While you were sleeping on your daddy’s sleeping bag and waiting from Crisp Pringle to ski into your fireplace, Hollywood was working hard to bring you their latest stories. Amidst flurries of poultry and new socks I managed to see some of the season’s spiciest curries, which I will now review LIVE.
The Wolf of Wall Street and American Hustle
These movies are similar because they’re both about bad boys living in the old days and doing stupid shit without the aid of Google. Hustle‘s Louis CK is the only chunk of husband material to be found, and even he’s so boring that he might as well have been made out of banana chips.
I thought there’d be more drugs and bare nipples in American Hustle so I was a bit disappointed. The experience was also hindered by these two pieces of shit sitting in front of us who kind of ruined the first half hour of the tale. The man slurped his soda with the power and noise of a young James Dyson on his hands ‘n knees, sucking dirt caveman style until he invented the world’s shiniest vacuum. The guy dug so deep into his bag of popcorn that it seemed he was recording foley for a movie about popcorn. Once I got used to their constant shifting around and the woman sighing and answering phone calls I got into the movie. If not for the actors I think I would’ve given this baby spilled milk status but Christmas Bale Brad Cooper were very good in their roles as a fat trickster with fake hair that was fake because he has hair, and a curly horn dog FBI employee, respectively. I don’t like Amy Adams because she was in that Julia Child movie that was worse than watching a teary middle-aged woman write a baby blog on the third anniversary of her husband’s death, but she did show 80% of her breasts for 80% of the movie.
The Wolf of Wall Street was too long but there was enough drugs and nudity to keep me from having to imagine nudes and drugs while trying to distract myself from the pee that wanted out. Leo once again plays a character based on a real person, meaning all he had to do was hang out with the guy and copy him. Jonah Hill plays a weird heavyset type who smokes the whole time. Have you seen Boiler Room? The movie is like that but longer and better and was filmed on better cameras probably.
I’m glad that these movies are in the Oscar race because usually it’s all a bunch of ones whose synopses begin, “Due to factors beyond her control…”, while trying to get you to cry and buy the book from which it was based on. Oh, I saw Anchorman 2 as well. If I wanted to see a bunch of clowns acting like newsmen, I’d simply turn on Barnum and Bailey TV for the six o clock poos. Get it? No, it was an okay movie but I still think Steve Carell would make a much better funny dentist.
All these movies were too long. I watched Smokey and the Bandit last night and it’s under two hours and half of it is shots of police cars turning on their sirens.
Pizza The Hutt, Spaceballs
Final Marks
The Wolf of Wall Street – Three Jack London’s not realizing that the movie he’s about to watch isn’t about wolves out of four dumps that Jonah Hill took daily on set
American Hustle – Nine stars out of who knows, it’s all a con, don’t believe in something that’s too good to be true (lesson from the movie)
Anchorman 2 – 201 pounds, a bit overweight but still worth looking at if you’re into anatomy or skin.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 