What your eye colour says about you

black

Black: Yes, master?

blue

Blue: Why don’t you tell me what your eyes say about you. That’s what you want, isn’t it?

green

Green: Oh get over yourself

white

White: I hate to ask, but can you contact my dead teacher and tell her that I was the one who farted?

red

Red: You’re uh, you’re beautiful! And uh, you can retract those claws now pretty girl, hehehehe, please?

hazel

Hazel: Typical middle child.

brown

Brown: If there’s poo in your eyes there’s probably poo in your pants

 

ESL Lesson 4B

My students today are Ooba, Una, El Jason, Robbie, Yugg and Candice. Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself by using last week’s lesson on creative greetings?

Ooba: Hello, I won’t eat you.
Una: Welcome to my talking phase. What’s next? I can go again.
El Jason: I’m not ill, may we lick?
Robbie: Hi there on today.
Yugg: Greetings, the weather is poo man and I am under poo man.
Candice: Hi, stare into my teeth and I will look into yours.

Ha, um, okay, definitely better than week one.

Today’s lesson: What is a ‘trailblazer’ and how do you use the term?

‘Trailblazer’ is a popular English term that has exactly five vastly different meanings. You’ll know how to use the term depending on the situation but don’t mess it up or the person you’re communicating with might explode*

*I’m not serious, but since giving the class these warnings I haven’t issued a grade under C+)

Meaning #1 –  A jacket traditionally worn when hunting or birdwatching

30803_1

Braidly models a trailblazer while hunting for compliments in the glennmacaulay.com photo studio

Using the term in a sentence:

I am going to the forest to look for toads but a dog pooed on my windbreaker. Do you have a trailblazer I can borrow?

My trailblazer has enough pockets for six pine cones and three snake eggs.

I wore my trailblazer to the pond and now it smells like ducks.

I glued moss, leaves and three nests to my upper body, but it’s no trailblazer.

Meaning #2 – An outdoorsy pothead

This trailblazer is wearing a trail blazer

This trailblazer is wearing a trailblazer

Using the term in a sentence:

I got lost in the woods, came across a trailblazer and got more lost.

That man licking the maple tree is likely a trailblazer.

Is that an owl in that tree? No, that is a trailblazer, hooting.

Hello, I am a trailblazer, may I eat some of your seeds?

Meaning #3 – An arsonist specializing in forest fires

hanks2

A typical trailblazer ignoring his own safety by not wearing a trailblazer. That kind of behaviour means he’s probably a weed-headed trailblazer.

Using the term in a sentence:

I used to burn down houses but they never had enough leaves. I am a trailblazer.

Our town no longer has any walnuts thanks to that trailblazer.

Don’t go into the woods today, a trailblazer built a tepee in there.

I didn’t know mud was flammable until I saw a trailblazer light some.

Meaning #4 – Clyde Drexler

A Trailblazer, not allowed to trailblaze due to the NBA’s drug policy. He’s also not allowed to trailblaze but who would? The forests of Portland are stunning.

Using the term in a sentence:

Clyde Drexler is a Trailblazer.

Meaning #5 – A Chevrolet automobile

The Trailblazer given to Clyde Drexler for being an exemplary Trailblazer.

Using the term in a sentence:

I wanted a Porsche for Sweet Sixteen but Daddy bought me a Trailblazer instead and now I hate my daddy.

I ran over a man in my Trailblazer then I rolled it into the lake to hide it.

There’s enough room in a Trailblazer for three couples to have sex.

The interior of my uncle’s old Trailblazer smells like rotten soap.

There will be a quiz on trailblazers next week. In the meantime, please study Chapter 17 where you’ll begin to learn how to ask for onion rings instead of fries at restaurants. Thank you students and thank you visitors for taking the time to observe our class. Having problems speaking English? Enroll! I promise you that El Jason doesn’t normally scream so much.

