Tag Archives: film

Movie Review — Logan

Logan is better known as Wolverine, the Canadian mad man with claws who spends his new movie, Logan, as a guy named James even though his friends call him Logan and strangers call him Wolverine if they’ve heard of him.

Logan is fucked up big time in this movie, forcing Hugh Jackman to act with a limp the whole time for probably the first time in his career. In this chapter of the book of this character that’s shaped like a paw, Logan is still alive in the future year of 2029 with his friend and fake dad Professor X. In this he meets a little girl who is exactly like him yet he is still surprised to find out she’s his daughter, probably because the only school he ever went to only taught him how to beat up weirdos and not freak out any time someone looks at him funny.

This movie is a lot like Bad News Bears because it’s about a little daughter helping out a drunk middle age daddy who doesn’t seem to even want a daughter. The little girl in this one looks less like Tatum O’Neal and more like a young Lukas Haas, actor and charter member of Hollywood’s original Pussy Posse.

This movie is also like Terminator 2 in a way because there’s tons of stabbing and a guy protecting a kid, and also kind of like Little Miss Sunshine because there are quite a few road trip sequences and drugs. For you Spielberg fans there’s even a touch of Hook in that there’s some powerful kids hanging out in a clubhouse which Logan goes to in a tuxedo like Robin Williams in Hook.

There were so many stabbings in this movie that I’m surprised it’s not rated S. But seriously, when a movie stars at least 3 people with claws there’d better be wounds, and boy were the movie ambulances you never see burning rubber over the few days or whatever that this thing took place.

This future in this movie isn’t half bad except for this army of guys who all have robot arms doing whatever it is they feel like all day long. And every car is made by GM/Chrysler in the future. That sucks because my family has been about Fords since the ’90 Taurus wagon.

There’s one good eating scene at a stranger’s dinner table and one good bathroom scene, which are good numbers for a major motion picture.

This ain’t the kind of X-Men movie with blue chicks and karate aliens and shit, it’s more raw and that makes sense because Wolverine like his meat raw and his beer cold. Oh Canada indeed.

I’d give this movie 23 “stab wounds” out of 28 “ADR grunts” and would recommend it to anyone who is looking to prank someone religious.

Movie Review — John Wick: Chapter 2

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A good movie sequel is like a hot roast coming out of the oven after you just ate the same roast. The new roast has great potential because no matter what it is fresher than the first roast, but then maybe you’re not as hungry because you already had one roast. This is the kind of meal that I experienced when I saw John Wick part 2 now in theatres.

John Wick: He’s a man, and he’s two movies. Everything you loved about him and it is back because John Wick is back in John Wick 2 where Wick is back on the job as the world’s most unkillable killer.

He hates his damn job but whenever you kill someone people get pissed so John has to keep doing his job or he’ll die from getting killed by another guy who wants revenge even though he’s the hardest to kill in the world. The bad guys want to kill him so bad but they and us know that John Wick is the best killer in town. The only way to kill a guy like this is for everyone in the world to try to get him and that’s sort of what happens in this movie. It’s a bit weird  because in the world of John Wick most people are killers who use gold coins instead of money to get a nice New York hot dog or to pay another guy from doing something for them.

Wick shoots his way through tons of guys and only two girls at the speed of a tornado and looks as cool as he is sad as he travels from New York City to Rome to New York City again for more action.

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The fact that this is an urban movie is a real treat for people living in the country because they already think everyone in the city wants to kill them and this movie does a good job at keeping them scared of that.

If the first Wick was about his doggy, this one was more about John Wick. Before the movie my real brother told me that his dog grew up and became his guard dog in this movie so I expected to see the dog eat someone but sorry, all it does is hang out, no big deal.

John Wick doesn’t eat anything in this movie but one of the bad guys has a great scene where he nibbles a very tasty looking artisanal french fry that brought back memories of the bald guy from Matrix eating a steak in front of the agent who was a tough guy to kill, like John Wick. That’s a pretty interesting connection for movie fans who are more like sleuths than regular watchers like me.

The soundtrack has nothing for me to add to my iPod so here’s a rap I wrote that would’ve been ultra cool during the closing credits, with a rude beat I found on the Internet that you can use to sing along:

Light the wick, I’m talking John Wick
Forrest Gump? Nah, what are you, sick?

