there was no such thing as rubber condoms so to avoid getting a woman pregnant, men of the realm would either have to fashion their own out of whatever was around or have a pig eat their own dick off. Here’s what some of yesteryear’s horn dogs used to dam the stream:

Blacksmith – Rot iron condom

ironcondom

Baker – hollow bread condom

bakerycondom

Knight – No condom

knightcondom

King – Silk condom made to look like a bigger dick

kingcondom

Jester – King’s underpants condom

jestercondom

Peasant – Mud condom

peasantcondom

Time Traveler – LifeStyles brand condom

timetravellercondom

Wizard – Smoke condom

wizardcondom

Wizard’s Apprentice

Yeah right! Sorry, but I’m not going to fulfill your perverted fantasy of imagining a bright, young apprentice with a test tube around his underdeveloped peen staring dead ahead into the lustful eyes of the village harlot.

New comic – “Call of the Child”

headscabcomic