Tag Archives: st. patrick’s day

A Poem For St. Patrick 2020








All hail St. Patrick, the Irish Darth Vader!
One armed with penis, the other? Lightsabre.
While Vader wears black, our good Saint prefers green;
While Pat poos in sacks, Darth poos in machines

All hail Darth Vader, the lanky Joe Rogan!
One worships Sith Lords, the other Hulk Hogan.
While Rogan smokes weeds, our sweet Darth prefers air
While Vader’s head bleeds, Joe’s has no hair.

All hail Joe Rogan, the thinking man’s Bono!
One’s from New Jersey, the other Toronto.
While Bono sings hymns, Joe makes a podcast;
While Rogan’s in gyms, Bono does what he’s asked.

All hail St. Patrick, the killer of serpents!
And cheers to Darth Vader for choking his servants.
Raise one for Rogan, the eater of beef.
A black beer for Bono and the red maple leaf.


St. Patrick’s Day archive poem

Oh. My. God. I am so embarrassed. I try to show the world I’m the most organized Torontonian since the autistic librarian whose legendary eyes were dubbed “Twin Potatoes” by the press, and yet here I am, a week late bringing this premium content into your homes.
The truth is, I was on vacation last week in the mountains and due to the fun of swooshing down a ski hill on a coupla plastic knives as well as the altitude sickness I felt most of the time, I plum forgot. I say break out the Irish whiskey, ignore everyone you love, recall what you did last Monday and shut the fuck up, because here’s the poem I was talking about that isn’t really that new, but is still applicable to today’s issues.

A poem for St. Patrick

Oh you green man, your day is here
When lasses and lads drink purple beer
Haha, you’re smart, you caught my lie
Now let’s all eat some apple pie
What’s that? No pie? Not today?
I don’t think I get this holiday

This is the one where people chew
And give small gifts to their nephew

They swat at bees and swim all day
While sisters bake their cassoulets

We all wear ties, even the misses
And each give our legs 100 kisses

Don’t give me that look you stupid shit
This is St. Patrick’s Day, isn’t it?

I guess my parents lied to me
Cause we celebrate with pies and bees

Green beer, dumb hats and leprechauns?
I think I’ll pass and head to Don’s

My dad and I will kiss some legs
And eat St. Patrick’s Easter Eggs

And I can’t wait until Christmas Day
When we eat a bear and pretend we’re gay