Tag Archives: movies

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 22

Stop, drop and roll, then sit, logon and surf. Then read the previous Advent adventure entries, roll, drop, then read today’s. 

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10             December 18
December 3              December 11              December 19
December 4              December 12             December 20
December 5              December 13             December 21
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


You’re walking down a decrepit downtown street in a city that looks a lot like Jackson, Mississippi. You won a trip there through the famous “Win a Trip to Jackson” contest that Pringles ran a few years ago. Remember those commercials?

Anyway, up ahead a beggar is seeking change or maybe something else like food or juice. When you get closer you recognize the man as actor Chevy Chase. Looks like you’ve been transported into the movie you were hoping to see the preview for. Pretty cool that you get to meet another celebrity on this journey, the first being Gary Oldman back on December 2. Your career number of celeb encounters has now doubled, the first two being Cheri Oteri and Stone Cold Steve Austin who you saw on a date once when you used to valet cars during university.

“Spare any treats?” Chevy asks with that classic wide-eyed face he sometimes uses.

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You move to check your pockets and realize that the outfit you’ve been wearing doesn’t have any. Had you noticed this earlier you would’ve totally had those aliens sew you some.

“How about a joke instead?” you respond.

“I can’t eat one of those but jokes are the candy of the soul,” Chevy says.

You kind of expected him to say “no” and scowl at you, so now you have to come up with a joke. You kind of wish you hadn’t thrown out that “Big Book of Common Gags” that your niece gave you last Halloween. You rely on your natural wit instead.

“How many… uh… how many Thomas Edisons does it take to… screw… I mean invent a lightbulb?”

“Well just one I would suppose,” Chevy says with a smirk. “That’s pretty funny actually.”

“No, wrong. It’s uh… two. Two Thomas Edisons. One to invent the lightbulb and another to… umm… another to market it and… test it?” you stumble. Man, that sucked.

“Sounds like you’re in more trouble than I am and I’m in big trouble. If I don’t get to St. Louis by noon tomorrow my kids are going to explode.”

You had read about the movie’s plot on a small-time Hollywood blog run by a guy who calls himself “Philm” and thought it sounded pretty cool but now you’re not so sure.

Chevy produces a flyer from the breast pocket of the burlap duster he’s got on.

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“Take this. Father Ben helped me realize the true meaning of Christmas and taught me enough piano to win the jazz contest, which I’ll need to do to be able afford to buy my wife back from the hackers. After I get my kids back of course.”

BINGO. The Advent date gate that should lead to your next, stupid adventure. You wish he hadn’t further ruined the plot of the movie but it sounds like dog shit so you’ll probably skip it anyway.

“Thanks a lot mister. Can you autograph it for me?” you ask.

“Of course, of course.”

Chevy takes a lump of coal out from under his hat and scribbles something on the flyer. He hands it back.

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You were hoping he’d sign it “C. Chase” but since you’re actually in a movie you suppose it makes sense. Weird name for a character though.

The autograph starts to glow and you realize that it represents this phase’s Advent treat. You start to disappear and smile knowing this thing is almost over because you’re tired of doing it every day.

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Advent Calendar 2014 — December 21

Unlike a night out at Red Lobster, these previous Advent entries are totally FREE.

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10             December 18
December 3              December 11              December 19
December 4              December 12             December 20
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


Bet you thought you were going to end up in a chocolate factory! Instead, you’re seated in the middle row of an empty movie theatre. Did you know that chocolate accounts for 56% of all concession stand sales across major American theatre chains? If you didn’t that’s fine because it’s probably not true, but the fact remains that chocolate is a major piece of the movie going experience, which is why the Advent chocolate that the aliens gave you, brought you here.

Speaking of which, you give your head a stroke, checking to see if the hairstyle that E.T. gave you survived the trip. It feels like strands of denim, so yep, it’s still there. You hope it survives all the way home because you’re sure your cousins will get jealous at the annual family Christmas party and it’s definitely their turn. Last year they showed up wearing elbow pads and everyone went nuts. The only other time you felt that jealous was when your local library got Blu-rays before you.

You wouldn’t mind catching a flick right now and hope that in this dimension they got The Hobbit because you like any story where smaller guys don’t complain.

The house lights start to dim, the curtain rises and the projector fires up.

