Attn. Frommer’s Travel Book – I went on vacation, please publish

I’m not sure how to get published on a travel blog because I’m not a travel writer so I’m putting this here in case any of you are in the biz. Please pay me if you post to your site. Thankx!!! ūüôā

I had the pleasure of visiting the shores of the Mexico Ocean on a recent all-inclusive vacation for a week of sun, sand, fries and Mexico. Everything on this vacation was smooth including our ***bikini lines***, so the stress I felt trying to make¬†custom hand-drawn plaid flags for my family on¬†Christmas melted away like guacamole under a hairdryer. Don’t try making your own plaids if you don’t own a ruler.

The flight was a straight up and downer, no clouds, no problems, no one catching me spitting in the seat-back pocket. After we landed in the warm area we were ushered to a beautiful bus full of eager travellers who were ready for the brown food and pink drinks of the tropics. It was on this bus that I took my first vacation photo:


At first I thought this was a poster for the Ontario leg of Metallica’s famous “Sanitarium” tour ’86, but it’s a spanish toilet

I was expecting the resort to be full of pools and clean concrete and my expectations were met. The resort’s staff was eager to serve us and all of them had black hair which is pretty cool for a rocker like me. I couldn’t believe how clean everything was until I realized it was clean because the staff is forced to clean it. Not a bad little job for neat freak if you ask me.


These girls got mad at me for taking their picture and got even madder when I brought out my binoculars lol

As good as I am at entertaining myself by coming up with little poems inspired by insects I encounter, I still wanted to let the resort’s in-house entertainment give my creative mind a rest. Their thoroughly entertaining nightly shows make¬†Hollywood movies look like Canadian dentist appointments. Speaking of our home and greatest land…


I missed her so much and then there she was, standing proud onstage alongside Jesus and The Alamo, right where she belongs


Not only was our Michael Jackson impersonator a very good spinner, but also a social media whiz

While my friends were off getting tattooed by a local whose main business is selling corn art to tourists who get lost in her avocado grove, I was busy planning a practical joke of my own while waiting in the buffet hall:


I’ll never tell you my secret! (pssst definitely NOT a real tattoo)

We didn’t want our time in Mexico to be limited to the resort as¬†we knew there was more, dirtier Mexico beyond the walls. We paid some extra gold and jumped on another bus to¬†hit some prime spots that demonstrate¬†why¬†Mexico is one of the world’s most famous countries.


I uttered 12 “bloody chupacabras” into a mirror inside this Mexican church and the next day a lizard nibbled my flip flip. Hashtag, “LessonLearned”???


I forced my sweetie to smile on the hallowed grounds of Chichen Itza (some sort of Mayan rec centre) and we didn’t even get yelled at.


It felt strange standing here knowing that the Mayans pooed all over this grass. Our tour guide told us not to eat any of the dirt but I nipped on some anyway.

I would TOTALLY recommend a vacation to anyone who needs to leave their house because they’re bored of it. Mexico has got enough heat and enough paved roads to make for an A+ vacation country.¬†The best part is that they told us the tap water is undrinkable so I was able to keep a small vile of it on-hand in case I got kidnapped and had to kill myself before they tortured me.

Safe Travels,


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