My part of the planet is very cold right now, which is bad because none of us can film our baseball movies and good because we have an excuse as to why there aren’t any fresh from the garden tomatoes in our marinaras. If you live within the effected area you’ve probably heard friends, co-workers and enchanted birds make crack after joke about the cold — you know the ones:
Why do they call them “snow pants”? They’re aren’t made of snow or denim.
I’m as chilly as a whore in Mystic River, the river not the movie
Hey baby, there’s icicles on my dick so it’s even more dangerous than usual.
If you’re sick of these or you’ve been too bashful to participate or don’t know how to write a proper seasonal poo-em, here are some of my leftovers that are free to you as long as you come to my birthday in April. As a courtesy I give detailed instructions as to when and where to use these frozen zings, so please follow directions carefully or you might end up telling a cop that his nippies are harder than an ice maze’s wall.
Funny sounding winter wear that isn’t real
Use in a department store or snowboard ramp
Funny New Year’s Resolution you can use when someone asks you what yours is
Use at the office or at a wedding
My resolution is to wear the butt muffs my grandma knit me, start smoking and start knitting my own butt muffs.
Funny answer you can give someone who asks if it’s still cold out when it obviously is
Use at the office, sporting events or to make your spouse look like a fuckin’ fool.
I still got my butt muffs on, don’t I? *pulls down pants* I know it looks like I’m wearing a hairy half diaper, but these are my butt muffs.
Joke to use when ordering a hot drink
Use at the coffee brewer, an outdoor skating rink or a castle
I’ll take a large hot chocolate, and nothing for my butt muffs. What? No, they’re under my pants. They’re like a diaper but there’s no front part. Actually, I’ll take a hot cider for the muffs only because you’re pissing me off so bad.
Joke to use when ordering butt muffs
Use at Muffles, What’s Butt or Canadian Tire
“Do you have any tropical prints? Hahahaha, I know, I know, it was a joke. I’ll take the yellow corduroy”
Joke to use when store doesn’t carry butt muffs
Use at Banana Republic, Sears, American Eagle, Eddie Bauer, lululemon, GAP, Aldo Shoes, adidas store, Foot Locker, Loblaws and Dollarama.
“You don’t carry butt muffs? If I wanted cold cheeks I’d take off this mask and put my head in that toilet out there. That’s your car? I wasn’t even kidding, it looks like a bathroom. What make is that?”
Joke to your neighbour who is shovelling his driveway
Use outside when neighbour is around, shovelling his driveway or really shovelling anything. Actually, you can do it on anyone who is outside who isn’t wearing Butt Muffs.
“Hi Carl, do you have your butt muffs on?”
“Good, you’re a smart man”
“Then I guess your wife won’t be spanking you unless you want your butt to shatter on impact”