Tag Archives: funk

2015 Advent Calendar — December 23

Your December 23 Advent treat window looks like this:

Miniature Exploder - Minex-l

You put on your lead-lined gloves and peel it back to reveal today’s funky-ass holiday track:

Here are the lyrics, one chapter long:

I sharpened up a candy cane
I shivved a fuckin’ guard   

I walked right out the cellblock, baby
It wasn’t very hard

Killed the warden with my boot
Stole the warden’s santa suit
Grabbed his gun and got away
I’d be home for boxing day

Man on the inside
said get up on this deal
2 fax machines for the price of one
That’s a goddamn steal

Little did i know though
the technology’s obsolete
I hadn’t been in public
since 1983

But I went and saw my family
dressed as Santa Claus
The warden’s blood was on the cuff
which gave my daughter pause

Reactions the Gang had to Kool calling himself “Kool” and the rest of the band “the Gang”

In 1969, bass player Robert Bell informed his band that henceforth he would be known as “Kool”, while the band would be referred to as “the Gang”. Here are some reactions the Gang had to this news:


“If you’re going to be Kool, then I demand you start calling me ‘Fuck Master’.”


“I didn’t quit my job washing cigarettes just to be lumped in with the rest of these mother fuckers.”


“Why not just call the rest of us ‘The Pieces of Shit’?”


“I knew that girl named ‘Sexy’ would end up being a bad influence the minute you started dating her, man.”


“I don’t understand — are you the leader of ‘the Gang’ or are you an independent entity? To whom do we pay gang dues to?”


“Are you still going to make us egg salad on Tuesdays? Because that doesn’t sound like something a guy named ‘Kool’ would be into doing.”


“It’s not so bad, I mean, gangs can be cool too, right? How about we get ourselves a symbol, something like, oh I don’t know, an old tin can full of garbage with a mother fuckin’ ‘G’ on it?”


“It could be worse I ‘spose — I heard James Brown calls his band the Piss Drinkin’ Ass Brains.”


“You named your infant son Meepy and you call yourself ‘Kool’? Poor Meepy.”