Celebrity secrets

Bono was back in the news last week when he revealed that his signature sunglasses are for glaucoma and not style and/or filtering out “things that aren’t beautiful”. It’s a pretty boring revelation but thankfully there are plenty of other celebrities out there whose famous accoutrements tell a very interesting story. Here are six of them:

Bill Paxton’s gold tooth

paxgold copy

Bill Paxton made a name for himself as an actor in the 80s and 90s playing a wide-range of characters in instant classics like Aliens and Apollo 13. His famous gold tooth became almost as famous as him, spawning a Saturday morning cartoon called One Nice Tooth and a breakfast cereal called “Teeth”, but was the tooth a simple act of vanity or a marketing stunt to spawn a Saturday morning cartoon and a breakfast cereal? Neither. In an interview with Playboy in 2003, Paxton revealed that the tooth is one of three keys that when used together, will open a vault hidden deep beneath the sprawling Paxton compound in the Sonoran desert. Paxton never confirmed what is contained in the vault but it’s common Hollywood knowledge that it’s likely the only copy of William Shakespeare’s comic book about female skeleton who doesn’t hate anything, which was said to be the inspiration for Anne of Green Gables.

Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt

It’s popular belief that Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt was designed by House of Givenchy during Paris Fashion Week, 2007. During an appearance on Jeff Probst’s “What’s Up?” podcast Bosworth admitted that she actually bought the shirt from a Chicago-based punk rock singer named Adam Fucking Bullshit after he impressed her with his hip, DIY aesthetic. She also bought a pair of socks made out of a wet pizza box that can briefly be seen during the banana scene in Blue Crush.

Charlie Chaplin’s tattoo

charlie chaplin shirtless

Chaplin’s paw tattoo was a fixture in his early films but never got much attention compared to his moustache, hat and knee that looks like a potato. In 19th century London all British infants were sorted and “stamped” into one of twenty different groupings based on a number of factors such as head size and barf smell. In those days an infant wasn’t considered a human being until it could say the Queen’s name without laughing, meaning that infants were legally property of the crown until such a time. Each group of infants represented a different type of sacrifice that one would have to endure or else be tossed into the Thames.  Chaplin ended up a “Royal Moggy”, a group of infants that when called into service would be used to right the ballast of British ships carrying goods to North America. Thankfully, Chaplin was only called upon once where he spent a harrowing three week journey in a steamer carrying wool and pickle brine, bound for Newfoundland.

Rashida Jones’ fibre optic hair

rashida-jones

Jones has lived a life of privilege thanks to her famous parents Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton and though the multitalented actress has stayed grounded over the past several years, she was a complete nightmare as a teen. For her Sweet 16 party she requested a Ferrari made of bone china and a breast enhancement using whale blubber instead of silicon. Her parents did not indulge her and instead set her up with a procedure to replace her hair with fibre optic cables. Though furious at first, Jones eventually found the hair extremely useful during her years at Harvard where she was able to access information quickly and efficiently. Her hair was also named Top ISP of 2004 by Wired Magazine.

Alec Baldwin’s cheek meatball

Alec Baldwin has had a meatball on his face for so long that most people don’t even think about it anymore. The truth is that the actor himself didn’t know it was there until Rob Reiner noticed it on the set of Ghosts of Mississippi. Right before Baldwin attempted to peel it off, Reiner told him it suited his face and that it could become something special. Always with the midas touch, Reiner was correct and the meatball-faced Baldwin’s career skyrocketed. When asked where he thought the meatball came from, Baldwin said “I think I was in the East Village dining with an old girlfriend at Mama Sauce’s, but if might’ve been during Easter ’87 when my brothers and I made meat eggs”.

Phil Mickelson’s chain

The famous golfer’s famous chain has nothing to do with his famous left-handed drive, but is instead proof of membership in famous hip hop collective, New City Hustlers. Phil financed one of their early projects, a mix tape featuring members Papa Smurph, Leeanne Rhymes, Yeah Man, Kicky P and Booky Chapters that led to their platinum selling LP, “White Guns”. Mickelson claimed he had nothing to do with the group’s infamous beef with rivals Famous Explosions which culminated in the unsolved murder of rapper/entrepreneur Bikini Atoll.

