Tag Archives: santa

Stumble onto this post after googling “free online Advent calendar” because you feel physical Advent calendars aren’t fair to people like you who are scared of chocolate? Get caught up!

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4
December 5
December 6

Though it has occurred to you that it all might be a dream, you’ve never truly considered this adventure to be anything but real. Has it completely defied all logic and science? Yes. Has it smelled really weird? Yes. Are you crazy? Depends on who YOU are, but for the purposes of this story let’s just assume that all of you readers are sane, beautiful, and appreciative of the effort I’ve put into keeping you, the hero, gender neutral so that anyone can come along for the ride.

No matter what’s actually been happening to you, you’re positive you’re dreaming now because you see yourself back in your elementary school’s hallway wearing nothing but a t-shirt while the other kids are fully clothed. You look around in horror as you realize that no pants day is actually tomorrow and that all day kids are going to be looking at your half naked, underdeveloped body thinking “that idiot thought today is no pants day”. It’s a dream you’ve had hundreds of times before and the familiarity of it makes you hope that you’re going to wake up at home on your pile of towels.

When a bully walks by your locker and says, “check the calendar, piss mud!” you’re snapped out of the dream and open your eyes only to find darkness. You give a quick wiggle and the bed you’re lying in feels more like a real bed than the towels so no matter where you are right now, you’re definitely not home. You wonder why it’s so dark then feel that you’re wearing a sleep mask. As your eyes start to adjust you notice there’s something written on the inside of the mask or else you were crying and your tears look like letters. You make a mental note to try that next time you get dumped and want to write your ex a letter with impact, then utter a quick prayer, something like “hey boss, please don’t let this next part be weird”. You slowly peel the sleep mask from your face so you can see what’s printed on it and though you’re pretty sure what’s it going to say, you still hope it’ll be something cute like “Goodnight sleepy head!”. But no, your suspicious are confirmed:

You’re sort of relieved that whoever or whatever is fucking with you on this adventure at least allowed you got a snooze in before moving onto whatever bullshit is coming up next. The relief is short-lived though, because when you lower the mask from your view, the lights in the small, simple room you’re in suddenly illuminate to reveal Phandor standing at the foot of your bed.

“Nighty night, don’t let the ice rats bite,” Phandor says before pulling the trigger of the revolver he’s carrying.

You see the flash of the gun then you’re once again flushed down the toilet of time and space, onto the next stop of this CrAzY trip.

I once tried to watch Cheers in its entirety, backwards. It sucked shit, so read this adventure the way it was meant to be read and start at the beginning:

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4

You find yourself in a cozy, ornate living room of some sort, still clutching the red lollipop you got from the horny barber. Even though it tastes sweet you still think it would be funny to try to stick it onto the ceiling of this stupid place that you’ll probably just disappear from in a few minutes anyway. Before throwing it, you’re wondering why you’re here and not a candy factory but the deep leather couch you’re sitting on feels good under your rear. You’re pretty sure you were sitting on a wig in that barbershop and though it was very uncomfortable, you’re pleased that you were able to detect a wig using nothing but butt.

Just as you’re winding up to throw the lollipop, who should waddle in but SANTA CLAUS! He could be a fake but since you’re on a magical adventure through December you figure he’s the real deal.

“Ho ho ho, man. You’ve finally arrived. Are you comfortable?” The fat sorcerer asks.

“Yes sir, quite. What is this? I know I’m not dead because I still have zits but something’s fucked. You know that. I know that,” you say with the confidence of a golf pro.

“There have been many like you and there will be many more. Once the journey has ended all questions will be answered, ho ho ho merry Christmas, but until then you should follow your heart as you have up until now,” Santa says right as you notice he’s wearing some pretty cool red jeans.

“This is about Advent, isn’t it?”

Santa nods.

“That’s a Jesus thing, you rosy-cheeked fuck!” you scream, making sure to spit so that Santa knows you’re not scared.

“All will be answered soon my son. Relax, we’ll bring you some gingerbread alfredo pasta and you can rest. You are weary from your journey,” Santa replies calmly while wiping your spit off his beard with a hanky he pulled out of that same beard.

You always figured that if you met Santa you’d talk about the season’s hottest toys but this guy keeps blowing smoke up your ass. Before telling him to “fuck a tree”, your eyes are drawn to the Christmas tree you’re about to ask him to fuck, and dangling from one of its branches beside a strange ornament of a guy kicking a girl, you see this:

“Hey Santa, tell Mrs. Claus she should get a job,” you chirp as you take a couple strides toward the tree.

“Anger will get you nowhere,” asserts Santa, making no move to stop you but moving slowly down toward his boot where you see the handle of a knife protruding from.

Once you’re close you see that the guy kicking the girl ornament is actually a guy dancing with a girl but it’s very poorly crafted and someone with better vision would assume the same as you did so you don’t feel all that dumb. Anyway, you grab the ornament and smash it on the ground. Inside is this shitty cat toy:

“Silent night, holy shit, all is fucked, isn’t it?” you freestyle sing before grabbing the toy and disappearing.