Tag Archives: movies

Hahaha New Poster

When I see a computer I never see a computer I see a horse. They’re very similar. Horses run fast or slow, computers run fast or slow. Some horses are expensive, some computers are expensive. My computer is an old horse who is most comfortable sleeping upright in the barn. If you bother her her hard drive will neigh.  Every now and then, when the dew softens the summer clay, I take her for a trot among the trees and we dance, together, with the wind. Here is a new trot:

Advertisements

The Definitive Star Wars Audience Participation Script

The popularity of Star Wars is due to many things, most notably its soundtrack, which when played backwards describes the exact location of George Lucas’ high school locker.

But over the years, and several fan pilgrimages to Robin Hood High in Modesto, CA, the movie has taken on a life of its own and continues to be screened on big ones across the world. Fans have even taken it upon themselves to immerse themselves into the action by reacting in unison at certain points of the film, thereby becoming part of it.

Next time you find yourself on shore leave with nothing but a pocket full of ground beef and a few hours to spare, head out to a Star Wars screening and follow along with the diehards using this complete guide:


The show begins with the designated SM (Star Master) warning any first-timers that “their balls are about to be blown off”. The audience responds, “HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET BLOWN OFF?” to which the SM replies, “WITH LASERS, SPACESHIPS, ALIENS, AND FIGHTS”.

The SM retreats to the back row where a bushel of peaches awaits.  He or she will then ROLL A PEACH down the aisle whenever a PLANET or ASTEROID appears onscreen (if peaches aren’t in season, use onions).


As the famous opening crawl begins with “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…”, each audience member holds up a COMPASS, says in unison “WON’T  BE NEEDING THIS” then throws them behind them toward the SM. The SM collects each compass for later.


Then you are to READ THE CRAWL in unison, verbatim, in the VOICE OF YOUR FATHER.

VERBALIZE every piece of punctuation using their special Star Wars code names:

Comma = Low Helmet
Period = Little Planet
Apostrophe = High Helmet
Ellipses = Laser Holes

Example: Pursued by the Empire HIGH HELMETs sinister agents LOW HELMET Princess Leia races home aboard her starship LOW HELMET custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy LASER HOLES


Right after C-3P0 and R2-D2 cross the hallway, just before Vader arrives, shout out, “BIG MAMA’S COMING!”


When Luke sees Leia’s message for the first time, she says “Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope” a bunch of times.

After the SECOND time the she says it say “AGAIN, PLEASE”, then after the third time “OKAY WE GET IT, SHUT UP”


Right when R5-D4’s motivator blows, everyone gets out their phones and DELETES THEIR MOST RECENT EMAIL.


When Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are discussing Luke’s future:

Beru: Luke’s not a farmer Owen he has too much of his father in him
Owen: That’s what I’m afraid of…

The audience responds, “I’M AFRAID OF _____” filling in the blank with your greatest fear. The Star Master chooses the dumbest fear of the crowd and forces that person to sit backwards the rest of the screening.


In the iconic scene where Luke leaves his house and looks to the Tatooine night sky with its two suns, scream, “GIMME DOUBLE PEACHES, STAR MASTER”


When Obi-Wan removes his hood to reveal himself for the first time and says “Hello There”, everyone TAKES OFF THEIR SHIRTS, stows them under their seats, and responds with “HI, MAN”.


At the first appearance of Chewbacca at the Mos Eisley Cantina, take the GROUND BEEF out of your pocket and THROW IT AT THE SCREEN.


When Ponda Baba’s arm is cut off by Obi-Wan Kenobi, everyone HOLDS UP THE ARM they wouldn’t mind losing, wiggles it around, and says “HERE, HAVE MINE”.

The SM counts the number of rights and lefts held up and will report the data to the local census board as a sign of goodwill. When delivered, the SM will tell the associate he or she deals with, “From Luke and his farm, I give you these arms”.


At the first sight of the Death Star, after Obi-Wan says, “That’s no moon”, the audience responds,  “NOPE! IT’S ANOTHER PEACH, BABY”.


