Tag Archives: silly

Things To Say To Your Mom If She Pretends She Doesn’t Know Who You Are

Mothers come in all different stinks and shapes, but the one thing they all have in common is their legal right to your ideas and body. A burden like that is tough for most mares to bare so it’s not uncommon to encounter one taking a well-deserved break by imagining that their spawn does not exist. As their creation, you can either accept this and go find a grandmother to cry on, or you can have a little fun and attempt to get her to crack like those guards in England who aren’t allowed to so much as glance, let alone nibble, at the savoury seeds thrown their way by eager tourists.

Here are things you can say to your mom when this natural phenomenon occurs (usually after a heavy twilight rainfall – beauty breeds beasts eh?):

Excuse me, are you my sister? You look like me, talk like me, and my picture is on your apron.

I studied mothers in university and you’re definitely mine.

I have 10 seconds to live so if you don’t stop being stupid this will be your last memory of me.

Look out behind you, it’s your son. Nope, hahahah he’s right here, it’s me.

What’s for dinner tonight, mom? Oh, this thing again? I see. Guess that means we’re having clams. Great, I love your clams, thank you mom.

Mom, I need your help, so please listen. I’ve been pranking Uncle Robert and for the next phase I need you to ask him bring his good computer over to our house, so stop pretending I am not yours and call your brother.

Lady, you kind of look like me – would you mind pretending to be my mother? I need to show my parole officer that I’m capable of love, even though I’m not hehehe.

I know you love The Matrix, but there’s an easier way to pretend you’re a whole different person: get zits!


Letters from idiots

We had our interns steal some mail and hack some email accounts to bring you this week’s edition of Letters from idiots, the viral sensation that’s in development as a sitcom starring Tony Hale as “Guy who isn’t idiot”. Please share and if you find one of your letters here, don’t bother us, we checked and none of this is illegal unless you’re able to identify the specific thief (all our interns wear pillow cases on their heads hehehe).


I made a reservation at that vegan restaurant. Don’t worry they do have fries lol

– Diana

What’s up Ian?

Remember yesterday when you told me that story about your dog liking peanut butter but not jam? We should turn that into a Twitter feed. I can start it but I’d love if you could help too (it is your dog after all). I know some guys with over 2k followers so it wouldn’t that hard to get it off the ground.

Hit. Me. Up.

Hey Max,

Finally got your treble clef joke from yesterday and you’re right, it does kinda look like a pregnant chick with one ball.

Love, Uncle Pete

Hey Craig, I can’t come to your party because I have like, a million things to do this week and I haven’t updated my linkedin since June. So sorry, and I hope it all goes well, i know how hard it can be planning a funeral.


– Kerry


Please, please PLEASE show me how to download movies.

From Jason

Dear Mrs. White

I know you like to keep it fair by letting every student take the mouse home at least once during the school year, but not every home has the soft carpets and unlimited seeds (Jacklyn’s father works for Albright Seed) that our home has. Jacklyn loves Manny more than the other children do, I can tell. She has authored several stories called the Adventures of Manny Mouse and Jacklyn. Myself and Jackyln’s father are going to send the stories to a publishing house and get a book done so you won’t want to be on our bad side once she’s on TV and a superstar. You’re a toad.

Jacklyn’s mother, Jackie

Hey nancy,

God did not create the zebra as means of attracting male humans to the ‘sweet spots’ of human females via panty. Call me when you buy the flesh-coloured kind.

Greetings Dave!

Heads up, we’ll be bringing our own ice cream cones because the ones at the fair likely have wheat in them. The ice cream is fine, no wheat there, but the cones we can’t be sure. Stu and I make our own at home using rice paste and gelatin. We’ll bring extra just in case.


Hi Ruby

The cut has almost completely healed, thanks for asking. I re-filled the first aid kit and it’s better than ever. I replaced the bandages with some homemade ones I tore off Darryl’s old work shirts and I added a copy of Chicken Soup for the Salesman’s Soul, some Frog Balm from Cape Cod and six thumbtacks because I can never find any when I need them.

– Sally

Yo man,

It’s so weird that Michael Jackson is dead and still releasing albums, eh? Makes you wonder who really owns our graveyards. Next thing you know, my great grandpa will be directing transformers. Wanna go swimming tomorrow?

