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Things To Say To Your Mom If She Pretends She Doesn’t Know Who You Are

Mothers come in all different stinks and shapes, but the one thing they all have in common is their legal right to your ideas and body. A burden like that is tough for most mares to bare so it’s not uncommon to encounter one taking a well-deserved break by imagining that their spawn does not exist. As their creation, you can either accept this and go find a grandmother to cry on, or you can have a little fun and attempt to get her to crack like those guards in England who aren’t allowed to so much as glance, let alone nibble, at the savoury seeds thrown their way by eager tourists.

Here are things you can say to your mom when this natural phenomenon occurs (usually after a heavy twilight rainfall – beauty breeds beasts eh?):

Excuse me, are you my sister? You look like me, talk like me, and my picture is on your apron.

I studied mothers in university and you’re definitely mine.

I have 10 seconds to live so if you don’t stop being stupid this will be your last memory of me.

Look out behind you, it’s your son. Nope, hahahah he’s right here, it’s me.

What’s for dinner tonight, mom? Oh, this thing again? I see. Guess that means we’re having clams. Great, I love your clams, thank you mom.

Mom, I need your help, so please listen. I’ve been pranking Uncle Robert and for the next phase I need you to ask him bring his good computer over to our house, so stop pretending I am not yours and call your brother.

Lady, you kind of look like me – would you mind pretending to be my mother? I need to show my parole officer that I’m capable of love, even though I’m not hehehe.

I know you love The Matrix, but there’s an easier way to pretend you’re a whole different person: get zits!


8 Things To Do On The First Day Of Fall


Follow this link to experience what is promised in this post’s headline

Facebook buttons of the future


Here’s a post I did for work that’s not as abrasive as what I’d post here. Click anywhere to get. 

Wet or not wet

Everything on Earth can get wet if you want it to. What’s worth getting wet this summer? Don’t bother thinking about it, we’ll tell you:

Dad’s Swiss Army Knife
Not Wet


First off, if daddy finds out you went digging around in his sock drawer he might never let you turn the shed into an arcade so I’d avoid the knife altogether. But if you must grab it I know it’ll be tempting to wet your knife to see if it grows a new tool. Unfortunately that only works with a strain of water only found in the Swiss Alps that’s protected by a faerie who’ll trade you a cup for a smoke.

Funny Beverage Coaster


A coaster’s job is to get wet so that whatever’s under it stays dry. Don’t let your coaster live the dry life for very long or it’ll start thinking it’s a bookmark. If you ever find yourself forgetting whether a coaster should be wet or dry, remember that it serves the same purpose as a Slicker* at an orgy.

*A Slicker is any dry person at an orgy who enjoys being sandwiched between two wet nudes.

rodent WHEEL 


We all have memories of lying in the cool summer grass and spotting a dew-covered hamster wheel shining in the sun across the yard, beyond the viper pit. Whether you play it safe by constructing cute little SCUBA gear for your hamster or live dangerously by whippin’ it in there, nothing says summer like a
whet wheel.



A wet pig may be a sign of good luck in 38 of the world’s 59 countries, but if you’re wondering how moist your pigskin should be, keep it on the dry side. A true football should have the feel of a halfway-to-raisin grape.

Pack of playing cards


Let’s say a magician stops you at the mall and asks to use your deck of cards for a trick–if those cards are dry he’ll be able to fully execute, impressing the crowd enough that he can legally call the deck his own. Wetness will create a slick surface that will make the simplest tricks–say a Peaky Joker or a Diamond Heist–a lot more difficult. Let him embarrass himself, take your cards back and tell the crowd “Guess this guy can’t come to the beach with us” then lead them to the beach.

Framed vacation photo
Wet and Not Wet


This is obviously a matter of preference and will depend on the nature of the vacation depicted. I prefer to wet my not wet vacation photos and keep wet vacation photos not wet to avoid redundancy, but I know quite a few people who bring pics of the desert into the shower with them to create a special effect.



If you carry a gun it’s probably because you’re scared someone else with a gun will get mad at you and want to start a gun fight. Keeping a wet gun means that if that person manages to shoot you and leave you for dead, you’ll have a supply of water to keep you alive until a dog sniffs you out and gives you a sailor’s death by eating you from the toes up.

bag of screws


I once built a treehouse using nothing but wet screws. After three weeks the water seeped into the central nervous system of the structure, giving it life. The treehouse then bonded with the tree creating a new being that called itself Blawnard the Judicious.