While in the detention area, a frantic Han says, “Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?”

The audience responds, “WE’RE OKAY BUT WE COULD USE A SHIRT”.


When our heroes land in the garbage chute on the Death Star, take any garbage accumulated during the screening and THROW IT BACKWARD toward the SM, while making LASER NOISES.


When Obi-Wan is struck down by Darth Vader his clothes fall to the floor. The audience RETRIEVES the shirts they removed earlier and THROWS THEM AT THE SCREEN.


When Luke says, “I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They’re not much bigger than two meters”, respond with “TWO METERS? THAT’S AT LEAST FIFTY PEACHES”. Then everyone turns around to face the SM who responds, “I AM YOUR MASTER AND I ROLL WHEN I SAY I ROLL”.


When the pilots take the their ships for the attack, the shirtless crowd leaves the theatre and must go out to the street to TELL 10 STRANGERS ABOUT STAR WARS.

Once you successfully fill your quota, jog back to the theatre and take your seat. If you’re able to get back in time for when Luke deals the fatal blow to the Death Star, POP a ZIT (if you have one) and SHOUT out “I MADE IT”.


As Luke, Han, and Chewbacca walk down the aisle to receive their awards, the LEFT SIDE of the audience chants “LET’S GO LUKE, LET’S GO LUKE, HAN AND CHEWY MAKE ME PUKE”. The RIGHT SIDE responds with “HAN AND HIS PET, HAN AND HIS PET, LUKE WEARS A DIAPER AND IT’S ALL WET”


As the end credits begin to roll the SM will reward the peaches to the first person who returned to his or her seat after canvassing the neighbourhood. That lucky patron then leads a parade outside the theatre where everyone who DIDN’T get back in time is waiting.

The SM then BURNS the pile of compasses along with the garbage and discarded shirts. The SM will also form patties out of the ground beef and grill them over the burning pile. The person who got the peaches must stomp them into a jam to be spread onto each patty, then distribute the peach burgers to the fans. Once the food is consumed the screening has concluded.


Everyone has a SAFE RIDE HOME.

Movie Review — Logan

Logan is better known as Wolverine, the Canadian mad man with claws who spends his new movie, Logan, as a guy named James even though his friends call him Logan and strangers call him Wolverine if they’ve heard of him.

Logan is fucked up big time in this movie, forcing Hugh Jackman to act with a limp the whole time for probably the first time in his career. In this chapter of the book of this character that’s shaped like a paw, Logan is still alive in the future year of 2029 with his friend and fake dad Professor X. In this he meets a little girl who is exactly like him yet he is still surprised to find out she’s his daughter, probably because the only school he ever went to only taught him how to beat up weirdos and not freak out any time someone looks at him funny.

This movie is a lot like Bad News Bears because it’s about a little daughter helping out a drunk middle age daddy who doesn’t seem to even want a daughter. The little girl in this one looks less like Tatum O’Neal and more like a young Lukas Haas, actor and charter member of Hollywood’s original Pussy Posse.

This movie is also like Terminator 2 in a way because there’s tons of stabbing and a guy protecting a kid, and also kind of like Little Miss Sunshine because there are quite a few road trip sequences and drugs. For you Spielberg fans there’s even a touch of Hook in that there’s some powerful kids hanging out in a clubhouse which Logan goes to in a tuxedo like Robin Williams in Hook.

There were so many stabbings in this movie that I’m surprised it’s not rated S. But seriously, when a movie stars at least 3 people with claws there’d better be wounds, and boy were the movie ambulances you never see burning rubber over the few days or whatever that this thing took place.

This future in this movie isn’t half bad except for this army of guys who all have robot arms doing whatever it is they feel like all day long. And every car is made by GM/Chrysler in the future. That sucks because my family has been about Fords since the ’90 Taurus wagon.

There’s one good eating scene at a stranger’s dinner table and one good bathroom scene, which are good numbers for a major motion picture.

