Tag Archives: santa

2015 Advent Calendar — December 8

Your December 8 Advent treat window looks like this:


You slam your first through it and peel back the remains, unearthing today’s holiday track:

Here are the lyrics in case you need a temporary epitaph:

My name is Santa
It’s December 26, the longest day of my year

Dear Mother, they’ve all gone home
The workshop is empty
I wanna go home

I’m writing to tell you
I’m currently in Hell
Because I’m useless
Until next year

I bring so much joy
Through sweets and toys
But where is my joy?
Where are my toys?

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 9

It’s Kirk Douglas’ birthday today! Celebrate 98 years of Hollywood mastery by eating Kirk’s favourite, roasted stones, or by getting caught up on the Advent adventure with these previous posts:

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4
December 5
December 6
December 7
December 8

In the blink of a guy with a winky blinky eye you find yourself riding a motorcycle with reindeer antler handlebars, cruising down a lonely, sunny, desert highway. There isn’t any music playing but if you really think it’ll complete the scene, let’s pretend you’re listening to this:

You’re happy that you’re finally out of the North Pole but kind of disappointed that you only got to hang with Blitzen for a couple of minutes. He’s been the loosest dude you’ve met on this journey and you could totally imagine sharing a kebab with him.

Then, as if the universe senses your feelings, your motorcycle’s horn honks twice by itself and you smile to yourself knowing that you’re probably still riding atop your new pal, his blood now gas, his hooves rubber tires and his exhaust pipe-sharped penis now an exhaust pipe.


This is sort of what you’re riding on

You hope that this leg of the journey will last longer than the others because the vibration of the motorcycle is giving your privates a much-needed wake up call but your hopes are dashed when you spot this gas station up ahead:


Part of you wants to drive the into the side of the building just to see what happens but if the movie Groundhog Day has taught you anything it’s that when you’re part of an unexplained event that bends space and time, forget about suicide, you’d best find Andie MacDowell and seduce the fuck out of her. If the soundtrack to the movie Groundhog Day has taught you anything it’s that when you’re having a party and you forget to program a playlist, do not hastily throw one together and lead it off with the Groundhog Day soundtrack.

Anyway, since meeting Gary Oldman was the closest you came to finding Andie MacDowell you try to rid your mind of all things Groundhog Day and decide to play it safe and pull into the station where your next portal awaits.

Stopped at the pump you check your gas level and see that it reads “E”, making you to remember how your dad once tricked you into believing that it stands for “EAT” and that gasoline was originally called “lunch juice”. You grab the nozzle and begin filling the tank, bracing yourself for another cosmic transportation. And what do you know? It worked. You disappear. You’re done with this part. Onto the next. The adventure continues tomorrow. Where will you read it? What is your name? Just kidding, I don’t care. See you!

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 8

This story already doesn’t make much sense, so don’t make it any harder on yourself by starting in the middle.

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4
December 5
December 6
December 7

You magically appear in a dark stable in a pile of dark hay. Okay, maybe the hay is regular hay or maybe it’s all just dried out black licorice your call!

After that whole Santa ordeal you’re beginning to think that maybe you’ve been whisked away to the Manger where Jesus was plopped out and that you’re now going to have to wrestle Joseph or some shit. You look out a small window cut into the wooden boards that make up the stable’s wall and instead of seeing Three Wise Men pissing equations into the snow, you see this:

web site north pole

Either you’re back at that pervy barber shop or still in the clutches of the North Pole. You let out a frustated, “Errrrrrrrrrrrrrfffff” sound then exit the pen that you materialized into and go looking around the stable.

In the darkness you can make out some large creatures in the stalls opposite yours and unless you’re being fucked with, they most be Santa’s famous reindeer. The bad news is you’re still on Santa’s turf, but the good news is that Phandor must have meant reindeer when he mentioned “ice rats”.

You immediately feel the urge to choke each ice rat to death as revenge for all the crap Santa and Phandor have put you through and without realizing it you’re already in a pen marked “Blitzen”, ready to squeeze the magic (and life) right out of him.

