Tag Archives: Canada

Cross Border Haircut

Now that Dongald is Grand Moff of her United States, we Canadians aren’t so eager to hop longitudes to enjoy American roads and avenues named after famous trees. We used to get excited at the prospect of prancing into the Eagle’s nest to buy legendary cereals, eat at restaurants with big food, and drop major coin on cheap milk thanks to your rock bottom food standards. But with the oven now preheated to “Hell”, we’ll probably be spending our Queens on local grease instead.

There are still a few things worth boinging the border for and that’s basically the thesis of the piece unless you’re more visual than visceral, in which case we invited you to enjoy the proceedings from a font standpoint.

Check these things out:

Cross Border Haircut

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“I am a barber, I am strong, I will quit if I snip wrong” – U.S. Snipocratic Oath

This one’s pretty simple: There are more people in the United States than in Canada. More people = more hair; more hair=more haircuts; more haircuts=more experienced barbers; more experienced barbers=better barbers; better barbers=better haircuts; better haircuts=better TV; better TV=popcorn sales; popcorn sales=corn profits; corn profits=more money for corn masters; more money for corn masters=happier corn masters; happier corn masters=more sex; more sex=more babies; more babies=more hair; more hair=more barbers.

It’s also worth noting that Vidal Sassoon arrived in the United States in 1965(!).

Cross Border God Shows

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“The only animal in this ark is our Wi-Fi password, which is BlackToad

There’s no denying that America’s gaga for God-god, and while tons of Yankee dudes and dudettes are loudest when yelling at Him inside their own heads during evening prayer, many more prefer to broadcast their praise from within immense crystal churches in stunning 4K and Dolby Stereo Surround Sound.

Our local Jesters of Jesus are more modest preferring “ministry miniseries” over “bethel blockbusters”. Our northern worshippers aim for a ceremonial tone that jives with stodginess of the Bible herself. I mean, you wouldn’t put a lacy bra on a beef’s udder now would you?

If you really want to see some praying, head over to the U.S. where billboards scream the Bible’s best, and real deal barkers pack immense complexes with fans and state-the-art wireless PA systems. Sometimes you gotta realize that money is best spent amplifying the voices of god’s faves as opposed to helping those god has deemed unfit to have money.

Cross Border Survival Games

“Hello boy, where do you wander?
Here is a riddle for you to ponder:
Down this path and up another;
Where man’s soul is torn asunder;
Whispers, spirits, evil things;
One plus two makes woodland kings”
– Unknown

Most of the world hates the same things as America, such as crud, wasps, goo, and the flu. But for some reason they’re the only ones who have a problem with socialized healthcare. That means that every trip into the Fab Fifty is a potentially dangerous mission where even a cute cut could translate to millions of dollars in wallet damage.

If you like to live dangerously, there’s no better way to put your blood at stake than by going to a place where guns are sprinkled into the landscape like salt on a baker’s apprentice’s fake pretzel. If you’re looking to roll the dice but can’t find a flock of glocks to get spicy with, ramp it up by getting a simple scrape then running around nude in the American woods. Try to survive the system and your numerous infections. If things get dicey you can return home to your Canadian doctor who has no idea if you’re rich or poor unless you wear one of those hats with the logo of your car on it.

Okay thanks for reading! Now it’s time for the OFFICIAL glennmacaulay.com blog after show:

 

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Anti-Stephen Harper song

I booked some studio time and contacted Canada’s top musical talent to record a thought-provoking track against Stephen Harper, but before I knew it a million other bands beat me to the punch.

To save some money I cancelled the booking, fired the band and quickly threw something together on my iPad that accomplishes exactly what I set out to accomplish. It’s a bit rushed but try to enjoy and please don’t forget to vote in Canada when it’s time.

Facebook buttons of the future

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Here’s a post I did for work that’s not as abrasive as what I’d post here. Click anywhere to get. 

10 Reasons School Stinks

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HERE’S ANOTHER BACK TO SCHOOL SPECIAL THAT I POSTED ON A DIFFERENT WEBSITE. SCHOOL STINKS.

New video — Toronto_GameBoy return$

This is the follow-up video to this baby, which introduced comedy fans to a new and innovative character who’s into toys. Get crazy and watch in public for everyone to enjoy.

Utopia To Me

I had the honour of being on my pal Chris Locke‘s excellent podcast, Utopia To Me! Listen as Chris and I build my ideal world run by a wise older brother and full of vehicles and Clearly Canadian drinks. Grab it on iTunes or Stitcher if you know how to use those things.

