Advent Calendar 2014 — December 7

Stumble onto this post after googling “free online Advent calendar” because you feel physical Advent calendars aren’t fair to people like you who are scared of chocolate? Get caught up!

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4
December 5
December 6


Though it has occurred to you that it all might be a dream, you’ve never truly considered this adventure to be anything but real. Has it completely defied all logic and science? Yes. Has it smelled really weird? Yes. Are you crazy? Depends on who YOU are, but for the purposes of this story let’s just assume that all of you readers are sane, beautiful, and appreciative of the effort I’ve put into keeping you, the hero, gender neutral so that anyone can come along for the ride.

No matter what’s actually been happening to you, you’re positive you’re dreaming now because you see yourself back in your elementary school’s hallway wearing nothing but a t-shirt while the other kids are fully clothed. You look around in horror as you realize that no pants day is actually tomorrow and that all day kids are going to be looking at your half naked, underdeveloped body thinking “that idiot thought today is no pants day”. It’s a dream you’ve had hundreds of times before and the familiarity of it makes you hope that you’re going to wake up at home on your pile of towels.

When a bully walks by your locker and says, “check the calendar, piss mud!” you’re snapped out of the dream and open your eyes only to find darkness. You give a quick wiggle and the bed you’re lying in feels more like a real bed than the towels so no matter where you are right now, you’re definitely not home. You wonder why it’s so dark then feel that you’re wearing a sleep mask. As your eyes start to adjust you notice there’s something written on the inside of the mask or else you were crying and your tears look like letters. You make a mental note to try that next time you get dumped and want to write your ex a letter with impact, then utter a quick prayer, something like “hey boss, please don’t let this next part be weird”. You slowly peel the sleep mask from your face so you can see what’s printed on it and though you’re pretty sure what’s it going to say, you still hope it’ll be something cute like “Goodnight sleepy head!”. But no, your suspicious are confirmed:

blue2 copy

You’re sort of relieved that whoever or whatever is fucking with you on this adventure at least allowed you got a snooze in before moving onto whatever bullshit is coming up next. The relief is short-lived though, because when you lower the mask from your view, the lights in the small, simple room you’re in suddenly illuminate to reveal Phandor standing at the foot of your bed.

Elf with a Gun 2
“Nighty night, don’t let the ice rats bite,” Phandor says before pulling the trigger of the revolver he’s carrying.

You see the flash of the gun then you’re once again flushed down the toilet of time and space, onto the next stop of this CrAzY trip.

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