I didn’t make this but I’d like to spend some time in the billiards room of the person who did.
The average North American throws out approximately 5 tons of stuff per week, a staggering number considering the recent popularity of bread bowls and edible books. The following guide will give you a better idea as to what shit you should be replacing and what you should fix. This will save you money and ensure garbage dumps are filled with old lettuce and batteries instead of power drills and hideous yet still functional scissors. While I’m on the subject, don’t repair lettuce despite what lettuce repair kits claim. The glue barely sticks and the colour of the patch matches romaine but not iceberg, which they don’t tell you on the package.
Shoes – Repair
A good pair of shoes is worth its weight in shirts, and while a fresh set of twins looks good on the mantle, there’s a bond one forms with an old pair that goes beyond style and into a spiritual realm where the only rule is to have shoes on. Two hundred years ago the idea of throwing out a pair of shoes would be more ridiculous than the idea of the Internet, which would garner reactions of “so it’s like standing in a crowd but if you want to see someone naked you can?”. Shoes used to be the kind of apparel that was thought to improve with age mostly because everyone back then was pretty stupid. Poor kids generally wore new shoes and rich kids wore moccasins stolen from the pregnant wives of native chiefs. Sorry for the history lesson, I know this ain’t nationalgeographic.co.uk. Anyway, next time a heel comes unglued or a weasel makes off with one of your laces, consider an appointment with you local cobbler before blowing this month’s arcade budget on a new pair. The best part is that they know their glues and screws better than any American President and are more than willing to fill you in on boot trends and where the fastening gliterati go to get their gravies.
Coffee Mug – Repair
A coffee mug will last forever unless you drop it on a surface that is harder than what the mug is made out of; that’s why all my mugs are made out of ceramic, the hardest substance in the world next to frozen blood. If you do happen to break your mug and it’s so special that the thought of it sitting alone in a trash pile amongst rotten… eels, then by all means, glue that daddy together. I would buy the best glue you can. Do not use the glue that comes in the lettuce repair kit as that shit is only suitable for sort of gluing lettuce patches on lettuce and for administering to sick toddlers instead of whisky and cotton. Get the kind of glue that is so fuckin’ harsh that it must rest inside a child-proof pill bottle, forgoing a logo in order to fit all the warnings about using it on lettuce and nipples and stuff.
LETTUCE – REPLACE
Don’t be tempted by those DIY lettuce repair kits, the glue… sorry, I addressed this in the opening. Forgot about that.
I get it, it’s stupid to want to repair lettuce in the first place, but there’s obviously a demand if there’s a company willing to manufacture a whole repair kit. I’ve been going crazy the last few days thinking that maybe I just didn’t see the extra patches in different shades of green. I do remember throwing out the package quickly after removing the glue and the one patch so it’s very possible I just didn’t see them. Does anyone have any experience with this stuff? Am I in the wrong here?
Toaster – Replace
Every toaster should come with an odometer that measures toasts instead of kilometres, that way you’ll be more likely to get rid of your old one once you see how many slices it totally tortured in its life. Warning: whether you’re drying it after washing, making chips or simply warming it up to spread some butter on, do not put lettuce in your toaster. It will break both your toaster and your lettuce and you may be forced to replace both depending on your aptitude for lettuce repair. There are home patch kits but they don’t offer much in the way of patch col… sorry. Just ignore the parts about the lettuce. I get paid by the vowel so either way I’m fine. I’ll just wrap it up real quick:
That should just about cover every major item in your house except your toys, which I have no business commenting on. If you didn’t read the article and only scrolled to the bottom to get today’s hidden image, I’ll sum it up with one piece of advice: before you throw out your broken or old items, consider how many salads are wasted every day just because the lettuce is a wee bit brown or full of holes that look like a worm made them.
Today’s Image (when you’ve collected all 89, print them out and send them to me via post. You’ll then receive a code, also by post, that will grant you access to the Diamond Edition of the site)
GLENN W. MACAULAY 