This ain’t the kind of X-Men movie with blue chicks and karate aliens and shit, it’s more raw and that makes sense because Wolverine like his meat raw and his beer cold. Oh Canada indeed.

I’d give this movie 23 “stab wounds” out of 28 “ADR grunts” and would recommend it to anyone who is looking to prank someone religious.

Image

City Toads (1990)

turtles

Daring actors of Hollywood

Lights, camera and action! TIFF is back for another year of critically acclaimed films, hot parties and loads of totally radical folks from the PR industry who truly believe they rule.

Unfortunately for all you film buffs, glennmacaulay.com was denied press accreditation again this year because we’re well-known for our HONESTY when it comes to movie reviews. Worry not because that won’t stop us from delivery premium content related to Toronto’s biggest annual event and to start things off we’ve got a little history lesson inspired a daring choice made by a modern actor.

During a Q ‘n A for this new movie, The Program, actor Ben Foster-Wright-Penn revealed he took real drugs to help him act like disgraced biker Lance Armstrong. This isn’t the first time a real deal actor has taken a big risk for the sake of cinema. Here are some other memorable ones:

still-of-charles-grodin-and-martin-short-in-clifford-(1994)-large-picture

To prep for his role as the uncle of Clifford (1994), a trouble-making little boy played by law-abiding adult Martin Short, Charles Grodin legally adopted a 48-year old named Nico and raised him as his own.

jurassic-park-3d-laura-dern-sam-neill

Laura Dern spent six months in a sad, sexless relationship with a British workaholic named Spencer prior to filming Jurassic Park (1993) with co-star Sam Neill.

captura-de-pantalla-2012-12-04-a-las-11-01-52

Before puppeteering Jedi Master Yoda in 1980’s The Empire Strikes Back, Frank Oz trained by growing a creature on his hand. Right before shooting began the creature was surgically removed and eventually starred in Ghoulies (1984)

rocky

Sly Stallone spent two weeks wooing, dating, marrying, then divorcing a quiet nerd with major babe potential before shooting on Rocky (1976) began.

2028TheMatrix

Keanu Reeves signed up for his first email account a mere four days before principal photography began on The Matrix (1999).

zeddemore

Ernie Hudson spent four months living with a spooky white family before Ghostbusters (1983).

fhd996SCR_Neve_Campbell_009

Neve Campbell spent a week in the special needs kindergarten class of an L.A.-area elementary school to prepare for her scenes with Matthew Lillard in the horror classic Scream (1996).

 

Famous movies scenes without FX

Computers are the most popular machines in the world right now and they’ve make every aspect of life easier from booking a vacation to learning trumpet. The movie industry has loved computers since day one and has utilized them to make their films bigger and better, taking us to new worlds and introducing us to fantastical creatures who if real would make us shit our pants.

Here are some rare images of cinema’s most iconic scenes with their computer effects removed. You won’t believe your eyes, I’m so serious.

The Return of the Jedi (1983)

By the time the third film in the effects-heavy Star Wars trilogy was released, George Lucas really knew his way around a mouse. In a famous scene toward the end of the film, our hero Luke Skywalker fences his brother Darth while the Old Master watches. After they shot the scene, Lucas realized his actors didn’t look old enough so he tinkered with it until he got to this:

luke_vs_vader_ds2

Unbelievably, this is what the scene originally looked like:

empire

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Director Quentin Tarantino is a real purist, often sleeping on piles of film and using a clapperboard to cut his fresh pasta. He was vehemently against tinkering with the famous slow walk scene in Reservoir Dogs but when renowned street artist BARF threatened to sue Tarantino unless his signature tag was removed from the background, the director was forced to use computer effects to cover it up. Here’s a still from the original scene, as shot:

reservoir_dogs

Tarantino and BARF eventually became friends and even though it didn’t make it into the movie, the tag was seen by millions of people when MoMA in New York featured it in its “St. Paint” exhibition:

artgallerybarf

The Lion King (1994)

Disney struck gold with the release of its animated tale about a lion trying not to die, but production of the film wasn’t all cuddles and heirloom tomatoes. The use of a brand new technology where live action footage could be easily transformed into animation proved time-consuming and very expensive, causing then Disney CEO Michael Eisner to call the production “a fuckin’ tit tumor”. Here’s the final version of one of the film’s most iconic images:

error

Now compare that to the same scene before digital artists went to work:

hoisting_trophyLarge

You may recognize the young actor as Foxcatcher’s Mark Ruffalo, who had been interning at Disney at the time.