He’ll shoot your skull to make sure that you die
He’s got a suit on his back and a gun to his eye
He aims straight and never runs out of guns
It’s Keanu baby, hunk sandwich on action bun
One gold coin might buy you a drink
John Wick 2 a Titanic that won’t sink

Chorus:

John Wick, get up get down, everybody dance
Chapter 2 homie just give it a chance
Action packed no need to skip it
Take your sweetie to the movies, get a ticket ask guy to rip it

I’d give this movie 11 “loaded guns” out of 13 “but I thought we don’t support guns”. I’d recommend it to anyone who needs to hide somewhere for two hours.

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Movie Review — Ghostbusters

The Ghostbusters don’t have dicks anymore because the new Ghostbusters are 100% women. Their new adventure begins, middles and ends much like the adventures of their tit-loving 80s counterparts: The Ghostbusters notice there are ghosts around; they bust; people think they’re bullshit; bigger ghosts come; they bust; people believe them. They carry the same brand of laser, hate slime, and are pretty horny just like the first Ghostbusters, so there’s lots to like and plenty of fresh spooks and camera angles to keep you and your master happy.

Any movie about ghosts is going to have an aura of fear surrounding it, and this major project is no different. For instance, the makers were so scared that people would get pissed that the old Ghostbusters aren’t the new Ghostbusters that they haunted new movie with the old Ghostbusters to make you go “A ha!”, and your dad go, “Thank goodness 80% of them are alive”. These appearances don’t make the movie any better, and quite frankly I would’ve enjoyed seeing more of today’s hottest comedy stars in their stead–male, female, grandpa, whatever, just give me a movie that doesn’t remind me that I’m so dumb for watching a movie that’s already been made.

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Horn dogs will be disappointed to know that the new Ghostbusters wear comfortable, work-appropriate  jumpsuits, with nary a bra strap flashed. Don’t worry you Mountain Dewds because this baby still looked great with primary-coloured ghosts, a big car with real lights, and New York City being its rude rude self.

One of the only men in this was Chris Hemsworth who you know as exotic fighter Thor from the Spiderman movies. They wrote him as an idiot, which made for big laughs because even though the reasonable part of the world treats races and genders the same, we’ll all still willing to laugh at a fuckin moron all day long.

I don’t know about you, but I like my summer crammed with pineapple flavour, weekly dips, no snakes, and plenty of fresh movies to keep my summer mind off the bads, and on the rads. If the world is a refrigerator then this movie is a carbonated, artisan blend of tropical fruits, but it’s still made by Pepsi, you know? I’d give this movie seven who cares it’s just a movie out of 10 watch it but don’t think about it and would recommend it to anyone who doesn’t have air conditioning seeking respite.

Movie Review — Captain America: Civil War

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The tits and fists of Marvel’s finest are on full display in the latest comic book to huge screen transfer, in a movie we’re all forced to call, Captain America: Civil War. This heavyweight’s got everything you love, from tailored black leather jackets and vests zipped halfway up, to black cotton jackets zipped half way up. It’s all bound together by out of this world action and special FX from Hollywood’s most expensive computers.

I’ll give you two guesses what this story is about… did you guess “trouble”? Trouble seems to follow these super stars wherever they go. This time around a really smart guy without any control over lightning or water named Zemo decides to split the team apart by totally outsmarting them. This is one of those nouveau bad boys who starts the movie as a “who is this guy?” then is slowly revealed as a “someone who’s pissed about something that happened before”.

Because of this guy’s bad brain, the Avengers gotta choose between fighting alongside half man/half car Iron Man, or U.S. citizen and accomplished globetrotter, Captain America. Once the teams are evenly distributed so that no one cries, they all go at it  with thousands of hard but safe punches and whatever magic Santa brought them for puberty. This raises the question, “who are the bad guys?” but is easily answered by “he who wishes to explode something”. Since none of the following are eager to destroy more skyscrapers than is necessary when fighting a huge creature, they’re still good even if they scowl more than usual.

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Iron Man’s team has a couple aliens, cat woman and his buddy who always copies him.

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Captain America signed up Robin Hood, A Falcon, Mrs. Boring, his best friend who totally rocks even though his brain is screwed, and Paul Rudd

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Heheheh is this Batman??? No way. 

Throughout this thing I couldn’t help but think of how comfortable the Avengers are at their compound where Tony Stark has provided them with unlimited furniture, leather jackets, and a screen next to every toilet.

