How To Lucid Dream

Dreams are little movies your brain makes while you’re asleep–they’re always rated R, they always star you, and their budgets are always at least $200,000,000 so you don’t even have to worry about that.

Scientists say we dream because we all love movies, while philosophers believe that there is a screenplay in all of us just waiting to get out to the silver screen. The ones who are able to get them onto the page and into the hands of Hollywood’s power players achieve a level of enlightenment akin to that of the farmer realizing his own dung is the ideal fertilizer for figs.

Dreams remind us we’re alive when we’re pretending to be dead.

A small portion of the population, and every single eel, is able to control their dreams in an act known as “lucid dreaming”. It’s really useful if you don’t like being alive and are frustrated you can’t fly or roll around in fields of butter.

The bad news is that humans can’t breathe underwater, but the good news is that lucid dreaming can be learned. Here are some tips I copied off the hand of some guy I saw sleeping on the subway who would periodically wake to check his notes, only to go back to sleep. I knew it was working because he kept licking his lips.


The day you decide to begin your training, chew gum with your eyes. You’ll need to wear shades all day so that people don’t think you’re blinking Morse code at them. I once got hit on by a dude who thought I was blinking him a secret recipe for Fruit Roll-Ups that didn’t even require a food dehydrator.

By doing this your eyes will be so mad at you at the end of the day that they will close and refuse to let you see anything. Since blindness is required for a good night’s sleep, it works out quite well.

Before you even begin to think about meltin’ into your mattress, tape a sign on the ceiling above your bed that reads, “Get back in there!”

Here’s the most important part: Before bed, take a rat and dangle it over the toilet. Concentrate and remember the rat’s reaction–hold onto the feeling you have while watching it squirm. Keep the rat in a cage next to your bed. If you suddenly wake up during a lucid dream and can’t tell if you’re still dreaming or not, try to use your dream powers to explode the rat or to turn it into a stack of pancakes, whatever you want. If it doesn’t work then chances are you’re back to real life. But just to be sure, take the rat out and dangle it over the toilet and if the feelings match those from earlier, you’re awake.


Follow your preparation routine for at least a week until you dream consistently, or until you’ve got so good at eye chewing that your eyes can blow bubbles that form gum sunglasses. Keep a journal of your dreams and have a professional illustrate them–give the collection a zippy title and distribute via mail order or zine fair.

The first thing you’ll want to do when you finally realize you have control of your dream is summon a doctor to give you a new nose and stuff like that. But don’t even bother because it’s easier to turn yourself into a doctor and then do it yourself. Besides, you have learning to do.

Conjure up a school and enrol yourself in Advanced Lucid Dreaming. Don’t take short cuts. You’ll need to attend your school for a total of 24 semesters where you’ll learn everything you need to know to be a reliable lucid dreamer. You can have some fun though. Give your school any name you want. Mine is called “St. Poison’s School for the Fuckers”. You don’t even have to sit at a desk or anything, go ahead and made a throne or a couch, I don’t care.

The most important thing to remember while you toil away at school is that if you find yourself being taught be a real teacher from your past, immediately kill that teacher. This is your way of telling your brain to unlearn everything and start learning to take control of dreams.

Cool Down:

It’s very easy to get addicted to lucid dreaming. During your waking hours you’ll have to remind yourself that real life ain’t that bad, otherwise you’ll spend your day trying to snooze. It’s not that difficult. Have sex with something once a day and go the buffet whenever possible.

If you’ve already read this post and have successfully become a lucid dreamer then maybe you’re dreaming right now. And maybe you’re me, sitting at a desk and typing at a keyboard while straining the brain for tips on how to lucid dream knowing full well that the information is dangerous if it were to fall into the wrong hands….


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