North by Northwest (1959)

Director Alfred Hitchcock bought the world’s first movie computer prior to shooting this classic film starring Cary Grant, hoping to use it in a key scene where the hero is chased by an airplane:

North-by-Northwest-1959_gallery_primary

Unfortunately, the invention of the airplane was a still a few months away but Hitchcock had heard about the technology through Wired Magazine and simply had to include it in the film. To motivate the famously fickle Grant to act like he was actually scared, Hitchcock had the three things the actor feared most and had them chase him only to be replaced digitally with the plane during post-production. Here’s that same iconic shot with its effects removed:

northbynorthwest

CG’s greatest fears — mallards, grizzlies and his nephew Barney.

The Goonies (1985)

The Goonies was the result of George Lucas daring his friend Stephen Spielberg to make a movie about “a group of destitute kids and their mongoloid”. After completing the dare and looking at the footage, Spielberg thought the kids didn’t look shitty enough, so he shot fresh footage with new actors and digitally added them to existing scenes using USC’s then brand-new computer lab. Here’s a famous shot of the Goonies team that America fell in love with:

movie-theme-goonies_610

And here’s the original group in the same shot before they were digitally replaced:

goonies

The Shining (1980)

Stanley Kubrick is known for shooting take after take of the same scene, often frustrating actors and crew. When shooting the scene where Jack Nicholson goes crazy and tries to eat his wife, Kubrick has the actor break through the door 900 times before calling it a day. As the day wore on Jack would sip on a potent combination of castor oil and dark rum causing him to lose his concentration. It got so bad that he would forget his lines mid-take so Kubrick was forced to find creative ways to have him remember what to say. In the take that was ultimately used in the film, Nicholson was 27 Oil Drums deep and couldn’t tell the camera from the little boy who played Donnie, so Kubrick scribbled the famous line on the door frame for Jack’s reference. Here is what the scene looks like without digital editing where you can see Jack looking over and reading the text, that gave the scene an extra level of creepiness once it was removed:

shining

**Bonus** The Matrix (1999) Original Test Footage:

fight club

Move Review — The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies

HobCoolBombur

Hobbit-Heads worldwide got an extra special Christmas orange this year in the form of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, the third and final Hobbit film. This new Hobbit movie is the perfect dessert after a satisfying meal of two other Hobbit movies. If you’re confused it’s because there were three Rings movies that featured more way more Hobbits than The Hobbit and to top that off, the Lord of the Rings of the Rings movies isn’t even a Hobbit.

This baby girl picked up right where we left off with the dragon burning the water city and the dwarves and the Hobbit waiting around. Then a dad kills the dragon and you think “oh the adventure is over, the gold is won”, but rather than worry where their next turnip is going to come from, beings from all over the country want some gold for themselves or maybe as a present for their sweeties so they walk to the mountain for some war.

There are supposed to be five armies fighting for the gold — the pretty elves, the funny dwarves, the boring humans, the outrageous orcs and I guess the Hobbit who manages to survive even though he’s from a town full of pussies.

hqdefault

The orcs were extra scary but still managed to be killed by the hobos and children from the burned town, little dwarves wearing very heavy hats and a Hobbit who doesn’t even wear boots. This was making me mad but then I realized that the reason the orcs don’t fight well is because they don’t train! They sit around and accuse each other of being gay and wait until their big boss says “run”. Meanwhile, the little guys who kill them drape themselves in magic clothes and train all day, no joking around until after supper, that kind of thing. And where’s the motivation? If the orcs win a battle they still have to go back to the dungeon and sleep in their armour, it’s not like they have pajamas. It’s like a goth on Christmas–even if they want to get into their jammies they can’t or else they won’t be goth anymore despite how pure the flannel is. You think there are post-battle treats in the dungeons? Yeah right. Maybe a clean rat will wander in and they can split it but even still, no one would share because they feel too much pressure to be rude.