 

What they used as condoms in the old days

Back in the old days there was no such thing as rubber condoms so to avoid getting a woman pregnant, men of the realm would either have to fashion their own out of whatever was around or have a pig eat their own dick off. Here’s what some of yesteryear’s horn dogs used to dam the stream:

Blacksmith – Rot iron condom

ironcondom

Baker – hollow bread condom

bakerycondom

Knight – No condom

knightcondom

King – Silk condom made to look like a bigger dick

kingcondom

Jester – King’s underpants condom

jestercondom

Peasant – Mud condom

peasantcondom

Time Traveler – LifeStyles brand condom

timetravellercondom

Wizard – Smoke condom

wizardcondom

Wizard’s Apprentice

Yeah right! Sorry, but I’m not going to fulfill your perverted fantasy of imagining a bright, young apprentice with a test tube around his underdeveloped peen staring dead ahead into the lustful eyes of the village harlot.

New comic – “Call of the Child”

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Tech graveyard 2014

With the exception of a new toilet flusher and some shoes whose colours are downright otherworldly by 1940s standards, yours truly hasn’t invested in much new tech in 2014. Just because I haven’t bought new gadgets, opting instead to invest in hedonism for my tastebuds (burgers and fries), I keep up with the trends in case I’m asked to represent Earth in some sort of intergalactic brainstorm.

Like any other year there have been survivors and corpses, with the former becoming as ubiquitous as our morning slurp and the latter becoming the butt of jokes that only industry insiders and annoying people will understand twenty years from now. I’m more interested in the failures, the Avro Arrows of the bunch because I see a lot of distilled human hope in these gadgets, hope that never got a chance to pupate and morph into pure dollars, cents and rabid Internet dissection. Let’s take a look at those devices that will NOT see the bottom of the kiddies’ Christmas socks this holiday season:

Nike Air Keyboards – Wozniak, Gates, Page & Brin signature models

woz

What is it?

Nike signed endorsement deals with three industry heavyweights and employed renowned street artists such as +Muck+ to collaborate on some customized boards.

Why didn’t it work?

Too much hype. Nike spent over six hundred million dollars building hype with teasers, pop up Internet cafes that served free ginger beer and a guerrilla art campaign that really pissed off Europe. The keyboards’ distinct graphics and air technology that made each keystroke feeling like you’re poking a chubby puppy’s belly weren’t enough to sway consumers. They also created controversy by replacing the “@” sign with the famous Nike Swoosh and attempting to create a new type of mail service called “NikEmail”.

Gluten-free monitor by Whole Foods

gluten

What is it?

Back in 2011 consumers were shocked by a report indicating that most computer monitors contain wheat, which of course contains gluten. Whole Foods announced early this year that they wanted to expand their product offerings to include non-food items that would fit into their dedicated customers’ healthy lifestyles. They worked with Zenith to produce the world’s first gluten-free computer monitor.

Why didn’t it work?

Despite being warned not to attempt to eat the monitors, health nuts still attempted to, mostly due to the fact that the innards of each unit were flavoured to taste like chicken tikka masala.

Fax Machine by Xerox and JJ Abrams

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What is it?

The king of Hollywood reboots accepted the challenge from Xerox president Lolly Bave to reinvent the fax machine for the 21st century.

Why didn’t it work?

The biggest change Abrams made was replacing the classic high-pitched scream of the fax machine with the low, ominous hum of a large spacecraft crashing into Earth, like this:

Abrams also made the mistake of replacing the classic telephone handset that came standard with older machines with high-powered LED flashlight. The idea was to utilize the light in case of a deep paper jam, but with new technology already part of the unit, paper jams rarely occurred, rendering it useless.