– Jake

Hi Nick,

How much did it cost to get your mole removed? I want to get a tattoo but I need to know how much it’ll cost to get erased if I end up hating it. I think I’m going to get the recycling symbol in that camouflage style.

– Darla

Big thanks to all the interns who made this edition of Letters from idiots possible. Below is a picture of the team from last year’s Christmas party at Belinda’s mom’s house. Most of them will be moving on at the end of the month so anyone interested in joining us next quarter should take some time to read the guidelines prior to submitting an application. 


Other American holidays that Canadians don’t celebrate

The only reason I knew today was America’s Memorial Day is because none of my favourite websites were updated. I totally respect the holiday as it’s a lot like our Remembrance Day but with less poppies and more meal deals for veterans–I’m just frustrated I wasn’t more mentally prepared to spend the day refreshing tsn.ca looking for new developments in the CFL labour dispute instead of surfin’ my normal waves. Anyway, to prevent this tragedy from happening to you, here’s a quick guide of some minor American holidays that could effect your life in the coming year:

December 26 – Crispness


We call it Boxing Day and usually spend it going out and looking for deals on sofas and off-brand TVs but Americans do it differently. On this day every ten-year-old American child is told of the reality of Santa Claus AND the birds and the bees in the same conversation. In order to soften the blow of such bold news, each child is given a sleeve of crisp sugar wafers which is how the day got its name. Parents generally save this day to have a bit of sex of their own, referring to the act as “gettin’ crispy”.

Last Friday of June – Mike and Dave’s


There are more Mikes and Daves in the United States than anywhere else in the world, a distinction the 48 states and 2 kingdoms are very proud of. On the last Friday of June every registered Dave and Mike legally get a day off to hang around with each other and discuss ways to ensure the survival of the two names, paramount to the preservation of American culture. This year they’re pushing for the Washington Redskins to be re-named the Washington Daves (the Daves won a volleyball tournament against the Mikes so they got to choose).

March 15 – Judd Hircsh’s Birthday


Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan succumbed to public pressure and decided to give March its own holiday. Being a busy man, he made a snap decision, predicting that Judd Hirsch would eventually be remembered as the best actor on Earth and the most well-known American in history. He declared Hirsch’s birthday a national holiday although most employers these days refuse to recognize it. Those who don’t are federally mandated to stage a screening of Independence Day starring Mr. Hirsch, which has caused large amounts of confusion among tourists.

Fourth Wednesday of every odd numbered year –
Dr Pepper Snapple Group presents Nice Day


In 2008 the Dr Pepper Snapple Group out of Plano, Texas became the first American company to sponsor and fund their own federal holiday. If the weather is deemed “nice” then citizens are encouraged to cook a big family meal using recipes found in the nationally-distributed DPSG Holiday Guide (their Peach Snapple glazed, deep fried Dr Pepper squares were a hit in 2011). If the weather is not nice you’re encouraged to commit one nice act as suggested in the Guide. Last year’s feature act of kindness was to share recipes from the Guide with someone from another country.

Leap Year Full Moon – Eagle Night


This holiday is only celebrated by former confederate states and dates back to the late 1800s. The day starts by forgoing breakfast in favour of a traditional southern supper of hush puppies and chicken fried onions, then it’s off to bed despite having just woken up. Citizens rise later that day at 5pm at the sound of the Eagle horn then prep for a night of absolute freedom from sunset to sunrise. Most people participate in locally organized nude-based gatherings while others just kind of lie around and feel weird (usually while nude) because of how screwed up their internal clocks get.


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American website alternatives

If your favourite American website isn’t updated because of a holiday, check out these Canadian alternatives:

imdb.com –> imbc.ca
(This is the biggest website on the net that focuses solely on movies about British Columbia and actors born in British Columbia. The Joshua Jackson page is must click)

avclub.com –> daveyclub.ca
(A review-based site focusing on the works of Canadian poet, Frank Davey. There’s a great feature currently running where rappers perform covers of Davey’s most obscure works in various basements he’s rented over the years)

tmz.com –> tmc.ca
(The official website of the Toronto Mass Choir. Some pretty juicy gossip in their News section)

ehow.com –> oweh.com
(While ehow teaches middle-aged women how to be obedient little mommies, oweh.com teaches Canadian parents how to treat minor injuries at home)

rottentomatoes.com –> freshpotatoes.pei.gov
(A guide to fresh PEI potatoes, assigning each farm a score based on aggregated reviews across the Internet)