Last week I got a surprise phone call from my nephew, informing me that he and his teenage friends were in the neighbourhood and wanted to stop by. For a split second I thought that maybe they wanted to “chill down” with a loose dude who owns two guitars and at least ten officially licensed NHL hockey jerseys, but it turns out they just wanted to borrow some throw pillows to do flips over. I’m embarrassed to admit that I worried they’d view our apartment as severely un-radical so I spent the five minutes before they arrived making the place as dope as possible. After putting some bottles of hot sauce on top of the toilet and scrawling “Food?” on the fridge using magic marker, I thought I was ready to go. But as I was pulling on my bathing suit as a final touch, I noticed our carefully curated and well-maintained bookshelf staring back at me, causing my stomach to lurch. There’s no way those hippers would think I was cool with so many fresh tomes in the house, but thankfully, while in the throes of desperation, my brain came up with a simple solution.
First, I clipped my fingernails and collected them into my shirt pocket that already had a piece of licorice hanging out, which I thought the boys would really dig. I then headed to the kitchen and replaced the pepper in my pepper grinder with the fingernails and a dash of all-purpose flour. I brought the pepper grinder to the book shelf and started grinding the fresh homemade dust all over the bookshelf and the books themselves. I probably could’ve used flour alone but since dust is made of old skin, I wanted to give mine an authentic human touch, knowing full well a teenager’s propensity toward “realness”.
I cracked the last of the concoction right as Jacobthy and his buddies barged in. It was a good thing I figured out this simple household hack because the first thing Jacobthy said to me was “Oh peace on Uncle G, those are some slick old books. My parents have some shiny ones in the study and me and the boys are gonna piss on them.com”. They only stayed for three minutes but they gave me a shout out on the fake LinkedIn profile they run and it made me feel young again. Try making your own dust at home!