Tag Archives: school

ESL 101: ‘No guts, no glory’

Welcome to my classroom.

May I see your reference letter? Ah, I understand. You saw my ad in the Wendy’s franchisee quarterly magazine, The Freckler. Did you cut out the coupon and send away for a free glowing wrist chain that will attract my attention far better than a nude wrist would when raising your hand to participate in group discussion? No matter. Please point to the seat you desire, take out your paper and pen, memorize as many things in the room as you can just in case everything disappears and someone asks “Hey, what was in here?”, and let’s get to today’s lesson.

Today’s English phrase we will be exploring is No guts, no glory.

Etymology: I develop a lot of my lesson plans from my mother’s journals because she famously invented the quip “Too soon” but they didn’t contain anything about this phrase. I almost gave up and built a lesson around “fuck you”, based on a recipe toward the back of the journal on how to make “fuck you beef” but then I found an old comic strip circa 2000 tucked into the dust jacket that provided some juicy tidbits. The strip was given to Italian immigrants to teach them effective phrases to yell toward potential employers at the end of botched job interviews and thankfully, “No guts, no glory” was included.

The phrase was coined by a freaky ass kid’s dad. The kid cut open a toad and took out all its stuff and then gave it to his dad for Valentine’s Day. The dad noticed the toad wasn’t very heavy and checked it out and the toad had no guts of course. That’s where he got the guts part. By “glory” he meant allowance.

Made famous by: The phrase escaped the suburbs 20 years later when that same freaky kid told his husband who thought it was so funny. He then told a flight attendant friend that the thing could blow up overseas where toads are considered a fucking joke, so he slipped the fly girl the price of spreading information via air (a silver piece and box of cigars) and the flight attendant dropped it on 5 major cities to kickstart the spread.

Oddly enough it was an army guy in USA, NA who liked the way it sounded and wanted to apply it to his own life. Unlike the silly part about the toad, the guts he’s talking about don’t mean the big wet n chewies inside, but rather the gunk in a tough guy’s thoughts that usually smell a bit like a UFC fighter bungie jumping into a volcano to retrieve BBQd ribs that he dropped because he was busy watching a girl tie her shoes. “Glory” means sports.

Sounds best: These days it’s best uttered quietly under your breath after somebody catches you putting store bought chicken eggs in a robin’s nest because you think it’s cute.

Cheat Sheet: As with every lesson I like to give you something to take home because I know taking notes is hard with all the snails around here. If you’re struggling to remember today’s lesson you can snap a pic of my back:


What Are Adults Up To?

It’s Sunday morning, post-marmalade, and I’m scanning the “blues papers” for some positive news on my fellow adults–what do I find? Story after story about mad men, wiggly women, and grimy grands (mas, pas, moffs). I cannot relate. The company I keep have clean noses and even cleaner gun pits, most of which contain so few guns that they prefer to call them “basements” instead.

So where can I find positive news on my fellow adults who are responsible for making everything on this Earth including decisions, babies, and small batch gin–excluding finger paintings, macaroni necklaces, and some of my cheaper clothes? Oh I don’t know, how about a source called “reality” where things happen in real time in stunning 4K resolution VR.

Even though  I got better things to do (like taking advantage of the ‘Yo-Yo Loophole’ wherein one painstakingly removes the premium string from pro-yo’s to be re-purposed as high performance shoelaces, which if you run the numbers is advantageous to the budget conscious) I feel it prudent to share some adult observations from my time among the fertiles within  common “hives” right here in my town. An English prof who is watching me type this at the library just gave that sentence a “G”. And why don’t I mind? That brings me to my first point:

They’re Rediscovering The Good Parts Of School

Being done school forever is one of the greatest pleasures an adult can experience–greater than grilling stone fruit for the first time. But it’t not like we’re spending our lunch breaks up the tallest tree in the schoolyard, muttering “Enjoying the bullshit?” to the children playing below. Total myth.

There are still things about school that some adults miss and it doesn’t even have anything to do with being chosen to take the metre stick home for the weekend to measure whatever you want in your room.

Remember trading lunch because your mom didn’t understand you? I observed a Bay Street big wig swap his quinoa salad for a ham and cheese sandwich and a night with the other man’s wife, an afternoon with his son, and two Christmases with his lovely aunt.

Recess rules, eh? While canvassing local tech companies to sponsor me in my quest to become Canada’s fastest double-clicker, I noticed many instituting two fifteen minute breaks a day preceded by an optional dip into a bowl of cigarettes and the dispersing of fanny packs filled with wild game jerkys.

