2017 clocked in at a full 12 months for the two thousand and seventeenth time since Jesus H. Christ died before he even got to get married. Unfortunately, the year was far from ideal but now that it’s 2018 we can once again strive to achieve the rare feat of a perfect year.
This was first achieved in 28 when the discovery of jars coupled with the advent of licking as foreplay, and the lowest snake count in recorded history led to utter perfection. The magic didn’t happen again until 1989 thanks in large part to a young Tom Hanks soothing the black hearts of ’88 by starring in both Turner & Hooch and The ‘Burbs.
Just because 2017 wasn’t perfect doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate the achievements of the year’s top performing months. Here are four that stood out:
It was crisp, clean and lean at a very satisfying 30 days. One more day would make it look cocky, and a few less was make it seem as stupid as February. I celebrated my birth in April as I usually do but I’m not biased–April literally brought the heat by once again ushering in the freshness of a new season. The folks at SETI didn’t have anything to report but I’d wager that even if an alien invasion took place, it’d be hard to erase humanity’s wet April smiles (that led to dry May mouths).
What a beautiful grid! There’s nothing better than staring up at the stars on a hot July night with not one thought dedicated to the location of one’s earmuffs. Locally, the month got a boost thanks to Canada’s 15oth birthday, where the country’s most affluent citizens were able to spend hard earned gems on branded t-shirts and hats that will soon fill our nation’s thrift stores where serfs can purchase them for way below actual retail price.
An alien attack didn’t even cross my mind because any pre-scouting by a foreign species would show millions more bugs on Earth than usual, meaning they wouldn’t dare invade with so many extra soldiers in the zone armed with stingers and a taste for blood.
June is a pretty name for a woman, man, or gun, and it’s in the top four once again. Kids love June because it signals the end of another school year while adults love stripping last year’s grease off the grill, which can then be used as bait in yard traps. A good set of traps ensures safety in the event of an invasion, while a clean grill will give you and your family a tasty last meal before we’re all devoured or refined into a viscous fuel for warp engines.
No surprise here. August is consistently in the top four because it’s usually the warmest month of the year. This leads to stronger tubers come fall harvest which will feed us should we need to dig underground cities when a race of creatures from another planet take over our lithosphere but are nice enough to leave us the asthenosphere.
GLENN W. MACAULAY 