Alt Prayer Positions

Anyone born in Ontario before the year 198F is no doubt familiar with this image, which every family was required to have taped to their oven door until their youngest child turned 16.


Thanks to new legislation and a more relaxed attitude toward communication with the big guy, Ontarians are free to experiment with prayer position for the first time. Here’s a very brief look at some popular, nouveau positions that I encountered while traveling from Ottawa to Pelee Point to gather info for my book on wild thorns.


Jazz from Cornwall shows off “The Funky Stomp” while asking God for the strength to tell his parents that he wants them to kiss him more often.


Here’s Beeny from Grimsby demonstrating “The Judean Flute” form, which really worked out for him after asking God for less bubbles in his evening milk. Beeny begins and ends each prayer by producing a sound similar to a sarcastic catcall.


Paulina invented this position so that she’d be able to pray AND describe her height while talking to her crush, Lonnie, at a party. She asked God for Lonnie’s attention and later that night he licked her stomach for an hour straight.


Ermy told me he was inspired by the idea of a cyclops wearing an antenna when he came up with this position. He said he generally prays to generate goosebumps which he then photographs for his rather lame website, “A Year of Tingles”.


Donk almost got kicked out of his church after this smooth move caught on like wildfire among the youth group. He named the position “Mustang Sally” after his favourite hamburger at Lettuce Boys Diner. The burger has salsa instead of ketchup.


Froggy from Kenora shows off an early version of the “Diaper Dance”, which he used before Christmas to ask God for a toy that will make his sister stop throwing her underpants at him while he’s trying to take a bath.

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