If it were up to me I wouldn’t publicly disclose my 2015 schedule, but if I don’t my parole officer can legally withdraw all smoothie privileges, so I don’t have much of a choice. Whatever man, laws are laws and I’ve come to terms with my punishment. I shouldn’t have forced that orphan to act as living doorbell no matter how many babes I was trying to impress.
Here you go Officer David, I’ll see you tomorrow for our check-in and don’t bother wearing sunglasses this time, Janice told me about your dread lock eyelashes and I don’t care.
January
4th – Take “dong mitten” invention to CES ✓
18th – Make sure radar still works. If it does, start tracking the McDonalds employee who complemented my watch by saying “Nice time, dude”. ✓
29th – Sing the national anthem in the shower WITHOUT musical accompaniment for once
February
2nd – Start planning Pig Out // Wig Out 2015
4th – Write blog about how Back To The Future 2 took place in 2015 and how that’s pretty nuts when you think about it
22nd – Go to mattress store and see if they sell big nets
March
12th – Tie dye toilet paper in advance of the equinox
13th – Throw a pizza party that celebrates the oven for once
29th – Plan my birthday party but don’t rent anything until Cousin Theo gets back to you about the availability of his underwear show
April
1st – Assure mom that I can handle my own debit card
6th – Knock on every yellow door I see. If someone answers say “Is Mr. Piss in?”
18th – Go to the optometrist and arrange for a condom to fall out of my pocket during eye exam then say joke “gonna need to be able to see so I can use one of these”
May
3rd – Allow a weirdo taste my blood
7th – Learn braille so I can read my wife’s goosebumps, which that psychic said held secrets
11th – Write a play, a novel, a movie, a video or SOMETHING called Freckles Are Planets
June
1st – Run the sound of someone walking in flip flops through an oscilloscope to prove theory that resulting sound wave will resemble sun with shades on
8th – Write think piece about how we need couch potatoes more now than ever
20th – Learn a new word but don’t use it until you’re confident for heaven’s sake!
July
5th – follow a bee around for a few hours but don’t give it a name in case I fall in love with it
9th – Throw another book in the lake but don’t bother trying to skip it this time to avoid fine
10th – Admit to my landlord that I’m not Kevin Nealon’s son
31st – Ask bank teller if it’s a good deal to trade Bill my two gold bricks for his surfboard that Antonio Banderas spat on
August
2nd – Autograph every crab at the beach
6th – Go to The Keg restaurant and dress like beer so I can say “the beer is in the keg” then have wife snap photo of hostess’ reaction then go bananas with it, social-media wise.
11th – Go to someone’s funeral and nose around a bit
September
9th – Make sure Pig Out // Wig Out 2014 is much better than Pig Out // Wig Out 2014 (need more ACTIVITIES)
22nd – Find the guy who uploaded the video of me licking a Playboy magazine to Tumblr and thank him
30th – Finally learn how to play Mortal Kombat and passively let my book club know
October
2nd – Use the year’s hair clippings to create convincing Burton Cummings Halloween costume
4th – Pay for a stranger’s lunch then demand something in return
13th – Investigate the runes that appeared on my bathroom mirror last Easter and don’t be disappointed if they don’t specifically reference me.
27th – Visit childhood elementary school and see if semen stain is still on the clock
November
1st – design mouse trap that looks like wallet, take photo of dead mouse/rat in trap, send to TIME Magazine
10th – Watch Forrest Gump backwards and start podcast about the experience called The Gump Forest.
19th – Ask busker with the electric guitar that has snot all over it to create theme song for Gump Forest podcast
December
6th – Keep chipping away at new noodle design and stop being so close minded!
11th – Learn Italian and finally find out what the hell grandpa is talking about
21st – Sleep in pile of resumes so that potential employers catch my scent early on
25th – Go out and fuck shit up, no cops around today
GLENN W. MACAULAY 