10 politically correct responses to Caitlyn Jenner

The Internet isn’t yet unanimous on how we should react to, and feel about Caitlyn Jenner’s journey into womanhood, so to avoid being persecuted for your own opinion that’s probably wrong anyway, here are 10 reactions that won’t ruffle any feathers (I think).

1. Good

2. I understand

3. Alright

4. I know

5. Okay

6. I’m in

7. See?

8. Very fair

9.  Nice

10. No problem


Real life superheroes

Superheroes are more popular than ever because we’ve finally realized that normal people can’t do shit about anything. As far as we know, the superheroes of our comic books don’t exist but that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who have special abilities that make life better. Here are some real life superheroes that are making a difference:


The parents who bathe their infant in milk, just in case

The blind dog who can’t stop sniffin’ vinegar


Uncle Tim… NOT.

These motherfuckers

These motherfuckers


The garbage man who says “THIS is why I never want kids” whenever he comes across a bag of used diapers, though his colleagues know he can’t gave kids because of a tick that burrowed into his sack when he was 12. 

Chicks with attitude

The guy who claims he's a nudist even though he wears a jockstrap when he drives

The guy who claims he’s a nudist even though he wears a jockstrap when he drives

That little fuckin’ smear who lives next door

Simone “Bart” Simpson

Old Scott down at Chubby’s

The radio DJ who wears a bib for several different reasons

The radio DJ who wears a bib because his wife was sick of washing the spit off the front of his shirts

The cod fisherman who has always wanted to try on a pair of Air Jordans

neuse_farmer copy

The organic farmer who can’t remember where the Beavis doll that’s tied to the grill of his tractor came from

The old lady who refuses to swear unless her son dies


The Mayor of Chillsville

Ontario's Shed Heads

All of Ontario’s Shed Heads

Reactions the Gang had to Kool calling himself “Kool” and the rest of the band “the Gang”

In 1969, bass player Robert Bell informed his band that henceforth he would be known as “Kool”, while the band would be referred to as “the Gang”. Here are some reactions the Gang had to this news:


“If you’re going to be Kool, then I demand you start calling me ‘Fuck Master’.”


“I didn’t quit my job washing cigarettes just to be lumped in with the rest of these mother fuckers.”


“Why not just call the rest of us ‘The Pieces of Shit’?”


“I knew that girl named ‘Sexy’ would end up being a bad influence the minute you started dating her, man.”


“I don’t understand — are you the leader of ‘the Gang’ or are you an independent entity? To whom do we pay gang dues to?”


“Are you still going to make us egg salad on Tuesdays? Because that doesn’t sound like something a guy named ‘Kool’ would be into doing.”


“It’s not so bad, I mean, gangs can be cool too, right? How about we get ourselves a symbol, something like, oh I don’t know, an old tin can full of garbage with a mother fuckin’ ‘G’ on it?”


“It could be worse I ‘spose — I heard James Brown calls his band the Piss Drinkin’ Ass Brains.”


“You named your infant son Meepy and you call yourself ‘Kool’? Poor Meepy.”


4 litres of reasons it might be laundry day

Laundry is the act of cleaning your clothes. Here’s how to know that it’s time to do that:


Your bathing suit has grass stains on it


You turned two belts into a thong


The stain on your t-shirt smells like the gravies of your youth


There’s a healthy crop of onions growing from your laundry basket


Your wife caught you vacuuming your jeans


The spiders who live in your laundry pile have mended the holes in your dirty old khakis by spinning silk patches.


You caught yourself licking your lips at a pair of socks in the department store


You read one of those Internet lists about Signs It’s Laundry Day and you’re like “that’s me”


You go home and look at your pile of dirty clothes and think “that’s definitely me”


You go to the laundromat. The the owner takes one look at your clothes and says “get outta here, you’ll break the equipment”


You try to donate your dirty clothes to a homeless  shelter and tell ask if you’d like a bed.


You stay the night because it’s been a long day


The next day you go to Mark’s Work Wearhouse and buy new clothes


A new era begins

13 things modern farmers are painting on the side of their barns

A barn is more than just a pile of sub-standard wood that houses some of the world’s worst stinks and robust dusts–it’s also an artist’s canvas. Farmers would paint their names or would sell space to advertisers, while hippies scrawled American flags and rainbows as if telling the world “you are what you paint on”. I’m not lying, look:

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Farms have greatly diminished over the years thanks to candy, but barn art (bart) lives on. Here are 13 examples of the new school of bart, pioneered by a generation of farmers who wouldn’t even bother doing it if they just got decent wifi and a Twitter account instead:

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