Why I’m intimidated by you

I submitted this shareable list to the folks at BuzzFeed but they rejected it, claiming it was too “Al Bundy”. I really think this could make a nice go at it around college campuses, but hey, I’ve been wrong before — I thought Bobby Flay would’ve landed more acting gigs by now.

ButtFeast’s 99 Reasons Why I’m Intimidated By You

You don’t have a wallet. You wrap your bills around your debit card and throw your change in the garbage, even the high silvers.

Before you learned my name you called me “Slim” right to my face.

Your keychain doesn’t have keys,  just tools to fix a guitar.

Your signature is worth more than Brian Mulroney’s and no one knows why.

You built your own pinball game and every high score says “ME” and instead of coins you have to insert homemade cookies that you bake every morning.

Your go-to joke is to open a fortune cookie, eat the fortune then pretend to read the cookie, using the punchline “I can’t read Chinese”.

Your dad has all his hair and loves going shopping with you.

Your dentist is also your barber and your tattoo artist and every service is free because you introduced the guy to his wife who owns a bakery and they have a little daughter who has already been on more trips than me.

You have a Swiss Army knife with a working, miniature Nintendo controller in it.

Your phone screen has a crack in it and you don’t even seem to care.

The yellowed paperback peeking out of  your back pocket looks so natural and I thought it was kind of bullshit until you started reading it in the middle of your own birthday.

You ordered something that isn’t on the menu without apologizing to the server.

Your bike was painted by a graffiti artist and it doesn’t have a chain but it’s still faster than my bike.

You don’t know anything about me but I know everything about you.

Every week you get a handwritten letter from a girl from another country and 68% of the girls are surfers.

Your glasses frames are made out of rebar from the Berlin Wall.

The names of the bands in your record collection sound like the guest list to an alien’s wedding.

I have absolutely no idea where you purchased the underwear you’re wearing as a bathing suit.

You won’t listen to anyone who disagrees with your opinion that tea is actually bad for you.

You get caught in the rain and don’t seem to care that you’re nowhere NEAR a set of dry clothes.

Every Halloween your only accessory is a little gold crown and everyone wants a picture with you instead of me even though I made my own custom Indiana Jones as a transformer that transforms into a sphinx costume.

You know the owners of like, two stores.

You bring milk to the movies.

You tip everyone, including the guy who got out of your way at a Raptors game.

You keep a pencil behind your ear and it stays there.

You write your grocery list on the money you’re going to buy your groceries with.

Your browser has 100 tabs open at all times and the only one I notice is this Wikipedia entry and your Gmail that has 2,435,775 unread messages.

You have a rare disease that actually isn’t half bad.

You were swimming in the Hudson River when 9/11 happened.

Your laces are never tied but your shoes stay on and the laces don’t even flop around.

You’ve heard of every Laura Dern movie except Jurassic Park.

This was all a trick, I’m actually describing the ideal man! Happy Valentines Day to all the men and women in our armed forces.