Tag Archives: Canada

How To Read A Book

What are books? 

Books are stiff magazines that take raw hubris and stamp it onto thin, inedible wafers. There are well over one hundred books ever made.

Each book contains a unique combination of runes that when decoded by a  human sense can do many amazing things but cannot help one achieve everlasting life unless the spell within is effective. Besides spells, a book can tell a story about real or fake people, animals, towns or sports, and can even tell you how much pepper to add to suet to make it palatable to orphans.

How do you read a book?

Books stamped in English are read from left to right. Asking “why?” is like asking why a clown’s nose is red: it’s easy to explain and most people would leap at the opportunity to do so.

Reading English left to right mimics the voyage of the brigantine “Heart Reaper” as it made its way across the equator teaching remote societies an economical new language, while gathering fresh mullet in its holds to feed the insatiable King Cody the Beautiful. Prior to the voyage the direction books were read was up to the reader leading to mass confusion, including the popular misconception that the best way to greet someone was by saying, “Meet Hello, I’m what you aren’t.” Following months of petty arguments aboard the ship concerning the ending of the only book available (the book’s hero, the Runt, did indeed slay the Master Piper), Captain Adam recommended to the Council a standardization that would honour his voyage.

Now to the clowns. The noses we know today were the product of a dispute between two rival factions within a long forgotten circus troupe. One side was confident that round red noses would appeal to children because they resemble apples, the era’s top selling candy. Another felt fashion was the answer and pushed for something pointier. They solved their dispute the way most circuses do: by setting out two piles of sausages representing each choice and having a snake slither to the most attractive pile. Some say one pile was spiked with fresh mint to entice the snake toward the red pile while others claim it’s nonsense created by the losing half to help deflect embarrassment.

A fashionable beak created by the pointies who went on to form a famous fashion house.

A book must first be opened to be read. Bottled up heat within the book’s meat (each slice called a “page”) will escape upon opening. If captured and run though a Thermoelectric generator, a reader can produce enough heat to incubate the egg of a small gull. A book is bound by a spine. Like any mammal, if the spine is severed, the book will perish.

Once you have a book, look at each word, remember it, then move onto the next word. When you see the low dot (a “period”) quickly analyze what all the previous words meant then move onto the next chunk.

What happens if you can’t read the whole book in one go?

If you do not finish the book you must somehow mark your progress so as to continue the next time your eyes need a snack. Some classical examples are:

Whispering the page number to a child and having them remember it in exchange for salt and jacks.

Baking the page number into a loaf.

Tattooing the page number onto yourself or a piece of hard fruit

Associating the page number with something familiar in your life. For example if I left off on page 254, I would link it to my memory of father making me smoke 254 cigars after I flat out refused to go into the family cigar business

What do you do after you finish a book?

If you are able to get to the end of the book, do not worry because there are other books. The one you just read is not the only book. Do not burn the book unless it was bad. Do not eat the book unless it is tasty.

Cross Border Haircut

Now that Dongald is Grand Moff of her United States, we Canadians aren’t so eager to hop longitudes to enjoy American roads and avenues named after famous trees. We used to get excited at the prospect of prancing into the Eagle’s nest to buy legendary cereals, eat at restaurants with big food, and drop major coin on cheap milk thanks to your rock bottom food standards. But with the oven now preheated to “Hell”, we’ll probably be spending our Queens on local grease instead.

There are still a few things worth boinging the border for and that’s basically the thesis of the piece unless you’re more visual than visceral, in which case we invited you to enjoy the proceedings from a font standpoint.

Check these things out:

Cross Border Haircut

americanbarber

“I am a barber, I am strong, I will quit if I snip wrong” – U.S. Snipocratic Oath

This one’s pretty simple: There are more people in the United States than in Canada. More people = more hair; more hair=more haircuts; more haircuts=more experienced barbers; more experienced barbers=better barbers; better barbers=better haircuts; better haircuts=better TV; better TV=popcorn sales; popcorn sales=corn profits; corn profits=more money for corn masters; more money for corn masters=happier corn masters; happier corn masters=more sex; more sex=more babies; more babies=more hair; more hair=more barbers.

It’s also worth noting that Vidal Sassoon arrived in the United States in 1965(!).

