Tag Archives: parody

How To Read A Book

What are books? 

Books are stiff magazines that take raw hubris and stamp it onto thin, inedible wafers. There are well over one hundred books ever made.

Each book contains a unique combination of runes that when decoded by a  human sense can do many amazing things but cannot help one achieve everlasting life unless the spell within is effective. Besides spells, a book can tell a story about real or fake people, animals, towns or sports, and can even tell you how much pepper to add to suet to make it palatable to orphans.

How do you read a book?

Books stamped in English are read from left to right. Asking “why?” is like asking why a clown’s nose is red: it’s easy to explain and most people would leap at the opportunity to do so.

Reading English left to right mimics the voyage of the brigantine “Heart Reaper” as it made its way across the equator teaching remote societies an economical new language, while gathering fresh mullet in its holds to feed the insatiable King Cody the Beautiful. Prior to the voyage the direction books were read was up to the reader leading to mass confusion, including the popular misconception that the best way to greet someone was by saying, “Meet Hello, I’m what you aren’t.” Following months of petty arguments aboard the ship concerning the ending of the only book available (the book’s hero, the Runt, did indeed slay the Master Piper), Captain Adam recommended to the Council a standardization that would honour his voyage.

Now to the clowns. The noses we know today were the product of a dispute between two rival factions within a long forgotten circus troupe. One side was confident that round red noses would appeal to children because they resemble apples, the era’s top selling candy. Another felt fashion was the answer and pushed for something pointier. They solved their dispute the way most circuses do: by setting out two piles of sausages representing each choice and having a snake slither to the most attractive pile. Some say one pile was spiked with fresh mint to entice the snake toward the red pile while others claim it’s nonsense created by the losing half to help deflect embarrassment.

A fashionable beak created by the pointies who went on to form a famous fashion house.

A book must first be opened to be read. Bottled up heat within the book’s meat (each slice called a “page”) will escape upon opening. If captured and run though a Thermoelectric generator, a reader can produce enough heat to incubate the egg of a small gull. A book is bound by a spine. Like any mammal, if the spine is severed, the book will perish.

Once you have a book, look at each word, remember it, then move onto the next word. When you see the low dot (a “period”) quickly analyze what all the previous words meant then move onto the next chunk.

What happens if you can’t read the whole book in one go?

If you do not finish the book you must somehow mark your progress so as to continue the next time your eyes need a snack. Some classical examples are:

Whispering the page number to a child and having them remember it in exchange for salt and jacks.

Baking the page number into a loaf.

Tattooing the page number onto yourself or a piece of hard fruit

Associating the page number with something familiar in your life. For example if I left off on page 254, I would link it to my memory of father making me smoke 254 cigars after I flat out refused to go into the family cigar business

What do you do after you finish a book?

If you are able to get to the end of the book, do not worry because there are other books. The one you just read is not the only book. Do not burn the book unless it was bad. Do not eat the book unless it is tasty.

Letters from idiots

We had our interns steal some mail and hack some email accounts to bring you this week’s edition of Letters from idiots, the viral sensation that’s in development as a sitcom starring Tony Hale as “Guy who isn’t idiot”. Please share and if you find one of your letters here, don’t bother us, we checked and none of this is illegal unless you’re able to identify the specific thief (all our interns wear pillow cases on their heads hehehe).

Bill,

I made a reservation at that vegan restaurant. Don’t worry they do have fries lol

– Diana


What’s up Ian?

Remember yesterday when you told me that story about your dog liking peanut butter but not jam? We should turn that into a Twitter feed. I can start it but I’d love if you could help too (it is your dog after all). I know some guys with over 2k followers so it wouldn’t that hard to get it off the ground.

Hit. Me. Up.
Bear


Hey Max,

Finally got your treble clef joke from yesterday and you’re right, it does kinda look like a pregnant chick with one ball.

Love, Uncle Pete


Hey Craig, I can’t come to your party because I have like, a million things to do this week and I haven’t updated my linkedin since June. So sorry, and I hope it all goes well, i know how hard it can be planning a funeral.

LIVE. LOVE. RESPECT.

– Kerry


Andrew,

Please, please PLEASE show me how to download movies.

From Jason


Dear Mrs. White

I know you like to keep it fair by letting every student take the mouse home at least once during the school year, but not every home has the soft carpets and unlimited seeds (Jacklyn’s father works for Albright Seed) that our home has. Jacklyn loves Manny more than the other children do, I can tell. She has authored several stories called the Adventures of Manny Mouse and Jacklyn. Myself and Jackyln’s father are going to send the stories to a publishing house and get a book done so you won’t want to be on our bad side once she’s on TV and a superstar. You’re a toad.

Regards,
Jacklyn’s mother, Jackie



Hey nancy,

God did not create the zebra as means of attracting male humans to the ‘sweet spots’ of human females via panty. Call me when you buy the flesh-coloured kind.


Greetings Dave!

Heads up, we’ll be bringing our own ice cream cones because the ones at the fair likely have wheat in them. The ice cream is fine, no wheat there, but the cones we can’t be sure. Stu and I make our own at home using rice paste and gelatin. We’ll bring extra just in case.

Oliver


Hi Ruby

The cut has almost completely healed, thanks for asking. I re-filled the first aid kit and it’s better than ever. I replaced the bandages with some homemade ones I tore off Darryl’s old work shirts and I added a copy of Chicken Soup for the Salesman’s Soul, some Frog Balm from Cape Cod and six thumbtacks because I can never find any when I need them.

– Sally


Yo man,

It’s so weird that Michael Jackson is dead and still releasing albums, eh? Makes you wonder who really owns our graveyards. Next thing you know, my great grandpa will be directing transformers. Wanna go swimming tomorrow?

– Jake



Hi Nick,

How much did it cost to get your mole removed? I want to get a tattoo but I need to know how much it’ll cost to get erased if I end up hating it. I think I’m going to get the recycling symbol in that camouflage style.

– Darla


Big thanks to all the interns who made this edition of Letters from idiots possible. Below is a picture of the team from last year’s Christmas party at Belinda’s mom’s house. Most of them will be moving on at the end of the month so anyone interested in joining us next quarter should take some time to read the guidelines prior to submitting an application. 

mummering_in_jackson_s_arm1012201

Zoodles: The Motion Picture (2014)

zoodles

Coming soon to the kind of theatre that still serves hot dogs and The Heinz Annual Executive Retreat, Beach Glass Resort and Country Club, Turks and Caicos.