Recently I watched the movie Her but didn’t review it because I didn’t want to talk about a movie about computers on a computer. In the movie the main character–who gets so horny he starts having sex with a voice–works at letter writing service in a future where people get back into the idea writing letters but can’t do it themselves. I guess it sort of makes sense because I’m into eating duck but it’s not like I’m out there strangling them myself.
I realized the whole letter writing thing would be an easy way to make a living and that I’d try it myself, only I’m not going to charge anything because this is fake and a part about charging you would make it longer. Not only am I giving these letters away for free but I’m doing it during Valentine’s time, when anything love related is worth its weight in chocolate-covered iPads. Unfortunately, most of these letters are from the male perspective but that’s okay because all women need to do to get a man is a wink in the nude. Here you go, use at your own reward:
Dear Baby,
What would you like to do to me tonight? I won’t know what I want to do to you until I see how dry your skin is this day.
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Dear My Baby,
I made you a treat, it’s in the oven (turn off the oven).
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Dear Hot Stuff,
I want you so bad but it’s not Christmas yet and that’s really the only time I like getting presents.
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Dear sweetie,
What size bra do you wear? I told the clerk that your breasts are smaller than my last girlfriend’s, which was helpful because she is my last girlfriend. Anyway, I know how much you love mind benders so this is your present.
Dear Hottie,
I got 20 Nuggets — 12 for me 8 for you. I was thinking about how badly you want to lose weight so that’s why I get more than you. A lady at work said you can lose weight by having sex a lot but I’m pretty into our current arrangement of doin’ it every time your parents call to ask if you’re pregnant yet.
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Dear Beautiful Honey,
I cried last night imaging you being born and I even self-censored myself and blurred out your mom’s privates. I then thought of your recent vagina and my tears went away. See you at the grocery store.
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Dear Snuggles,
These last three years have been way better than the three years before I met you. The three years before THAT were the best though because I dated this crazy, rich chick who had a wood burning oven and go-karts with GPS systems in ’em.
Dear Pretty You,
My heart feels so good when you’re around that I’ve decided to start abusing caffeine again. I’m about to drink a hockey helmet full of espresso so don’t be surprised if when you get home I’m up on the roof trying to eat clouds again.
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Dear Sugar,
Our relationship is fuckin’ unstoppable unless YOU fuck it up. Look at me, I’m 34, I work in a forest known for its huge bees and I don’t like shaving because it’s boring. You’re a banker and still have all your grandparents — I ain’t goin’ NOWHERE. Whenever you feel like getting married just let me know, I’m ready whenever.
Dear Terry,
Here’s a poem:
Roses are rad, violets are bitter
Let’s save our money and buy a new shitter
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Dear Sexy,
There are a thousand words to describe your beauty. Unfortunately, one of those words is “stretched” but most of the other ones are positive. Is “shiny” good or bad for a girl? The woman at the drug store wouldn’t tell me.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 