Mother Earth doesn’t give a flying fuck about what day of the week it is but we need to know so that we don’t order the wrong sub. At least the current system gives us two treats a week in the form of Saturday and Sunday, not Sadder Day and Sun Day (sun can be good but yeah right there’s no aliens hiding behind it). In this feature we remind you about the wonders that exist only on weekends, not unlike the lush vegetation and tropical fruit flavours that exist only in places that aren’t shitty.
Dancin’
There’s this crazy new dance going around where you grab your partner by the chin, stare into their eyes and see if they’re lying. You can dance on a weekday but don’t be surprised if the next day your boss takes your swollen knees as an invitation to touch you.
Drinkin’
Most drinks aren’t for the pure pleasure of taste, they all perform a function whether you like it or not. Here’s a rhyme to help you remember
Water makes you live
Beer makes you funny
Milk makes you strong
Juice costs money
Sleepin’
There’s no “right” way to sleep unless you’re a champion, which of course I’ve never purported to be. If sleeping is anything like skateboarding then its Tony Hawk is the first caveman to wrap himself in the dead bodies he decided not to eat. If sleeping is anything like skateboarding then in two thousand years everybody will be shredding at night and on weekends they’ll do it a bit longer and go have a big breakfast (dinner) after.
A bed can be anything you want it to be as long as you sleep on it. 65% of North American adults associate their beds with the uhh, you know… the “first stage of pregnancy”, completely ignorant of the fact that the rest of the developed world makes their sex in the river. Don’t be scared to get more comfortable on the weekends. Our household has different pillows and blankies for every day of the week :
Monday: Pillow is guitar gig bag filled with old egg cartons. Blanket is whatever you can find during rush hour scavenge. It’s hard, especially in the winter. This week all I found was organics so I instead used two suitcases I was planning on throwing out (still counts) because they were too big to make shoes out of.
Tuesday: Pillow is a bowl filled with cake. Blanket is musty sleeping bag that my dad might’ve done weird things in.
Wednesday: Pillow is pool noodle sculpture (now we’re talking). Blanket is ironing board cover (pre-warmed from ironing Saturday’s blanket).
Thursday: Pillow is doggy tent. Blanket is dogs.
Friday: Pillow is regular pillow. Blanket is aluminum foil with saran wrap liner for feel of silk.
Saturday: Pillow is nine pillows in custom cases made from quirky pyjamas from the nineties. Blanket is quilt made from catholic school girl kilts, don’t worry, not gross, never been worn, just weird sizes.
Sunday: Pillow is child’s bed, blanket is old parachute that was stuck in a palm tree, smells like coconuts, a bit of blood from dead skydiver but worth a lot because skydiver was rich man who owned the island he splattered on, international news, 1986.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 