We know that everything works out fine because this movie happens before the Rings movies that we’ve all already seen. That’s cool though, it’s about the journey not the destination and if there’s one little boy who knows that all too well it’s Bilbo Baggins of the Shire, the title Hobbit of the film.

hobbitnails

I saw The Hobbit for free because Uncle Dave was running the IMAX projector and snuck me in. I got to press “play” in the control booth and that kind of power made me feel like Gandalf, my favourite wizard. I ate no snacks but got to leave my jacket in the booth so that I felt very free and comfortable in my seat, not worrying about any opportunists looking to pinch the jackets of Hobbit fans whose eyes were glued to the screen full of creatures. I’d give this movie a “I might as well finish the trilogy” out of 10 and would recommend it to someone who wants to annoy a friend who hates modern filmmaking.

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 22

Stop, drop and roll, then sit, logon and surf. Then read the previous Advent adventure entries, roll, drop, then read today’s. 

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10             December 18
December 3              December 11              December 19
December 4              December 12             December 20
December 5              December 13             December 21
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


You’re walking down a decrepit downtown street in a city that looks a lot like Jackson, Mississippi. You won a trip there through the famous “Win a Trip to Jackson” contest that Pringles ran a few years ago. Remember those commercials?

Anyway, up ahead a beggar is seeking change or maybe something else like food or juice. When you get closer you recognize the man as actor Chevy Chase. Looks like you’ve been transported into the movie you were hoping to see the preview for. Pretty cool that you get to meet another celebrity on this journey, the first being Gary Oldman back on December 2. Your career number of celeb encounters has now doubled, the first two being Cheri Oteri and Stone Cold Steve Austin who you saw on a date once when you used to valet cars during university.

“Spare any treats?” Chevy asks with that classic wide-eyed face he sometimes uses.

CGDD pic

You move to check your pockets and realize that the outfit you’ve been wearing doesn’t have any. Had you noticed this earlier you would’ve totally had those aliens sew you some.

“How about a joke instead?” you respond.

“I can’t eat one of those but jokes are the candy of the soul,” Chevy says.

You kind of expected him to say “no” and scowl at you, so now you have to come up with a joke. You kind of wish you hadn’t thrown out that “Big Book of Common Gags” that your niece gave you last Halloween. You rely on your natural wit instead.

“How many… uh… how many Thomas Edisons does it take to… screw… I mean invent a lightbulb?”

“Well just one I would suppose,” Chevy says with a smirk. “That’s pretty funny actually.”

“No, wrong. It’s uh… two. Two Thomas Edisons. One to invent the lightbulb and another to… umm… another to market it and… test it?” you stumble. Man, that sucked.

“Sounds like you’re in more trouble than I am and I’m in big trouble. If I don’t get to St. Louis by noon tomorrow my kids are going to explode.”

You had read about the movie’s plot on a small-time Hollywood blog run by a guy who calls himself “Philm” and thought it sounded pretty cool but now you’re not so sure.

Chevy produces a flyer from the breast pocket of the burlap duster he’s got on.

12-december-22-2013-luke-126-27-celebrate-jesus-at-christmas-1-638

“Take this. Father Ben helped me realize the true meaning of Christmas and taught me enough piano to win the jazz contest, which I’ll need to do to be able afford to buy my wife back from the hackers. After I get my kids back of course.”

BINGO. The Advent date gate that should lead to your next, stupid adventure. You wish he hadn’t further ruined the plot of the movie but it sounds like dog shit so you’ll probably skip it anyway.

“Thanks a lot mister. Can you autograph it for me?” you ask.

“Of course, of course.”