Nudity Rates Are Not Rising With Inflation

Shockingly, adult nudity rates have stayed steady at 3% since the UN began collecting data during the “Summer of Mud” in 1984. Continued innovation in pajama technology has stunted growth in naked sleeping, while fashion magazines remain steadfast in promoting the prudish act of wearing clothes. I’m all for nudity but it’s not like I’m helping the cause. Over the summer I was dared to wear only a scarf to the pool and was ready to go in the change room until a guy in trunks called me “Frosty”, while a young lifeguard tossed me a roll of masking tape with no further instructions.

They Want Money

I was planning on complaining about how hard it is to find the right pair of jeans but it made my lawyers nervous. Besides, everyone is sick of the argument because jeans have been the official pants of first and second world humans since Levi Strauss took the durable cotton he would wrap stillborn calves in and turned them into a gag wedding gift for his brother.

After a harrowing afternoon of attempting to trade my novelty “Captain Asshole” dog tags for a a case of jars I realized that everything adults do is in the pursuit of money instead of food and shelter. This is pretty weird if you consider we all evolved from monkeys, or in the case of Australians, coyotes–real deal creatures that wouldn’t know a coin from a scorpion. You ever wonder why you never see radish gardens by the side of the road anymore? You ever picked up on the fact that trees are no longer called “root roofs”? Well, I do.

Thought Exercise

We believe that every posting should spur meaningful debate to inspire critical thinking. Educators: use the following as a starting point to start your own conversations. 

“Children are the future”?

Fine, take it. As an adult, I don’t even care. The present and the past are way better anyway.

The past has already happened; if the past totally rules then we can look upon it fondly while sharing buns by the fire. If the past was bad it doesn’t matter because it’s in the past so no harm done. The present so useful because you can do whatever you want within it, the “whatever” being extremely powerful because it’s also the future until you’ve done it but also the past because once you do it (whatever you want) it becomes history and history is past. Pretty cool.


a) If you were to mutate time, how would you do it?
b) Should criminals be banished to future or past?
c) What does time taste like?


10 Reasons School Stinks



What is it like in today’s schools?

Next week kids of all heights and weights will go back to school to learn about things we adults don’t care about. But today’s schools are vastly different than the ones we used to dream about sex in, and the kids have changed too. Back in my day we’d jump to class and instead of computers we had smart kids chained to the back wall.  What else is different? Let’s find out:

Did kids still get in trouble for chewing gum?

The roots of chewing gum in class go way back to the origins of gum itself.

Aristocrats loved getting seated beside the windows of posh restaurants to show the hungry poor how well-fed they were. It got so popular that the wealthy yearned for a more portable way to display their ability to eat food any time they wanted. Chewing gum was designed as a way for the rich to appear to be eating while on the go and it caught on quickly, but thanks to gum’s low prices, fake eating became a trend that everyone could enjoy. It was especially prevalent in schools and soon every child was chewing, causing teachers to burn school lunches and eventually the banishment of gum once they figured out what was happening.

Even after gum went from being a tool for pretend eating to a pleasurable mouth exercise, schools continued to enforce the century-old rule. Surprisingly, gum is quite popular in today’s schools but rather than chew with their mouths, students chew with their noses for easy concealment and fresher snorts for when they sniff screw after school. Sniff screwing has essentially replaced the more pedestrian blow job and will likely inspire the next generation of pornography.


What happened to Coles/Cliffs Notes?

We’ve all ‘cheated’ on a test, book report or salad contest by using abridged versions of course material called Coles Notes here in Canada and Cliffs notes in the United Stains. You’d be naive to think that modern children don’t use shortcuts to get their homework done, they just do so in a different way.

In modern schools students are surrounded by technological devices, providing ample nooks and crannies in which to hide tiny scrolls called “wee cheaties”. Teachers have a very hard time controlling the flow of wee cheaties within school walls because of the sheer number of them.


What about bullies?

Today’s culture doesn’t reward bullies like our generation did but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist–at least in the physical world. During the school day all identified bullies are strapped into rigs that take them into a massive simulation where their avatars are free to roam. They are able to live their fantasies of killing teachers and pissing on nerds so that by the end of the day they can return to a normal home life.

Do they still have to ask before going to the bathroom?

