The only reason I knew today was America’s Memorial Day is because none of my favourite websites were updated. I totally respect the holiday as it’s a lot like our Remembrance Day but with less poppies and more meal deals for veterans–I’m just frustrated I wasn’t more mentally prepared to spend the day refreshing tsn.ca looking for new developments in the CFL labour dispute instead of surfin’ my normal waves. Anyway, to prevent this tragedy from happening to you, here’s a quick guide of some minor American holidays that could effect your life in the coming year:
December 26 – Crispness
We call it Boxing Day and usually spend it going out and looking for deals on sofas and off-brand TVs but Americans do it differently. On this day every ten-year-old American child is told of the reality of Santa Claus AND the birds and the bees in the same conversation. In order to soften the blow of such bold news, each child is given a sleeve of crisp sugar wafers which is how the day got its name. Parents generally save this day to have a bit of sex of their own, referring to the act as “gettin’ crispy”.
Last Friday of June – Mike and Dave’s
There are more Mikes and Daves in the United States than anywhere else in the world, a distinction the 48 states and 2 kingdoms are very proud of. On the last Friday of June every registered Dave and Mike legally get a day off to hang around with each other and discuss ways to ensure the survival of the two names, paramount to the preservation of American culture. This year they’re pushing for the Washington Redskins to be re-named the Washington Daves (the Daves won a volleyball tournament against the Mikes so they got to choose).
March 15 – Judd Hircsh’s Birthday
Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan succumbed to public pressure and decided to give March its own holiday. Being a busy man, he made a snap decision, predicting that Judd Hirsch would eventually be remembered as the best actor on Earth and the most well-known American in history. He declared Hirsch’s birthday a national holiday although most employers these days refuse to recognize it. Those who don’t are federally mandated to stage a screening of Independence Day starring Mr. Hirsch, which has caused large amounts of confusion among tourists.
Fourth Wednesday of every odd numbered year –
Dr Pepper Snapple Group presents Nice Day
In 2008 the Dr Pepper Snapple Group out of Plano, Texas became the first American company to sponsor and fund their own federal holiday. If the weather is deemed “nice” then citizens are encouraged to cook a big family meal using recipes found in the nationally-distributed DPSG Holiday Guide (their Peach Snapple glazed, deep fried Dr Pepper squares were a hit in 2011). If the weather is not nice you’re encouraged to commit one nice act as suggested in the Guide. Last year’s feature act of kindness was to share recipes from the Guide with someone from another country.
Leap Year Full Moon – Eagle Night
This holiday is only celebrated by former confederate states and dates back to the late 1800s. The day starts by forgoing breakfast in favour of a traditional southern supper of hush puppies and chicken fried onions, then it’s off to bed despite having just woken up. Citizens rise later that day at 5pm at the sound of the Eagle horn then prep for a night of absolute freedom from sunset to sunrise. Most people participate in locally organized nude-based gatherings while others just kind of lie around and feel weird (usually while nude) because of how screwed up their internal clocks get.
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American website alternatives
If your favourite American website isn’t updated because of a holiday, check out these Canadian alternatives:
imdb.com –> imbc.ca
(This is the biggest website on the net that focuses solely on movies about British Columbia and actors born in British Columbia. The Joshua Jackson page is must click)
avclub.com –> daveyclub.ca
(A review-based site focusing on the works of Canadian poet, Frank Davey. There’s a great feature currently running where rappers perform covers of Davey’s most obscure works in various basements he’s rented over the years)
tmz.com –> tmc.ca
(The official website of the Toronto Mass Choir. Some pretty juicy gossip in their News section)
ehow.com –> oweh.com
(While ehow teaches middle-aged women how to be obedient little mommies, oweh.com teaches Canadian parents how to treat minor injuries at home)
rottentomatoes.com –> freshpotatoes.pei.gov
(A guide to fresh PEI potatoes, assigning each farm a score based on aggregated reviews across the Internet)
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GLENN W. MACAULAY 