Tag Archives: glenn

Movie pitch: Glennegades

Title:

GLENNEGADES

Log Line:

A Toronto Glenn recruits the world’s top Glenns to stop a sinister brigade of Daniels from taking full control of the ‘Glenn’ Wikipedia page… and the world.

Synopsis:

In the year 2016 the Planet Earth is undergoing massive changes. A new generation of Tylers and Ethans threaten the existence of the Daves and Jims of old while the Internet continues to distract the public from shadows that lurk beneath the everyday mundane.

One afternoon, hacker, DJ and scientist Glenn M. stumbles upon a subgroup of Daniels looking to systematically erase the history of humanity’s most powerful names, starting with the Glenns. Before he has time to roll his eyes and spit on his monitor, Glenn M.’s activity is tracked by Daniels’ security forces and thanks to a anonymous tip (ends up being his brother, Scott), he leaves his apartment before it’s ransacked and vandalized with old bandages and Daniel Day-Louis posters.

Glenn M. hacks an airplane and flies it to Scotland where his name originated, rendezvousing with a beautiful Glenn named Glenn. Using her skills as a master seductress and half-decent jogger, Glenn helps Glenn recruit a team of world-class Glenns to fight this new threat in order to save not only Glenns but every name we hold dear. Taking Glenn and his team of Glenns around the globe in an action-packed thrill ride, GLENNEGADES is sure to be this century’s best and most exciting piece of art.

If you’re interested in financing this project please leave a crystal tulip on my doorstep and I’ll get back to you. I already have my business partnerships team working on deals to get Glenn-themed fries at Wendy’s (they’re way shorter than regular fries and come with a new purple dip) and a Glenn fedora with his signature seagull feather at Big It Up locations nationwide.

My art department has whipped up some images that I feel brings the hype. As you can see my company and I are well-prepared to take this project out of the stratosphere and into the part of outer space where no one even knows what food is.

Are you ready for opening night?

glennegades

glennegades1

Detective Glenn in “Bad Ads”

Detective Glenn is a series of modern detective stories set in our modern, digital world. 

I  was hired to solve the Coffee Street murders by some dame who obviously did it and was trying to throw the copsters off the scent, which smelled of beans ‘n bleeds. Since I charge by the Tuesday, I wanted to milk the case for a few days before collectin’ a wad of government-issued two-siders, cuttin’ the pips  and handin’ her over to the latest Dave in charge over at the 81st Precinct. This gave me some free time to solve another X-File, so I checked the note on my mobile titled “No Rush” that contains such cases and asked my salamander to lick the one I should tackle. Let’s take a look at what she tasted:

Case #: 00000P

Bad Ads

Date: Best date is my birthday, April 8
Time: I’ve been likin’ six o’clock lately
Weather: I’d rather be surprised

dumb-ads

I recall snapping a screenshot of the above when I was on my way to see if a cobbler could fix a baseball mitt. It was one of them suggested advertisements, real pervy stuff, as if the computer lifted its shirt and showed me hair and contours I wasn’t comfortable with, while assuming I’d want to take it home and fix it roast beef. I wanted to know more, and to do so I’d have to use every instinct and sense I’d obtained after dominating a poker game against a wizard, a warlock and plastic surgeon.

I only had the time and patience to examine three of the b’ads and besides, there’s no mystery in the health benefits of sardines, just ask an otter.

Exhibit B (Exhibit A was my breakfast, for tax purposes)

meatad

What’s the game here, sister? I’m only seein’ six foods and three of ’em are sausages. The other three are hot peppers, wine and cardboard, and I ain’t chewed on board since I got my first molar. And “never” is a strong term, don’t you think? You’ll be thanking John Q. Sausage when you run out of fresh meat out on the trail and you can’t catch any more because you gifted your rabbit snare to a wood nymph so she can tie her green hair back.

If I were Polish-Italian, I would take this to mean that I’m not allowed to eat anything, leading me to conclude that “Diet Insider” is really the Icelandic government because to the best of my knowledge, they’re the only country in the world without an official national sausage unless you count fuckin’ sand pie. Not sure why they targeted me on this one, I’m pure Canadian steel, but we’ll save that mystery for another day. One down, two to go.

Exhibit C

barkad

I’ve come across a lot of tricksters in my time as both a gumshoe and a Major League Baseball umpire, so I can spot one a mile away–this one was so visible I could use backwards binoculars to spot it.

The source is “Truth About Abs”, abs being a trendy body area in the spirit of past classics like beauty marks and firm lobes, but what is it trying to tell me? Will the use of tree bark and/or cinnamon fight carbs and lower blood sugar, leading me to a fresh box of a baker’s dozen abs? I’m in as long as having abs means my guts are better protected because I once took a volleyball to the breadbasket and my butt went soft serve for two weeks.

