I haven’t culture-jammed anything since I wrote “Lisa Simpson Was Here” on the mirror of the men’s bathroom at my local library back in ’98. I’ve taken a much more laid back approach to anarchy in the years since, performing simple acts of defiance like ordering extra pickles on my Whopper and putting them under the legs of Burger King chairs to make them wiggle less. Lately though my brain hasn’t been able to process all the bullshit we Canadians face on a daily basis so I dusted off my gas mask that has funny eyebrows painted on it, and got back to some good old fashioned social justice.
Here are some famous modern company logos that I’ve expertly doctored to reflect what they’re actually about. Please send to Harper, Wynne and any other politician that you might have on Instagram and let’s stop fascism once and for all.
Product: Red cars
Reason: Ferrari refused to allow an upstart South Asian sari manufacturer the rights to their signature “Ferrari Red” colour for use on a line of racing-inspired saris. Colour is NOT property!!
Product: TV shows
Reason: Eminem represents everything that CNN is NOT!! He is TRUTH, he is FAIRNESS.
Product: Computer movies
Reason: The Shrek series of films have grossed billions of dollars worldwide. Its title character is supposedly an ogre but anyone with an education knows that the ogre is a representation of Lucifer, who lives in Hell, which is also called Heck, which rhymes with “Shrek”. Look BEHIND the mirror and you will only see ugliness.
Company: In-N-Out Burger
Product: Hamburgers and drinks
Post-Jam: Sin-N-Doubt Burger
Reason: This chain encourages the sin of gluttony and forces its customers to doubt the quality of competitors because of their own high standards. Is there justice on an uneven playing field? Ask your government.
Product: Shoes and bodywear
Reason: Last year during “Take You Kid To Work Day” only half of the teenage participants were able to secure a strudel during a designated lunch period at adidas HQ. “Dad Feed Us” indeed. Questionable ethics from a company that’s already anti-nudity.
Reason: Yahoo’s search engine got pretty shitty, eh?
Reason: Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has dressed as Al Capone the last six Halloweens. Capone was an “ace crook” and Zuckerberg has been robbing his friends and colleagues of an original Halloween for too long. #FightForCreativity
Reason: The wallets of computer companies get thickr while film companies die a quiet death. Who gets charged for the murder? Nobody.
Company: Red Bull
Post-Jam: Bed Hole
Reason: Bed profits are in the hole after Red Bull drinks keep the first world wide awake. Follow the money…
Reason: Streetwear company Surpreme throws huge VIP parties presided over by the world’s top bands and DJs. Rather than use the steam trapped in party-goers clothes and undergarments to power the venue’s lights and sound, they allow it to evaporate. Reduce. Re-use. Re-psychos.
Company: Under Armour
Product: Tight Skins
Post-Jam: Under Arrest
Reason: These clothes help robbers stay cool during heists. What IS crime??
Product: Computer games
Reason: A new study showed that those who have a Twitter account stay on the toilet 15% longer than those without, lowering productivity worldwide. This ain’t your father’s mind control…