Garbage Brags

This is a new feature aimed at getting me a quick and easy book deal, so please share the fuckin shit out of it and if you know any publishers, slip it into their coffee. I’ve organized this web-based demo in the style of a book but I left out the forward–written by Kim Mitchell’s lyricist, Pye Dubois– in case you try to pirate it.

670px-Deal-With-a-Bragging-Friend-Step-2 copy

Chapter 1: Food for NOT

I make my own fruit out of old vegetable skins and yogurt
I know the owner of a Quizno’s franchise
I’ve never tried a pickle that isn’t Bick’s
I planted some gum in the desert and watered it with moisturizer
The bar I go to serves martinis in canteens
I deep fry my cereal
My vegetable garden is bigger than my bed

Chapter 2: Material OBSESSIONS

I keep my Wite-Out in a humidor
I don’t have a bank account but I collect money
My mobile phone case has a “No Trespassing” sign on it
I got balloons for Christmas
I have a necktie with pictures of bullets on it
I’ve never lied about where I buy my funky glasses

Chapter 3: Smarty RANTS

My wi-fi network is named after my beautiful, dead grandmother
I say “swish” every time my printer prints a page
I can stop my hair from growing if I keep magnets in my shirt pocket
I can’t solve a Rubik’s Cube but I do make art out of them

Chapter 4: Family TREASONS

My brother is the guy at the mall selling ice cream cones filled with porridge
My father’s name is Kent
My cat knows how to piss outside
I convinced my sister to become a comedienne

Chapter 5: Pop TORTURE

I saw Jack The Bear in theaters
I made a meme about Tom Sawyer being rude
When you search Google for “lenny kravitz american woman guitar tab”, the one I made is listed third
My last electricity bill is autographed by Denis Leary
I can perform two of the stunts from the film Dutch

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