You stop in your tracks when you notice a brand in Blitzen’s humongous hind quarters:

Caribou1_full copy

Sorry, it’s hard to find a large scale pic of a reindeer’s ass

Your way out of this stable is somewhere behind that brand and since you’ve been mentally preparing yourself to stick your arm up something’s butt at some point during this adventure, you don’t hesitate.

At the point of entry, the reindeer makes a sound EXACTLY like this:

“What the dizz, mate?” comes a voice that sounds like Mel Gibson, pre-American accent.

“Sorry, I figured the portal was in your ass,” you respond, hoping that you’re correct in assuming the voice came from the reindeer and not some guy standing behind you who will make fun of you for thinking a reindeer was talking to you.

“No mate, that’s loony. You won’t have to reach into anything’s bum, trust me. Now get on my back and we’ll get this over with,” Blitzen explains calmly.

“So embarassed,” you mutter as you lumber onto the big creature’s back.

“I’d prefer if you didn’t hold on tight because I’ve got sensitive antlers but it’s something I have to say for legal reasons,” says Blitzen as he trots out of the stable and into the night.

“What legal reasons? What the fuck is this? You’re a reindeer and I’m in some living Advent calendar!” The frustration is evident in your tone but Blitzen ignores you and begins to fly into the night. You only get to enjoy it for a few seconds before you disappear.

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 7

Stumble onto this post after googling “free online Advent calendar” because you feel physical Advent calendars aren’t fair to people like you who are scared of chocolate? Get caught up!

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4
December 5
December 6

Though it has occurred to you that it all might be a dream, you’ve never truly considered this adventure to be anything but real. Has it completely defied all logic and science? Yes. Has it smelled really weird? Yes. Are you crazy? Depends on who YOU are, but for the purposes of this story let’s just assume that all of you readers are sane, beautiful, and appreciative of the effort I’ve put into keeping you, the hero, gender neutral so that anyone can come along for the ride.

No matter what’s actually been happening to you, you’re positive you’re dreaming now because you see yourself back in your elementary school’s hallway wearing nothing but a t-shirt while the other kids are fully clothed. You look around in horror as you realize that no pants day is actually tomorrow and that all day kids are going to be looking at your half naked, underdeveloped body thinking “that idiot thought today is no pants day”. It’s a dream you’ve had hundreds of times before and the familiarity of it makes you hope that you’re going to wake up at home on your pile of towels.

When a bully walks by your locker and says, “check the calendar, piss mud!” you’re snapped out of the dream and open your eyes only to find darkness. You give a quick wiggle and the bed you’re lying in feels more like a real bed than the towels so no matter where you are right now, you’re definitely not home. You wonder why it’s so dark then feel that you’re wearing a sleep mask. As your eyes start to adjust you notice there’s something written on the inside of the mask or else you were crying and your tears look like letters. You make a mental note to try that next time you get dumped and want to write your ex a letter with impact, then utter a quick prayer, something like “hey boss, please don’t let this next part be weird”. You slowly peel the sleep mask from your face so you can see what’s printed on it and though you’re pretty sure what’s it going to say, you still hope it’ll be something cute like “Goodnight sleepy head!”. But no, your suspicious are confirmed:

blue2 copy

You’re sort of relieved that whoever or whatever is fucking with you on this adventure at least allowed you got a snooze in before moving onto whatever bullshit is coming up next. The relief is short-lived though, because when you lower the mask from your view, the lights in the small, simple room you’re in suddenly illuminate to reveal Phandor standing at the foot of your bed.

Elf with a Gun 2
“Nighty night, don’t let the ice rats bite,” Phandor says before pulling the trigger of the revolver he’s carrying.

You see the flash of the gun then you’re once again flushed down the toilet of time and space, onto the next stop of this CrAzY trip.

Advent Calendar 2014 — December 6

You wouldn’t start a book halfway through unless a rich guy payed you to, so before reading this ensure you’re caught up unless a rich guy is paying you to read this one in particular. 

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4
December 5

You’re working the line in a bustling toy factory surrounded by typical Christmas elves. You glimpse up from the conveyor belt and who should be standing in front you but Santa, that motherfucker from yesterday who wouldn’t tell you shit about what’s been going on.

“You’ve been naughty and you’ve been nice but you haven’t worked hard,” Santa muses with a scowl.