The Complete Liar’s Guide to Birthdays

The first entry in a new series called “The Liar’s Guide” is all about birthdays because everyone’s got one and because my birthday is coming up. Lying, sorry, but in a feature like this there’s bound to be a few. Lying. There’s only one lie, the one about the birthday. Lying. There are two lies now because I lied about the original lie. Lying. There are about three lies now but that would negate lie #2 so… uh… this is a great example of getting caught in what’s called a “web of lies”. I’m a great liar and my lies are web-free, leaving no feelings hurt and no need to back lies up with more lies or a phone call to your dad saying “if anyone asks, my middle name is Fuvv”.

The Liar’s Guide to… Birthdays

What to say when you receive a crummy gift

Photo Pillow case 1

“I’m sure I can turn this into a bra somehow”

“This looks tasty, I’m going to eat it”

“I’m not disappointed, but the charity I’m donating it to will be”

“Trick or treat, smell me Pete, do I smell like the kind of guy who would needs another copy of Rushmore? Ha, relax man, I’m kidding, I’ll use this one as prop in my next skit”


What to say when you don’t want to go to someone’s birthday party because you don’t like them or it sounds boring

271-226012859

“Sorry, I only celebrate Christmas Eve.”

“If there’s a religion out there that doesn’t celebrate birthdays, that’s terrible, and I’m leaving right now to find them and take them down. So yeah, gonna have to miss your party.”

“I’m taking this drug that makes my ears drool if I so much as smell a cake.”

“Sorry, I have a haircut booked that day and if I cancel it I won’t be able to fit my Bart Simpson wig on the next day.”

“I poo a lot.”

“I gotta work that night and there’s no way I can switch shifts because I’m the only person who knows how to solve the onions.”

“Is it alright if I bring my sick rat?”

“I’ll come but the crew will have to come too. They’re filming a documentary about me and how I shed when I’m around other people.”


What to say when someone asks how old you are and you’re embarrassed to admit it

BP-Man-Woman

“It’s the 10th anniversary of my 20th birthday.”

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to ask my doctor that question.”

“Humans don’t have an expiry date, man”

“Dude, I got three email accounts, how old do you think I am?”

“In dog years I’m a Shetland Sheepdog”

“Why don’t you saw my arm off and count the rings?”

“Well, I’m still pretty wiggly”

“I don’t want to compromise my mission. Hey, buy a spy some fries, would you?”


How to react when the waiters sing a birthday song to you at a restaurant and you hate it

singing-happy-birthday

Simply barf


What to say to someone who forgets it’s your birthday when all you want to say is “I’m want to rip your fuckin’ eyes out”

2C73A3F9-B014-4276-8715646971CE7B73

“It’s fine, for a few weeks I thought Remembrance Day was in a month called ‘Newvembo’.”

“Kidding, my birthday isn’t for another 15 months.”

“No problem, why don’t we go to The Bay and I can pick something out for myself that you can pay for.”

“I expect you to be at my door Christmas morning with a ham and some diamonds.”

“I guarantee Jeremy Jackson forgets David Charvet’s birthday and they can’t even afford presents for each other.”

 

Will You Buy My Grandkids? (1993)

Mrs-Doubtfire-8616692c

glennslist.org listings

glennslist.org is an online classified service made by Glenn for Glenn. Please peruse today’s listings and reply if you can offer your assistance. All are welcome to reply, whether your name is Glenn, Glen or Tooby.

How do you wash a garbage can?

Hi, looking for information on how to wash a garbage can if you don’t have access to an outdoor hose or one of those basement bathtubs that no one uses so you store the vacuum in it, and one time you realized it’s a good spot to clean the garbage can. My wife thought something died in or around our kitchen garbage nook and after a simple investigation I’ve concluded that the can has accumulated the stinks of trash past.

What kind of soap should I use? Our Dove bars contain one quarter moisturizing cream but is moisture not what gives garbage its signature stench? If my garbage was dry I wouldn’t have this problem and could simply burn it along with the used napkins and moss that grows inside the oven. I have considered an anti-bacterial soap but I don’t want to rid the can of the good kind of bacteria that keeps snakes away.

