It’s Sunday morning, post-marmalade, and I’m scanning the “blues papers” for some positive news on my fellow adults–what do I find? Story after story about mad men, wiggly women, and grimy grands (mas, pas, moffs). I cannot relate. The company I keep have clean noses and even cleaner gun pits, most of which contain so few guns that they prefer to call them “basements” instead.
So where can I find positive news on my fellow adults who are responsible for making everything on this Earth including decisions, babies, and small batch gin–excluding finger paintings, macaroni necklaces, and some of my cheaper clothes? Oh I don’t know, how about a source called “reality” where things happen in real time in stunning 4K resolution VR.
Even though I got better things to do (like taking advantage of the ‘Yo-Yo Loophole’ wherein one painstakingly removes the premium string from pro-yo’s to be re-purposed as high performance shoelaces, which if you run the numbers is advantageous to the budget conscious) I feel it prudent to share some adult observations from my time among the fertiles within common “hives” right here in my town. An English prof who is watching me type this at the library just gave that sentence a “G”. And why don’t I mind? That brings me to my first point:
They’re Rediscovering The Good Parts Of School
Being done school forever is one of the greatest pleasures an adult can experience–greater than grilling stone fruit for the first time. But it’t not like we’re spending our lunch breaks up the tallest tree in the schoolyard, muttering “Enjoying the bullshit?” to the children playing below. Total myth.
There are still things about school that some adults miss and it doesn’t even have anything to do with being chosen to take the metre stick home for the weekend to measure whatever you want in your room.
Remember trading lunch because your mom didn’t understand you? I observed a Bay Street big wig swap his quinoa salad for a ham and cheese sandwich and a night with the other man’s wife, an afternoon with his son, and two Christmases with his lovely aunt.
Recess rules, eh? While canvassing local tech companies to sponsor me in my quest to become Canada’s fastest double-clicker, I noticed many instituting two fifteen minute breaks a day preceded by an optional dip into a bowl of cigarettes and the dispersing of fanny packs filled with wild game jerkys.
Nudity Rates Are Not Rising With Inflation
Shockingly, adult nudity rates have stayed steady at 3% since the UN began collecting data during the “Summer of Mud” in 1984. Continued innovation in pajama technology has stunted growth in naked sleeping, while fashion magazines remain steadfast in promoting the prudish act of wearing clothes. I’m all for nudity but it’s not like I’m helping the cause. Over the summer I was dared to wear only a scarf to the pool and was ready to go in the change room until a guy in trunks called me “Frosty”, while a young lifeguard tossed me a roll of masking tape with no further instructions.
They Want Money
I was planning on complaining about how hard it is to find the right pair of jeans but it made my lawyers nervous. Besides, everyone is sick of the argument because jeans have been the official pants of first and second world humans since Levi Strauss took the durable cotton he would wrap stillborn calves in and turned them into a gag wedding gift for his brother.
After a harrowing afternoon of attempting to trade my novelty “Captain Asshole” dog tags for a a case of jars I realized that everything adults do is in the pursuit of money instead of food and shelter. This is pretty weird if you consider we all evolved from monkeys, or in the case of Australians, coyotes–real deal creatures that wouldn’t know a coin from a scorpion. You ever wonder why you never see radish gardens by the side of the road anymore? You ever picked up on the fact that trees are no longer called “root roofs”? Well, I do.
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“Children are the future”?
Fine, take it. As an adult, I don’t even care. The present and the past are way better anyway.
The past has already happened; if the past totally rules then we can look upon it fondly while sharing buns by the fire. If the past was bad it doesn’t matter because it’s in the past so no harm done. The present so useful because you can do whatever you want within it, the “whatever” being extremely powerful because it’s also the future until you’ve done it but also the past because once you do it (whatever you want) it becomes history and history is past. Pretty cool.
a) If you were to mutate time, how would you do it?
b) Should criminals be banished to future or past?
c) What does time taste like?