Chevy takes a lump of coal out from under his hat and scribbles something on the flyer. He hands it back.

auto

You were hoping he’d sign it “C. Chase” but since you’re actually in a movie you suppose it makes sense. Weird name for a character though.

The autograph starts to glow and you realize that it represents this phase’s Advent treat. You start to disappear and smile knowing this thing is almost over because you’re tired of doing it every day.

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 21

Unlike a night out at Red Lobster, these previous Advent entries are totally FREE.

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10             December 18
December 3              December 11              December 19
December 4              December 12             December 20
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


Bet you thought you were going to end up in a chocolate factory! Instead, you’re seated in the middle row of an empty movie theatre. Did you know that chocolate accounts for 56% of all concession stand sales across major American theatre chains? If you didn’t that’s fine because it’s probably not true, but the fact remains that chocolate is a major piece of the movie going experience, which is why the Advent chocolate that the aliens gave you, brought you here.

Speaking of which, you give your head a stroke, checking to see if the hairstyle that E.T. gave you survived the trip. It feels like strands of denim, so yep, it’s still there. You hope it survives all the way home because you’re sure your cousins will get jealous at the annual family Christmas party and it’s definitely their turn. Last year they showed up wearing elbow pads and everyone went nuts. The only other time you felt that jealous was when your local library got Blu-rays before you.

You wouldn’t mind catching a flick right now and hope that in this dimension they got The Hobbit because you like any story where smaller guys don’t complain.

The house lights start to dim, the curtain rises and the projector fires up.

Empty Movie Theater and Screen --- Image by © Corbis

Fuckin’ typical. You don’t even get to see the previews. You were really hoping to catch a glimpse of that new Chevy Chase movie where he plays against type and portrays a poor guy who isn’t cool.

You reluctantly approach the screen and decide to cause a little mischief by punching a hole through it. If you’re not going to be able to see The Hobbit, no one will. Instead of making a perfect, fist-sized puncture, you hand goes through the screen without making as much as a scratch. You quickly understand that this is a Last Action Hero type situation, take a deep breath and walk through the screen into nothingness. Lights, camera, acting!

 

Movie pitch: Glennegades

Title:

GLENNEGADES

Log Line:

A Toronto Glenn recruits the world’s top Glenns to stop a sinister brigade of Daniels from taking full control of the ‘Glenn’ Wikipedia page… and the world.

Synopsis:

In the year 2016 the Planet Earth is undergoing massive changes. A new generation of Tylers and Ethans threaten the existence of the Daves and Jims of old while the Internet continues to distract the public from shadows that lurk beneath the everyday mundane.

One afternoon, hacker, DJ and scientist Glenn M. stumbles upon a subgroup of Daniels looking to systematically erase the history of humanity’s most powerful names, starting with the Glenns. Before he has time to roll his eyes and spit on his monitor, Glenn M.’s activity is tracked by Daniels’ security forces and thanks to a anonymous tip (ends up being his brother, Scott), he leaves his apartment before it’s ransacked and vandalized with old bandages and Daniel Day-Louis posters.

Glenn M. hacks an airplane and flies it to Scotland where his name originated, rendezvousing with a beautiful Glenn named Glenn. Using her skills as a master seductress and half-decent jogger, Glenn helps Glenn recruit a team of world-class Glenns to fight this new threat in order to save not only Glenns but every name we hold dear. Taking Glenn and his team of Glenns around the globe in an action-packed thrill ride, GLENNEGADES is sure to be this century’s best and most exciting piece of art.

If you’re interested in financing this project please leave a crystal tulip on my doorstep and I’ll get back to you. I already have my business partnerships team working on deals to get Glenn-themed fries at Wendy’s (they’re way shorter than regular fries and come with a new purple dip) and a Glenn fedora with his signature seagull feather at Big It Up locations nationwide.

My art department has whipped up some images that I feel brings the hype. As you can see my company and I are well-prepared to take this project out of the stratosphere and into the part of outer space where no one even knows what food is.

Are you ready for opening night?

glennegades

glennegades1