Where should I perform the operation? Since I’ve never spotted anyone wash their garbage can outdoors, I’m beginning to doubt that anyone does it in the first place. This has me stressed that I’ve been doing garbage wrong all these years and that maybe my Ouiji board was right and I should be stuffing more things down the sewer.

How can I prevent this from happening again save for investing the those expensive garbage bags that have more tech in them than Teddy Ruxpin’s eyes? I’m considering pre-treating every piece of trash with the deodorant I got in my Christmas stocking that I’m not using because it’s not my brand. It will be labour-intensive but if my garbage smells like a teenager who doesn’t sweat but is eager to interact with his newly-haired pits, count me in.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers. Once, the mailman ignored my no flyers sign so I taped a worm to his chest and gave him a free pass to the bird sanctuary. You don’t want that to happen to you, do you?

For Sale – old shoes – $Various prices$ (Toronto)

My feet don’t stink and I have good style, which means my old shoes are as good as a dorky stinker’s new ones. There are several styles available: low tops, high tops, squeakers, rubber stubs, hammer toes, lucky pups and laced janes. Send me some money and I’ll decide which pair you get based on how much you send. Don’t look so shocked, this is how auctions work in Europe.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers unless you got a good deal on tar.

How should I feel about the ***mangy raccoon*** out back?

There’s this dirty little fucker hanging around near the trash out back. He took a huge shit right outside our door and I’ve been told the turds are toxic. If one of my co-workers did this I’d slap them across the knee and pour molasses down their trousers but what is my recourse when dealing with a creature outside my own genus? I’ve seen this guy and he looks like he’s been experimented on by some local slow man whom some are sympathetic toward, while others take him to McDonalds and force him to order things that aren’t on the menu. Did I just answer my own question by equating the man with the creature? No, but I suppose I should treat the raccoon like I’d treat the hypothetical slow man–ignorance! I think I’ve reached a conclusion but if you have any further advice or know of a prank where raccoon turd is the primary ingredient, please reply.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, I’m not lonely and everything I need I get from Shoppers Drug Mart.

Seeking: Live-in nurse who’s comfortable with snot (downtown core)

I’ll pay any nurse a pot of dimes if he or she can get rid of my current nasal and sinus congestion and get me back to summer shape. The only goo I like to experience in the summer is wet ice cream that I can use to distract bees in order to get to their sweet goo. I’m willing to try any miracle cure as long as it doesn’t involve anything Chinese, which doesn’t have anything to do with race, but everything to do with the way they drive!

  • OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. He’s got a great hockey card collection that shows dedication.
  • do NOT contact us with unsolicited services or offers unless it’s a job offer, duh

**Non-Glenn special**
My buddy Ooba begged me to post this on glennslist because he’s having trouble finding a girlfriend. His English isn’t the best so I did my best to make it coherent based on his favourite expressions. Don’t think for a second that this means I’ll start accepting posts from anyone but me–I owe Ooba a favour after he installed a spy camera into the taxi I’m trying to get revenge on.

M seeking W with Bleach blind eyes – 42 (Ajax)

Most rad dudes are looking for a tanned-skin stunner with blue eyes and bleach blonde hair, but I have so many classically gross features that I’d like to find a tanned-skin stunner with hair and bleach blind eyes, the whiter and blinder the better. Of course if you’re reading this you probably don’t qualify so I encourage my fellow lovelorn to help me out and activate beige-dar. If she can’t see me she can’t see the warts on my thighs that doctors have described as “raisin-esque” I don’t have a problem with her smelling my ear gravy, a rare condition that combines the stickiness of ear wax with the savoury taste of snot and the colour of Kentucky caramel.

  • do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers. No wait, please do, Ooba hates junk mail and when he gets mad his ears turn green.

