Tag Archives: power rankings

Glenn Power Rankings – January 2016

This is your opportunity to see what’s up and what’s down in the life of the butter boy himself, Glenn. It’s time for…



1. Ignoring Exhaustion 
Last month – #36

A touch of insomnia and a head full of “oh man’s” brought Glenn belt-to-belt with that bald bitch himself, Exhaustion, in January. He used to face this threat by pupating but now he only gently whines and attempts to push it into the pit using a Spotify playlist full of energy-laden jock jams. If you see him sleepy-eyed, fear not! He is now trained to ignore Exhaustion’s lullaby (a pretty rippin’ blues number featuring Ronnie Wood on pedal steel).

2. Plowin’ Through Groceries
Last month – #12

“Value” is a land mammal’s version of the sea’s unlimited bubbles, and nothing says “value” like making use of all the food (eaten or smeared) you bought from the store. Due to a decrease in “Fear Meals Won’t Taste Good” (last month’s #49), Glenn’s groceries are flying out the fridge and into one of the many pans he’s accumulated over the years thanks to miscommunication between loved ones when it comes to gift ideas.

3. Small glasses of milk
Last month – #98

By re-discovering a perfectly sized Ghostbusters 2 juice glass that can be filled to the brim without costing him the carton, coupled with a re-engagement with the guilt-free quench that a cool glass of skim provides, Glenn is back sippin’ cow tea before bed.

4. Being patient with video games
Last month – #22

As a gift to himself and any screen bean who happens to visit his armoured headquarters, Glenn bought a next generation video game console sometime around the turn of December. With so many plastic PMs invested in this venture he’s been forced to put more effort into playtime and not get frustrated when the boy on the screen doesn’t do what the man stroking the buttons is demanding.

6. Timing showers
Last month – #2

Glenn quit the hockey team last year and while it’s given him time chew on a few puzzles, his active life has suffered. In January he took a squish at squash, which, combined with his summer slams on the tennis trail has completed the move away from team-based stick sports to individual racquet slams. Since many squash meets happen midday at a nearby gym, Glenn’s been forced to adjust his morning shower schedule so as not overdo the shampoo. It’s been a rocky road but we fully expect the timing of showers to shoot back up the rankings next month.

6. Not eating chicken
Last month – #7

It’s was hard for Glenn to reach for a commercial flesh that wasn’t bird this January. Experts suggest this is the result of a surging ignorance of the tit and a committed embrace of thigh and leg, body parts that have kept Glenn on budget and on flavour.

7. Tripping over lamps
Last month – #1

Glenn tripped over zero lamps in 2o15 according to data mined from his Apple Jeans and yet here he is, lips deep into Janny with two trips on the charts. Both instances yielded disastrous bulb replacements, which raised questions such as “Do we have light bulbs?”, “Where are the light bulbs?” and “Can you recycle light bulbs?”

Premium members get access to the full 407 point list and bonus monthly gifts. This February, glennmacaulay.com is offering members a complete illustrated history of deodorant brand loyalty, starting at puberty with the fabled Right Guard epoch, leading up the current Old Spice revolution. 

Glenn Power Rankings

Dust the walnuts off your bra and put on your dinner mask, it’s the March edition of GLENN POWER RANKINGS where I fill you in on what’s hot and what’s snot in my life. Talk about a time capsule for first world, white people, 30 something comedian, never owned a dog, Ford over Chevy and likes to cook problems. Trust me, I’m not completely beige — my uniqueness is derived from my beard, which splashes across my face like continents on a map, rather than framing it like mutton chops on a foreign woman who appears wise.



1. Long Johns 
Last month – #2

I know, I know, it’s the obvious choice, but Time Magazine wouldn’t hesitate to put a picture of a fat lion on the cover if we started feeding those guys our trash so why should I sweat it? It’s so cold outside that last Sunday at church my priest said “Hell ain’t lookin’ too bad right now”. Someone in the crowd responded “Go to Florida” and the priest said “yeah yeah I get it”.

2. Sandwiches with Yellow Mustard 
Last month – #4

Yellow mustard’s tang has lit up February’s sandwiches like a Christmas tree in a hot shed, while its colour has stained Glenn’s fingernails, making his guitar fretboard look like something out of Ringo’s collection. Why did it take me so long to get into the paste that aliens will assume bees make? I think I was always attracted to the shiny red of ketchup not unlike a child who favours a fire engine over a puddle of piss that has mixed with mud.

3. Drinking Coffee at 5pm 
Last month – #37

I don’t drink coffee so that I’ll be able to face the day, I can do that just by having a good shower and thinking how much stuff I’ve been able to leave in my parent’s basement without them throwing it out. I drink coffee to fuel the writing process (and to look cool in front of the kids I babysit), so slamming one after work means I can usually last until around 7pm. I reward myself with dinner then lie under blankets until it’s time for chips. Of course my real schedule is vastly different from what I just told you as I can’t give any help to the robbers out there looking to break-in and steal the secrets of how I organize my socks and undies.

4. Getting Wife to Watch Internet Videos 
Last month – #11

I just force her now, it’s easy. She said “send me the actual link and I’ll actually watch it”. I did, she did, and the marriage can safely move onto phase 2 — hugging without gloves on and taking shifts guarding the bedroom from the ghost chef who complains about sleeping in the fridge.

5. Eating Shrimp
Last month – #3

I don’t really have anything against shrimp at the moment but I ate so much of it in January and February that my tongue is threatening to pretend to enjoy the taste of shit so that I’ll start eating it. I can’t have that on my resumé ahead of this spring’s April Lick.

6. Korean BBQ 
Last month – #5

I want my food to produce tears of nourishment and taste, not disappointment and I got kimchi in my eye.

7. Listening to Podcasts 
Last month – #3

I can’t listen to podcasts at home because I’m not willing to go through the hassle of burning them onto a CD then finding some D batteries for my Sony. Due to the weather I can’t listen to them on the go because it’s too cold and my blood is sick of being treated like I’m some sort of cold-blooded snaker who can adapt to this bullshit just by putting on some boots and burying my head under the compost pile.

8. Grease Stains
Last month – #8

Grease stains on my crew necks has been a constant headache all winter long. I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill dots on a boring old plain grey, I’m talkin’ big splotches on my top name brand poppers. This is partly due to the deep fryer we got but also because I’ve been eating a lot of greasy food so that my body won’t be so dependent on gum.

Premium members will be able to check out the full 407 point list starting at midnight tonight along with a scanned version of my birth certificate and the final instalment in my series of Best Gumshoes. Detective buffs should know exactly what to expect, but for everyone else, get those library cards ready (hint) because you’ll be headed straight to MYSTERIES once it’s revealed.