I’m known around the prairies as a happy guy who doesn’t seem to let things bother him. One reason for this is because of my gold, but the other is that I have the ability to look on the bright side of shit, rather than the shit side of things. I asked readers to submit problems that they just can’t seem to look positively upon so that I might be able to help using my bright outlook on life.
The Bright Side
Kicky from Sudbury asks: Please, what’s the bright side of having zits?
Come on, seriously? I can tell you how despite popular opinion, not loving watermelon isn’t that bad, opening a door to the world of pineapples, but don’t expect me to solve the fuckin’ DaVinci Code. I guess my best advice is to go to the drug store for creams and pray that crackers are on sale.
Nil from Montreal asks: Tell me there’s a positive to having all these warts!
Fuck, I don’t know, I’ve had a few warts in my day and they ain’t exactly “boob magnets” you know? Ummm, they’re like… uhhh, at least your body works if you can make them, right? Never heard of a dead guy growing warts!
Bebb from Kelowna wonders: How can I mentally deal with hair in bad places?
What, like pubes? Sorry, you’re going to have to be more specific. I’m losing my hair so you won’t get much sympathy from me. If you don’t like it, go back in time to before you were born and tell your mother to have sex with some guy who’s not your hairy dad. That’s a bright side, right? Time travel? Pretty fun?
I should’ve screened these before. Look, some shit in this world sucks really bad but you always have to imagine someone who’s way worse off than you. I like to create really awful characters in my head then assign them little poems that I can easily recall when I’m feeling bad. Here’s an example based on the issues you submitted:
Name: Don Penis
Eye Colour: Rat Red
Parents: Can’t cook
All my zits have warts, all my warts have hair
All the stains are brown in my underwear
Next time you’re feeling down, just imagine Don Penis and how bad it is for her.