You reflect on the past year and realize that yes, you haven’t worked very hard, but working hard also requires rest and since you haven’t got around to replacing the pile of towels with an actual bed in your apartment, hard work simply wasn’t practical this year.

“You can’t force me to work here, can you?” you ask, genuinely interested in what the answer might be.

“I cannot force anyone to do anything, but Phandor can,” says Santa, punctuated with a childish laugh that doesn’t sound anything like the deep grumbles of every other Santa you’ve ever met.

You suddenly feel a sharp poke on your back and naturally turn to find out where it came from. Standing before you is a mean looking little son of a bitch carrying a comically large thumbtack. In the future, when you sell your fantastical tale to the folks at Dark Horse Comics for a cool 1.2 million, you assist an artist in drawing him like so:


“Do your work you fuckin’ jerk,” squeaks the elf man.

“I take it you’re Phandor?” you ask, dwelling on the last syllable while straining to think of something that rhymes with Phandor to show him you’re willing to “play the game”.

“Little boys who don’t make toys will feel the pain when Phandor puts leeches in their brains,” warns Phandor, while licking his lips and making eyes toward his thumbtack.

“I’ve taken dumps bigger than you, speaking of which, where can I poo?” you sing sweetly, hoping Phandor will appreciate the rhyme AND direct you to the washroom.

“If your mind is filled with doubt, look to your left for an easy way out,”   Phandor divulges, followed by a maniacal laugh. He then holds the thumbtack over his head, utters some nonsense under his breath and disappears.

Not knowing what to do next, you look back to the production line and amongst the cat toys on the conveyor belt moving toward you is a button that looks like this:


Finally, a way out of here. You’re unsure about the connection between the North Pole and a positive stance on women’s issues, but you’re totally fine to move this adventure along so you shrug it off and examine the button closely. You start to peel back the button’s facade and underneath is another image that looks like this:


Phandor you little fucker! You give the new button the finger and once again, you’re whisked away, hopefully as far away from Santa’s shitty fuckin… slave hive or whatever as possible.


Advent Calendar 2014 — December 5

I once tried to watch Cheers in its entirety, backwards. It sucked shit, so read this adventure the way it was meant to be read and start at the beginning:

December 1
December 2
December 3
December 4

You find yourself in a cozy, ornate living room of some sort, still clutching the red lollipop you got from the horny barber. Even though it tastes sweet you still think it would be funny to try to stick it onto the ceiling of this stupid place that you’ll probably just disappear from in a few minutes anyway. Before throwing it, you’re wondering why you’re here and not a candy factory but the deep leather couch you’re sitting on feels good under your rear. You’re pretty sure you were sitting on a wig in that barbershop and though it was very uncomfortable, you’re pleased that you were able to detect a wig using nothing but butt.


Just as you’re winding up to throw the lollipop, who should waddle in but SANTA CLAUS! He could be a fake but since you’re on a magical adventure through December you figure he’s the real deal.

“Ho ho ho, man. You’ve finally arrived. Are you comfortable?” The fat sorcerer asks.

“Yes sir, quite. What is this? I know I’m not dead because I still have zits but something’s fucked. You know that. I know that,” you say with the confidence of a golf pro.

“There have been many like you and there will be many more. Once the journey has ended all questions will be answered, ho ho ho merry Christmas, but until then you should follow your heart as you have up until now,” Santa says right as you notice he’s wearing some pretty cool red jeans.

“This is about Advent, isn’t it?”

Santa nods.

“That’s a Jesus thing, you rosy-cheeked fuck!” you scream, making sure to spit so that Santa knows you’re not scared.

“All will be answered soon my son. Relax, we’ll bring you some gingerbread alfredo pasta and you can rest. You are weary from your journey,” Santa replies calmly while wiping your spit off his beard with a hanky he pulled out of that same beard.

You always figured that if you met Santa you’d talk about the season’s hottest toys but this guy keeps blowing smoke up your ass. Before telling him to “fuck a tree”, your eyes are drawn to the Christmas tree you’re about to ask him to fuck, and dangling from one of its branches beside a strange ornament of a guy kicking a girl, you see this:


“Hey Santa, tell Mrs. Claus she should get a job,” you chirp as you take a couple strides toward the tree.

