Tag Archives: months

Top Four Months Of 2017

2017 clocked in at a full 12 months for the two thousand and seventeenth time since Jesus H. Christ died before he even got to get married. Unfortunately, the year was far from ideal but now that it’s 2018 we can once again strive to achieve the rare feat of a perfect year.

This was first achieved in 28 when the discovery of jars coupled with the advent of licking as foreplay, and the lowest snake count in recorded history led to utter perfection. The magic didn’t happen again until 1989 thanks in large part to a young Tom Hanks soothing the black hearts of ’88 by starring in both Turner & Hooch and The ‘Burbs.

Just because 2017 wasn’t perfect doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate the achievements of the year’s top performing months. Here are four that stood out:

It was crisp, clean and lean at a very satisfying 30 days. One more day would make it look cocky, and a few less was make it seem as stupid as February. I celebrated my birth in April as I usually do but I’m not biased–April literally brought the heat by once again ushering in the freshness of a new season. The folks at SETI didn’t have anything to report but I’d wager that even if an alien invasion took place, it’d be hard to erase humanity’s wet April smiles (that led to dry May mouths).

What a beautiful grid! There’s nothing better than staring up at the stars on a hot July night with not one thought dedicated to the location of one’s earmuffs. Locally, the month got a boost thanks to Canada’s 15oth birthday, where the country’s most affluent citizens were able to spend hard earned gems on branded t-shirts and hats that will soon fill our nation’s thrift stores where serfs can purchase them for way below actual retail price.

An alien attack didn’t even cross my mind because any pre-scouting by a foreign species would show millions more bugs on Earth than usual, meaning they wouldn’t dare invade with so many extra soldiers in the zone armed with stingers and a taste for blood.

June is a pretty name for a woman, man, or gun, and it’s in the top four once again. Kids love June because it signals the end of another school year while adults love stripping last year’s grease off the grill, which can then be used as bait in yard traps. A good set of traps ensures safety in the event of an invasion, while a clean grill will give you and your family a tasty last meal before we’re all devoured or refined into a viscous fuel for warp engines.

No surprise here. August is consistently in the top four because it’s usually the warmest month of the year. This leads to stronger tubers come fall harvest which will feed us should we need to dig underground cities when a race of creatures from another planet take over our lithosphere but are nice enough to leave us the asthenosphere.

This year’s schedule (2015)

If it were up to me I wouldn’t publicly disclose my 2015 schedule, but if I don’t my parole officer can legally withdraw all smoothie privileges, so I don’t have much of a choice. Whatever man, laws are laws and I’ve come to terms with my punishment. I shouldn’t have forced that orphan to act as living doorbell no matter how many babes I was trying to impress.

Here you go Officer David, I’ll see you tomorrow for our check-in and don’t bother wearing sunglasses this time, Janice told me about your dread lock eyelashes and I don’t care.



4th –  Take “dong mitten” invention to CES  ✓
18th –  Make sure radar still works. If it does, start tracking the McDonalds employee who complemented my watch by saying “Nice time, dude”.  ✓
29th –  Sing the national anthem in the shower WITHOUT musical accompaniment for once



2nd – Start planning Pig Out // Wig Out 2015
4th – Write blog about how Back To The Future 2 took place in 2015 and how that’s pretty nuts when you think about it
22nd – Go to mattress store and see if they sell big nets


12th – Tie dye toilet paper in advance of the equinox
13th – Throw a pizza party that celebrates the oven for once
29th – Plan my birthday party but don’t rent anything until Cousin Theo gets back to you about the availability of his underwear show


1st – Assure mom that I can handle my own debit card
6th – Knock on every yellow door I see. If someone answers say “Is Mr. Piss in?”
18th – Go to the optometrist and arrange for a condom to fall out of my pocket during eye exam then say joke “gonna need to be able to see so I can use one of these”



3rd – Allow a weirdo taste my blood
7th – Learn braille so I can read my wife’s goosebumps, which that psychic said held secrets
11th – Write a play,  a novel, a movie, a video or SOMETHING called Freckles Are Planets


1st – Run the sound of someone walking in flip flops through an oscilloscope to prove theory that resulting sound wave will resemble sun with shades on
8th – Write think piece about how we need couch potatoes more now than ever
20th – Learn a new word but don’t use it until you’re confident for heaven’s sake!



5th – follow a bee around for a few hours but don’t give it a name in case I fall in love with it
9th – Throw another book in the lake but don’t bother trying to skip it this time to avoid fine
10th – Admit to my landlord that I’m not Kevin Nealon’s son
31st – Ask bank teller if it’s a good deal to trade Bill my two gold bricks for his surfboard that Antonio Banderas spat on


2nd – Autograph every crab at the beach
6th – Go to The Keg restaurant and dress like beer so I can say “the beer is in the keg” then have wife snap photo of hostess’ reaction then go bananas with it, social-media wise.
11th – Go to someone’s funeral and nose around a bit



9th – Make sure Pig Out // Wig Out 2014 is much better than Pig Out // Wig Out 2014 (need more ACTIVITIES)
22nd – Find the guy who uploaded the video of me licking a Playboy magazine to Tumblr and thank him
30th – Finally learn how to play Mortal Kombat and passively let my book club know


2nd – Use the year’s hair clippings to create convincing Burton Cummings Halloween costume
4th – Pay for a stranger’s lunch then demand something in return
13th – Investigate the runes that appeared on my bathroom mirror last Easter and don’t be disappointed if they don’t specifically reference me.
27th – Visit childhood elementary school and see if semen stain is still on the clock


1st – design mouse trap that looks like wallet, take photo of dead mouse/rat in trap, send to TIME Magazine
10th – Watch Forrest Gump backwards and start podcast about the experience called The Gump Forest.
19th – Ask busker with the electric guitar that has snot all over it to create theme song for Gump Forest podcast



6th – Keep chipping away at  new noodle design and stop being so close minded!
11th – Learn Italian and finally find out what the hell grandpa is talking about
21st – Sleep in pile of resumes so that potential employers catch my scent early on
25th – Go out and fuck shit up, no cops around today