Letters from idiots

We had our interns steal some mail and hack some email accounts to bring you this week’s edition of Letters from idiots, the viral sensation that’s in development as a sitcom starring Tony Hale as “Guy who isn’t idiot”. Please share and if you find one of your letters here, don’t bother us, we checked and none of this is illegal unless you’re able to identify the specific thief (all our interns wear pillow cases on their heads hehehe).

Bill,

I made a reservation at that vegan restaurant. Don’t worry they do have fries lol

– Diana


What’s up Ian?

Remember yesterday when you told me that story about your dog liking peanut butter but not jam? We should turn that into a Twitter feed. I can start it but I’d love if you could help too (it is your dog after all). I know some guys with over 2k followers so it wouldn’t that hard to get it off the ground.

Hit. Me. Up.
Bear


Hey Max,

Finally got your treble clef joke from yesterday and you’re right, it does kinda look like a pregnant chick with one ball.

Love, Uncle Pete


Hey Craig, I can’t come to your party because I have like, a million things to do this week and I haven’t updated my linkedin since June. So sorry, and I hope it all goes well, i know how hard it can be planning a funeral.

LIVE. LOVE. RESPECT.

– Kerry


Andrew,

Please, please PLEASE show me how to download movies.

From Jason


Dear Mrs. White

I know you like to keep it fair by letting every student take the mouse home at least once during the school year, but not every home has the soft carpets and unlimited seeds (Jacklyn’s father works for Albright Seed) that our home has. Jacklyn loves Manny more than the other children do, I can tell. She has authored several stories called the Adventures of Manny Mouse and Jacklyn. Myself and Jackyln’s father are going to send the stories to a publishing house and get a book done so you won’t want to be on our bad side once she’s on TV and a superstar. You’re a toad.

Regards,
Jacklyn’s mother, Jackie



Hey nancy,

God did not create the zebra as means of attracting male humans to the ‘sweet spots’ of human females via panty. Call me when you buy the flesh-coloured kind.


Greetings Dave!

Heads up, we’ll be bringing our own ice cream cones because the ones at the fair likely have wheat in them. The ice cream is fine, no wheat there, but the cones we can’t be sure. Stu and I make our own at home using rice paste and gelatin. We’ll bring extra just in case.

Oliver


Hi Ruby

The cut has almost completely healed, thanks for asking. I re-filled the first aid kit and it’s better than ever. I replaced the bandages with some homemade ones I tore off Darryl’s old work shirts and I added a copy of Chicken Soup for the Salesman’s Soul, some Frog Balm from Cape Cod and six thumbtacks because I can never find any when I need them.

– Sally


Yo man,

It’s so weird that Michael Jackson is dead and still releasing albums, eh? Makes you wonder who really owns our graveyards. Next thing you know, my great grandpa will be directing transformers. Wanna go swimming tomorrow?

– Jake



Hi Nick,

How much did it cost to get your mole removed? I want to get a tattoo but I need to know how much it’ll cost to get erased if I end up hating it. I think I’m going to get the recycling symbol in that camouflage style.

– Darla


Big thanks to all the interns who made this edition of Letters from idiots possible. Below is a picture of the team from last year’s Christmas party at Belinda’s mom’s house. Most of them will be moving on at the end of the month so anyone interested in joining us next quarter should take some time to read the guidelines prior to submitting an application. 

mummering_in_jackson_s_arm1012201

Movie review – Guardians of the Galaxy

guardians-of-the-galaxy-film-set-09

Guardians of the Galaxy is a new movie that has so many aliens and spaceships that you’ll never need to go to the planetarium ever again.

There’s one guy who’s not an alien and that’s human Peter Quill, who calls himself Star Lord, that has more to do with being in space and not being a literal lord because he’s way too goofy to have that kind of authority. He’s played by TV star Chris Pratt who had to lose weight in order to jump all over the place and roll around.

