Advent Calendar 2014 — December 2

Find out the treat behind December 1 by clicking here!


You step through the odd painting onto what appears to be the soundstage of a television sitcom.

my3

The set looks like the kitchen from a show you used to watch called The Wonderful Dr. Dad and suddenly, the mysterious painting of the man and boy makes sense. It’s the series’ stars, Gary Oldman and little Henry Underwet from the episode where Dr. Dad turns himself into a balloon so he can attend his son’s birthday party without his ex-wife finding out.

garyoldman_1237513 copy

Before you have a chance wrap your head around this new information you get a tap on the shoulder, and turn around to find Gary Oldman himself staring at you.

“I know they don’t like me snacking in between takes but it’s been two hours since my last biscuit and if I don’t feed soon there’s no telling how it’ll effect my character and if my character doesn’t perform then the show doesn’t work and if the show doesn’t work you don’t have a job and if you don’t have a job, well… I’m not sure what you’ll do with the rest of your life but the fact that you’re a fetcher on a poorly rated sitcom can’t mean you have very many useful skills, capiche?”

Stunned, you muster the only words that come to mind:

“Yes Mr. Oldman, I’ll fetch you some dinner.”

To which he replies:

“Darling it’s quarter past two if I ate dinner now I might be inclined to turn into a werewolf. And please, call me Mr. Oldman.”

You’d always heard about the eccentricities of actors and make a mental note to write of this encounter in the comments section of the next blog you read that mentions Gary Oldman.

You’re off the find the actor some food and quickly locate a fridge in a kitchen area used by craft services. Before opening the fridge you take note of the art adorning its facade–mostly notes from the crew joking about stolen plums and a racy picture of Kathy Ireland sucking on an ice cube with “who is this??” scrawled over top by an inquisitive horn dog. Before you have time to provide the answer using a marker you find tucked behind your ear,  something else attracts your attention:

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Maybe it’s simply a bit of anti-war propaganda spread by Hollywood liberals who wouldn’t know a front line if it was drawn on the back of their hand with a ruler, but something tells you it’s more than that. You take a deep breath and open the fridge to reveal:

Deep Freeze walk-in 600a

Impossible! A full, walk-in freezer behind the door of a standard-sized Maytag? You look behind you to see a pissed-off Gary Oldman fast approaching brandishing a knife and fork. You take two deep breaths: one for courage and one to taste the air of network TV one last time and step through the fridge. The adventure continues…

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