I’d give this movie seven Marvel movies out of ten Disney Universes, and would recommend it to any shut-ins who want something bright but can’t do the sun.

Movie review — The Witch

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The Witch is about a REALLY dumb family who moves away from a fairly crappy New England village full of fellow British immigrants to a dirty old field next to the scariest and wettest woods in the world. The reason? Something to do with God, I don’t know, I couldn’t understand a damn thing anyone was saying.

God is as big a part of this movie as wet wood and witches are. I learned that if you move to an isolated field in the 1600s, God becomes your neighbour, friend, enemy, boss, witch-repellent, TV, song inspiration, dinner conversation, you name it, God’s it. This family doesn’t go two seconds without thinking about God, which I guess makes sense if you 100% believe there’s a guy in the sky who can kill you at any second.

Ralph Ineson as "dad"

Ralph Ineson as “dad”

God certainly didn’t tell them that the dark, wet, cold place they decided to move would be a witch’s paradise, but they should’ve known since it’s not as if witches dig the beach. They get what they bargained for because an old witch steals one of the family’s babies then pulls all these tricks to make them go crazy. There’s also a pretty cool ram named Black Philip who steals every scene (and a few souls hehehe).

While I was watching The Witch I started fantasizing about travelling back in time and wowing the characters with modern knowledge and technology as I always do when watching period pieces. In this fantasy I ride up to their really shitty house on what you and I would deem a crummy mountain bike, only to them it’s the fuckin’ craziest thing they ever saw.

Once I make them shut up about the bike I ask them to explain why they’re so bummed. I get a bit scared of this witch shit but seeing how bonkers they went for the mountain bike, I tighten my scarf and fearlessly waltz into the woods armed with nothing more than the flash light I have in my backpack.

I spot the witch and BAM, flash light into her eyes .

“What kind of witchcraft is this,” she screams, “Dost though control the sun”?

“It’s a Coleman, 5.99 at Home Hardware,” I cockily exclaim.

She gives in to my “magic”, appoints me head witch and next thing you know I’m partying nude with a coven who can’t get enough of the duct tape I also brought along.

Two weeks in the woods and I’m like, “Aw shit I forgot about those British immigrants,” then I go back to the homestead where they’re like, “We have n’aint layeth eyes uponst the witch since the eleventeen star, wherest doth thee been?” I  casually explain what’s up and that the witches will chill as long as the family doesn’t have any more babies because witches are attracted to fresh flesh like Harvey Levin is to a hot scoop. I’d leave them wondering who Harvey Levin is then bike back to the witches and party until my Time Gauntlet signals the end of the journey.

I give The Witch, More Goats Please Out Of 10 and would recommend it to anyone who is considering of moving off the grid.

Movie Review — The Hateful Eight

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There’s only one way to cure the space fever that’s infected movie watchers worldwide this holiday season, and that’s by seeing a film that takes place on God’s great ground. This doctor would recommend a few syringes full of The Hateful Eight, a new horse-drawn bleeder from the Stud of Blood himself, Q. Tarantino.

If you prefer your earth muck-brown or grass-green then maybe should keep your melon on the moon because this baby is teeming with the white stuff and I’m not talkin’ whipped cream. It’s a snow-covered epic that screams, “I’m a cowboy movie”, although I felt I was watching award-winning actors playing dress up with clothes and hats by award-winning costume designers influenced by an old Pendleton catalog they found at the famous Rose Bowl Flea Market. Let’s just say that the leads look more “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” than “These Are Horsey Gentlemen”, know what I mean? I’m all for being stylish but when the guy steering the carriage looks more more fashionable than me–a hip, youngish northern urbanite with a keen eye for flair–I can’t help but get taken out of frozen Hell and into Elle.

It’s cool though, this is a movie, not the New York Times. There’s plenty of dirt, blankets, fur, chunky stews and wood-paneled shacks to evoke feelings of a time before non-stick pans.

The story is about a bunch of assholes who happen upon each other on this shitty mountain in Wyoming. There’s one woman whom everyone else revolves around like a nerd at a movie museum revolving around a life-sized BB-8 droid who’s revolving around itself while revolving around a made-up universe with planets named after nothing but human imagination. To tell you anything more than that would be to betray Me-Everyone else who doesn’t jam hard like me confidentiality, so let’s just say that they don’t spend their time in the shack exchangin’ boot sizes and fried bread recipes.

