Tag Archives: God

Cross Border Haircut

Now that Dongald is Grand Moff of her United States, we Canadians aren’t so eager to hop longitudes to enjoy American roads and avenues named after famous trees. We used to get excited at the prospect of prancing into the Eagle’s nest to buy legendary cereals, eat at restaurants with big food, and drop major coin on cheap milk thanks to your rock bottom food standards. But with the oven now preheated to “Hell”, we’ll probably be spending our Queens on local grease instead.

There are still a few things worth boinging the border for and that’s basically the thesis of the piece unless you’re more visual than visceral, in which case we invited you to enjoy the proceedings from a font standpoint.

Check these things out:

Cross Border Haircut

americanbarber

“I am a barber, I am strong, I will quit if I snip wrong” – U.S. Snipocratic Oath

This one’s pretty simple: There are more people in the United States than in Canada. More people = more hair; more hair=more haircuts; more haircuts=more experienced barbers; more experienced barbers=better barbers; better barbers=better haircuts; better haircuts=better TV; better TV=popcorn sales; popcorn sales=corn profits; corn profits=more money for corn masters; more money for corn masters=happier corn masters; happier corn masters=more sex; more sex=more babies; more babies=more hair; more hair=more barbers.

It’s also worth noting that Vidal Sassoon arrived in the United States in 1965(!).

Cross Border God Shows

img

“The only animal in this ark is our Wi-Fi password, which is BlackToad

There’s no denying that America’s gaga for God-god, and while tons of Yankee dudes and dudettes are loudest when yelling at Him inside their own heads during evening prayer, many more prefer to broadcast their praise from within immense crystal churches in stunning 4K and Dolby Stereo Surround Sound.

Our local Jesters of Jesus are more modest preferring “ministry miniseries” over “bethel blockbusters”. Our northern worshippers aim for a ceremonial tone that jives with stodginess of the Bible herself. I mean, you wouldn’t put a lacy bra on a beef’s udder now would you?

If you really want to see some praying, head over to the U.S. where billboards scream the Bible’s best, and real deal barkers pack immense complexes with fans and state-the-art wireless PA systems. Sometimes you gotta realize that money is best spent amplifying the voices of god’s faves as opposed to helping those god has deemed unfit to have money.

Cross Border Survival Games

“Hello boy, where do you wander?
Here is a riddle for you to ponder:
Down this path and up another;
Where man’s soul is torn asunder;
Whispers, spirits, evil things;
One plus two makes woodland kings”
– Unknown

Most of the world hates the same things as America, such as crud, wasps, goo, and the flu. But for some reason they’re the only ones who have a problem with socialized healthcare. That means that every trip into the Fab Fifty is a potentially dangerous mission where even a cute cut could translate to millions of dollars in wallet damage.

If you like to live dangerously, there’s no better way to put your blood at stake than by going to a place where guns are sprinkled into the landscape like salt on a baker’s apprentice’s fake pretzel. If you’re looking to roll the dice but can’t find a flock of glocks to get spicy with, ramp it up by getting a simple scrape then running around nude in the American woods. Try to survive the system and your numerous infections. If things get dicey you can return home to your Canadian doctor who has no idea if you’re rich or poor unless you wear one of those hats with the logo of your car on it.

Okay thanks for reading! Now it’s time for the OFFICIAL glennmacaulay.com blog after show:

 

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2015 Advent Calendar — December 18

Your December 18 Advent treat window looks like this:

gum

You take it on a date and it isn’t interested in a relationship so you’re able to look past it to find today’s audio advent track–a sequel to December 15’s Christmas Dinosaur:

Here are the lyrics so you can show your Sunday School teacher:

Christmas Dinosaur arose from the grave three days after dying
He spent 40 days just walking around eating bugs, roaring and crying
His friends and family exploded in the blast so he felt a lot of sadness
He looked up above and asked his dad, “what is all this madness”?

Dinosaur God said,
“Chill, it’s fine, y
ou can join me up on cloud nine.
Pretty soon I’ll invent humankind
and Dinosaurs will blow their minds”

Christmas dinosaur smiled at his dad, ascended into heaven
He frollicked in the clouds, had sex with girls and made a friend named Kevin

Alt Prayer Positions

Anyone born in Ontario before the year 198F is no doubt familiar with this image, which every family was required to have taped to their oven door until their youngest child turned 16.

prayer-position

Thanks to new legislation and a more relaxed attitude toward communication with the big guy, Ontarians are free to experiment with prayer position for the first time. Here’s a very brief look at some popular, nouveau positions that I encountered while traveling from Ottawa to Pelee Point to gather info for my book on wild thorns.

Jazz

Jazz from Cornwall shows off “The Funky Stomp” while asking God for the strength to tell his parents that he wants them to kiss him more often.

Beeny

Here’s Beeny from Grimsby demonstrating “The Judean Flute” form, which really worked out for him after asking God for less bubbles in his evening milk. Beeny begins and ends each prayer by producing a sound similar to a sarcastic catcall.

Paulina

Paulina invented this position so that she’d be able to pray AND describe her height while talking to her crush, Lonnie, at a party. She asked God for Lonnie’s attention and later that night he licked her stomach for an hour straight.

Ermy

Ermy told me he was inspired by the idea of a cyclops wearing an antenna when he came up with this position. He said he generally prays to generate goosebumps which he then photographs for his rather lame website, “A Year of Tingles”.

Donk

Donk almost got kicked out of his church after this smooth move caught on like wildfire among the youth group. He named the position “Mustang Sally” after his favourite hamburger at Lettuce Boys Diner. The burger has salsa instead of ketchup.

froggy

Froggy from Kenora shows off an early version of the “Diaper Dance”, which he used before Christmas to ask God for a toy that will make his sister stop throwing her underpants at him while he’s trying to take a bath.