The Star lord gets together with a tree, a raccoon, a volcano man and a green alien to fight against some bald guy who wants an orb that star lord found. That was a bit vague, sorry, there are a lot of bald aliens in this movie. The one I’m talking about is blue and dresses like a Japanese Sphinx. Star Lord’s team doesn’t get along at first but then do because they realize they don’t have any other friends and because it’s way more interesting that way. There’s another plot where star lord misses his dead mom even though the space technology in the movie could probably make him a new one. That part was stupid.

A man can dream

A man can dream

The special effects were great in this movie, creating a version of outer space that’s full of aliens who only speak English and dress like they’re in the opening scene of Bill and Ted part 2. One ticket to that space please! All the ships that the guys drew on their computers for the movie looked really cool and the makeup they used on all the aliens created skin colours and textures that are simply out of this world.

Guardians of the Galaxy was a fun ride and I wouldn’t mind them guarding our galaxy (the milker) as long as they don’t mess around. I hope that in the sequel the tree and raccoon get to go to Earth because I’d love to see what they think of our outdoors.

I ate popcorn, drank a diet cherry coke and some Starburst minis that weren’t as good as Starburst regulars. I shared all snacks with my brother. I’d give this movie a “go see it, you’re bored, right?” and recommend seeing it at night so when you leave the theatre you can keep watching space for free. The best kind of date to bring to this movie would be someone who is easily scared or some dork who hasn’t seen it yet because they were on vacation when it came out.

The dog day of summer

pack-of-dogs

It was early September, not hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk but hot enough to heat up leftover eggs on the sidewalk. I was knelt down, filling a juice jug with water from the sprinkler, a ritual I had been performing all summer in order to make my summer certified lemonade that was selling like photos of nude women to the recently pubic. To complete the full experience I presented the drink to customers not in glasses but rather hollowed out eggshells I painted red stitches on to look like baseballs in keeping with the summer theme. If it seems like I got eggs on the brain it’s because I was born around breakfast. Anyway, if you want to read about my lemonade, pick up a copy of Business Week, this story is about dogs.

As I was kneeling there I caught the scent of dog and my eyes immediately darted down toward my belt.  When I had buckled it twenty minutes earlier, I thought I might regret wearing the one made of  beef jerky but my leather belt was currently being used by my wife to measure how many of my waists could fit into the basement in case the cloning project got funding.

Before I knew it I was surrounded by at least 25 dogs of various breeds, some with collars, some without, some barking, some sniffing, all staring at me, mouths agape and hungry for preserved meat. I decided to test their focus by casually walking up the block toward the failed Asian fusion restaurant that had only succeeded in fusing the parts of the brain that detect bad value and mediocre noodles. Sure enough, the dogs were on my tail, snout first, their own tails happily flapping away as if fanning butterflies away from a pile of raisins. They weren’t necessarily aggressive but I didn’t like how all of them were so interested in me, a creature who didn’t speak the same language or even like the same type of girls as them.

I decided not to run because I didn’t want to provoke the dogs and have them start running themselves. To me, a dog running is like a bee stinging only a dog doesn’t die after it runs unless it’s old and has a bad heart, or if it runs into a bee and it’s allergic to bees. I made a mental note to call my next band Dog Heart and continued at a brisk pace toward the graveyard where I figured the smell of bones would distract them enough to lose them. If not, at least I’d be able to finally check out that cemetery I’d never been to.

I was sweating cats and dogs and could sense the dogs reacting to my new smell like a cat reacting to a sweaty dog, so I did a quick barrel roll and left a sweat stain on the sidewalk that actually kind of looked like a dog–I’m not sure though, it was a quick glance and I might have just caught the shadow of one of the dogs. I walked 16 steps (I know the exact number because I had already decided I wanted to tell the story and needed some cold, hard facts) and gathered enough courage to look back where I saw the mutts licking at pavement, just as I had intended. I ducked into a pet store and waited until the coast was clear. Before leaving I left my belt in an iguana tank and that iguana eventually went on to star in over thirty children’s stories written by this slow kid who lived above the pet store.