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With Tarantino telling everyone what to do and say you get a lot of adult themes, liquor use, swearing and shooting. There’s more than enough snow and a couple mentions of J.C.’s b-day to designate it a Christmas movie, with enough western themes to trick your dad into seeing it.

I’d give The Hateful Eight a “yee haw I didn’t mind paying for this” out of 10 and hope that Tarantino’s next movie has a few cell phones in it for Christ’s sake.

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City Toads (1990)

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Daring actors of Hollywood

Lights, camera and action! TIFF is back for another year of critically acclaimed films, hot parties and loads of totally radical folks from the PR industry who truly believe they rule.

Unfortunately for all you film buffs, glennmacaulay.com was denied press accreditation again this year because we’re well-known for our HONESTY when it comes to movie reviews. Worry not because that won’t stop us from delivery premium content related to Toronto’s biggest annual event and to start things off we’ve got a little history lesson inspired a daring choice made by a modern actor.

During a Q ‘n A for this new movie, The Program, actor Ben Foster-Wright-Penn revealed he took real drugs to help him act like disgraced biker Lance Armstrong. This isn’t the first time a real deal actor has taken a big risk for the sake of cinema. Here are some other memorable ones:

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To prep for his role as the uncle of Clifford (1994), a trouble-making little boy played by law-abiding adult Martin Short, Charles Grodin legally adopted a 48-year old named Nico and raised him as his own.

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Laura Dern spent six months in a sad, sexless relationship with a British workaholic named Spencer prior to filming Jurassic Park (1993) with co-star Sam Neill.

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Before puppeteering Jedi Master Yoda in 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back, Frank Oz trained by growing a creature on his hand. Right before shooting began the creature was surgically removed and eventually starred in Ghoulies (1984)

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Sly Stallone spent two weeks wooing, dating, marrying, then divorcing a quiet nerd with major babe potential before shooting on Rocky (1976) began.

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Keanu Reeves signed up for his first email account a mere four days before principal photography began on The Matrix (1999).

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Ernie Hudson spent four months living with a spooky white family before Ghostbusters (1983).

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Neve Campbell spent a week in the special needs kindergarten class of an L.A.-area elementary school to prepare for her scenes with Matthew Lillard in the horror classic Scream (1996).

 

Movie Review — Chappie

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Chappie is the new robot movie, made by humans, using robots, for humans, not robots. This is Hugh Jackman’s second major robot movie, the first being 2011’s Real Steel about a different sort of robot altogether.

The robot in Chappie is so cute. Chappie isn’t the name of the robot’s dog or anything, it’s actually the name of the robot, which is groundbreaking because robots usually have names with numbers or computer words in them. Hopefully this won’t deter robot fans from seeing it because they assume it’s about a British boy with a vivid imagination, when it’s really about a robot boy with a vivid imagination. That’s kind of what sets this movie apart from other robot movies because most names of robot movies could be applied to any other robot movie but not Chappie. This movie could’ve been called these other robot titles and it wouldn’t change anything, but if I were called “Larry” instead of “Glenn” I probably wouldn’t dream as big as I do.

Terminator 
Short Circuit
Real Steel
A.I.
RoboCop
The Iron Giant
I, Robot

(If you’re not going to church today, use these j-pegs to trick your dumbest friend or oldest neighbour into believing a new reality)

The rave baby from South Africa’s top selling attention beacons, Die Antwoord, gives Chappie his name in the movie because in the movie she’s kind of his mom. At least that’s what Chappie thinks. Chappie’s mom is technically Dev Patel because he makes Chappie and the rest of the movie’s bots except for the one Hugh Jackman makes. Hugh Jackman’s robot is way bigger than Chappie and isn’t cute at all except that he’s called “Moose”, which was also the name of the shy little cutie in Ernest Goes To Camp.

Film's cutest "Moose"

Film’s cutest “Moose”

Chappie was made by South Africa’s only movie director, Neill Blomkamp. If you liked his other movies you’ll like this one because it combines the crud of District 9 with the tense, last minute computer uploads of Elysium. This is definitely the cutest of this three movies, with all the credit going toward Chappie himself. The two cartoons from Die Antwoord are only cute if you’re an asexual hacker.

If Blomkamp’s next movie is about the gritty underbelly of Johannesburg’s recycling industry it would make sense because Chappie is full of recycled ideas (and robot parts!) from the world of movies and robots. That’s okay though because Chappie is so friendly and his voice was very good thanks to South Africa’s only actor Sharlto Copley, who proves he’s more than just a human in this great piece of sound recording.

