You were quite displeased when your mother pulled the homemade Advent calendar out of her bonnet. Traditionally, you had got your calendar from the magician around the corner, whose wondrous tricks translated surprisingly well to counting down the days in a month. Expecting yet another porridge-covered raisin, you peel off the December 9 window–stuck on with last summer’s gum–to reveal a pleasant surprise:
It’s a wealthy woman trying lobster for the first time! You look back to where your mother is working on her album, expecting a wink or a “I put her there”. Instead, she goes about her business and you think that maybe, just maybe, the magician around the corner is totally boning her after all, for only his magic could produce such a treat.
Only 16 days until you say “I’ll give you your present later” to your significant other, hoping they’ll get horny enough to ignore the fact that you didn’t get them anything, relying on your body and aptitude for sex to keep them satisfied.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 