Tag Archives: jokes

Classic army misunderstandings

Please welcome guest blogger Dale Cramer

I wrote a humourous advice column in the Windsor Gazette for forty years, earning accolades and more free coffee mugs than I got free coffees! The column was called The Cram and was known for its relatable parenting humour that teens could also enjoy, such as the Swiss Chalet Community Leader Award-winning piece “Got a Light?” where I compared smoking to drowning. When my column was canceled last month I decided it might be time to finally try my hand at blogging on the computer. I reached out to as many Internet sites as I could and thankfully this man Glenn gave me a shot. I was really happy to be able to include some more “X-Rated” material that my former editor scoffed at. No hard feelings, Raymond. Anyway, enjoy!

– Cram
(I can’t sign the computer screen but if you ever saw my column you’ll know I signed each one with my signature and a little picture of Cupid sticking his tongue out. This is where that would go)

Atten-hut! No, not the football
Classic Army Misunderstandings
by Dale Cramer

crest craft army04

Thanks to my son Nick for finding this great ‘toon

It’s every young man’s dream to serve his country, but it ain’t all crisp white sheets and lifelong camaraderie. The army has its own language and terminology that even confused yours truly back when I was in the Canadian reserves. Please email these to your wives, boys!

It’s an ambush

Don’t try telling a platoon of thirsty soldiers there’s an ambush waitin’ for ’em — they might think you’re talking about an ice cold Anheuser-Busch beer (or ‘water’ as us canucks call it).

Caught in a booby trap

If there’s one surefire way to give soldiers the jollies it’s any mention of a booby trap — dream come true, eh?

Give no quarter 

A kill-hungry solider foams at the mouth when he’s able to give no quarter, but don’t utter the words around a young arcade (or should I say blockade) monkey! Boy I’ve heard of too many joystick jockeys gunned down in the field only because their rucksack was so full of quarters it was weighin’ ’em down.

Barbed Wire

It’s not uncommon for young soldiers to confuse the sharp stuff with the skin flick starring the stunning Pamela Lee. Keep your pistols in your pants boys, you don’t want catch your dinger on a real deal barbed wire fence — if you’re not going to die in the field, you’d better at least be able to reproduce!

– Cram
**cartoon of cupid sticking his tongue out**

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The only reason I let this guy do this is because he said he’d do it for free and because he allowed to me post his pic, which is totally worth it. Check this guy out:

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Winter joke pack

If you can't read, this thing pretty much sums up what this post is all about

A visual summation of the post for those who can’t read

My part of the planet is very cold right now, which is bad because none of us can film our baseball movies and good because we have an excuse as to why there aren’t any fresh from the garden tomatoes in our marinaras. If you live within the effected area you’ve probably heard friends, co-workers and enchanted birds make crack after joke about the cold — you know the ones:

Why do they call them “snow pants”? They’re aren’t made of snow or denim.
I’m as chilly as a whore in Mystic River, the river not the movie
Hey baby, there’s icicles on my dick so it’s even more dangerous than usual.

If you’re sick of these or you’ve been too bashful to participate or don’t know how to write a proper seasonal poo-em, here are some of my leftovers that are free to you as long as you come to my birthday in April. As a courtesy I give detailed instructions as to when and where to use these frozen zings, so please follow directions carefully or you might end up telling a cop that his nippies are harder than an ice maze’s wall.

dec-31-tasting-snow-bad

Snow doesn’t taste like candy, idiot

Funny sounding winter wear that isn’t real
Use in a department store or snowboard ramp

Butt muffs

Funny New Year’s Resolution you can use when someone asks you what yours is
Use at the office or at a wedding

My resolution is to wear the butt muffs my grandma knit me, start smoking and start knitting my own butt muffs.

Funny answer you can give someone who asks if it’s still cold out when it obviously is
Use at the office, sporting events or to make your spouse look like a fuckin’ fool. 

I still got my butt muffs on, don’t I? *pulls down pants* I know it looks like I’m wearing a hairy half diaper, but these are my butt muffs.

Joke to use when ordering a hot drink
Use at the coffee brewer, an outdoor skating rink or a castle

I’ll take a large hot chocolate, and nothing for my butt muffs. What? No, they’re under my pants. They’re like a diaper but there’s no front part. Actually, I’ll take a hot cider for the muffs only because you’re pissing me off so bad.

Joke to use when ordering butt muffs
Use at Muffles, What’s Butt or Canadian Tire

“Do you have any tropical prints? Hahahaha, I know, I know, it was a joke. I’ll take the yellow corduroy”

Joke to use when store doesn’t carry butt muffs
Use at Banana Republic, Sears, American Eagle, Eddie Bauer, lululemon, GAP, Aldo Shoes, adidas store, Foot Locker, Loblaws and Dollarama. 

“You don’t carry butt muffs? If I wanted cold cheeks I’d take off this mask and put my head in that toilet out there. That’s your car? I wasn’t even kidding, it looks like a bathroom. What make is that?”

Joke to your neighbour who is shovelling his driveway
Use outside when neighbour is around, shovelling his driveway or really shovelling anything. Actually, you can do it on anyone who is outside who isn’t wearing Butt Muffs.

“Hi Carl, do you have your butt muffs on?”

If Yes:

“Good, you’re a smart man”

If No:

“Then I guess your wife won’t be spanking you unless you want your butt to shatter on impact”