Fruit Chute

Wonderful! That alarm means that the Fruit Chute is armed and ready to bring us the bounty of the summer season.

The Fruit Chute is a mysterious machine that some believe is one of the lost talismans of David Blaine. My former master found it in his mom’s garage while looking for a baseball card that he claimed had a swear word printed in the place of the player’s name. I’ve got the Internet and I still haven’t found mention of the misprinted card so I suspect he was lying to cover up the fact that he was living in his mom’s garage at the time.

He installed the Chute it in our office where it remains today, churning out delicious fruits that all smell like clay (they taste good).

Untitled-1We haven’t had a fruit come down the chute since the last of the nectarines back in August. Oh, it’s starting up! The machine sounds like this when it gets going:

And out of the purple vapour comes today’s fruit…

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I don’t know what fruit this is. It smells like clay so it’s definitely from the Chute but it doesn’t look like anything I’ve ever chomped on. I don’t see a stem but it has the structural integrity of an unripened plum. I’ve never had a reason to mistrust the Chute so I’ll take a bite.

Hey, this is Russell, Glenn’s assistant. After he ate the fruit he started getting zits on his eyes so we rushed him to the hospital where they pumped his stomach to find this:

Glenn’s doing fine now but the creature is demanding we pay for food and accommodations while he sorts out what dimension he’s in. Legally that’s all we can say right now. Thanks for reading!

The Simpsons audition

The NFL’s most questionable suspensions

In the wake of Tom Brady’s suspension over bad footballs, we take a look back at some of the National Football League’s most memorable acts of discipline:

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Don Beebe: 3 games and a$5,000 fine for scrawling “Don’s Room KEEP OUT” on the inside of his locker

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Flipper Anderson: 1 game for promoting AM radio on FM radio

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Brian Bosworth: 5 games for drawing eyes on his shoelaces and making them look like little snakes.

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Mark Brunell: 2 games and a $2300 fine for changing all the clocks in the locker room behind an hour so he’d have enough time to buy a “sorry I tried on your wedding dress” cake for his wife.

Mark Duper: 1 playoff game for signing an endorsement deal with Iams using the blood of his neighbour’s cat

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Kordell Stewart: 7 games for clicking a pen while his son watched E.T. after Kordell got upset that he wasn’t able to watch a circus documentary he had heard about.

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Joe Thiesmann: 3 games for leading off a pre-game prayer with “God, I know you’re busy trying to find me a Scottish version of Fran Drescher, but…”

Charles Woodson: 5 games for pickling his mouth guard in a brine that didn’t include mustard seed.

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Ronnie Lott: 1 game for building a nest in the weight room using unauthorized yarn.

Brett Favre: 4 games for taking grass from Solider Field and sprinkling it on his voodoo field at home

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Josh Brown: 9 games for designing his autograph so that if flipped upside down, it spells out “I’M NOT DUMB YOU ARE”

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Dwayne Bowe: 5 games for not seeking league permission in licensing his line of headphones that look like protective cups.

 

Proper essay structure

I recently completed a rigorous semester of study at the University of School, and although I maintained a ‘P’ average I wish I had’ve known how to write a proper essay before getting there.

To help out future students I’ve created a simple diagram that should help to guide you through your first essay. Thank you so much.
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New music video

I made a music video for the latest track from my heavy metal side project, “Unlimited Bullets”. What have you made lately? If this were the year 1600, you’d say “bread” no matter what.

420 Snak Pak, 2015

As is customary on glennmacaulay.com, we’d like to help you on your 4/20 flight  with our traditional 4/20 snak pak. Enjoy the words, sounds, fonts, thoughts and colours that we’ve sewn together to create a tapestry that will guide you through your trip to the sky and beyond. Roll up that dried lettuce and find a comfortable table because it’s time open the doors and let the tide roll in. To you, traveler, we say… good luck… good food… good vibes… good waves… goodness gracious.

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Sound is the child of the brain’s tongue. Before you ignite, taste the inside of all possibilities with this tone-setting track:

Step 1 – Inh@le

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There is no diagram to the human spirit. Find your spirit by looking into the marble mirror. Ask the questions. Get the answers. Deny the answers. Ask the answers.

Step 3 – Exhale

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If we cannot define matter then how do we know its name? All astral beings are privy to the riddles of our dreams.

 Step 1 – Search your mind

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Do you see your bridge? Don’t just jump into the sea of possibility, do flips into it and dry off with the stars.

 Step – Breath with your brain

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If all life breaths the same air then the air is not special. What is special is what you do with your air. Sex is existence. 

 Stepp 8 – Appreciate all creatures

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WE ARE ALL ALL OF THE ABOVE, ABOVE AND BEYOND OUR DIFFERENCES

Stet 1 – NUDITY

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A mask hides truth but what happens when the mask is the truth? Seek the prism, deny the sea ahead.

 STeps – Your place in the universe

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We are each a moon because we each have light. Never trust your own gravity.

