Dust the walnuts off your bra and put on your dinner mask, it’s the March edition of GLENN POWER RANKINGS where I fill you in on what’s hot and what’s snot in my life. Talk about a time capsule for first world, white people, 30 something comedian, never owned a dog, Ford over Chevy and likes to cook problems. Trust me, I’m not completely beige — my uniqueness is derived from my beard, which splashes across my face like continents on a map, rather than framing it like mutton chops on a foreign woman who appears wise.
GLENN POWER RANKINGS
1. Long Johns
Last month – #2
I know, I know, it’s the obvious choice, but Time Magazine wouldn’t hesitate to put a picture of a fat lion on the cover if we started feeding those guys our trash so why should I sweat it? It’s so cold outside that last Sunday at church my priest said “Hell ain’t lookin’ too bad right now”. Someone in the crowd responded “Go to Florida” and the priest said “yeah yeah I get it”.
2. Sandwiches with Yellow Mustard
Last month – #4
Yellow mustard’s tang has lit up February’s sandwiches like a Christmas tree in a hot shed, while its colour has stained Glenn’s fingernails, making his guitar fretboard look like something out of Ringo’s collection. Why did it take me so long to get into the paste that aliens will assume bees make? I think I was always attracted to the shiny red of ketchup not unlike a child who favours a fire engine over a puddle of piss that has mixed with mud.
3. Drinking Coffee at 5pm
Last month – #37
I don’t drink coffee so that I’ll be able to face the day, I can do that just by having a good shower and thinking how much stuff I’ve been able to leave in my parent’s basement without them throwing it out. I drink coffee to fuel the writing process (and to look cool in front of the kids I babysit), so slamming one after work means I can usually last until around 7pm. I reward myself with dinner then lie under blankets until it’s time for chips. Of course my real schedule is vastly different from what I just told you as I can’t give any help to the robbers out there looking to break-in and steal the secrets of how I organize my socks and undies.
4. Getting Wife to Watch Internet Videos
Last month – #11
I just force her now, it’s easy. She said “send me the actual link and I’ll actually watch it”. I did, she did, and the marriage can safely move onto phase 2 — hugging without gloves on and taking shifts guarding the bedroom from the ghost chef who complains about sleeping in the fridge.
5. Eating Shrimp
Last month – #3
I don’t really have anything against shrimp at the moment but I ate so much of it in January and February that my tongue is threatening to pretend to enjoy the taste of shit so that I’ll start eating it. I can’t have that on my resumé ahead of this spring’s April Lick.
6. Korean BBQ
Last month – #5
I want my food to produce tears of nourishment and taste, not disappointment and I got kimchi in my eye.
7. Listening to Podcasts
Last month – #3
I can’t listen to podcasts at home because I’m not willing to go through the hassle of burning them onto a CD then finding some D batteries for my Sony. Due to the weather I can’t listen to them on the go because it’s too cold and my blood is sick of being treated like I’m some sort of cold-blooded snaker who can adapt to this bullshit just by putting on some boots and burying my head under the compost pile.
8. Grease Stains
Last month – #8
Grease stains on my crew necks has been a constant headache all winter long. I’m not talking about your run-of-the-mill dots on a boring old plain grey, I’m talkin’ big splotches on my top name brand poppers. This is partly due to the deep fryer we got but also because I’ve been eating a lot of greasy food so that my body won’t be so dependent on gum.
Premium members will be able to check out the full 407 point list starting at midnight tonight along with a scanned version of my birth certificate and the final instalment in my series of Best Gumshoes. Detective buffs should know exactly what to expect, but for everyone else, get those library cards ready (hint) because you’ll be headed straight to MYSTERIES once it’s revealed.