Young Adult Printer

TR-Resized-Epson-AcuLaser-C3900DN-display copy

What is it?

A laser jet printer aimed at the young adults who made novels like Twilight a smashing success.

Why didn’t it work?

When printing the machine would emit a soft cry which elicited several 9-1-1 calls from concerned parents who thought their teens were not printing their books reports, but rather were on the verge of suicide. The printer’s display also provided daily messages to users pulled from some of the more popular titles. Xerox spent a reported six million dollars acquiring the rights to these quotes and was forced to use cheaper parts, making each unit’s lifespan a paltry three months.

Chipotle GrillPhone

burritophone

What is it?

A smartphone manufactured by Chipotle fresh Mexican grill.

Why didn’t it work?

The prospect of the Grillphone was met with much fanfare as consumers marvelled at its cheap price tag ($14.99) and impressive array of standard features. Things went awry when a scathing Wired article revealed that users would be met with a “deal of the day” option every time their phone was activated. If one was to accidentally press the unit’s logo button while on this screen their E-Sauce account (necessary to use the phone) would automatically charge $10.99 to their credit card and a burrito would be made available at the nearest location. Also, if the user didn’t respond within 15 seconds, the burrito would be ordered automatically. The apps were also limited and were mostly about tacos.

 

Movie pitch: Glennegades

Title:

GLENNEGADES

Log Line:

A Toronto Glenn recruits the world’s top Glenns to stop a sinister brigade of Daniels from taking full control of the ‘Glenn’ Wikipedia page… and the world.

Synopsis:

In the year 2016 the Planet Earth is undergoing massive changes. A new generation of Tylers and Ethans threaten the existence of the Daves and Jims of old while the Internet continues to distract the public from shadows that lurk beneath the everyday mundane.

One afternoon, hacker, DJ and scientist Glenn M. stumbles upon a subgroup of Daniels looking to systematically erase the history of humanity’s most powerful names, starting with the Glenns. Before he has time to roll his eyes and spit on his monitor, Glenn M.’s activity is tracked by Daniels’ security forces and thanks to a anonymous tip (ends up being his brother, Scott), he leaves his apartment before it’s ransacked and vandalized with old bandages and Daniel Day-Louis posters.

Glenn M. hacks an airplane and flies it to Scotland where his name originated, rendezvousing with a beautiful Glenn named Glenn. Using her skills as a master seductress and half-decent jogger, Glenn helps Glenn recruit a team of world-class Glenns to fight this new threat in order to save not only Glenns but every name we hold dear. Taking Glenn and his team of Glenns around the globe in an action-packed thrill ride, GLENNEGADES is sure to be this century’s best and most exciting piece of art.

If you’re interested in financing this project please leave a crystal tulip on my doorstep and I’ll get back to you. I already have my business partnerships team working on deals to get Glenn-themed fries at Wendy’s (they’re way shorter than regular fries and come with a new purple dip) and a Glenn fedora with his signature seagull feather at Big It Up locations nationwide.

My art department has whipped up some images that I feel brings the hype. As you can see my company and I are well-prepared to take this project out of the stratosphere and into the part of outer space where no one even knows what food is.

Are you ready for opening night?

glennegades

glennegades1

ESL Lesson 9P

Thanks for sitting in on this week’s ESL Lesson. There’s coffee and oatmeal thins at the back table. We’re wrapping up our unit on punctuation and today I’ll be showing the class how to use some of the more popular symbols. Our students are Ooba, Ponan, Jzererbov “Tommy” McKenzie, Stripes, Kerry and LoLoLoSo. Class, please introduce yourself to our guests utilizing last week’s lesson on common English slang:

Ooba: “Let’s be slaves together, dude”
Ponan: “Fuck on, what’s the life of yours?”
Tommy: “Right on, this man has everything”
Stripes: “What’s up, can we touch then laugh?”
Kerry: “I’ll have what you are having but more salt, please, excellent.”
LoLoLoSo: “This is no wig homie, can I have your smile?”

Yikes, better tighten up before the exam gang, I’m not joking.