 Step 8 – Harvey’s

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Harvey’s stuffed cheeseburger is back for a limited time. We take Harvey’s classic patty and stuff it to the gills with fresh Ontario cheddar. Get yours now before it’s too late and have a great April 20th!!

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33rd birthday

Turning 33 isn’t a big milestone unless you’re a pagan priest, and since I denounced my oaths three years ago after my congregation tried to turn me into a crow, I don’t have much to celebrate today. Do you? Here’s a gift:

Last year I brought you the wildly entertaining Birthday Ultra Multi-Pak and this year I thought I’d simplify by providing some highlights of my life so far. Happy birthday to me and to everyone celebrating a birthday this year. Keep your tongue moist and your belly button open and ready, it’s 2015!

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  • Cried when I realized I wasn’t a dolphin

  • Laughed at a lot of stupid, banal shit like my dad scratching his arm

  • Made my older sister question her own existence

  • Gave extended family something to compare their own sons to

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  • Cried when I realized I wasn’t good at skateboarding

  • Added a new bodily fluid to my repertoire and I’m not talkin’ snot

  • Saw Pulp Fiction

  • Got a wallet

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  • Cried when I realized people are better than me

  • Asked for bowls for my birthday

  • Didn’t get chills at the sight of my Christmas stocking

  • Started chewing gum for fresh breath instead of for the look

Bonus: what I’ve learned in 33 years

Always trust someone with the same shoes as you

Never travel without a few extra jars in your pack

When kissing, lead with your teeth

Don’t call anyone a “freak” unless they speak another language

New song about blue jays

Lyrics

Step to the plate, hit a homerun
fly to the park, peck at a bun
doesn’t matter if you’re a bird or a man
Toronto loves you like no one can

BLue jays the team don’t live in no tree
blue jays the birds fly proud and fly free
Blue jays the team don’t have no feathers
Blue jays the birds always fly together

9 men out there, ready to play
9 birds out there, a viper’s prey
Bats and balls for the human jays
Rats and worms for the bird blue jays

They both want food, they both want water
They both love grass and weather that’s hotter
They both wear blue and they both love seeds
Blue Jays are what Toronto needs

My favourite blue jay is a tweeter named Lisa
My favourite blue jay is jose bautista
one is rich, the other don’t have money
Both live here and love the taste of honey

9 men out there, ready to play
9 birds out there, a viper’s prey
Bats and balls for the human jays
Rats and worms for the bird blue jays

Farmer’s Almanac: Spring 2015

I wasn’t asked to write this season’s Farmer’s Almanac but I did it anyway in case they scout the blog scene for new talent come winter. 


Farmer’s Almanac

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There should be some warm weather coming soon so don’t plant anything that needs to be cold. I know that if I leave strawberries out too long they get really gross so maybe don’t  plant strawberry trees until Halloween. 

By the way, what’s it like to be so dependent on the weather? Does it blow your mind that normal people use the forecast to plan vacations and make sure their daughter’s soccer game won’t get canceled? I guess it evens out because you guys probably don’t stress as much about social media as we do. Just as we have romantic notions of the carefree farmer chewing corn on his barn’s roof and watching a gentle rain storm slowly pass by, you picture us in front of a computer screen full of news and information, and a chat window connected to wide-eyed Brit who wants to know more about our pancakes.  


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I’m not sure why you need to know this–the sky has been the fuckin same since the universe was invented. If you’re scared that a full moon is going to mess with your parsley then you’re no different than the caveman who thought the moon was his wife.

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Where do farmers go for fashion inspiration? Church and whatever colour a pig’s blood is.

How does a teenage farm boy practice kissing? By licking stamps used on letters begging girls to come visit.

What’s the difference between a farmer and a homeless person? A homeless person begs for change while a farmer wants everything to same the same even though we have greenhouses and the Internet now.

Why did the farmer let the pie cool on his windowsill? Because he doesn’t have air conditioning.

How many farmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to screw it in, another to go on and on about how the sun is better.

A farmer, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest tells the other two, “god bless this nice weather”, the rabbi raises his glass and says “mazel tov” and the farmer goes “that reminds me, I gotta go shovel some cow shit”.


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Gardening is a miniature version of farming so if you’re a farmer and you don’t know how to garden then get the fuck off the field. Telling a farmer how to garden is like telling a firefighter how to light a cigarette.

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The city is a different place these days. If you want to get a haircut in the city you’ll have to go see a guy with tattoos and a beard who mounts skateboards to the wall, and no one knows why. 

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There’s nothing like spring’s first beef dinner and while you’re busy sharpening your killing scythe, it would be a good time for a refresher on proper gutting.

Step 1

Force the cow’s head underwater until it stops mooing.

Step 2

Make a lengthwise incision from the cow’s neck to its tail

Step 3

Drain the cow’s milk, filtering out any bits of horn.

Step 4

Rip out all the stuff in the cow that isn’t beef.

Step 5

Throw out everything that isn’t beef into the duck pond but save the bones and try selling them to a trinket maker.

Step 6

Have dinner with your favourite friends.