Cross Border God Shows

img

“The only animal in this ark is our Wi-Fi password, which is BlackToad

There’s no denying that America’s gaga for God-god, and while tons of Yankee dudes and dudettes are loudest when yelling at Him inside their own heads during evening prayer, many more prefer to broadcast their praise from within immense crystal churches in stunning 4K and Dolby Stereo Surround Sound.

Our local Jesters of Jesus are more modest preferring “ministry miniseries” over “bethel blockbusters”. Our northern worshippers aim for a ceremonial tone that jives with stodginess of the Bible herself. I mean, you wouldn’t put a lacy bra on a beef’s udder now would you?

If you really want to see some praying, head over to the U.S. where billboards scream the Bible’s best, and real deal barkers pack immense complexes with fans and state-the-art wireless PA systems. Sometimes you gotta realize that money is best spent amplifying the voices of god’s faves as opposed to helping those god has deemed unfit to have money.

Cross Border Survival Games

“Hello boy, where do you wander?
Here is a riddle for you to ponder:
Down this path and up another;
Where man’s soul is torn asunder;
Whispers, spirits, evil things;
One plus two makes woodland kings”
– Unknown

Most of the world hates the same things as America, such as crud, wasps, goo, and the flu. But for some reason they’re the only ones who have a problem with socialized healthcare. That means that every trip into the Fab Fifty is a potentially dangerous mission where even a cute cut could translate to millions of dollars in wallet damage.

If you like to live dangerously, there’s no better way to put your blood at stake than by going to a place where guns are sprinkled into the landscape like salt on a baker’s apprentice’s fake pretzel. If you’re looking to roll the dice but can’t find a flock of glocks to get spicy with, ramp it up by getting a simple scrape then running around nude in the American woods. Try to survive the system and your numerous infections. If things get dicey you can return home to your Canadian doctor who has no idea if you’re rich or poor unless you wear one of those hats with the logo of your car on it.

Okay thanks for reading! Now it’s time for the OFFICIAL glennmacaulay.com blog after show:

 

Anti-Stephen Harper song

I booked some studio time and contacted Canada’s top musical talent to record a thought-provoking track against Stephen Harper, but before I knew it a million other bands beat me to the punch.

To save some money I cancelled the booking, fired the band and quickly threw something together on my iPad that accomplishes exactly what I set out to accomplish. It’s a bit rushed but try to enjoy and please don’t forget to vote in Canada when it’s time.

Facebook buttons of the future

court

Here’s a post I did for work that’s not as abrasive as what I’d post here. Click anywhere to get. 

10 Reasons School Stinks

child-594519_640

HERE’S ANOTHER BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL THAT I POSTED ON A DIFFERENT WEBSITE. SCHOOL STINKS.

New video — Toronto_GameBoy return$

This is the follow-up video to this baby, which introduced comedy fans to a new and innovative character who’s into toys. Get crazy and watch in public for everyone to enjoy.

Utopia To Me

I had the honour of being on my pal Chris Locke‘s excellent podcast, Utopia To Me! Listen as Chris and I build my ideal world run by a wise older brother and full of vehicles and Clearly Canadian drinks. Grab it on iTunes or Stitcher if you know how to use those things.

11870850_10156017184380160_5487100508145482279_n

Canada’s sexiest provinces/territories

Click this text for a Glenn-made canada day special on another website

Sexy_Canadian_Girl

Classic Canada Day fireworks

Canada Day is right around the corner and you know what that means: laying in a puddle of gravy and beer while watching fireworks. This year, instead of blankly staring to the sky and hoping no one steals the shoes made out of twenty dollar bills that you’re wearing, think about what you’re actually looking at.

See if you can recognize the Canadian classics below and maybe play a little BINGO game with your friends with the winner getting a peek at the loser’s underpants.

