An American Thanksgiving in Paris, ON

“My penis is alll dark meat”

I think today is American Thanksgiving. There’s been a lot of rumblings on the Internet but no concrete confirmation, and I don’t want to Goog it because they already have plenty of money. Our Canadian Thanksgiving only lasts one day while yours appears to last two weeks and consists not only of turkey and beans, but shopping, Christmas, football and cable news as well. Ours focuses more on the house you grew up in, and if you didn’t grow up in a good house it’s probably about going to the house of the friends who has the best furnace.

Your Thanksgiving is a gateway to Christmas while ours is a gateway to your Halloween. We’re just fine with that because having a post-Halloween ‘giving means your heads are full of spooks and your teeth are rotten from the big sugar bags you receive during the candy hunt.

We prefer to have a nice, wide-open November where we’re free to do whatever we want during the month Week Magazine deemed “Shittiest To Live In Next To March”. Some families create their own November holiday to make up for it. Some examples include:

Crunchy Day
A Nova Scotian tradition where families cram as many dead leaves in the toilet as possible.

First Snow
We eat snow and save some in the freezer to do pranks at the water park once summer hits.

Remembrance Day
Only government workers get the day off on Remembrance Day so some families like to call in sick a couple weeks later for a proper day off. They can do any kind of remembering they want but most families opt for Lord of the Rings on Blu Ray and a nice hot dog lasagna.

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