Punctuation — Final Lesson

colon

colonThe colon is used when you need to say more after saying–or implying–that you’re going to say more. A “colon” is also the part of the body that determines the consistency of your poo.

Usage:

I used it up above. This isn’t an example sentence I’m actually telling you that I used it right before this paragraph. Shit, Kerry, read the part on paragraphs I don’t want to explain it again. Ooba, go easy on the coffee, I don’t want to have to call your son again.

Jip found some treasures in his uncle’s attic: lettuce, flags, binders full of graph paper and a creature who screamed.

I love all my neighbours except for Wintom: he cooks hair stew every night before bed and the smell wafts into my studio while I churn.

Exclamation Point

exclamationThe exclamation point is the fuckin party animal of puncuation and is used to show readers that you mean fuckin business.

Usage:

Holy shit!

I lost my fuckin talisman!

I’m going to fucking kill if you don’t stop watching me pray!

Period

periodPeriods are used to stop sentences. A “period” is also a measurement of time and a slang term for the time of month when un-pregnant women are physically reminded by the universe that they damn well should be pregnant.

Usage:

Stop this sentence now or I’ll eat your dog.

Don’t tickle my scab.

I sat on a dartboard yesterday and I felt like a dart. 

Question Mark

questionmark

Question marks are used to make your reader change the way she or he reads a sentence by adding an inflection that sounds like this:

Usage:

May I trade you my weasel for your jewels?

Are you grumpy because I peed in your canoe?

Was this cauldron really owned by Rhea Perlman?

Semicolon

semi

A semicolon is used to give sparkle to any sentence, or something along those lines.

Usage:

Some people like their meat cooked and brown; others like it sewn together to look like an inside-out cow.

The theatre I work at doesn’t have toilets; we poo in an old projector. 

When I go surfing I always bring extra rats to drown; rats hate surfing. 

Thanks for sitting in and be sure to grab a pamphlet regarding my class on Advanced Burping on your way out!

Embarrassing celebrity encounters

Reader Jake Zex’s embarrassing celebrity encounter is a bit longer than the usual “Ricki Lake barfed pickles at my church” type stories we feature, but it’s a good one regardless. Enjoy!

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My friend Jordem and I were at Goo Zoo in Chicago’s Wheat Sacking District, shooting the shit and discussing how expensive Goo Zoo’s signature shot, “the shit” is. My buddy kept nodding toward the Growing Pains pinball machine and muttering something about a guy who was “so plain”. I’m not one to to avert my gaze only to check out plains — I’m all about crazies, hair faces, nub noses and tit monsters so I ignored him.

At that point I was cross-eyed and drooling off several shots of shit, so my poisoned mind decided to reveal a big secret to Jordem, a secret I won’t fully reveal here but lets just say it involves a pumpkin-spiced bra. The bar was really loud at this point as DJ Cream Pie had started his set,  but Jordem appeared to understand the gist of the secret so I wrapped it up with an obligatory, “keep it on the DL”. He looked at me funny, glanced back toward the pinball machine then back to me and said “for real?”. I patted him on the back and told him not to quit his day job because I thought he was joking and the only people who joke are professional comedians who don’t need to work during the day because they work mostly at night in clubs. I then headed to the bathroom, danced all night with a Marine and his sister to Cream Pie’s Uptown Mega Mix and didn’t see Jord again until after the bar closed.

We ran into each other outside as Goo Zoo’s patrons were slowly filing onto the waiting barges. Jordem was drunker than King Henry after Merlin invented rum so I was scared that he had taken my advice seriously, quit his day job and celebrated by wasting all his remaining cash on spirits and olives. After asking how he afforded to get so drunk he gave me a strange look and told me that they were “on the DL”. I assumed he meant he was using my secret as currency and while I trade secrets for drinks and hats regularly, I do not trade those of my best friends, so I got mad and accused him of selling me out. At that moment, D.L. Hughley walked past wearing his signature “Brown Betty” leather jacket and Jordem asked me how I knew him and why I didn’t greet him with my usual cheek pinch and mint offering. I told him how despite my respect for the man’s career, I am not acquainted with D.L. Hughley in any way, shape or co-ed recreational sports team.  Jordem responded with, “then why did you have me charge my drinks to him?”.

