Tag Archives: celebrities

Celebrity secrets

Bono was back in the news last week when he revealed that his signature sunglasses are for glaucoma and not style and/or filtering out “things that aren’t beautiful”. It’s a pretty boring revelation but thankfully there are plenty of other celebrities out there whose famous accoutrements tell a very interesting story. Here are six of them:

Bill Paxton’s gold tooth

Bill Paxton made a name for himself as an actor in the 80s and 90s playing a wide-range of characters in instant classics like Aliens and Apollo 13. His famous gold tooth became almost as famous as him, spawning a Saturday morning cartoon called One Nice Tooth and a breakfast cereal called “Teeth”–but was the tooth a simple act of vanity or a marketing stunt to spawn a Saturday morning cartoon and a breakfast cereal? Neither. In an interview with Playboy in 2003, Paxton revealed that the tooth is one of three keys that when used together, will open a vault hidden deep beneath the sprawling Paxton compound in the Sonoran desert. Paxton never confirmed what is contained in the vault but it’s common Hollywood knowledge that it’s likely the only copy of William Shakespeare’s comic book about female skeleton who doesn’t hate anything, which was said to be the inspiration for Anne of Green Gables.

Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt

It’s popular belief that Kate Bosworth’s poo stained shirt was designed by House of Givenchy during Paris Fashion Week, 2007. During an appearance on Jeff Probst’s “What’s Up?” podcast Bosworth admitted that she actually bought the shirt from a Chicago-based punk rock singer named Adam Fucking Bullshit after he impressed her with his hip, DIY aesthetic. She also bought a pair of socks made out of a wet pizza box that can briefly be seen during the banana scene in Blue Crush.

Charlie Chaplin’s tattoo

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Chaplin’s paw tattoo was a fixture in his early films but never got much attention compared to his moustache, hat, and knee that looks like a potato. In 19th century London all British infants were sorted and “stamped” into one of twenty different groupings based on a number of factors such as head size and barf smell. In those days an infant wasn’t considered a human being until it could say the Queen’s name without laughing, meaning that infants were legally property of the crown until such time. Each group of infants represented a different type of sacrifice that one would have to endure, or else be tossed into the Thames.  Chaplin ended up a “Royal Moggy”, a group of infants that when called into service would be used to right the ballast of British ships carrying goods to North America. Thankfully, Chaplin was only called upon once where he spent a harrowing three week journey in a steamer carrying wool and pickle brine, bound for Newfoundland.

Rashida Jones’ fibre optic hair

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Jones has lived a life of privilege thanks to her famous parents Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton and though the multi-talented actress has stayed grounded over the past several years, she was a complete nightmare as a teen. For her Sweet 16 party she requested a Ferrari made of bone china and a breast enhancement using whale blubber instead of silicon. Her parents did not indulge her and instead set her up with a procedure to replace her hair with fibre optic cables. Though furious at first, Jones eventually found the hair extremely useful during her years at Harvard where she was able to access information quickly and efficiently. Her hair was also named Top ISP of 2004 by Wired Magazine.

Alec Baldwin’s cheek meatball

Alec Baldwin has had a meatball on his face for so long that most people don’t even think about it anymore. The truth is that the actor himself didn’t know it was there until Rob Reiner noticed it on the set of Ghosts of Mississippi. Right before Baldwin attempted to peel it off, Reiner told him it suited his face and that it could become something special. Always with the Midas touch, Reiner was correct and the meatball-faced Baldwin’s career skyrocketed. When asked where he thought the meatball came from, Baldwin said “I think I was in the East Village dining with an old girlfriend at Mama Sauce’s, but if might’ve been during Easter ’87 when my brothers and I made meat eggs”.

Phil Mickelson’s chain

The famous golfer’s famous chain has nothing to do with his famous left-handed drive, but is instead proof of membership in famous hip hop collective, The East City Stompers. Phil financed one of their early projects, a mix tape featuring members Papa Smurph, Leeanne Rhymes, Yeah Man, Kicky P and Booky Chapters that led to their platinum selling LP, “White Guns”. Mickelson claimed he had nothing to do with the group’s infamous beef with rivals Famous Explosions which culminated in the unsolved murder of rapper/entrepreneur Bikini Atoll.

Embarrassing celebrity encounters

Reader Jake Zex’s embarrassing celebrity encounter is a bit longer than the usual “Ricki Lake barfed pickles at my church” type stories we feature, but it’s a good one regardless. Enjoy!

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My friend Jordem and I were at Goo Zoo in Chicago’s Wheat Sacking District, shooting the shit and discussing how expensive Goo Zoo’s signature shot, “the shit” is. My buddy kept nodding toward the Growing Pains pinball machine and muttering something about a guy who was “so plain”. I’m not one to to avert my gaze only to check out plains — I’m all about crazies, hair faces, nub noses and tit monsters so I ignored him.

