I may seem like a cocky, muscle-dicked, big brain who can handle anything thrown my way including all types of sports balls, ringed knuckles belonging to veteran punch givers and the eager lips of the world’s most exotic women, but the truth is I’m a scaredy boy who has never felt comfortable leaving the 50 km radius around mommy and daddy’s.
Living in the comedy world means there’s always the threat that some fellow joker will try goading me into a comedy roast, where an individual is purposely subjected to verbal abuse from his or her peers. No thanks! I’d rather spend an afternoon discussing the cast of Glee with a heavy smoker who is known for unpredictable, strong hugs and who brings celery sandwiches with no sauce to our little date.
In case anyone ever wants to roast me, I’d like to be able to say “Sorry, already been roasted”, which is why I’ve prepped this blog post. Here are some burns I’ve come up with that should eliminate the need for anyone to ever be mean to me, a concept so scary that I’ve written this while cowering in the linen closet.
Glenn has lost so much hair that child protective services is trying to find a foster home for his pubes.
I’m a big fan of Glenn’s acting, especially when one of his legs played a wand in the first Harry Potter movie.
Glenn’s wonderful parents are here tonight, which surprised a lot of us because we all assumed he was created after Jay Baruchel fucked a broomstick.
Surprisingly, the only things that aren’t straight about Glenn are his teeth and the facts surrounding every award he’s ever won.
I went into the bathroom after Glenn had taken a shit all I could smell was rotten french fries and soy sauce.
They say it’s impossible for someone to be “too nice” but I once saw Glenn ask a bully out on a date after the bully pissed in his shoes.
Glenn’s not very good at math but he can tell you that his toenails are longer than the circumference of his wrist.
Glenn is so dumb that when a girl asks if he wants head he says “Yes please, my head is tiny”.
Glenn is so impatient that diarrhea thrills him.
If Glenn put as much effort into school as he has researching how to properly wipe his butt, he might not live above a restaurant and own a bike his father-in-law found in the trash.
Glenn’s stubble is like a pile of manure – it looks like dirt and it smells like shit.
Glenn is like skim milk – white, fat free and if you blow him bubbles start coming out of his mouth
GLENN W. MACAULAY 