Look at the emphasis on the word “FIGHT”. They’re after bulldogs and though they came to the right place when knockin’ on my door, I still ain’t slatherin’ their crackers with jam unless I know they got the ears to match the muffs, know what I mean? In conclusion, “Truth About Abs” is actually a branch of the Icelandic government, looking to recruit cheap, strong labour to harvest their beautiful but deadly cinnamon forests.

Exhibit Z (the last one is always ‘z’, no matter what)

bridgead

I haven’t stepped foot in Uncle Sam’s saloon for years, but if this is what one of their saddest states looks like then book me a one way ticket! The source is “The Fiscal Times” and yet to me, that looks like a very well-maintained bridge and a well-pruned valley, the sign of a fiscally-responsible government. If The Fiscal Times was lookin’ to take down ten of the fifty then they should’ve shown the worst toilets because I’ve seen quakers leave town after one look at a cookie crumb on an otherwise sparkling State House bidet. I’m thinkin’ this is a ploy by the Icelanders to scare us Upper Americans into immigrating to their chunk. Case closed.

Detective Glenn will return in The Case of The Unusual Analytic

Glenn Power Rankings

Dust the walnuts off your bra and put on your dinner mask, it’s the March edition of GLENN POWER RANKINGS where I fill you in on what’s hot and what’s snot in my life. Talk about a time capsule for first world, white people, 30 something comedian, never owned a dog, Ford over Chevy and likes to cook problems. Trust me, I’m not completely beige — my uniqueness is derived from my beard, which splashes across my face like continents on a map, rather than framing it like mutton chops on a foreign woman who appears wise.

GLENN POWER RANKINGS
March

powerrankings

1. Long Johns 
Last month – #2

I know, I know, it’s the obvious choice, but Time Magazine wouldn’t hesitate to put a picture of a fat lion on the cover if we started feeding those guys our trash so why should I sweat it? It’s so cold outside that last Sunday at church my priest said “Hell ain’t lookin’ too bad right now”. Someone in the crowd responded “Go to Florida” and the priest said “yeah yeah I get it”.

2. Sandwiches with Yellow Mustard 
Last month – #4

Yellow mustard’s tang has lit up February’s sandwiches like a Christmas tree in a hot shed, while its colour has stained Glenn’s fingernails, making his guitar fretboard look like something out of Ringo’s collection. Why did it take me so long to get into the paste that aliens will assume bees make? I think I was always attracted to the shiny red of ketchup not unlike a child who favours a fire engine over a puddle of piss that has mixed with mud.

3. Drinking Coffee at 5pm 
Last month – #37

I don’t drink coffee so that I’ll be able to face the day, I can do that just by having a good shower and thinking how much stuff I’ve been able to leave in my parent’s basement without them throwing it out. I drink coffee to fuel the writing process (and to look cool in front of the kids I babysit), so slamming one after work means I can usually last until around 7pm. I reward myself with dinner then lie under blankets until it’s time for chips. Of course my real schedule is vastly different from what I just told you as I can’t give any help to the robbers out there looking to break-in and steal the secrets of how I organize my socks and undies.

4. Getting Wife to Watch Internet Videos 
Last month – #11

I just force her now, it’s easy. She said “send me the actual link and I’ll actually watch it”. I did, she did, and the marriage can safely move onto phase 2 — hugging without gloves on and taking shifts guarding the bedroom from the ghost chef who complains about sleeping in the fridge.

5. Eating Shrimp
Last month – #3

I don’t really have anything against shrimp at the moment but I ate so much of it in January and February that my tongue is threatening to pretend to enjoy the taste of shit so that I’ll start eating it. I can’t have that on my resumé ahead of this spring’s April Lick.

6. Korean BBQ 
Last month – #5

I want my food to produce tears of nourishment and taste, not disappointment and I got kimchi in my eye.

7. Listening to Podcasts 
Last month – #3

I can’t listen to podcasts at home because I’m not willing to go through the hassle of burning them onto a CD then finding some D batteries for my Sony. Due to the weather I can’t listen to them on the go because it’s too cold and my blood is sick of being treated like I’m some sort of cold-blooded snaker who can adapt to this bullshit just by putting on some boots and burying my head under the compost pile.

8. Grease Stains
Last month – #8

Grease stains on my crew necks has been a constant headache all winter long. I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill dots on a boring old plain grey, I’m talkin’ big splotches on my top name brand poppers. This is partly due to the deep fryer we got but also because I’ve been eating a lot of greasy food so that my body won’t be so dependent on gum.

Premium members will be able to check out the full 407 point list starting at midnight tonight along with a scanned version of my birth certificate and the final instalment in my series of Best Gumshoes. Detective buffs should know exactly what to expect, but for everyone else, get those library cards ready (hint) because you’ll be headed straight to MYSTERIES once it’s revealed.