Reactions the Gang had to Kool calling himself “Kool” and the rest of the band “the Gang”

In 1969, bass player Robert Bell informed his band that henceforth he would be known as “Kool”, while the band would be referred to as “the Gang”. Here are some reactions the Gang had to this news:

KooltheGang10

“If you’re going to be Kool, then I demand you start calling me ‘Fuck Master’.”

KooltheGang8

“I didn’t quit my job washing cigarettes just to be lumped in with the rest of these mother fuckers.”

KooltheGang7

“Why not just call the rest of us ‘The Pieces of Shit’?”

KooltheGang6

“I knew that girl named ‘Sexy’ would end up being a bad influence the minute you started dating her, man.”

KooltheGang5

“I don’t understand — are you the leader of ‘the Gang’ or are you an independent entity? To whom do we pay gang dues to?”

KooltheGang4

“Are you still going to make us egg salad on Tuesdays? Because that doesn’t sound like something a guy named ‘Kool’ would be into doing.”

KooltheGang3

“It’s not so bad, I mean, gangs can be cool too, right? How about we get ourselves a symbol, something like, oh I don’t know, an old tin can full of garbage with a mother fuckin’ ‘G’ on it?”

KooltheGang2

“It could be worse I ‘spose — I heard James Brown calls his band the Piss Drinkin’ Ass Brains.”

KooltheGang1

“You named your infant son Meepy and you call yourself ‘Kool’? Poor Meepy.”

 

Classic army misunderstandings

Please welcome guest blogger Dale Cramer

I wrote a humourous advice column in the Windsor Gazette for forty years, earning accolades and more free coffee mugs than I got free coffees! The column was called The Cram and was known for its relatable parenting humour that teens could also enjoy, such as the Swiss Chalet Community Leader Award-winning piece “Got a Light?” where I compared smoking to drowning. When my column was canceled last month I decided it might be time to finally try my hand at blogging on the computer. I reached out to as many Internet sites as I could and thankfully this man Glenn gave me a shot. I was really happy to be able to include some more “X-Rated” material that my former editor scoffed at. No hard feelings, Raymond. Anyway, enjoy!

– Cram
(I can’t sign the computer screen but if you ever saw my column you’ll know I signed each one with my signature and a little picture of Cupid sticking his tongue out. This is where that would go)

Atten-hut! No, not the football
Classic Army Misunderstandings
by Dale Cramer

crest craft army04

Thanks to my son Nick for finding this great ‘toon

It’s every young man’s dream to serve his country, but it ain’t all crisp white sheets and lifelong camaraderie. The army has its own language and terminology that even confused yours truly back when I was in the Canadian reserves. Please email these to your wives, boys!

It’s an ambush

Don’t try telling a platoon of thirsty soldiers there’s an ambush waitin’ for ‘em — they might think you’re talking about an ice cold Anheuser-Busch beer (or ‘water’ as us canucks call it).

Caught in a booby trap

If there’s one surefire way to give soldiers the jollies it’s any mention of a booby trap — dream come true, eh?

Give no quarter 

A kill-hungry solider foams at the mouth when he’s able to give no quarter, but don’t utter the words around a young arcade (or should I say blockade) monkey! Boy I’ve heard of too many joystick jockeys gunned down in the field only because their rucksack was so full of quarters it was weighin’ ‘em down.

Barbed Wire

It’s not uncommon for young soldiers to confuse the sharp stuff with the skin flick starring the stunning Pamela Lee. Keep your pistols in your pants boys, you don’t want catch your dinger on a real deal barbed wire fence — if you’re not going to die in the field, you’d better at least be able to reproduce!

- Cram
**cartoon of cupid sticking his tongue out**

———————————————————————————————–

The only reason I let this guy do this is because he said he’d do it for free and because he allowed to me post his pic, which is totally worth it. Check this guy out:

Silly_0938b9_602655