Game changer.

My mind did one of those rewind things where I started to piece everything together and as a bonus I finally remembered the code to open my fridge, which I have no problem admitting was simply “ROT”. Apparently, Jordem had referred to D.L. earlier in the evening as “the Soul Plane guy” standing next to the pinball machine, which I didn’t figure out probably because of my policy on not checking out plains. Then, by revealing my secret I had inadvertently told Jord to keep drinks on the popular star in a classic case of misunderstanding.

I ran to D.L. and explained the whole scenario which he found hilarious while also revealing that Jordem had only bought one drink and some pretzel lasagna sliders which he was more than happy to take care of. I asked Jordem how he managed to get so plastered if D.L. only bought him one and he revealed that he was faking it because he hadn’t lied in awhile.

What your eye colour says about you

black

Black: Yes, master?

blue

Blue: Why don’t you tell me what your eyes say about you. That’s what you want, isn’t it?

green

Green: Oh get over yourself

white

White: I hate to ask, but can you contact my dead teacher and tell her that I was the one who farted?

red

Red: You’re uh, you’re beautiful! And uh, you can retract those claws now pretty girl, hehehehe, please?

hazel

Hazel: Typical middle child.

brown

Brown: If there’s poo in your eyes there’s probably poo in your pants

 

ESL Lesson 4B

My students today are Ooba, Una, El Jason, Robbie, Yugg and Candice. Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself by using last week’s lesson on creative greetings?

Ooba: Hello, I won’t eat you.
Una: Welcome to my talking phase. What’s next? I can go again.
El Jason: I’m not ill, may we lick?
Robbie: Hi there on today.
Yugg: Greetings, the weather is poo man and I am under poo man.
Candice: Hi, stare into my teeth and I will look into yours.

Ha, um, okay, definitely better than week one.

Today’s lesson: What is a ‘trailblazer’ and how do you use the term?

‘Trailblazer’ is a popular English term that has exactly five vastly different meanings. You’ll know how to use the term depending on the situation but don’t mess it up or the person you’re communicating with might explode*

*I’m not serious, but since giving the class these warnings I haven’t issued a grade under C+)

Meaning #1 –  A jacket traditionally worn when hunting or birdwatching

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Braidly models a trailblazer while hunting for compliments in the glennmacaulay.com photo studio

Using the term in a sentence:

I am going to the forest to look for toads but a dog pooed on my windbreaker. Do you have a trailblazer I can borrow?

My trailblazer has enough pockets for six pine cones and three snake eggs.

I wore my trailblazer to the pond and now it smells like ducks.

I glued moss, leaves and three nests to my upper body, but it’s no trailblazer.

Meaning #2 – An outdoorsy pothead

This trailblazer is wearing a trail blazer

This trailblazer is wearing a trailblazer

Using the term in a sentence:

I got lost in the woods, came across a trailblazer and got more lost.

That man licking the maple tree is likely a trailblazer.

Is that an owl in that tree? No, that is a trailblazer, hooting.

Hello, I am a trailblazer, may I eat some of your seeds?

Meaning #3 – An arsonist specializing in forest fires

hanks2

A typical trailblazer ignoring his own safety by not wearing a trailblazer. That kind of behaviour means he’s probably a weed-headed trailblazer.

Using the term in a sentence:

I used to burn down houses but they never had enough leaves. I am a trailblazer.

Our town no longer has any walnuts thanks to that trailblazer.

Don’t go into the woods today, a trailblazer built a tepee in there.

I didn’t know mud was flammable until I saw a trailblazer light some.

Meaning #4 – Clyde Drexler

A Trailblazer, not allowed to trailblaze due to the NBA’s drug policy. He’s also not allowed to trailblaze but who would? The forests of Portland are stunning.