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Canada’s sexiest provinces/territories

Click this text for a Glenn-made canada day special on another website

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Classic Canada Day fireworks

Canada Day is right around the corner and you know what that means: laying in a puddle of gravy and beer while watching fireworks. This year, instead of blankly staring to the sky and hoping no one steals the shoes made out of twenty dollar bills that you’re wearing, think about what you’re actually looking at.

See if you can recognize the Canadian classics below and maybe play a little BINGO game with your friends with the winner getting a peek at the loser’s underpants.

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The Pubes of John Diefenbaker

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Halifax Explosion

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Mississauga Diarrhea

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Laura Secord’s Tears

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Gay D-Day

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Calgary Flames

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Canadian Fire

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I Mother Burst

 

Other American holidays that Canadians don’t celebrate

The only reason I knew today was America’s Memorial Day is because none of my favourite websites were updated. I totally respect the holiday as it’s a lot like our Remembrance Day but with less poppies and more meal deals for veterans–I’m just frustrated I wasn’t more mentally prepared to spend the day refreshing tsn.ca looking for new developments in the CFL labour dispute instead of surfin’ my normal waves. Anyway, to prevent this tragedy from happening to you, here’s a quick guide of some minor American holidays that could effect your life in the coming year:

December 26 – Crispness

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We call it Boxing Day and usually spend it going out and looking for deals on sofas and off-brand TVs but Americans do it differently. On this day every ten-year-old American child is told of the reality of Santa Claus AND the birds and the bees in the same conversation. In order to soften the blow of such bold news, each child is given a sleeve of crisp sugar wafers which is how the day got its name. Parents generally save this day to have a bit of sex of their own, referring to the act as “gettin’ crispy”.

Last Friday of June – Mike and Dave’s

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There are more Mikes and Daves in the United States than anywhere else in the world, a distinction the 48 states and 2 kingdoms are very proud of. On the last Friday of June every registered Dave and Mike legally get a day off to hang around with each other and discuss ways to ensure the survival of the two names, paramount to the preservation of American culture. This year they’re pushing for the Washington Redskins to be re-named the Washington Daves (the Daves won a volleyball tournament against the Mikes so they got to choose).

March 15 – Judd Hircsh’s Birthday

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Back in 1983, President Ronald Reagan succumbed to public pressure and decided to give March its own holiday. Being a busy man, he made a snap decision, predicting that Judd Hirsch would eventually be remembered as the best actor on Earth and the most well-known American in history. He declared Hirsch’s birthday a national holiday although most employers these days refuse to recognize it. Those who don’t are federally mandated to stage a screening of Independence Day starring Mr. Hirsch, which has caused large amounts of confusion among tourists.

Fourth Wednesday of every odd numbered year –
Dr Pepper Snapple Group presents Nice Day

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In 2008 the Dr Pepper Snapple Group out of Plano, Texas became the first American company to sponsor and fund their own federal holiday. If the weather is deemed “nice” then citizens are encouraged to cook a big family meal using recipes found in the nationally-distributed DPSG Holiday Guide (their Peach Snapple glazed, deep fried Dr Pepper squares were a hit in 2011). If the weather is not nice you’re encouraged to commit one nice act as suggested in the Guide. Last year’s feature act of kindness was to share recipes from the Guide with someone from another country.

Leap Year Full Moon – Eagle Night

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This holiday is only celebrated by former confederate states and dates back to the late 1800s. The day starts by forgoing breakfast in favour of a traditional southern supper of hush puppies and chicken fried onions, then it’s off to bed despite having just woken up. Citizens rise later that day at 5pm at the sound of the Eagle horn then prep for a night of absolute freedom from sunset to sunrise. Most people participate in locally organized nude-based gatherings while others just kind of lie around and feel weird (usually while nude) because of how screwed up their internal clocks get.

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American website alternatives

If your favourite American website isn’t updated because of a holiday, check out these Canadian alternatives:

imdb.com –> imbc.ca
(This is the biggest website on the net that focuses solely on movies about British Columbia and actors born in British Columbia. The Joshua Jackson page is must click)

avclub.com –> daveyclub.ca
(A review-based site focusing on the works of Canadian poet, Frank Davey. There’s a great feature currently running where rappers perform covers of Davey’s most obscure works in various basements he’s rented over the years)

tmz.com –> tmc.ca
(The official website of the Toronto Mass Choir. Some pretty juicy gossip in their News section)

ehow.com –> oweh.com
(While ehow teaches middle-aged women how to be obedient little mommies, oweh.com teaches Canadian parents how to treat minor injuries at home)

rottentomatoes.com –> freshpotatoes.pei.gov
(A guide to fresh PEI potatoes, assigning each farm a score based on aggregated reviews across the Internet)