At that point I was cross-eyed and drooling off several shots of shit, so my poisoned mind decided to reveal a big secret to Jordem, a secret I won’t fully reveal here but lets just say it involves a pumpkin-spiced bra. The bar was really loud at this point as DJ Cream Pie had started his set,  but Jordem appeared to understand the gist of the secret so I wrapped it up with an obligatory, “keep it on the DL”. He looked at me funny, glanced back toward the pinball machine then back to me and said “for real?”. I patted him on the back and told him not to quit his day job because I thought he was joking and the only people who joke are professional comedians who don’t need to work during the day because they work mostly at night in clubs. I then headed to the bathroom, danced all night with a Marine and his sister to Cream Pie’s Uptown Mega Mix and didn’t see Jord again until after the bar closed.

We ran into each other outside as Goo Zoo’s patrons were slowly filing onto the waiting barges. Jordem was drunker than King Henry after Merlin invented rum so I was scared that he had taken my advice seriously, quit his day job and celebrated by wasting all his remaining cash on spirits and olives. After asking how he afforded to get so drunk he gave me a strange look and told me that they were “on the DL”. I assumed he meant he was using my secret as currency and while I trade secrets for drinks and hats regularly, I do not trade those of my best friends, so I got mad and accused him of selling me out. At that moment, D.L. Hughley walked past wearing his signature “Brown Betty” leather jacket and Jordem asked me how I knew him and why I didn’t greet him with my usual cheek pinch and mint offering. I told him how despite my respect for the man’s career, I am not acquainted with D.L. Hughley in any way, shape or co-ed recreational sports team.  Jordem responded with, “then why did you have me charge my drinks to him?”.

Game changer.

My mind did one of those rewind things where I started to piece everything together and as a bonus I finally remembered the code to open my fridge, which I have no problem admitting was simply “ROT”. Apparently, Jordem had referred to D.L. earlier in the evening as “the Soul Plane guy” standing next to the pinball machine, which I didn’t figure out probably because of my policy on not checking out plains. Then, by revealing my secret I had inadvertently told Jord to keep drinks on the popular star in a classic case of misunderstanding.

I ran to D.L. and explained the whole scenario which he found hilarious while also revealing that Jordem had only bought one drink and some pretzel lasagna sliders which he was more than happy to take care of. I asked Jordem how he managed to get so plastered if D.L. only bought him one and he revealed that he was faking it because he hadn’t lied in awhile.

Pop Watch 2014 (April/May)

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I watch pop all year ’round but I don’t like constantly shoving it in your face because that’s not what the totem pole behind our shed instructed me to do.

There’s been some hot pop lately though, so here’s a quick update that you can use as currency in case you end up in prison and need to pay up to avoid being forced into acting as jailhouse toilet-licker.

Clippers owner banned

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This would be like if I posed with Jack Osbourne circa 2003

Donald Sterling, who owns the Clippers basketball team, got banned for life from the NBA and will be forced to sell the team because he is a proven racist. For awhile there I banned all barbers from using clippers on my head, demanding simple scissor snips for that vintage look. Now that my hair loss is at a point where I don’t get carded at bars, I give myself haircuts at home using only clippers. If I were forced to sell those I’d be fuckin pissed but I’m not a racist unless dogs count, so good riddance Donald Sterling.

Star Wars cast revealed

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Every member of the 2004 Irish Olympic team got one

Star Wars announced who will be trying not to embarrass themselves in the new series of films, which begin storing digital video files very soon. Of note is Adam Driver of TV show Girls, who is adept at using “the force” when he’s out trying to pick up chicks. KAZOOOOO. Actually, I think he probably doesn’t have to force girls to like him at all, he’s very hot right now, but his character on Girls sure does know how to use “the force”. BAFFFFFFF. I’ve only watched a couple episodes and he didn’t really force her to have sex with him but he was fairly adamant, right? Adamant, Adam Ant, Adam Driver, POP WATCH.

Cosmos draws ire of creationists

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Clip from episode 4

Fox’s science show  is making religious people mad because it explains itself by using computer graphics and not an old book based on conversations between some really creative guys with timeless names. Cosmos is also succeeding in exposing a new generation of children to the idea that we’re tiny, insignificant piles of elements, no different than pieces of shit, dirty old fuckin raccoons or mustard stains.

George Clooney engaged?

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Pooin’ out The Monuments Men

The tabloids are buzzing about George Clooney possibly being engaged because the hot, leggy lawyer he’s been cookin’ eggs for has been spotted wearing a ring. Back in the old days a ring on the hand of a woman meant either she’s the property of a lord, or that she dabbled in masonry, so lets not jump to conclusions quite yet. How did he find this woman? The adult version of LinkedIn?

Bob Hoskins died

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When he saw the finished movie he said “that’s why they taped balloons to the broom handle”

Actor Bob Hoskins passed away at age 71, which reminds me of how I tried to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit? two months ago but had to stop because Roger Rabbit is so annoying in it. You’ll also remember Bob as Smee in the film Hook, which wasn’t really annoying at all except for how they tried to bring Peter Pan into the “real world”. Why couldn’t Robin Williams just have lived on another island in never never land, drunk off homemade rum and friends with talking snakes who side with neither pirate nor boy? Then one day he chases a parrot back to the big tree and there we have it, no bullshit scenes of his family whining about how he’s an asshole.