Everyone remembers the embarrassment of having to ask a teacher to use to the bathroom. Today’s schools have replaced bathrooms with “Creative Co-Habitats”, which are essentially white-walled rooms filled with bean bag chairs and Plasticine. Students are free to enter the habitat whenever they please and are encouraged to explore their bowel movements and innovate new ways to dispose of human waste while collaborating with their peers.


Do teachers still get apples from students?

No, they get frozen honey instead.

What happened to blackboards?

Blackboards gave way to whiteboards which have been replaced by advanced LED displays linked to an intricate network of schools around the globe. The display aggregates lessons worldwide ensuring that the pepperoni dancer’s son in Italy is getting the same education as the blacksmith’s bastard daughter in Tokyo.


This way, every idiot of the future will be very easy to control and manipulate because we’ll know exactly what’s in those shriveled little fuckin’ peanut brains of theirs. Today’s random assortment of morons is very difficult to control because we cannot predict their actions, which has led to crime, teenage pregnancies, Amy Adams movies and the Washington Redskins.

Proper essay structure

I recently completed a rigorous semester of study at the University of School, and although I maintained a ‘P’ average I wish I had’ve known how to write a proper essay before getting there.

To help out future students I’ve created a simple diagram that should help to guide you through your first essay. Thank you so much.


ESL Lesson 4B

My students today are Ooba, Una, El Jason, Robbie, Yugg and Candice. Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself by using last week’s lesson on creative greetings?

Ooba: Hello, I won’t eat you.
Una: Welcome to my talking phase. What’s next? I can go again.
El Jason: I’m not ill, may we lick?
Robbie: Hi there on today.
Yugg: Greetings, the weather is poo man and I am under poo man.
Candice: Hi, stare into my teeth and I will look into yours.

Ha, um, okay, definitely better than week one.

Today’s lesson: What is a ‘trailblazer’ and how do you use the term?

‘Trailblazer’ is a popular English term that has exactly five vastly different meanings. You’ll know how to use the term depending on the situation but don’t mess it up or the person you’re communicating with might explode*

*I’m not serious, but since giving the class these warnings I haven’t issued a grade under C+)

Meaning #1 –  A jacket traditionally worn when hunting or birdwatching


Braidly models a trailblazer while hunting for compliments in the glennmacaulay.com photo studio

Using the term in a sentence:

I am going to the forest to look for toads but a dog pooed on my windbreaker. Do you have a trailblazer I can borrow?

My trailblazer has enough pockets for six pine cones and three snake eggs.

I wore my trailblazer to the pond and now it smells like ducks.

I glued moss, leaves and three nests to my upper body, but it’s no trailblazer.

Meaning #2 – An outdoorsy pothead

This trailblazer is wearing a trail blazer

This trailblazer is wearing a trailblazer

Using the term in a sentence:

I got lost in the woods, came across a trailblazer and got more lost.

That man licking the maple tree is likely a trailblazer.

Is that an owl in that tree? No, that is a trailblazer, hooting.

Hello, I am a trailblazer, may I eat some of your seeds?

Meaning #3 – An arsonist specializing in forest fires


A typical trailblazer ignoring his own safety by not wearing a trailblazer. That kind of behaviour means he’s probably a weed-headed trailblazer.

Using the term in a sentence:

I used to burn down houses but they never had enough leaves. I am a trailblazer.

Our town no longer has any walnuts thanks to that trailblazer.

Don’t go into the woods today, a trailblazer built a tepee in there.

I didn’t know mud was flammable until I saw a trailblazer light some.

Meaning #4 – Clyde Drexler

A Trailblazer, not allowed to trailblaze due to the NBA’s drug policy. He’s also not allowed to trailblaze but who would? The forests of Portland are stunning.

Using the term in a sentence:

Clyde Drexler is a Trailblazer.

Meaning #5 – A Chevrolet automobile

The Trailblazer given to Clyde Drexler for being an exemplary Trailblazer.

Using the term in a sentence:

I wanted a Porsche for Sweet Sixteen but Daddy bought me a Trailblazer instead and now I hate my daddy.

I ran over a man in my Trailblazer then I rolled it into the lake to hide it.

There’s enough room in a Trailblazer for three couples to have sex.

The interior of my uncle’s old Trailblazer smells like rotten soap.

There will be a quiz on trailblazers next week. In the meantime, please study Chapter 17 where you’ll begin to learn how to ask for onion rings instead of fries at restaurants. Thank you students and thank you visitors for taking the time to observe our class. Having problems speaking English? Enroll! I promise you that El Jason doesn’t normally scream so much.