Everything on Earth can get wet if you want it to. What’s worth getting wet this summer? Don’t bother thinking about it, we’ll tell you:
Dad’s Swiss Army Knife
Not Wet
First off, if daddy finds out you went digging around in his sock drawer he might never let you turn the shed into an arcade so I’d avoid the knife altogether. But if you must grab it I know it’ll be tempting to wet your knife to see if it grows a new tool. Unfortunately that only works with a strain of water only found in the Swiss Alps that’s protected by a faerie who’ll trade you a cup for a smoke.
Funny Beverage Coaster
Wet
A coaster’s job is to get wet so that whatever’s under it stays dry. Don’t let your coaster live the dry life for very long or it’ll start thinking it’s a bookmark. If you ever find yourself forgetting whether a coaster should be wet or dry, remember that it serves the same purpose as a Slicker* at an orgy.
*A Slicker is any dry person at an orgy who enjoys being sandwiched between two wet nudes.
rodent WHEEL
WET
We all have memories of lying in the cool summer grass and spotting a dew-covered hamster wheel shining in the sun across the yard, beyond the viper pit. Whether you play it safe by constructing cute little SCUBA gear for your hamster or live dangerously by whippin’ it in there, nothing says summer like a
whet wheel.
Football
Dry
A wet pig may be a sign of good luck in 38 of the world’s 59 countries, but if you’re wondering how moist your pigskin should be, keep it on the dry side. A true football should have the feel of a halfway-to-raisin grape.
Pack of playing cards
Wet
Let’s say a magician stops you at the mall and asks to use your deck of cards for a trick–if those cards are dry he’ll be able to fully execute, impressing the crowd enough that he can legally call the deck his own. Wetness will create a slick surface that will make the simplest tricks–say a Peaky Joker or a Diamond Heist–a lot more difficult. Let him embarrass himself, take your cards back and tell the crowd “Guess this guy can’t come to the beach with us” then lead them to the beach.
Framed vacation photo
Wet and Not Wet
This is obviously a matter of preference and will depend on the nature of the vacation depicted. I prefer to wet my not wet vacation photos and keep wet vacation photos not wet to avoid redundancy, but I know quite a few people who bring pics of the desert into the shower with them to create a special effect.
Gun
Wet
If you carry a gun it’s probably because you’re scared someone else with a gun will get mad at you and want to start a gun fight. Keeping a wet gun means that if that person manages to shoot you and leave you for dead, you’ll have a supply of water to keep you alive until a dog sniffs you out and gives you a sailor’s death by eating you from the toes up.
bag of screws
Wet
I once built a treehouse using nothing but wet screws. After three weeks the water seeped into the central nervous system of the structure, giving it life. The treehouse then bonded with the tree creating a new being that called itself Blawnard the Judicious.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 