Pop Watch 2014 (April/May)

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I watch pop all year ’round but I don’t like constantly shoving it in your face because that’s not what the totem pole behind our shed instructed me to do.

There’s been some hot pop lately though, so here’s a quick update that you can use as currency in case you end up in prison and need to pay up to avoid being forced into acting as jailhouse toilet-licker.

Clippers owner banned

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This would be like if I posed with Jack Osbourne circa 2003

Donald Sterling, who owns the Clippers basketball team, got banned for life from the NBA and will be forced to sell the team because he is a proven racist. For awhile there I banned all barbers from using clippers on my head, demanding simple scissor snips for that vintage look. Now that my hair loss is at a point where I don’t get carded at bars, I give myself haircuts at home using only clippers. If I were forced to sell those I’d be fuckin pissed but I’m not a racist unless dogs count, so good riddance Donald Sterling.

Star Wars cast revealed

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Every member of the 2004 Irish Olympic team got one

Star Wars announced who will be trying not to embarrass themselves in the new series of films, which begin storing digital video files very soon. Of note is Adam Driver of TV show Girls, who is adept at using “the force” when he’s out trying to pick up chicks. KAZOOOOO. Actually, I think he probably doesn’t have to force girls to like him at all, he’s very hot right now, but his character on Girls sure does know how to use “the force”. BAFFFFFFF. I’ve only watched a couple episodes and he didn’t really force her to have sex with him but he was fairly adamant, right? Adamant, Adam Ant, Adam Driver, POP WATCH.

Cosmos draws ire of creationists

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Clip from episode 4

Fox’s science show  is making religious people mad because it explains itself by using computer graphics and not an old book based on conversations between some really creative guys with timeless names. Cosmos is also succeeding in exposing a new generation of children to the idea that we’re tiny, insignificant piles of elements, no different than pieces of shit, dirty old fuckin raccoons or mustard stains.

George Clooney engaged?

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Pooin’ out The Monuments Men

The tabloids are buzzing about George Clooney possibly being engaged because the hot, leggy lawyer he’s been cookin’ eggs for has been spotted wearing a ring. Back in the old days a ring on the hand of a woman meant either she’s the property of a lord, or that she dabbled in masonry, so lets not jump to conclusions quite yet. How did he find this woman? The adult version of LinkedIn?

Bob Hoskins died

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When he saw the finished movie he said “that’s why they taped balloons to the broom handle”

Actor Bob Hoskins passed away at age 71, which reminds me of how I tried to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit? two months ago but had to stop because Roger Rabbit is so annoying in it. You’ll also remember Bob as Smee in the film Hook, which wasn’t really annoying at all except for how they tried to bring Peter Pan into the “real world”. Why couldn’t Robin Williams just have lived on another island in never never land, drunk off homemade rum and friends with talking snakes who side with neither pirate nor boy? Then one day he chases a parrot back to the big tree and there we have it, no bullshit scenes of his family whining about how he’s an asshole.

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