Traveling can be a stressful experience, especially for those of us who are scared of everything. A smart traveler should eliminate as many controllable stresses as possible to leave their brain open to handle the unexpected, like having to sit beside a guy covered in moss.
In my experience, packing is one such stress that is easily combated. Here are three tried and true travel tips for travel trips that’ll nip stress in the hip.
Tip 1: Denim Blend
Everybody loves denim because it looks good, tastes good and is good. Unfortunately it’s the heaviest fabric in North America so packing a couple pairs of your favourite blues can lead to a lame load. Here’s a simple way to take your jeans with you without all the heavy lifting:
Step 1: Add your denim to a blender or food processor with a splash of coconut milk and a pinch of cardamom. Place in resealable bottle or container.
Step 2: Before hitting airport security, drink your jeans and enjoy the tropical, aromatic flavour.
Step 3: Upon arrival at your destination, visit a kitchen supply store and purchase a simple pants mould.
Step 4: Regurgitate and/or defecate your jeans mixture at earliest opportunity and pour contents into the mold
Step 5: Bake mould at 350 degrees for one hour or until jeans are golden blue.
Step 6: Remove from mould and try them on!
Tip 2: Towel Roll
You’re not always going to stay at a proper hotel when traveling so sometimes you’ll have to pack your own towels. Hear’s a surefire method to keep your towel load light and lovable:
Step 1: Roll your towels as tightly as possible.
Step 2: Prior to leaving for the airport, bus hut or train barn, smoke your towels right down to the nub.
Step 3: Upon arrival, seek the local shaman and request a smokening. The standard rate for such a ceremony is usually around seven euro. The shaman will extract the spirit of your towels from your lungs and force it to orbit around you until needed.
Step 4: Shower, swim, dip, soak, sweat–go ahead, live the wet life. Once sopping, the spirit of your towel should dry your body so long as the shaman successfully bound it to your essence.
Tip 3: Diapers
Author Douglas Adams famously declared the aforementioned towel as the most important travel accessory in his masterwork, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. While I don’t disagree on the merits of a towel, the fact remains that they are a nuisance to pack. If you’re only going to pack one item on your next vacation, choose diapers instead.
Diapers can act as a bathing suit, underpants, a towel, a beach hat, a weapon against local crooks provided you fill it with poo first, knee pads, a bandage, shoes, socks, a rat trap and a reasonable canvas for autographs in case you run into any celebs during your trip.
An insightful traveler tries his hand at winemaking in the Bordeaux region of France.
Got any travel tips? Let me know in the comments and maybe I’ll steal your user name for use on my next child!
GLENN W. MACAULAY 