We recently received a typewritten, perfume-soaked letter from a real deal member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences whose New Year’s Resolution was to be more forthcoming. Rather than tell her husband that she’s been using the Instant Pot to sterilize her clarinet reeds, she decided instead to fill us in on her OFFICIAL Oscar picks for 2019. This should give you, the film-going public, an idea of who might win before you wager another eyeball betting on Best Picture based solely on which title sounds most like your last name. Here’s what she had to say:
Hi fans! If the Academy finds out I’m doing this they’ll never let me watch a movie ever again so all I ask in return is to say a prayer for me or leave a little meat out on your porch tonight and I’ll come grab. Full disclosure: I spilled BBQ sauce on my ballot. I tried to let my dog lick it off so I could see it but he ate the whole thing. Here’s what I would’ve picked had that not happened:
A STAR IS BORN
According to Green Book, the black guy and the white guy in it SHOULD NOT be friends, but they were anyway. I absolutely love movies where two guys who aren’t friends become friends beat up guys who don’t like that they’re friends, so this was like a glass of Gatorade after a fuck fest for yours truly.
Spike Lee (BLACKKKLANSMAN)
Paweł Pawlikowski (COLD WAR)
Yorgos Lanthimos (THE FAVOURITE)
Alfonso Cuarón (ROMA)
Adam McKay (VICE)
What the Academy doesn’t want you to know is that the award usually goes to the craziest person instead of the one who best manages to tell a bunch of overpaid doorknobs where to stand. The only reason Bob Fosse won in 1972 was because he coated every camera lens in piss ahead of the shoot to give Cabaret the ethereal look that made it a hit. Anyway, this movie is so boring that I can’t believe the guy actually managed to make it without everyone quitting because they were so tired. Shooting a movie in black and white tells the public, “Don’t watch this!” but people did anyway so kudos to Alfonso C. for being so extreme.
YALITZA APARICIO (Roma)
GLENN CLOSE (The Wife)
OLIVIA COLMAN (The Favourite)
LADY GAGA (A Star Is Born)
MELISSA MCCARTHY (Can You Ever Forgive Me?)
Sometimes an Oscar voter has to let the cosmos guide them and I am no different. In this case, Olivia Colman shares a name with my FAVOURITE mustard and is in a movie called The Favourite so it was an easy choice. Please note that if Claire Foy from First Man were nominated she would’ve got my vote because my first child was a boy, “Foy” rhymes with “boy”, “boys” turned into men, and my first son is named Claire.
CHRISTIAN BALE (Vice)
BRADLEY COOPER (A Star Is Born)
WILLEM DAFOE (At Eternity’s Gate)
RAMI MALEK (Bohemian Rhapsody)
VIGGO MORTENSEN (Green Book)
I never knew Queen did We Will Rock You! I always thought it was the Stones!
ALL THE STARS from Black Panther
I’LL FIGHT from RBG
THE PLACE WHERE LOST THINGS GO from Mary Poppins Returns
SHALLOW from A Star Is Born
WHEN A COWBOY TRADES HIS SPURS FOR WINGS from The Ballad of Buster Scruggs
Wow, this song reminded me of when I was a young woman and had a tryst with a real deal Moldovan Count. The guy’s bathtub was so big it had a shallow end I shit you not. I made a joke about there no being a diving board, he misinterpreted it as him not having a penis or something and next thing you know I was sharing a hammock with a loose rooster on a steamship headed back to good old U.S. of America.
Those are the only ones I usually vote on because I got a lemon tree in my backyard and honey I’d rather pick lemons than award winners. Plus, giving out supporting acting trophies is like giving James Beard Awards to dishwashers.
Love, Moon Lady (not my real name)