Advent Calendar 2014 — December 12

Deck the halls with previous chapters fa la la la la la la la LARM

December 1               December 9
December 2              December 10
December 3              December 11
December 4
December 5
December 6
December 7
December 8

After favouriting the space Tweet you’re transported into a modern office. There’s colourful furniture everywhere, one of those old Virtual Reality rigs, a vending machine stocked with rare snacks and flash drives, a trampoline, Gandalf’s horse cart, beanbag chairs on the ceiling, a living wall that’s growing ginseng, a bar that serves cereal and Magic cards, a life-sized Clue board, Anna Paquin’s Oscar, a wood-fired pizza oven, a car wash for hats and a small group of nerds huddled around a white board.

You listen to them brainstorming, throwing around words like “social currency”, “engagement” and “digital sphere”, and this combined with that Tweet you saw inside your own head convinces you they’re trying to invent a new social network.

You figure this is a good a time as any to pitch your own ideas that normally come to you while you’re waiting for your garbage to cool. It reminds to to stop throwing out soup so close to garbage day.

Anyway, you interupt one of the participants and pitch your ideas:

“A service called Moopsy ‘Do – Take a picture of your haircut and create your own unique profile pic. Start networking with other hair without anyone judging your face. Share info on gels, sprays, ‘poos, oils, combs, beads, mousse, clips, dyes, and bald.”

The leader of the brainstorm nods approvingly and scrawls “Moospy – big time integration, smart metrics!!!” on the board. You don’t know what that means but you keep going:

“ClamShare – An online directory and social networking site where users share credit card information and buy stuff on each other’s dime. Post a picture of your monthly statement, which when added to the site, becomes part of a Darth Vader mosaic.”


There’s an obvious buzz among the group. The head guy writes “ClamShare – cultural AND real world currency, avatar marketing interactions, too fast? beta could integrate multimedia streams >> revenue”.

HA! When you told you sister that idea she called you a “fucking stooge”. Okay, you’ve got one more:

“BAARK – a mobile app that pings the user any time it detects a scary dog. The app then offers escape routes and locations of public washrooms for hiding and butcher shops for diversions”.

Someone in the group says, “oh baby!” and the head guy writes “BAARK has bite – upside engagement opportunities, e-commerce components and @leverage collaboration with third party suppliers”.

The head guy caps his marker and pumps his fist awkwardly. The others in the group look back at you in awe and you roll your eyes at them as if to say, “I know, I know, I’m radical sometimes”. The Mark Zuckerberg guy at the front stares straight into your eyes and says:

“You all know my policy when a game changer comes along and changes the game AND the social web. Ideas are the new Automobiles and this employee just invented the power window. Along with an expensive new cat that will be delivered to your backyard on Tuesday, I also present you with this,” the head guy says, holding out his hand.

You make your way to the front of the room and the guy flips you this coin:

gv mary token reverse

“It is of course a token to commemorate the 1911 Imperial Durbar, celebrating the coronation of King George V and Queen Mary. That event is at the heart of everything we do here at SMOOF.”

You feel like you should make a speech but these dweebs are cramping your style and you kind of want to get out of here. You’re not sure how to activiate this gate date so you try kissing it, which receives another round of applause from the audience, then try flipping it like a quarter, driving the crowd nuts. What’s with these people?

Then you figure it out. You start to peel away the silver and underneath the coin seems to be made of breathmint. You could’ve used some chocolate, but whatever. Before you pop the mint in your mouth you bow majestically and pull down your pants. It’s about time you had a little fun. The mint is then in your mouth and you’re out of there. Where to next?

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