“Anger will get you nowhere,” asserts Santa, making no move to stop you but moving slowly down toward his boot where you see the handle of a knife protruding from.

Once you’re close you see that the guy kicking the girl ornament is actually a guy dancing with a girl but it’s very poorly crafted and someone with better vision would assume the same as you did so you don’t feel all that dumb. Anyway, you grab the ornament and smash it on the ground. Inside is this shitty cat toy:


“Silent night, holy shit, all is fucked, isn’t it?” you freestyle sing before grabbing the toy and disappearing.

Advent calendar – December 9

You were quite displeased when your mother pulled the homemade Advent calendar out of her bonnet. Traditionally, you had got your calendar from the magician around the corner, whose wondrous tricks translated surprisingly well to counting down the days in a month. Expecting yet another porridge-covered raisin, you peel off the December 9 window–stuck on with last summer’s gum–to reveal a pleasant surprise:


It’s a wealthy woman trying lobster for the first time! You look back to where your mother is working on her album, expecting a wink or a “I put her there”. Instead, she goes about her business and you think that maybe, just maybe, the magician around the corner is totally boning her after all, for only his magic could produce such a treat.

Only 16 days until you say “I’ll give you your present later” to your significant other, hoping they’ll get horny enough to ignore the fact that you didn’t get them anything, relying on your body and aptitude for sex to keep them satisfied.

Advent calendar – December 8

While the cider softly boils on the stove next to a pot of warm butter–ready any weary traveller with fresh buns on his knees–you sit down in front of the TV and excitedly peel back the December 8 window on your calendar revealing these two staring into your yellow eyes:

ImageAfter some initial disgust you realize that they aren’t the prize but rather the prize-mongers, presenting a potted weed, just for you.

“Plant this next to your toy shed,” said the one you figure is a man.
“It will ward off child bandits,” furthered the one you assume is the man’s wife, who you assume is a woman.

You take the weed and close the window on the calendar. You take a long sniff of the thing and it smells like the most delicious candy you’ve ever smelled with rich notes of chocolate, caramel and cherry dust. You remove a small leaf and feed it to your test cat, who gobbles it down without a moment’s notice then ages in front of your eyes into the old girl you always wanted. You now understand the power of the weed and quietly thank Saint Nicholas, for your toy shed had up until that point been the most vulnerable on the compound.

Only 17 days left until your family takes turns bringing gravy to the toilet because you used baking powder instead of flour and they were too scared to tell you. Remember what happened when no one liked your Brussels sprouts? Your cousin never did regrow his nose like you said.

Advent calendar – December 7

Since it’s Saturday and you don’t have to sheer the goats until sundown, you take a thermos of sauce down to the old barn for today’s calendar treat. You take a seat on the same hay your mother fed to you as a baby and take the Advent calendar out of its folder. Using the fingernails you grew for Halloween and decided to keep because they pick zits so well, you peel back the December 7 window to reveal…


….ooooo look at that! An official NASA terraform sampler set, the very same brought to space by astronauts looking to trade our trees for the aliens’ cure for runny bums. The mission was of course unsuccessful but I’m we’ll all never forget Captain James Bafe’s famous quote, “we thought they’d notice us if we started peeing on the moon, but they never showed. Goddamn cowards”.

Only 18 days left until you go to church only because it’ll kill time before you get that new drill.

Advent calendar – December 6

You draw a warm, bubbly bath, scented with lavender and Honey Nut Cheerios. After immersing yourself in the brown, brown water you pull out your Advent calendar, remove your waterproof gloves carefully and unscrew the cap from the December 6 square. Much to your delight you reveal: 


A tri-colour triple pack of patriot bands WITH real American wrist! In some countries this passes as an official United States passport. In others it’s simply a sign of good dental health due to its similarity to paste bracelets, a convenient, portable, chewy way to keep your chompers rock hard. 

Only 19 days left until you start worrying that no one is going to come to your New Year’s Eve party. Worry not, if no one shows up you have enough shrimp rings to make eighteen decorative, edible necklaces, the perfect accessory for a stylish psycho who is going to gun down all their friends for not coming to their New Year’s Eve party.