Advent Calendar 2014 — December 17

You can comb through the Internet all you want but the only place you’ll find the COMPLETE Advent adventure is HERE. It’s also begun circulating through the Winnipeg Public Library system so there’s that too. 

December 1               December 9
December 2              December 10
December 3              December 11
December 4              December 12
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8             December 16

You’re on a roller coaster ascending a huge hill! You never really liked roller coasters because they always made you go aggro like a queen bee on hive build day 1, but being outside feels good after being cooped up in all those offices you’ve encountered over the last few dimensions.

The roller coaster’s cars are made to look like wheelchairs and you glance over the edge and see this logo on the side of the car:


You hope you have time to buy a t-shirt because it’s a nice logo and because your current shirt smells like plums and vinegar.

The coaster approaches its peak and the teen boy seated beside you goes, “let’s fly!”. You like his enthusiasm but can’t imagine that someone who would say such a thing would be a very popular kid. There was this chick in your high school who would shout out “here we go again” before every exam and she got voted “Least Likely To Turn Things Around” at graduation.

When the coaster drops you feel a rush of excitement and you remember to roll your eyes back into your head to make the team in the photo booth think you’re dying. As you zoom around the track, the kid beside you won’t shut up, basically commentating the whole ride.

“First loop! I call it The Big Asshole hahaha!”

“You’re going to need extra diapers once we enter this turn.”

“Put your hands up over this next drop, I learned it from the Internet.”

“This corkscrew is the stuff of nightmares–don’t you go falling asleep!”

“Pulling into the station, right on time.”

He checks his watch during that last quip and you get the feeling he does this after every roller coaster ride he goes on.

When you stand up you’re surprised to find that you’re slightly nauseous. You’re not worried about puking because you’ve never been good at it and also you realize you haven’t eaten since this adventure began so what’s going to come up, your fuckin’ lungs? Still, you feel something brewing and decide to play it safe. The kid who rode with you is staring at you like you adopted him and since he seems like an expert on the park, you ask, “hey bitch, where’s the nearest barf zone?”

“Follow me, I’ll show you my favourite can.”

He grabs you by the hand and leads you to a pedestrian concourse where he proudly presents the garbage can in question:

DSC02437 copy

Thank goodness, the date gate! You stick your head in and try to let out some vomit but nothing comes out but you still want to honour this garbage can and the giddy teen so you spit. As you track your “hot water”, you see that lying on top of the trash is a half-eaten donut. Because you’re hungry and because this is clearly the only treat within the gate you decide to give it a try. As soon as you bite into it your flavour buds erupt and you’re gone.

Was that anti-climatic? I tried to match the writing with the feeling of being on a bad roller coaster.

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