Self-help Saturday (Friday special)

Blame video games

I’ve had my share of problems in life; everything from broken bones to toad shortages and beyond. It would be ludicrous for my to bottle up my signature coping methods and keep them in my basement along with a trunk my grandfather left me that screams every 13th night. I’d look inside but it’s way too sticky.

I’m now 31 years old, which is almost halfway to being able to buy tweed without feeling like Sherlock Holmes’ clingy nephew. I feel that I have enough life experience that it would be worthwhile to try to help you with your problems. What’s on your mind today?

Is it your relationship?

As long as you look good nude, don’t worry. Every other problem can be solved with a pitcher of iced tea and a plate of realistic dolls. The dolls are for role playing and the iced tea is for refreshment and to provide a neutral topic of discussion. If one of you is from Kentucky, this won’t work–use decaffeinated coffee instead. Whatever man, I’m married so I don’t really care and no one gave me advice so if you don’t like what I’m selling then get off the train, onto the raft and to the island full of tarantulas and really ugly flowers.

Are you worried about school or a test at school?

Chances are your teacher does not give a shit about anything you do. All they care about is vacation and something called “planning time”. No one told me what to do at school and here I am, still crisping up bacon and keeping my shoelaces knotted to slightly resemble the letters “G” and “M”. You think I was taught that shit? Nah son, I taught myself using nothing but a length of twine and a papaya. I could’ve used my shoe but no one taught me anything about teaching yourself things.

Do you feel that you’re not where you want to be in life?

Who cares? When I feel shitty I think about how months, days and years are were made up by farmers to make sure their wheat didn’t get old. When I separate life from that stuff I feel better, but the downside is that it makes Christmas feel like no big deal. Speaking of which, it’s not like I got a new watch for Christmas–I mean, how much are they, like fifty bucks? It’s not like I asked for a talking gold watch with fuckin’ built-in diamond detectors, did I?

This is how rich people tell time

Did you lose something special to you?

The worst thing I’ve ever lost is my wallet and I got it back not soon after I lost it. The point is, if you lose something it’s your fault unless you mean like, you lost your father, which isn’t your fault unless you were the one who got him addicted to toothpaste.

Do your friends read your advice and never reciprocate?

You should really care about this and take it to heart. I know this writer who wrote a new blog almost every day, each one filled with advice and in-depth reviews of famous clan tartans and his friends didn’t give him shit back. I mean this guy pumped out some truly outrageous life chunks and no one even told him how to do it in the first place.

BONUS

Did you spill vegetable oil all over your stove because you’re not good at pouring things and taking your time?

I did! Ahahaha, little joke at the end, you know? I’ll be back next week with a detailed account of my weekend showers. Chances are they’ll be warm and long.