Using the term in a sentence:

Clyde Drexler is a Trailblazer.

Meaning #5 – A Chevrolet automobile

The Trailblazer given to Clyde Drexler for being an exemplary Trailblazer.

Using the term in a sentence:

I wanted a Porsche for Sweet Sixteen but Daddy bought me a Trailblazer instead and now I hate my daddy.

I ran over a man in my Trailblazer then I rolled it into the lake to hide it.

There’s enough room in a Trailblazer for three couples to have sex.

The interior of my uncle’s old Trailblazer smells like rotten soap.

There will be a quiz on trailblazers next week. In the meantime, please study Chapter 17 where you’ll begin to learn how to ask for onion rings instead of fries at restaurants. Thank you students and thank you visitors for taking the time to observe our class. Having problems speaking English? Enroll! I promise you that El Jason doesn’t normally scream so much.

The Complete Liar’s Guide to Birthdays

The first entry in a new series called “The Liar’s Guide” is all about birthdays because everyone’s got one and because my birthday is coming up. Lying, sorry, but in a feature like this there’s bound to be a few. Lying. There’s only one lie, the one about the birthday. Lying. There are two lies now because I lied about the original lie. Lying. There are about three lies now but that would negate lie #2 so… uh… this is a great example of getting caught in what’s called a “web of lies”. I’m a great liar and my lies are web-free, leaving no feelings hurt and no need to back lies up with more lies or a phone call to your dad saying “if anyone asks, my middle name is Fuvv”.

The Liar’s Guide to… Birthdays

What to say when you receive a crummy gift

Photo Pillow case 1

“I’m sure I can turn this into a bra somehow”

“This looks tasty, I’m going to eat it”

“I’m not disappointed, but the charity I’m donating it to will be”

“Trick or treat, smell me Pete, do I smell like the kind of guy who would needs another copy of Rushmore? Ha, relax man, I’m kidding, I’ll use this one as prop in my next skit”


What to say when you don’t want to go to someone’s birthday party because you don’t like them or it sounds boring

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“Sorry, I only celebrate Christmas Eve.”

“If there’s a religion out there that doesn’t celebrate birthdays, that’s terrible, and I’m leaving right now to find them and take them down. So yeah, gonna have to miss your party.”

“I’m taking this drug that makes my ears drool if I so much as smell a cake.”

“Sorry, I have a haircut booked that day and if I cancel it I won’t be able to fit my Bart Simpson wig on the next day.”

“I poo a lot.”

“I gotta work that night and there’s no way I can switch shifts because I’m the only person who knows how to solve the onions.”

“Is it alright if I bring my sick rat?”

“I’ll come but the crew will have to come too. They’re filming a documentary about me and how I shed when I’m around other people.”


What to say when someone asks how old you are and you’re embarrassed to admit it

BP-Man-Woman

“It’s the 10th anniversary of my 20th birthday.”

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to ask my doctor that question.”

“Humans don’t have an expiry date, man”

“Dude, I got three email accounts, how old do you think I am?”

“In dog years I’m a Shetland Sheepdog”

“Why don’t you saw my arm off and count the rings?”

“Well, I’m still pretty wiggly”

“I don’t want to compromise my mission. Hey, buy a spy some fries, would you?”


How to react when the waiters sing a birthday song to you at a restaurant and you hate it

singing-happy-birthday

Simply barf


What to say to someone who forgets it’s your birthday when all you want to say is “I’m want to rip your fuckin’ eyes out”

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“It’s fine, for a few weeks I thought Remembrance Day was in a month called ‘Newvembo’.”

“Kidding, my birthday isn’t for another 15 months.”

“No problem, why don’t we go to The Bay and I can pick something out for myself that you can pay for.”

“I expect you to be at my door Christmas morning with a ham and some diamonds.”

“I guarantee Jeremy Jackson forgets David Charvet’s birthday and they can’t even afford presents for each other.”