Advent Calendar 2014 — December 18

“You can’t have a baby unless you have sex and you can’t read today’s entry without reading the rest.” – Salt-N-Pepa

December 1               December 9               December 17
December 2              December 10
December 3              December 11
December 4              December 12
December 5              December 13
December 6              December 14
December 7              December 15
December 8              December 16


You’re being interrogated by two cops. Hahahahaha, remember how a donut brought you here? Get it? No? The police invented donuts. Just kidding, the joke is that people assume that the police eat more donuts than anyone else in the world so they get made fun of a lot. It’s dumb because no one makes fun of firefighters for snacking on cod between alarms.

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This photo was taken right after you leave

Anyway, there’s a big box of golden fries sitting on the table between you and the cops. The mysterious force behind your Advent adventure has obviously picked up on your hunger and is toying with you like a toddler toying with toys. The two cops are staring right at you and not saying anything so you decide to break the silence before they play hard ball and start burping at you.

“I’m going to have some of these fries if you don’t mind.”

You reach out for them but the woman snatches them before you can take hold. She selects the top fry–the perfect two-incher that got your attention in the first place–and eats it like someone who loves crunchin’ as much as you do. She then presents the box to her colleague who takes what looks like three fries(!), and pretends to eat them before throwing them over his shoulder like a guy discarding his oats because he found a snail in ’em.

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The perfect fry is subjective!

“I’ll waste this whole fuckin’ box if you keep wasting our time,” the male cop threatens.

“We’ll ask you one more time. Where were you on December 18?”

The date gate! You gotta find the treat before these two exercise their rights as officers of the law and beat the shit out of you. You say the first thing that comes to mind.

“I was in my backyard, trying to make my own glue out of sugar, whiskey and old scraps of tape and then I went to the store to buy a blender because the tape didn’t dissolve in the liquor like I thought it would. When I got home I gave up, made an angel food cake then fell asleep.”

This was what you did last year on December 18th so it’s not like you’re lying or anything. You remember because the ordeal took up a full six pages in your diary and was featured on 60 Minutes‘ “Science and Innovation” special.

The two cops look at each other and smile.

“That’s the most sane thing I’ve heard all day,” the female cops says.

The male cops slides the box of fries toward you, “I think you deserve these. If they taste funny it’s because we had to investigate them before bringing them into the station, standard protocol. It’s a good thing too because one of them was wearing a cute little wire.”

You figure you’ll disappear once you taste a fry so as not to waste them you grab a whole mitt full and cram them in your hungry ass mouth. Bye bye, it’s magic time!

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Yeah baby

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