Pour yourself a glass of squeezed spices!
Get a zit just because it fits the theme!
Hug everything you’ve ever owned!
Throw ice cubes all over the house!
And finish your Advent calendar! You gather the whole family around and tell them about all the treats you’ve got so far. Your nephew calls bullshit on the invisible diamonds until you put one under his glass ass causing him to squeak in pain. You then light the calendar on fire and as it smoulders on the ground your final prize is slowly revealed…
A bulk package of everything you’ve ever owned presented by the competent staff at the Yawn Barn Hotel! Perfect, just perfect.
I hope you enjoyed this year’s Advent calendar brought to you by hard work and dedication. I’ll be back in the new year with brand new Internet-suitable content aimed at making your days feel more like nights and your nights more like underwater. Happy Holidays.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 