Lemme hear you, Canada! Who out there got wires around they wrists hoping someone notices so you can say “It’s for my machines.” Alright, alright cool, I see you freaks and I love you!
Look, I made a new song for the 2019 holiday season and here is the result. It’s supposed to be funny but if it’s not then at least you have a nice little jam full of my signature guitar sound.
Your December 24 Advent treat window looks like this:
You melt through it using a hot piece of iron you’ve been saving for a rainy today to reveal today’s classic Glenn holiday track:
It’s kinda cheating because it’s four years old but this challenge was tough and this song rules. Here are the lyrics, co-written by Warren G and Nate Dogg:
Regulators We regulate any stealing of his property And we damn good too But you can’t beat any geek off the street, Gotta be handy with the steel If you know what I mean, earn your keep Regulators! Mount up!
(Warren G:) It was a clear black night, a clear white moon Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume Some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk Just rollin’ in my ride, chillin’ all alone
(Glenn:) Just hit the Eastside of the HBC On a mission tryna find a gift for Warren G Seen a rack full of toys ain’t no need to pause All you skirts know what’s up with Santa claus
(Warren G:) So I hooks a left on the 21 and Lewis Some brothas shootin’ dice so I said “Let’s do this” I jumped out the ride, And said “What’s up?” Some brothas pulled some gats so I said “I’m stuck.”
(Glenn:) Since these toys on sale i’ma buy them all These cashiers lookin so bored, they work at the mall Wont’cha think of better things than some bored cashiers I think I’ll call Warren G and we can get some beers
(Warren G:) I’m gettin’ jacked, I’m breakin’ myself I can’t believe they taking Warren’s wealth They took my rings, they took my Rolex I looked at the brotha said “Damn, what’s next?”
(Glenn:) I call Warren G he doesn’t answer the phone Maybe I’ll just split and watch Home Alone It’s a good Christmas flick, for when you’re feeling blue And when it’s all done put in Home Alone 2
(Warren G:) They got guns to my head I think I’m going down I can’t believe this happenin’ in my own town If I had wings I could fly Let me contemplate I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate
(Glenn:) It’s snowing outside and looks real nice Man, I hope Warren G didn’t go and play dice He always gets into trouble with this guy named Nate It’s not uncommon that they’re forced to regulate
I laid all my parcels down, I gave my cat a pet Turn on my computer and log onto internet Check out Facebook, type in “warren G” Saw the following status update staring back at me:
(Warren G:) Now Nate got the freaks And that’s a known fact Before I got jacked I was on the same track Back up back up cause it’s on N A T E and me The Warren to the G
(Glenn:) Just like I thought He was hangin’ with Nate and it sounds like he got jaaaaacked Ah geez I’m hungry I’m in need of a goddamn snaaaack
I saw a large pizza sexy as hell I said “Oh I like your size.” extra cheese with meat and some bro-co-li, peppers, on the side I got a belly full of pie and it’s going real swell The next track is jingle bellllllllss (fade in jingle bells)
(Warren G:) I’m tweaking Into a whole new era G-Funk Step to this I dare ya Funk On a whole new level
(Glenn:) What this track needs is some Aaron Neville
(Warren G:) Chords Strings We brings Melody G-Funk Where rhythm is life And life is rhythm
(Glenn:) If you know like I know You don’t wanna step to this It’s the christmas era Funked out with a gangsta twist If you joke like I joke Then you smile like everyday And if your ass is a buster Santa Claus will regulate
Your December 21 Advent treat window looks like this:
You feed it to your pet horse revealing today’s joyous Joy Division-inspired track:
Here are the lyrics, which are fresh, local AND organic:
Snow is white water He Is Harry Potter
We all know how the story goes From boy to man over eight film span
An allegory certainly But is it truly aChristmas movie?
There’s always a part about holidays Harry sometimes leaves, he often stays They exchange presents and it always snows They wear cute sweaters and Christmas robes
If it’s about magic and friendship Is that not Christmas? Is That not Christmas?
Your December 18 Advent treat window looks like this:
You take it on a date and it isn’t interested in a relationship so you’re able to look past it to find today’s audio advent track–a sequel to December 15’s Christmas Dinosaur:
Here are the lyrics so you can show your Sunday School teacher:
Christmas Dinosaur arose from the grave three days after dying He spent 40 days just walking around eating bugs, roaring and crying His friends and family exploded in the blast so he felt a lot of sadness He looked up above and asked his dad, “what is all this madness”?
Dinosaur God said,
“Chill, it’s fine, you can join me up on cloud nine. Pretty soon I’ll invent humankind and Dinosaurs will blow their minds”
Christmas dinosaur smiled at his dad, ascended into heaven He frollicked in the clouds, had sex with girls and made a friend named Kevin