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I’d give Chappie a “it’s easier to watch Chappie than to Wikipedia ‘South Africa’s top entertainers’ because they’re all in Chappie” out of 10. This might even be the last robot movie before real robots, which will probably change the way we make robot movies. They probably won’t seem so cute once they’re out there taking our jobs and dating our athletes, eh?

Thanks for watching movies and I’ll see you on the street after you’ve seen a movie so we can talk about it.

Famous movies scenes without FX

Computers are the most popular machines in the world right now and they’ve make every aspect of life easier from booking a vacation to learning trumpet. The movie industry has loved computers since day one and has utilized them to make their films bigger and better, taking us to new worlds and introducing us to fantastical creatures who if real would make us shit our pants.

Here are some rare images of cinema’s most iconic scenes with their computer effects removed. You won’t believe your eyes, I’m so serious.

The Return of the Jedi (1983)

By the time the third film in the effects-heavy Star Wars trilogy was released, George Lucas really knew his way around a mouse. In a famous scene toward the end of the film, our hero Luke Skywalker fences his brother Darth while the Old Master watches. After they shot the scene, Lucas realized his actors didn’t look old enough so he tinkered with it until he got to this:

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Unbelievably, this is what the scene originally looked like:

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Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Director Quentin Tarantino is a real purist, often sleeping on piles of film and using a clapperboard to cut his fresh pasta. He was vehemently against tinkering with the famous slow walk scene in Reservoir Dogs but when renowned street artist BARF threatened to sue Tarantino unless his signature tag was removed from the background, the director was forced to use computer effects to cover it up. Here’s a still from the original scene, as shot:

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Tarantino and BARF eventually became friends and even though it didn’t make it into the movie, the tag was seen by millions of people when MoMA in New York featured it in its “St. Paint” exhibition:

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The Lion King (1994)

Disney struck gold with the release of its animated tale about a lion trying not to die, but production of the film wasn’t all cuddles and heirloom tomatoes. The use of a brand new technology where live action footage could be easily transformed into animation proved time-consuming and very expensive, causing then Disney CEO Michael Eisner to call the production “a fuckin’ tit tumor”. Here’s the final version of one of the film’s most iconic images:

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Now compare that to the same scene before digital artists went to work:

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You may recognize the young actor as Foxcatcher’s Mark Ruffalo, who had been interning at Disney at the time.

North by Northwest (1959)

Director Alfred Hitchcock bought the world’s first movie computer prior to shooting this classic film starring Cary Grant, hoping to use it in a key scene where the hero is chased by an airplane:

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Unfortunately, the invention of the airplane was a still a few months away but Hitchcock had heard about the technology through Wired Magazine and simply had to include it in the film. To motivate the famously fickle Grant to act like he was actually scared, Hitchcock had the three things the actor feared most and had them chase him only to be replaced digitally with the plane during post-production. Here’s that same iconic shot with its effects removed:

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CG’s greatest fears — mallards, grizzlies and his nephew Barney.

The Goonies (1985)

The Goonies was the result of George Lucas daring his friend Stephen Spielberg to make a movie about “a group of destitute kids and their mongoloid”. After completing the dare and looking at the footage, Spielberg thought the kids didn’t look shitty enough, so he shot fresh footage with new actors and digitally added them to existing scenes using USC’s then brand-new computer lab. Here’s a famous shot of the Goonies team that America fell in love with:

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And here’s the original group in the same shot before they were digitally replaced:

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The Shining (1980)

Stanley Kubrick is known for shooting take after take of the same scene, often frustrating actors and crew. When shooting the scene where Jack Nicholson goes crazy and tries to eat his wife, Kubrick has the actor break through the door 900 times before calling it a day. As the day wore on Jack would sip on a potent combination of castor oil and dark rum causing him to lose his concentration. It got so bad that he would forget his lines mid-take so Kubrick was forced to find creative ways to have him remember what to say. In the take that was ultimately used in the film, Nicholson was 27 Oil Drums deep and couldn’t tell the camera from the little boy who played Donnie, so Kubrick scribbled the famous line on the door frame for Jack’s reference. Here is what the scene looks like without digital editing where you can see Jack looking over and reading the text, that gave the scene an extra level of creepiness once it was removed:

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**Bonus** The Matrix (1999) Original Test Footage:

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