FRAME-4

The Pubes of John Diefenbaker

July12__2006_005[1]

Halifax Explosion

7012155641_c6104593e6_z

Mississauga Diarrhea

fireworks_4

Laura Secord’s Tears

fireworks_1752059c

Gay D-Day

200338612-001

Calgary Flames

canada-day-fireworks-300x300

Canadian Fire

wide-canadaday-fireworks-cp

I Mother Burst

 

Other American holidays that Canadians don’t celebrate

The only reason I knew today was America’s Memorial Day is because none of my favourite websites were updated. I totally respect the holiday as it’s a lot like our Remembrance Day but with less poppies and more meal deals for veterans–I’m just frustrated I wasn’t more mentally prepared to spend the day refreshing tsn.ca looking for new developments in the CFL labour dispute instead of surfin’ my normal waves. Anyway, to prevent this tragedy from happening to you, here’s a quick guide of some minor American holidays that could effect your life in the coming year:

December 26 – Crispness

abdominal-pain-in-children-s23-photo-of-boy-eating-cracker

We call it Boxing Day and usually spend it going out and looking for deals on sofas and off-brand TVs but Americans do it differently. On this day every ten-year-old American child is told of the reality of Santa Claus AND the birds and the bees in the same conversation. In order to soften the blow of such bold news, each child is given a sleeve of crisp sugar wafers which is how the day got its name. Parents generally save this day to have a bit of sex of their own, referring to the act as “gettin’ crispy”.

Last Friday of June – Mike and Dave’s

Group-of-guys-500x279

There are more Mikes and Daves in the United States than anywhere else in the world, a distinction the 48 states and 2 kingdoms are very proud of. On the last Friday of June every registered Dave and Mike legally get a day off to hang around with each other and discuss ways to ensure the survival of the two names, paramount to the preservation of American culture. This year they’re pushing for the Washington Redskins to be re-named the Washington Daves (the Daves won a volleyball tournament against the Mikes so they got to choose).

March 15 – Judd Hircsh’s Birthday

img_4902

Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan succumbed to public pressure and decided to give March its own holiday. Being a busy man, he made a snap decision, predicting that Judd Hirsch would eventually be remembered as the best actor on Earth and the most well-known American in history. He declared Hirsch’s birthday a national holiday although most employers these days refuse to recognize it. Those who don’t are federally mandated to stage a screening of Independence Day starring Mr. Hirsch, which has caused large amounts of confusion among tourists.

Fourth Wednesday of every odd numbered year –
Dr Pepper Snapple Group presents Nice Day

256px-DPSG_Logo.svg

In 2008 the Dr Pepper Snapple Group out of Plano, Texas became the first American company to sponsor and fund their own federal holiday. If the weather is deemed “nice” then citizens are encouraged to cook a big family meal using recipes found in the nationally-distributed DPSG Holiday Guide (their Peach Snapple glazed, deep fried Dr Pepper squares were a hit in 2011). If the weather is not nice you’re encouraged to commit one nice act as suggested in the Guide. Last year’s feature act of kindness was to share recipes from the Guide with someone from another country.

Leap Year Full Moon – Eagle Night

men_old

This holiday is only celebrated by former confederate states and dates back to the late 1800s. The day starts by forgoing breakfast in favour of a traditional southern supper of hush puppies and chicken fried onions, then it’s off to bed despite having just woken up. Citizens rise later that day at 5pm at the sound of the Eagle horn then prep for a night of absolute freedom from sunset to sunrise. Most people participate in locally organized nude-based gatherings while others just kind of lie around and feel weird (usually while nude) because of how screwed up their internal clocks get.

BONUS

Your IP Address has been randomly selected by our servers to receive free bonus content.

American website alternatives

If your favourite American website isn’t updated because of a holiday, check out these Canadian alternatives:

imdb.com –> imbc.ca
(This is the biggest website on the net that focuses solely on movies about British Columbia and actors born in British Columbia. The Joshua Jackson page is must click)

avclub.com –> daveyclub.ca
(A review-based site focusing on the works of Canadian poet, Frank Davey. There’s a great feature currently running where rappers perform covers of Davey’s most obscure works in various basements he’s rented over the years)

tmz.com –> tmc.ca
(The official website of the Toronto Mass Choir. Some pretty juicy gossip in their News section)

ehow.com –> oweh.com
(While ehow teaches middle-aged women how to be obedient little mommies, oweh.com teaches Canadian parents how to treat minor injuries at home)

rottentomatoes.com –> freshpotatoes.pei.gov
(A guide to fresh PEI potatoes, assigning each farm a score based on aggregated reviews across the Internet)