Empty Movie Theater and Screen --- Image by © Corbis

Fuckin’ typical. You don’t even get to see the previews. You were really hoping to catch a glimpse of that new Chevy Chase movie where he plays against type and portrays a poor guy who isn’t cool.

You reluctantly approach the screen and decide to cause a little mischief by punching a hole through it. If you’re not going to be able to see The Hobbit, no one will. Instead of making a perfect, fist-sized puncture, you hand goes through the screen without making as much as a scratch. You quickly understand that this is a Last Action Hero type situation, take a deep breath and walk through the screen into nothingness. Lights, camera, acting!

 

Movie pitch: Glennegades

Title:

GLENNEGADES

Log Line:

A Toronto Glenn recruits the world’s top Glenns to stop a sinister brigade of Daniels from taking full control of the ‘Glenn’ Wikipedia page… and the world.

Synopsis:

In the year 2016 the Planet Earth is undergoing massive changes. A new generation of Tylers and Ethans threaten the existence of the Daves and Jims of old while the Internet continues to distract the public from shadows that lurk beneath the everyday mundane.

One afternoon, hacker, DJ and scientist Glenn M. stumbles upon a subgroup of Daniels looking to systematically erase the history of humanity’s most powerful names, starting with the Glenns. Before he has time to roll his eyes and spit on his monitor, Glenn M.’s activity is tracked by Daniels’ security forces and thanks to a anonymous tip (ends up being his brother, Scott), he leaves his apartment before it’s ransacked and vandalized with old bandages and Daniel Day-Louis posters.

Glenn M. hacks an airplane and flies it to Scotland where his name originated, rendezvousing with a beautiful Glenn named Glenn. Using her skills as a master seductress and half-decent jogger, Glenn helps Glenn recruit a team of world-class Glenns to fight this new threat in order to save not only Glenns but every name we hold dear. Taking Glenn and his team of Glenns around the globe in an action-packed thrill ride, GLENNEGADES is sure to be this century’s best and most exciting piece of art.

If you’re interested in financing this project please leave a crystal tulip on my doorstep and I’ll get back to you. I already have my business partnerships team working on deals to get Glenn-themed fries at Wendy’s (they’re way shorter than regular fries and come with a new purple dip) and a Glenn fedora with his signature seagull feather at Big It Up locations nationwide.

My art department has whipped up some images that I feel brings the hype. As you can see my company and I are well-prepared to take this project out of the stratosphere and into the part of outer space where no one even knows what food is.

Are you ready for opening night?

glennegades

glennegades1

Will You Buy My Grandkids? (1993)

Mrs-Doubtfire-8616692c

Zoodles: The Motion Picture (2014)

zoodles

Coming soon to the kind of theatre that still serves hot dogs and The Heinz Annual Executive Retreat, Beach Glass Resort and Country Club, Turks and Caicos.

 

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Alan’s Dumb House (2014)

Noah_complete

Now playing in most major stories told by the type of guy who lives by the sea and never wears socks.

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Sad Dad (2013)

Sad Dad (2013)

Coming soon to a life near you

Movie Review – Gravity

The boy is looking for his X-BOX, no doubt.

“Mommy, I’m God”

Gravity is a brand new movie set mostly in outer space where a handful of astronauts have some trouble at work. Sandra Bullock plays the main floater who has never been to space before but knows how to fix the big droid better than veteran astronaut played by real deal woman fucker, George Clooney. There’s one other guy whose face you do not see, but whose voice would be best described as “Mexican?”.

There isn’t much to say about the story except that humans are the only species we get to hang out with and Earth is the only planet we get laugh at. If I wanted to see some humans on earth I’d take a look in the mirror because I have a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin licking a globe.

homeboys2

The main draw of this future Wikipedia favourite is the visually stunning depiction of outer space, painstakingly created in a computer program that doesn’t come with the computer you bought. No wait, who cares? Outer space is the easiest thing to draw next to the sun, which also makes several appearances.

If “gravity” is the science that keeps our poo flowin’ the right way, then the film Gravity is the film that stops us from pooing for 90 minutes because we don’t want to get up and poo during the film. As a joke, I threw a Mars bar at the screen when the credits started rolling. I give this film two thumbs on the buttons that make space ships fly and hope that it inspires someone to make a space movie with more sports in it.

DVD BONUS FEATURE

What fun snack should you eat during Gravity?

Mars Bars (sorry if I ruined the surprise before)