GLENN W. MACAULAY

When Bin Laden got the old “heave ho” from Uncle Sam and the Gun Dudes, I was relieved, and also optimistic that the world would change for the better. But it was the kind of hope you get when your stomach hurts and when you sit down for a toilet session you’re hoping for a in and out solid-logger when in the back of your butt you know it’s going to be chocolate waterfall.

Imagine my surprise then, when after 10 years, the good folks down at Piggy’s Crumpets re-opened their factory doors to the public! I hear the Baron is going to release the much anticipated “Whole Wheat” crumpet during the exclusive first-look tour in July. Even though I didn’t find a Golden Pencil in one of their multi-packs and thus won’t be attending the tour, I’m excited that a new generation of lucky children will be able to experience the wonder of the Piggy’s factory in downtown Poland. If I hadn’t been on one of these tours way back in ’96 I would’ve never learned how to barf through my nose.

It’s been just over a month since I reminded the world that I was born on April 8th. Where the hell have I been? More like, Where the hell have I BIN?!

I had the pleasure of acting as wig master for the Navy Seals Six team that took down Osama “The Afghan Pug” Bin Laden. Such a dangerous, covert operation takes several hours and thousands of wigs to pull off. If a blonde man were to step foot within 50 feet of Bin Laden’s compound he would’ve been identified as “American: As Apple Pie” by Bin Laden’s Reptile Guards quicker than you can microwave a pussy willow.

Anyway, glad I was a part of it. Here’s a rare pic of the team in full disguise just before eating their last spaghetti meal before the big kill. Special shout out to the makeup team — Bick Dickle, Ryan Circles and the lovely Ms. Legs.

It’s the 10th anniversary of my 19th birthday. I’ll raise a glass of soup to that!

I got a lucrative gig designing a new line of souvenir shirts for wildly popular restaurant chain “Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.”, a restaurant based on a movie about a lucky idiot. The following will be available in Bubba Gump giftshops and selected Sunoco Gas Bars this June.

Whether you’re big, small, a restaurant or a mall, you gotta love the Internet and all of its wonderful self-publishing tools. Heck, what you’re reading now is courtesy of the whiz-men of WordPress.com.

With this in mind, I started a new “Tumblr” page that features pictures of still frames from the TV. I usually capture these when I’m watching a show and I pause it to go see if I have any pickles left in the pot, and I happen to catch a funny freeze frame. Other times I pause on funny faces or weird ears, you know, stuff like that.

If I ever train hard enough to win an Academy Award, the above will be my speech.

Here’s a “screen hat” of a certain someone named me, enjoying a browse around “Screen Hats”, my new Tumblr page:

Hi fans! How are you? I am fine.

If you’re in the Greater Toronto area enjoying our steakhouses and various David’s Tea locations, why not come and check out this play I’m in? You have nothing to lose but 2 hours and $15.

If you’re traveling back in time this week, bring back some hand sanitizer and when you get back to the future you’ll probably have more brothers and sisters. Bigger family means more presents. It also means that if a different guy from the future travels back in time to our age and brings with him something that will spark a worldwide clan war, your clan will be bigger and stronger because you sanitized early, ensuring a large and healthy brood.

This is a visual aid in case you came from the past and don’t know what hand sanitizer is. It’s actually a great product that’s statistically lowering the rate of influenza across the Universe. It was first developed as a replacement for jams and jellies, but researchers found it was poison and didn’t taste good on toast. You can find it at your local drug store or your grocer’s freezer.

If the Empire ever got its greasy hands on the mighty Chewbacca and tortured him by shaving his whole body, he would look exactly like Pixar wunderkind, Pete Docter:

Your Advent chocolate for the first day of December looks like this:

And it tastes like this:

A fitting start to the month that contains the “Radical” Holiday.

With Halloween behind us, it’s that time of year to start planning our Remembrance Day feasts. This year I’m thinking of serving roasted kale with an oak leaf salsa. I hate how the stores put up all their Remembrance Day stuff like, RIGHT AFTER Halloween. Give us some breathing room retailers! But I can’t resist. I bought some poppy socks and a cool Flanders Fields tote bag, designed by Margret Atwood for ROOTS.

Hey, if you’re on the Internet, check out the new GONG THE SHOW website made by our pal Geoff Lapaire — www.gongtheshow.com.

Check out my Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn costume. This demonstrates my attention to detail and dedication to the job, potential employers.